Ya.. I was really hoping this was my chance at happiness and self acceptance to finally feel whole and to get rid of the gender dysphoria, but alas it's not happened.  I don't want to go into a long drawn out story so to just short hand this.  After 9 months now in HRT I still don't identify as female.  I do feel, sound, behave etc as female but can't see that in my head.  The same goes for when I was a guy and couldn't identify as male either.  However I just feel like what I've been longing for is the ability to show and express femininity without having to trade my body.  I do love what I see in the mirror, but my mind is always constantly thinking like I use to, always remembering my past memories all as a guy.  And when I think back, I wasn't really all that unhappy.  I was just sad and mad and depressed that I had not been born female and dwelled over it for 25 years and then after going for it and living that way full time for about 7 months of the 9.  I just don't feel like I am suppose to live life as a women.  Ya it's been fun and so many new experiences.  But I don't want to have to learn all this new stuff and have to constantly deal with arrogant, pervert, horn dog guys.  Always talking to me like I'm some piece off ass.  It just irritates me and outrages me and I don't want that life.  So, I think I'm choosing to go back to living as "male" even if I can't identify as one.

I am so thankful for all the support from my sisters on here and wanted you all to know that I will always remember the words of encouragement and support from everyone.  I wish you all the best and happiness, be safe and live happily my fellow ladies.

good  luck

I wish you well, Crissy Marie!

QuoteBut I don't want to have to learn all this new stuff and have to constantly deal with arrogant, pervert, horn dog guys.  Always talking to me like I'm some piece off ass.  It just irritates me and outrages me and I don't want that life.

Ayupp...if you look act and smell like a female, those "arrogant, pervert, horn dog guys" come with the territory.  Not all men are like that, but it sure seems like the majority just can't help themselves.

QuoteSo, I think I'm choosing to go back to living as "male" even if I can't identify as one.

Consider yourself extremely fortunate and blessed to have that choice.  A word of advice....Beware the cougars  

Fair winds and following seas, Crissy.

*hugs*

I think this is what strength looks like.  Have a good life.  Dani

Hi CrissieMarie

I  admire your courage for having explored who you are.  Good luck with whatever comes next.

Julia

Quote from: CrissyMarie on December 05, 2014, 11:12:47 PM
After 9 months now in HRT I still don't identify as female.  I do feel, sound, behave etc as female but can't see that in my head.  The same goes for when I was a guy and couldn't identify as male either.  However I just feel like what I've been longing for is the ability to show and express femininity without having to trade my body.  I do love what I see in the mirror, but my mind is always constantly thinking like I use to, always remembering my past memories all as a guy.

For what it's worth, erasing the past is something that cannot be done. I know I had a hard time with it too, but at the 3rd / 4th year, I never really thought about my past that often, but occasionally I get a bit depressed. Around that time I really started to feel female. It takes so much time... To quote a transguy who once told me: "Everyone has a female and male side, it doesn't mean you'll have to obliterate either one". I learned to integrate the "male" side.

I wish you good luck!

A bold decision, and one I'm sure you haven't made lightly, so I won't offer anything in an attempt to change your mind.

What I will urge is that you don't ever think that you've lost anyone's support here, or that you're unable to consider yourself a part of this community because you're no longer transitioning.  We're still here for you, no matter what.  I do hope you don't leave, but if you do, can you at least pop by once in a while to say hello and let us know how things are going?

The absolute best wishes to you!

Good luck and best wishes.

That was a difficult decision.

Best wishes to you. I guess as long as you are happy that is what counts, right?

I hope you find what you are looking for in life, no one can blame you following your heart and deciding it wasn't what you wanted. Attempting to transition takes a lot of courage, deciding it isn't for you after you have might take even more. Have a happy life, no matter what you choose. 

you need to do the best for yourself ,best wishes