Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where I should put it.

It was last night... Which is odd, because think it is from Christmas. I dressed as a girl and pretended to be female and let people misgender me on Christmas. It was my choice. I suppose I should have stayed home if the stress of coming out was too much. But I didn't.

The night of the 27th was bad too. But not like last night. I haven't felt such a driving need to in so long. Seems like the only thing that stopped me was the fear of failure. Five times I've gone through actual suicide attempts. Even putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger didn't work. I needed a sure way, with zero chance of failure. It felt like poison burning through me, sort of, the only similarity I can think of is when I was a kid, being held under water and couldn't breathe and the need to breathe was starting to burn through my whole body. Only then I was fighting against the person holding me down. I guess in this case I wasn't fighting anything, just frozen, feeling that same intensity of need but unable to act on it for fear of failing yet again. 

Mostly I just feel sick and cold now. I'm just so tired. It was supposed to get better, and sure my body is more comfortable now but it isn't enough and all the social transition ->-bleeped-<- is unbearable. At most it seems to have delayed my death by maybe a few years. I was hoping for so much more than this.

I think I just need to tell someone about last night, who can't actually *do* anything to me. I'm scared of being hospitalized, it wouldn't help. I AM still breathing today despite last night, that should count for something.

Big hug! Glad you're still with us. I'd kill you if you comitted suicide. You can always talk to someone here, were open 24/7

Hugs, Devlyn

Pixie, please get help instead of suicide.

Try to sleep and eat some food.

Avoid alcohol and drugs.

Post to us if you need someone to talk to.

Quote from: Pixie on January 01, 2015, 06:08:19 PM
Sorry if this is in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where I should put it.

It was last night... Which is odd, because think it is from Christmas. I dressed as a girl and pretended to be female and let people misgender me on Christmas. It was my choice. I suppose I should have stayed home if the stress of coming out was too much. But I didn't.

The night of the 27th was bad too. But not like last night. I haven't felt such a driving need to in so long. Seems like the only thing that stopped me was the fear of failure. Five times I've gone through actual suicide attempts. Even putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger didn't work. I needed a sure way, with zero chance of failure. It felt like poison burning through me, sort of, the only similarity I can think of is when I was a kid, being held under water and couldn't breathe and the need to breathe was starting to burn through my whole body. Only then I was fighting against the person holding me down. I guess in this case I wasn't fighting anything, just frozen, feeling that same intensity of need but unable to act on it for fear of failing yet again. 

Mostly I just feel sick and cold now. I'm just so tired. It was supposed to get better, and sure my body is more comfortable now but it isn't enough and all the social transition ->-bleeped-<- is unbearable. At most it seems to have delayed my death by maybe a few years. I was hoping for so much more than this.

I think I just need to tell someone about last night, who can't actually *do* anything to me. I'm scared of being hospitalized, it wouldn't help. I AM still breathing today despite last night, that should count for something.

I'm really glad that you are still breathing.  There is enough death in this world.  I do not want you to be another trans* death.  I want you to be another living trans* person.

To hell you stay with us, I would like to offer you some resources.  When and if you find yourself considering suicide again, I want you to use them to reach out for help. 

The Trevor Lifeline -- 1-866-488-7386 support via online chat and text available from www.trevorproject.org. 
At Maryland Trans*Unity, we refer people to the Trevor Project for suicide prevention and crisis intervention services.  Even though they are geared toward youth, they turn no one away.  We have never lost anyone yet.  Thanks in part to them. 

The Trans Lifeline -- 1-877-565-8860. 
This is a new suicide prevention hotline specifically for trans* people and staffed entirely by trans* people.

I would also urge you to consider seeking out a local transgender support group.  These places are where our community comes together to help one another stay above water.  If you cannot find one, send me a PM with your location.  I will help you find one.  If you are in the DC/MD/VA area, you can come to the one I run.  A good group will give you, at a minimum, a safe place to talk and relieve some pressure.  And people do meet new friends (and even spouses) in these groups as well. 

