Hi all, its been awhile since I posted, but trans matters went on the back burner for the last year due to having to deal with the emotions and the responsibility of helping my family through the loss of my father. The dysphoria was always there, but lately it seems to have gyrated in an unexpected manner.

Over the past year I've found I enjoy some aspects of being a guy (I'm MAAB). I like wearing suits most of the time, and when I go fly, I relish wearing a flight jacket and assuming the role of aircraft commander/captain. I am also thinking of changing careers and flying professionally with in the next couple of years. In fact the background noise of dysphoria dissapears when I am at the controls of an aircraft. I don't know if a flying career is easily compatible with a medical transition. Being a guy at work doesn't always bother me, but I'll long to go home and where I can outer and underdress the way I want.

However, I have spent most of my alone time in female mode over the last year. Most nights I sleep in women's sleep wear and feel sad when I wake up and I realize the strength of my physical dysphoria. I don't hate my gentitals, most of my discomfort surrounds too much hair on my face and body, too little on my head, no female type breasts (even small ones) and my skin texture. I consider my self lucky in that I have nearly feminine waste to hip ratio and can fill a 34A Bra. However when I put on a wig, look down at my body when I wear a bra, seeing my small bustline, feeling how the tops, pants, and dresses accentuate my shape, I get a sense of relief. I am  confused and not sure how fare to go. Moreover when I dream of changing physically into a woman, I get that same feeling of content.

I am so confused on what to do. I am working with a therapist, would enjoy most of the emotional and physical changes of HRT, but I don't want to screw up a life I otherwise like.

What are something I can do in order to figure out how to chart a course on dealing with my physical dysphoria while balancing my career aspirations and holding on to a life I enjoy for the most part? Please help with suggestions, what questions should I ask myself, helpful articles, or activities.

Thank you,

Amy

I think the question that settled me down was due I want to grow old as a woman or as a man?

I decided that my female self was totally dominant and needed to be free for my sanity.

It is worthwhile talking to your therapist as to whether you are genderfluid or non-binary and would be better with partial or low dose HRT to alleviate GD.

There is no reason at all for a binary identification that is identify as male or identify as female. Many people drift a bit or a lot between the two.

Take it slow and I like to say to just let your inner peace be your compass. If you feel bad, stop doing that, change course.

Thank you all,

Great point Cindy, I am pondering that very question on how I want to get old. Right now it changes by the day as the dysphoria fluctuates. Although I have a tendency to over analyze things. I'd need a sympathetic AME for low dose HRT, the FAA's rules aren't as byzentine as they used to be, I just worry about finding employment.

Hanazono, I do have my Pilot Certs up to CPL, and I am working on my instructor certs and charting a path to ATP mins. Pushing on helps me keep a level attitude in life.