Well it sounds to me like you are answering your own question pretty resoundingly...

Quote from: rachel89 on December 07, 2014, 04:27:39 PM
...Men, except for drag queens and cross-dressers (which could arguably be on the transgender spectrum somewhere) wouldn't want to wear women's clothes, especially in public, I do.

Actually CDs and DQs are considered to be part of the spectrum. They are also welcome members on this site, just FYI

I can come to terms with being transgender, but how did that aspect of me go from being "background noise" I could barely understand to what is probably gender dysphoria (I really only feel some relief when i can put on make-up when wear the right clothing, public cross-dressing, trying (and failing) to talk like a woman, closely watching other women to copy their mannerisms, liking female  pronouns, feeling confused about my sexuality, trying not feel depressed when i look into the mirror (btw, I've hated, hated, hated facial hair since the first hair grew on my face, and while boys thought is was cool they could finally shave and look like men, I just wanted the disgusting thing to go away), and dreaming about replacing the "wrong parts" with the "right parts". The first time I said I would rather be a woman was in the summer in 2013, when I had too much to drink, and let my feelings pour out, with some people I thought would be accepting. They could dismiss it as me being intoxicated and I could get my feelings out and then forget about it and would go on with my life. The feelings didn't really go away, I was just depressed, and became busy with other things so I didn't address it. During summer 2014 I came to realize just how uneasy I feel acting masculine in a hyper-masculine environment, I had also started following LGBT news, particularly the "T" more closely than usual for some reason. In September I got a new job, where I mostly work with women. I felt much more comfortable than I had in a long time, but for reasons I do not really understand, made a last ditch effort at acting hyper masculine. That episode made feel ridiculous, like I was doing a clownish impression of a man. By October i started cross-dressing and frequenting Susan's. Near the end of October I began to realize I was probably transgender and came out privately to a person who works with PFLAG.

Well, basic psychodynamics tell us that when we experience something traumatic or stigmatized, such as gender dysphoria, we repress it-that is, we burry the feelings deep in our subconscious, and they tend to emerge later in life.  It's only natural that you'd experience these feelings more intensely than when you first discovered you felt this way; as you begin to uncover more and more of these feelings, it's sometimes like a floodgate has been opened-I know it was for me.  But, as you become more in touch with your dysphoria, it'll feel more manageable as time goes on, especially if you seek treatment (i.e hormones, transitioning, etc).

One of the ways I knew Im a girl and still do is that whenever someone refers to me as a man, sir or groups me in with men, I get really uncomfortable. Ill start thinking Im a girl, not a boy. It's tough to hear but for me it was a good indication that Im trans and helped me figure out some of my confusion.

I don't like it when i called him/he/sir and get kind of annoyed. When my parents treat me like a guy, I start to get really irritable with them, and I kind of feel sorry for them, because they have no idea why I am getting so easily irritated by them.

Quote from: rachel89 on December 07, 2014, 11:14:56 PM
I don't like it when i called him/he/sir and get kind of annoyed. When my parents treat me like a guy, I start to get really irritable with them, and I kind of feel sorry for them, because they have no idea why I am getting so easily irritated by them.

Rachel,

I'm really glad that you found this place because it seems pretty obvious that you have pretty high transgender leanings. Can I ask you, are you trying to talk yourself out of this?

The reason I ask is that although your feelings and desires are pointing you in this direction, you seem to be trying to negate it with other explanations. I grew up hating sports, but loving the ninja turtles, dinosaurs,and computer games. There is no strictly male or female way to grow up, and that's the truth.

It is not weird for you to not regret your life or your interests, but to still detest your physical form. Your gender is the only part of your identity that is currently in question; how you express your gender is a separate subject. Just as there are men that love sewing and fashion, there are women that love contact sports and wrenching on cars.Don't overthink, or let gender stereotypes and clichés get you all confused.

I think that you have answered the pertinent questions. Do you feel wrong living as a man? You said yes. Would it feel right living as a woman? You also answered in the affirmative. Don't overthink it at this point, just relax, do some research, and listen to yourself. You'll figure it out.