Bear in mind that depression changes your perspective.  It can make things seem a lot more hopeless than they are.  Things like the emergency room are there for a reason and they do help people.  That includes trans* people.  So it really might help.

And last, please remember that people do care.  I do have other things I could be doing.  But the best use of my time I can think of is to sit down and write this to try and help you.  And I know I am not the only one who cares.  You are never as alone as you may feel. 

Pixie, I'm so glad you were unable to go through with this. Hugs.

You may not believe it now but you have a lot to live for. I know life seems unbearable sometimes, especially when we are depressed and/or going through transition. Do you have anyone you can talk to who can give you some support. You are depressed and getting some help would be absolutely in your best interests.

Having considered and been close to suicide myself on more occasions than I care to admit I understand where you are now. I'm also glad, that I never carried through with my intentions - sure there has been some crap moments and more than enough ordinary ones, but I relish the great ones when they do come along. I really hope there are some great moments coming along for you very soon.

Pixie! I am so relieved you did not go through with it. Life is way too precious and believe it or not people do care about you.

I agree about getting some help. A therapist can help a lot, even if she/he is just a place to let it all out.



The holidays are especially testing on us. Stay strong.

If you're of the punk rock persuasion, Henry Rollins is a great person to talk to. I'm serious. I've talked to him a couple times: once when I was struggling with transitioning, and another after I tried to kill myself. When you're queer, and especially trans, he'll really take the time to whole-heartedly write back to you.

http://henryrollins.com/contact
His email address is on the tab on the right.

God, Henry's such a sweetheart!

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on January 02, 2015, 10:41:43 AM
If you're of the punk rock persuasion, Henry Rollins is a great person to talk to. I'm serious. I've talked to him a couple times: once when I was struggling with transitioning, and another after I tried to kill myself. When you're queer, and especially trans, he'll really take the time to whole-heartedly write back to you.

http://henryrollins.com/contact
His email address is on the tab on the right.

God, Henry's such a sweetheart!

He gave a show/presentation/spoken-word-thing at my old university years ago that I went to see. I have a recording of it somewhere I think. It was awesome, even if it was in the company of an abusive ex-boyfriend. Nothing else about that time was good, and I can't even remember what I liked so much about it.

I have a therapist... And I've tried to connect with local support groups. I never heard back from anyone. But I did try. It seems like I'm doing everything I possibly can to make things better and nothing is working. Therapy and eating and sleeping and reaching out to people who should be able to help and pushing myself to do the things I know I like even when I don't feel like it ... I realistically don't know what else I can do to try to make myself feel better. And yet, what I am doing is very obviously not enough. I have no idea how many more nights like that one I can realistically expect to survive.

All the suicide hotlines are voice-based. I'm disabled and can't speak, so I've never been able to make use of those. I had a friend who would sleep with his phone so I could text him if I had a crisis-night. But I don't have anyone in my life who can do that for me now. Transition for me involved losing almost all my friends. The new ones I have are really new, I'm not about to lean on them too hard while we're still getting to know each other.

I know everyone here means well, but the idea of strangers I've never met caring about me and don't want me to kill myself just seems to make me feel worse, even more alone. I realize it doesn't make sense. The internet has always seemed too impersonal to me. Posting here doesn't help. I don't know why I do, except that it is something I can do that in theory is supposed to help. I'm desperate enough to try just about anything that is supposed to help, but I've run out of ideas.

I just I don't know what I am doing wrong. Why didn't transition work for me, like it has with everyone else???

Hon, a stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet!  This site is your 24/7 text based refuge, there's always someone on.

Hugs, Devlyn

Hi Pixie,

I dont know if transition works for everyone, its individual, transition often makes people more happy, but it dosen't make every problem go away, we still live in a world where people outside the binary are harshly opressed in pretty much every single country in the world more or less, so we have to be fighters to survive both before and after transition.

im glad you writte even if it seams impersonal to you, I had tried to commit suicide a few times in my life, unfurtunatly many transgender have.

