Oh well, orangejuice, we are all different and what works for one might not work for another or vice versa. A lot of what You wrote in Your opening post struck memories in me. I will try to be brief and not hijack this thread with usual "I did... in my case" etc but some stuff was really similar. Ever since I was little kid, I knew something was wrong and around age of 4 -5 I figured out what the issue was. Around the age of 13 I learnt what transsexual was, read an article about Caroline Cossey, looked at her picture and sort of got impression that this could never happen with me because I was in a different situation and lived in another country. I also stopped crossdressing around the age of 15 because I started to look bad in my mom's stuff and also doing that and then switching back caused a lot of distress, so I figured out that maybe if I would not deliberately pick at it, it would not hurt afterwards or maybe go away.
I was very insecure about being a guy, but around the age of 16 I started to figure out how to be a one - I did not like most of my peers but I found role models from movies and literature who, in my opinion, were decent men and made a point always to act like them - I thought that if I would follow this simple mental programme nobody would ever find out and I would go on living like an ideal man. I took hobbies which strengthened that image - martial arts, equestrian sports, medieval swordfighting - You get the idea. The more You get into this, the more You want and need and stuff gets more and more extreme, because testosterone and adrenaline are powerful combination.
I would lie if I said that this stuff was not enjoyable - I liked what I did, it helped to forget and ghosts from past started to fade out. Except, You need to keep this stuff going because once Your mind and body become idle, vague things and deeply supressed memories will come out and You will remember who You are.
So, yeah, I was quite sure that it was over and I have dealt with it and could go on with my life as a guy. And then, something somewhere broke down and that stone wall started to crumble. At first, I did not notice anything and kept going with a flow – I started doing not very typical guy things and did not even think twice about why I did them. One thing led to another until I realised that feelings from my childhood are back in full force, like they happened just yesterday, not some 30 years ago (I was to turn 35 when I came back(. And worst part was that nothing of my coping mechanisms seemed to work anymore – suddenly, those hobbies seemed empty and shallow, and I was too scared to try out more dangerous stuff. But the most important part was that it made me remember who I was deep inside and as soon as I accepted that, I could not deny that anymore.
At one point of time, when trying to figure it all out in first attempts to sort out all that internal mess I came accross this article:
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htmIt opened my eyes to a lot of things, and some missing (nope, deliberately forgotten) pieces of my life came back, it all clicking into their places as some kind of puzzle. I did recognise the pattern all too well and I did not like some of possible future scenarios. So, yeah, read at Your discretion and apply to Your own situation, but there is one thing which I did learn – this thing does not really go away completely and ignoring it and pushing it into some deep and dark places does not help. You can keep runing but You wont outrun Yourself – and this stuff is INSIDE You, not in some random external place from where You can run away forever. You can run, but it keeps running with You.