Welcome to the forum, Rachel. It's good to have another little sister.

-Tegan

Be warned, I am having a really bad day. I'm worried about alot of things like coming out, acceptance, discrimination, and the astronomical cost HRT and surgery. Dealing with family is the scariest part, where "normal" seems highly valued, especially with my mother. I think it would go past what they are willing to tolerate, especially while I am having a pretty rocky relationship with my parents and arguments start between me and my parents and between my parents the most petty reasons (my sister is really lucky to have her own life right now and I think I can understand why she gets a little snippy after a couple of days here) and when I'm involved arguments seem to go from zero to sixty in about 3 seconds. I would describe myself as depressed, moody, and having an explosive temper when it comes to nagging. My mother is incredibly petty, too conservative, and emotionally fragile. My father is intrusive, a little overbearing, and seems to have trouble with empathy, and has a stupid sense of humor that only make serious situations a little more awkward. When it comes to extended family, especially on my mother's side, I am expected to be "normal" and put on a smile when I visit them because "they won't understand", even if I am dying on the inside. My father's side is more open, but not super open and things aren't that great there either with my grandfather passing away last winter and my grandmother who is likely in the early stages of dementia/senility and watches Fox "News" almost constantly (If I ever saw Roger Ailes in person, I would spit in his face for leading my family members to believe in foolish and absurd things and for robbing my grandmother of happiness with a constant stream fear and panic). I would love for my family to accept me as Rachel, but I am not sure they would, so I am afraid I will have to disappear like witness protection people do and leave behind many people here who do love me and would accept me as Rachel. It would be so much easier if I were just a gay male. I would love to transition and maybe get a little jealous when I see other girl's extremely successful transitions. The only thing other than family that I am super worried about is the possibility I am having a delusion that I am transgender instead of actually being transgender. In any case something has to change, I was so depressed today that I skipped work after getting ready to go. The depression/dysphoria feels very real and is destroying me on the inside. I don't think I deserve to feel this way even for my sins of being a huge procrastinator, spending too much of my parents money in the past, being argumentative of and sometimes outright mean, drinking too much, not picking up after myself, being inflexible, etc. Maybe I should consider paying something back to my parents and cut back on the alcohol, but I don't deserve to live in a "black hole" of depression and dysphoria for it.  Maybe if it's just a delusion, I won't have to turn my life upside down to be happy. I don't really care if hair removal, FFS, and SRS are a painful, I'm worried about emotional pain being inflicted on me by people in my life who don't understand or don't want to understand.

Rachel-

I had a very typical boy upbringing with no tendencies to play with dolls or any of that stuff. I played in little league, had numerous motorcycles, and even had a full blown drag race car. I dated girls, got married and had kids, and started my own business.

Through all of this I knew that I was different and that I didn't fit in. Others saw it in me too all along, but I sure didn't. A very perceptive female friend once told me that she thought I was "different" and she had even discussed it with her husband. I  unfortunately never asked what the difference was that she perceived.

In fact, I was pretty convinced I was a red blooded macho male in every possible way...... until i hit my early 40s. When that happened I began to figure myself out, and over a period of a few years I realized that I am a girl - a transsexual.

Whoops.

Now, looking back - i clearly see the signs.

So, things we did or liked in our early childhoods may or may not point toward us being trans.

Are you seeing a gender therapist? I've taken that same alcohol ride before that you mentioned just before I broke down and made an appointment with a gender therapist.

Many of us have faced similar choices and we made it through, although we've all lost people and things along the way.

Only you can say if you think you are transgender or not - none of us can make that determination.

I think I am transgender, but it is still pretty scary because it is pretty rare, there are days where dysphoria and depression are all consuming and debilitating while days where I don't feel anything sometimes make me doubt, and all the consequences of coming out. I am at a low point right now, I don't feel like I have room to be myself, slivovitz won't wash away my pain, the people in my life who do know are are very supportive of LGBT  causes but don't have the experience to deal with the more complex issues because I am the first trans person they know, and I don't know where to find a good therapist .

