Quote from: Jill F on December 12, 2014, 06:56:19 PM
My former therapist (I no longer see one), has a PhD and dissected trans* brains as part of her study.   It seems that transwomen's brains fail to masculinize fully, or even at all in utero, so our brains basically end up wired female.  There are degrees of this phenomenon occurring, so there is evidence that gender really is a spectrum, not a binary.   A female brain has a lot more estrogen receptors in it than a male brain does, and when the receptors don't get the right hormones, they don't release the right endorphines and neurotransmitters, and voila- a major facet of gender dysphoria!   When my brain finally got its candy, it was like this thing that had been clamping down on my brain since I was about 12 suddenly began to release itself, I had a clear head, and I kept finding myself smiling and happy, where my life was pretty much sturm-und-drang until then.  When I finally got the orchiectomy, the sun really came out.  The entire weinght had been lifted, I was finally T-free, and I had never been happier. 

It seems my brain really wasn't wired to run on T.  Conversely, guys seen to thrive on the stuff.   Ask any transguy how much better they feel after their shot or older cisguys after treatment for low T.

My therapist had a similar understanding. Our brains are wired for estrogen.

When I started on a transitioning dose of HRT there was nothing.... and nothing..... and nothing.... and then about 6 weeks later suddenly I woke up to a different world - one with color, and vibrancy, and happiness. And the dysphoria was pretty much gone too. It was 180 degrees from how I had been feeling previously.

That's what happens when the correct hormones get into our brains.

So I am wondering if my personality has anything in common with other girls pre-HRT girls. I usually have a dark/gloomy personality and happiness tends to be a very occasional feeling rather than a regular part of my life. I am definitely a nerd and socially awkward (possibly Asperger's) I can definitely have an off-colour sense of humor. I can have tremendous empathy for others, but have lots of trouble expressing it (I have an interest in social justice type of causes).  I can be also be quite cynical. I can be a procrastinator. Also, I have a "Mother of Satan" temper (I can bring witnesses). BTW, I think that other trans women might have had the "Mother of Satan" temper pre-HRT, possibly because a female brain plays a role in making people more emotionally sensitive, while testosterone causes people to react in a very "male" way to those emotions. Many people, cis and trans have some of these, but I am wondering if any stand out for trans women.

I can't speak for any other girls, but this sounds a LOT like me pre-hormones.  I can't say that it's something exclusive to trans women though; I think anyone who'se been pretending to be someone else, repressing that sort of pain is going to be a bit messed up, and all the things you describe are common ways of coping: Disassociation, depression, disconnection, cynicism...I'm well versed in them all hon.  It sounds to me like you're just becoming aware of a lifetime of repression, and all of the consequences it has caused you :/  I really hope you can get back out of that pit; not to be a circa-2009 cliche, but it does get better!

Quote from: Jill F on December 12, 2014, 05:44:48 PM
Apparently cisgender people don't question their gender all the time.  They almost never do. 

Seems about right. I asked my wife if she ever did, she said "never." She also said she loves being a woman but doesn't think about it constantly.

I wish there was an easy way to test for a difference in the estrogen receptor/testosterone receptor ratio, but I'm not sure there is a good say to do it other than to "take the red pill" and go down the rabbit hole.  I find it amazing that it takes only a methyl group and a hydroxyl or ketone group on a molecule to make the difference between gender dysphoria and living in the right body with a the right brain chemistry.

BTW, why is gender dysphoria the only medical condition where some people find it acceptable  to stigmatize, discriminate against, beat, rape, and brutally murder patients who seek legitimate treatment for for it by living as their gender?

Quote from: rachel89 on December 13, 2014, 04:17:47 PM
I wish there was an easy way to test for a difference in the estrogen receptor/testosterone receptor ratio, but I'm not sure there is a good say to do it other than to "take the red pill" and go down the rabbit hole.  I find it amazing that it takes only a methyl group and a hydroxyl or ketone group on a molecule to make the difference between gender dysphoria and living in the right body with a the right brain chemistry.

BTW, why is gender dysphoria the only medical condition where some people find it acceptable  to stigmatize, discriminate against, beat, rape, and brutally murder patients who seek legitimate treatment for for it by living as their gender?

Because, Rachel, most people have no idea what it is. They can't even relate. That makes it scary. And we all know that if something is scary, the basest human instinct is to attack. Our enemy more than anything else is ignorance. There's no clearer way to say that.