I found this: http://crisislink.org/crisislinks-text-hotline/

*hugs*

I don't want to offer help (this subject is far too close to me), but to just say Susan's has helped me several times in the past. It helps if you can visualize them as real people, they aren't a computer program.

Quote from: Pixie on January 02, 2015, 07:17:43 PM
I have a therapist... And I've tried to connect with local support groups. I never heard back from anyone. But I did try.

Like I said, PM me your approximate location and I'll help you find one. 

Quote
It seems like I'm doing everything I possibly can to make things better and nothing is working. Therapy and eating and sleeping and reaching out to people who should be able to help and pushing myself to do the things I know I like even when I don't feel like it ... I realistically don't know what else I can do to try to make myself feel better. And yet, what I am doing is very obviously not enough. I have no idea how many more nights like that one I can realistically expect to survive.

All the suicide hotlines are voice-based. I'm disabled and can't speak, so I've never been able to make use of those. I had a friend who would sleep with his phone so I could text him if I had a crisis-night. But I don't have anyone in my life who can do that for me now. Transition for me involved losing almost all my friends. The new ones I have are really new, I'm not about to lean on them too hard while we're still getting to know each other.

No, all the suicide hotlines are not voice based.  That's part of why I gave you the Trevor Project website info.  Check out the website (www.trevorproject.org).  Suicide prevention support is available by text message, online chat, social networking, and, of course, telephone by voice.

I do not know the nature of your disability and I do not want to pry.  But I do wish to point out that telephone relay services are available for the deaf by dialing 711 on any phone in the US.  I wonder whether that service might work for you as well?

Quote
I know everyone here means well, but the idea of strangers I've never met caring about me and don't want me to kill myself just seems to make me feel worse, even more alone. I realize it doesn't make sense. The internet has always seemed too impersonal to me. Posting here doesn't help. I don't know why I do, except that it is something I can do that in theory is supposed to help. I'm desperate enough to try just about anything that is supposed to help, but I've run out of ideas.

I just I don't know what I am doing wrong. Why didn't transition work for me, like it has with everyone else???

Well, I suspect that depends on what you mean by "work".  What is not working for you about yours?  Wha is it that you see working for others?

Everyone transition is different.  We don't all have the same goals going in.  But we'd be better able to help if we understood what wasn't working for you and what goal you weren't reaching.  Then maybe we could suggest something helpful. 

But for now, my biggest concern is providing you with what I can give you to help you survive tonight.  And tomorrow night.  And the next one.

Sorry ThePhoenix, for not reading right. Not being sarcastic, I mean that literally. I'm not I think really very clear-headed lately. I loaded the Trevor project website on my phone, prob won't work but worth saving I guess.

I also lost my internet at home (temporarily). And. Where I l live has very limited cell connectivity.  Text msgs work, web pages not so much. So please do not want anyone assume I'm gone if I don't log in for a while. I don't want anyone to worry. I realize after what I've written here that mint be asking too much. sorry. Really sorry.

Pixie, I'm very glad that you're still here with us! Sending strength and a big hug!

You don't have to apologize, it is certainly not asking too much. We are all here to help and care for each other.

As for internet connection if you have access to a public library they frequently have computers with internet connection available.

Quote from: ErinReign on January 03, 2015, 12:34:00 AM
As for internet connection if you have access to a public library they frequently have computers with internet connection available.

Didn't think of that... Silly me. In a few days I'm starting my new classes and there's internet all over campus, so that shouldn't be a problem. Internet is back at home, for now at least, housemate finally paid the bill.

Quote from: ThePhoenix on January 02, 2015, 10:25:37 PM
Well, I suspect that depends on what you mean by "work".  What is not working for you about yours?  Wha is it that you see working for others?

That's easy. I was hoping for my dysphoria to quiet down to tolerable levels and it hasn't. The parts that are fixed are great. But the overall intensity of my dysphoria is worse, not better. The situations where my dysphoria gets more intense have changed for the worse, too. What used to allow me to work through it no longer helps much, or at all. I never expected medical transition to make everything better, but I did expect some level of peace with my body. So that I could focus on other things. That isn't happening and I don't understand why.