Quote from: rachel89 on December 10, 2014, 11:45:58 PM
I think I am transgender, but it is still pretty scary because it is pretty rare, there are days where dysphoria and depression are all consuming and debilitating while days where I don't feel anything sometimes make me doubt, and all the consequences of coming out. I am at a low point right now, I don't feel like I have room to be myself, slivovitz won't wash away my pain, the people in my life who do know are are very supportive of LGBT  causes but don't have the experience to deal with the more complex issues because I am the first trans person they know, and I don't know where to find a good therapist .

Rachel,

I think finding a therapist would be a great first step. No matter how many times you run the facts back to yourself, it's always nice to receive the validation of a trained professional.

You talk about being nervous that your dysphoria, though overwhelming at times, also fades in the background some of the time. Well, let me ask you this: you seem pretty keen on being a woman, judging by your own admissions; are there times when you are super keen on being a guy? You talk about feeling feminine, and how your lack of bodily femininity bothers you at times. Well, when you are not lamenting your lack of a female anatomy, how do you feel about your male anatomy? Do you celebrate it at those times? Does it feel right, like you're in the correct body?

You're scared. That's very understandable. This can be such a scary situation, and standing at the edge of it can be terrifying. Is the cost worth the results, you might be asking yourself. Let's put it this way, if your gender identity is something that you think about most days, then it is worth finding out why.

There are lots of resources for finding a therapist in your area. I would suggest doing that. And in the meantime, it wouldn't hurt to bone up on some literature. My suggestion would be True Selves: Understanding Transexualism by Mildred Brown, which is a great book to pass on to supportive allies once you've finished with it.

Hey, p.m. me if you need to chat, okay?

-Teg

It looks like I can no longer delay going into a therapist's office. Because of my little episode of dysphoria, I missed work and was no call/no show My supervisor was not very happy today about no the call/now show, but I told her a half truth (I did have a horrible episode of depression or anxiety yesterday, but left out the whole thing about gender issues). I  think she understands I am going through something really bad, but she now want me to bring in a note from a doctor/shrink to confirm I am going through something and not just skipping for fun. I knew I was going to have see a therapist or something, I didn't expect it to end up happening like this. Today was not fun, but I am now in a situation where I am obligated to get myself out of the "black hole" of dysphoria/depression.

Quote from: rachel89 on December 11, 2014, 11:08:58 PM
It looks like I can no longer delay going into a therapist's office. Because of my little episode of dysphoria, I missed work and was no call/no show My supervisor was not very happy today about no the call/now show, but I told her a half truth (I did have a horrible episode of depression or anxiety yesterday, but left out the whole thing about gender issues). I  think she understands I am going through something really bad, but she now want me to bring in a note from a doctor/shrink to confirm I am going through something and not just skipping for fun. I knew I was going to have see a therapist or something, I didn't expect it to end up happening like this. Today was not fun, but I am now in a situation where I am obligated to get myself out of the "black hole" of dysphoria/depression.

Don't look at it as an unpleasant obligation; this is what you want anyway, right? To be happy? To find answers, so that you can move forward? That's the path you're now on, sister, so go ahead and surrender to it.

I sent you a private message. I hope when we chat that we can find a way to help you see a positive outlook.

You're going to be fine, Rachel. We're here. And it does get better.

Hang in there,
Teg

Apparently cisgender people don't question their gender all the time.  They almost never do. 

I stopped asking myself "how do I know if I am really trans" about 2 hours after my first dose of estrogen.   It made me feel SO MUCH BETTER and I knew then and there that I could never stop taking it.   Usually cis males become irritable, cranky and depressed when they get exposed to estrogen.   Transwomen, not so much...  Yup, I'm trans alright!  Pass the estrogen, please.

Quote from: Jill F on December 12, 2014, 05:44:48 PM
Apparently cisgender people don't question their gender all the time.  They almost never do. 

I stopped asking myself "how do I know if I am really trans" about 2 hours after my first dose of estrogen.   It made me feel SO MUCH BETTER and I knew then and there that I could never stop taking it.   Usually cis males become irritable, cranky and depressed when they get exposed to estrogen.   Transwomen, not so much...  Yup, I'm trans alright!  Pass the estrogen, please.

