This actually happened to me a few months ago

I thought I was doing just great out at a bar and out of nowhere this "woman" who is trans commented on my hair (wig) and offered a few tips...

I was offended, its just not cool and while I knew she was well meaning it also RUINED my evening... My first thought was to get the hell out of there and thats exactly what I did...

There is just no good way to say "hey I can see your not a cis woman, Im not either but I can help you pass better " best to just maybe give a wink or smile and leave it at that....

While I can understand the urge to help, because she was at work in a store close to Christmas, it would have been inappropriate.


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I was recently at a Ren Fest and one of the clerks at one of the booths was trans. It was obvious why - extreme brow bossing and other strongly male facial features. When I saw her I also recognized her from prior years when she had been presenting male. I said nothing and simply allowed her to help my cisgender friend, who also said nothing.

If she had spoken up, I would have been happy to have a friendly conversation with her but that opportunity didn't arise. The shop didn't have anything in my size that appealed to me either, or I would have broken the ice by identifying myself first when asking for help trying things on, then letting her choose whether to follow that or not. But that wasn't going to happen in that specific shop.


I'll also state that she had a beautiful figure, was small, and with FFS likely was going to be a veritable knockout someday.

To me, it would feel pretty close to the same as I do when someone misgenders me. I'd be nice and thank the person for the advice, but internally I'd have those same thoughts running through my head as I do when I'm misgendered: "Who are you kidding? You're not fooling anyone. You don't pass at all, people are just being nice when they treat you as a girl. etc. etc.

And I try not to let my thoughts go there, but sometimes they just do. So considering how I feel I may react to such a situation, I really would not want to do that to another of my trans sisters. Even if I saw she needed help and I had the best of intentions in wanting to provide advice. Just because your intentions are good doesn't mean it's something that should be done.

That said, it's certainly ok to strike up a conversation and treat her like a woman, but I wouldn't say anything about her being trans unless she brings it up or is obviously transgender proud (Eg. wearing clothing or jewelry with trans* symbols).

Quote from: katiej on December 16, 2014, 03:16:12 PM
A couple months ago I was in a video game store with my son, and the clerk helping us was trans.  Her presentation was perfect.  Great voice, good fashion sense, appropriate makeup.  The things that I picked up on were the things she couldn't change...hand size, wide shoulders, no hips.  And as someone else mentioned, most people probably would never have picked up on them.  I just know what to look for.

I really wanted to compliment her in some way.  And I realized that the best compliment I could give was to treat her like a normal girl working in a video game store.

Well said! And, by the way, I know a cis-woman with broad shoulders, no hips, a slight forehead bossing and a big head - all very 'male' signifiers ... and one of Britain's biggest newspapers, with millions of readers every day, regularly uses her as a model because their editors think she's the perfect, glamorous embodiment of how their typical, middle-aged female readers would absolutely love to look. And she does, indeed, look fantastic in their photos!

I have had it happen to me. I was shopping when I noticed a transwoman about 30 feet in front of me - that is how badly she was "passing". Her voice, posture and wig were all wrong and she was talking about being trans to the sales assistant who was serving her.

I turned on my heel and did a smart 180.

She seemed happy enough so I let her stay happy. It was not my business to rain on her parade.

Add me to the list of those who say to leave well enough alone, or at best, if you must approach, treat her like you would a cis woman. Not just because you might ruin her day, although that's true... but you can never be 100% certain unless you *have* been told/seen her transition.

I and two other friends of mine have all been in situations where someone meeting us for the first time already knew one member of the couple was trans - and picked our wives! (In one case, telling the cis wife that she clearly had some brow bossing but a little FFS would fix her right up, which fortunately she thought was hilarious.)