Quote from: Natkat on January 02, 2015, 07:41:18 PM
we still live in a world where people outside the binary are harshly opressed in pretty much every single country in the world more or less, so we have to be fighters to survive both before and after transition.

This might be part of the problem. I don't have the inner strength to stand up to the world like that. I never have. I got by for most of my life by hiding. I guess I thought I could just switch from hiding behind a girl's mask to hiding behind a guy's mask. Maybe in time I'll be able to hide again. But right now that isn't possible and I'm no longer sure it ever will be.


Last night I dreamed that I went for my razors and instead of just leaving new scars, I bled out and died. Or nearly died, I woke up before that. It was an accident, even in the dream I hadn't intended to kill myself. I've not cut myself regularly in years. I can probably continue to avoid doing so. But... If it helps avoid more nights where I want to die badly enough to try for it, it might be worth the new scars. Or I could just be trying to rationalize wanting to go back to doing that. I can't tell. My therapist is no help with this, she thinks ice cubes and rubber bands are a perfectly acceptable substitute...

I am at least not sabotaging myself as much as I was last year. I'm still exercising and lifting weights at least 3 times a week. I'm still tracking food to make sure I'm not under-eating. I'm still scheduling date-nights with my friends, they insist they still enjoy my company so I guess I'll keep going.  I will (hopefully) not skip out on class as often either, the new quarter starts in two days. But it is getting harder to keep up with everything.

Quote from: Pixie on January 04, 2015, 02:22:56 PM
Didn't think of that... Silly me. In a few days I'm starting my new classes and there's internet all over campus, so that shouldn't be a problem. Internet is back at home, for now at least, housemate finally paid the bill.

That's easy. I was hoping for my dysphoria to quiet down to tolerable levels and it hasn't. The parts that are fixed are great. But the overall intensity of my dysphoria is worse, not better. The situations where my dysphoria gets more intense have changed for the worse, too. What used to allow me to work through it no longer helps much, or at all. I never expected medical transition to make everything better, but I did expect some level of peace with my body. So that I could focus on other things. That isn't happening and I don't understand why.

This might be part of the problem. I don't have the inner strength to stand up to the world like that. I never have. I got by for most of my life by hiding. I guess I thought I could just switch from hiding behind a girl's mask to hiding behind a guy's mask. Maybe in time I'll be able to hide again. But right now that isn't possible and I'm no longer sure it ever will be.


Last night I dreamed that I went for my razors and instead of just leaving new scars, I bled out and died. Or nearly died, I woke up before that. It was an accident, even in the dream I hadn't intended to kill myself. I've not cut myself regularly in years. I can probably continue to avoid doing so. But... If it helps avoid more nights where I want to die badly enough to try for it, it might be worth the new scars. Or I could just be trying to rationalize wanting to go back to doing that. I can't tell. My therapist is no help with this, she thinks ice cubes and rubber bands are a perfectly acceptable substitute...

I am at least not sabotaging myself as much as I was last year. I'm still exercising and lifting weights at least 3 times a week. I'm still tracking food to make sure I'm not under-eating. I'm still scheduling date-nights with my friends, they insist they still enjoy my company so I guess I'll keep going.  I will (hopefully) not skip out on class as often either, the new quarter starts in two days. But it is getting harder to keep up with everything.

it happents for some people that there dyshoria change, so you exemple start having dyshoria of your chest and then years later you get more bottom dyshoria, I can't speak so much for myself cause I don't suffer that much from dyshoria, Mine is more social related than to my body but I heard other other saying this.
--
I dont belive your dream is a sign you will start to cut or kill yourself, I am pretty facinated by dreams as I do analysing but I dont belive them to be dirrect in there languarge. as how I belives dreams are more symbol of your mentality, so its normal that people who are depressed, in stress or simular get more nightmares and strong dreams.

what you say about hidding also sound very stressfull I think no matter which gender you are hidding is stressfull