Jill, that is super interesting; I've never heard that. Where did that information come from?

Unlike you, I cannot claim that I felt different mere hours after my first shot, but I definitely feel better now, six weeks in.The last time I sat down with my gender therapist, I was struggling to find things to talk about. That says a lot.

But Jill is right, Rachel. The average guy finds the idea of losing his penis horrifying, not satisfying.

There is a movie by Pedro Almodovar called The Skin I Live In. It's a Spanish language film, and stars Antonio Banderas as the antagonist. Basically, he is an insane surgeon who abducts a young man and it transforms him into a beautiful woman. In its reviews, it is described as "body horror", which is the same genre that they stick Cronenberg's films like The Fly (with those truly nauseating transformation sequences). The thing is, I did not find it horrific, not in the least. Every male reviewer were described it as hard to watch, but I could not take my eyes away, and could not stop thinking "if only." I think that speaks volumes.

Would you have reacted pretty much the same way to a story like that? Your answer is not without significance.

-Teg

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on December 12, 2014, 06:03:46 PM
Jill, that is super interesting; I've never heard that. Where did that information come from?

My former therapist (I no longer see one), has a PhD and dissected trans* brains as part of her study.   It seems that transwomen's brains fail to masculinize fully, or even at all in utero, so our brains basically end up wired female.  There are degrees of this phenomenon occurring, so there is evidence that gender really is a spectrum, not a binary.   A female brain has a lot more estrogen receptors in it than a male brain does, and when the receptors don't get the right hormones, they don't release the right endorphines and neurotransmitters, and voila- a major facet of gender dysphoria!   When my brain finally got its candy, it was like this thing that had been clamping down on my brain since I was about 12 suddenly began to release itself, I had a clear head, and I kept finding myself smiling and happy, where my life was pretty much sturm-und-drang until then.  When I finally got the orchiectomy, the sun really came out.  The entire weight had been lifted, I was finally T-free, and I had never been happier. 

It seems my brain really wasn't wired to run on T.  Conversely, guys seen to thrive on the stuff.   Ask any transguy how much better they feel after their shot or older cisguys after treatment for low T.

I finally got an appointment with a psychologist. He is LGBT-friendly and also happens to be gay himself, so even if he is not the worlds foremost expert on transsexualism, he will probably know more than most, and will at least be someone to talk to even if he directs me to a gender therapist.

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on December 12, 2014, 06:03:46 PM
Jill,

There is a movie by Pedro Almodovar called The Skin I Live In. It's a Spanish language film, and stars Antonio Banderas as the antagonist. Basically, he is an insane surgeon who abducts a young man and it transforms him into a beautiful woman.

-Teg

So I could get taken away by handsome doctor and turned into a beautiful woman, and it doesn't even cost anything, isn't that more of a fantasy than a movie?

Quote from: rachel89 on December 12, 2014, 07:28:49 PM
So I could get taken away by handsome doctor and turned into a beautiful woman, and it doesn't even cost anything, isn't that more of a fantasy than a movie?

Sadly, no. And even if this was a possibility, I'm afraid you would have to get to the back of the  line, sweetie.

But nice try. 

I have a feeling that men wouldn't take this so lightly, so i am probably not a man (although sex change operation is not the least painful medical procedure ever devised). Maybe it was a horror film because a man made it, if transsexual woman made the film, maybe it could be a romantic comedy, or maybe something else, where a cute doctor eventually helps the woman dilate in an organic manner;) (am I over the line yet)?

Quote from: rachel89 on December 12, 2014, 09:39:13 PM
I have a feeling that men wouldn't take this so lightly, so i am probably not a man (although sex change operation is not the least painful medical procedure ever devised). Maybe it was a horror film because a man made it, if transsexual woman made the film, maybe it could be a romantic comedy, or maybe something else, where a cute doctor eventually helps the woman dilate in an organic manner;) (am I over the line yet)?

I can't even see the line anymore. 

Glad to see that your spirits seem to be lifting.

-Teg