I don't have a question really, I'm just freaking out so much over changing things at school that I'm making myself sick. Maybe I'm seeking reassurance, if anything. Maybe nothing. It's been a bad week.

It isn't that the procedure will be complicated. Now that the legal stuff is done, this should be easy. I'm even talking with the director of the queer student union for help. She offered to meet and talk with me in person, and I'm taking her up on that because I don't know what else to do. I'm still not out at school at all. I haven't told any of my regular teachers, my classmates, or anyone I work with. But I've run out of time, I can't put this off any longer.

I shouldn't be scared. This is Seattle, not the ->-bleeped-<-ty town I grew up in. No one is going to take me out back and beat me up. No one is going to threaten to skin and roast my pet rabbit and force me to eat it for dinner. No one is going to beat up my friends because my "queer" rubs off on them. No one is going to throw knives and rocks and unripe fruit at me. No one is going to threaten to kill me. (Yea, these all are real-life examples... And yes, even the fruit left bruises for weeks.) I moved here when I had the chance because I knew it would be safer.

Part of me doesn't care since by next year I'll be dead anyways because hormones and surgeries weren't enough so really it doesn't actually matter.  But I still can't do this, I can't face people at school and tell them. I know I can't. And it will screw up everything. I'm such a coward. 

You'll do it an it will be ok. It's just the fear.

Sorry to hear they said that about your bunny though.

Hi, Pixie!  I'd see this as general anxiety about the future.  Transitioning is a big move and there's always lots of uncertainties and unpredictable factors connected with it.  But I'd just take things one step at a time, and bit by bit you'll get them sorted out.  And hopefully the further down the road you go, the less anxiety you'll feel.  You're certainly not a coward.  People who transition are pretty brave by definition.

But if you seriously think that transitioning is going to be enough for you a year from now, please find somebody to talk to.  That sort of feeling is fairly common, I think.  I've felt it sometimes, too.  If it's a serious factor in your life, please look for help with it.

Best of luck!
Foxglove

Hi Foxglove, I'm seeing a gender therapist (more or less...) and I promise I am completely honest with her about how much and how often I wish I was dead. There isn't anything she can do, we've pretty much done everything reasonable to try to lessen my dysphoria. I knew from the start that there was a possibility that transitioning wouldn't be enough. I'm sure I don't need to explain why I had to try anyways... Hope, or something like that.

I keep getting told "it gets better, just hold on" but by now it should have and it hasn't. Eventually something has to give. I don't expect to find a cure for my dysphoria anymore, so probably it will be me.

Which just makes how much I'm freaking out over outing myself at my school just that much more ridiculous.

I transitioned in college, and it couldn't have been easier.  Started hormones at the beginning of a semester and just sort of let everyone figure out what the wanted to call me on their own.  I did go up to a couple of my professors (new ones I'd never had) to tell them the name on the roll sheet was wrong and give them a new one.  Thats the only move I made.  They just said "okay"  and went about their business. 

The one department I was in was super close-knit, I suppose.  Everyone knew each other and we all worked together regularly (theatre).  People were curious and asked a lot of questions, but no one was offensive.  The professors were used to dealing with queers and weirdos (once again... theatre).  It was a non-issue. 

The other department (biology) I had just a friend or two in and they just sorta went with the flow.  The professors certainly didn't care or make any kind of thing of it.  By the time a semester had gone by I'm pretty sure the memory that I ever was called a different name or gender had faded for anyone in that department. 

I told everyone in my program a year ago, it was no big deal (and I'm in Texas so I imagine Seattle shouldn't be an issue) I haven't changed my official gender markers yet though, that's my current project. Since it's Texas, I'm best off hiring a lawyer which costs enough that I have to save for it...

You CAN do this!

Quote from: Damara on December 19, 2014, 12:55:14 AM
You CAN do this!

Only with help! I enlisted the aid of the queer student union director, who had to physically escort me to the registrars office so I wouldn't be a coward and back out of doing it. I also found out that the class lists teachers get includes name, student ID, and ... Gender marker. Seriously. So much for hiding it.

Now the question is will I actually go to class once the new quarter starts, knowing that there is no possibility of hiding it anymore...

The fear isn't rational, Seattle isn't a dangerous place. But knowing that doesn't change its intensity.