I feel like this is a strange thing, I wanted to see if I'm not alone in this because it is soul crushing and hard to cope with.

A little background: I realized I was possibly at trans at 20, believed I was MtF because I wished I had been born a girl. I had crossdressed, fantasized about being a girl. But I was afraid, I had always tried so hard to fit in and I thought I had to be a man's man to fit in. I never knew I could be a girl, I just knew that being a guy didnt come naturally and I was really insecure about that. 

I explored the idea for a night but it was too scary, how could I tell anyone? That alone was too much and I found immediate relief from the fear in telling myself "dont be a f'ing girl, youre a guy now man up"

8 years of the usual anxiety, depression, etc passed. Years of drug addiction. The feelings expressed themselves in rare crossdressing and porn interests.

4 months ago I had been dealing with increasing desires to be a woman, fantasies of being one, wanting to look like one. 3 months ago I began HRT, and recently I went full time without passing because I cant live as any kind of guy anymore.

Here's my issue:

Dysphoria is worse now than its ever been. If i had it before coming out 4 months ago, then I have no idea. I spent the last 8 years trying to become a "better man". I always believed my identity was male because well look at my body, it had to be!

My dysphoria is hell. Absolute hell. Everything male about me causes me pain. My beard shadow that laser isnt removing fast enough. My large male frame. My masculine voice.

I have short periods at least every other day where I cant stop thinking about how awful I look with my male features. In those periods it feels like the feeling of being a woman just evaporate and I am left feeling like a man, and I hate it and it's distressing.

It makes me feel like I just want to be a girl, rather than that I am one. This hurts so bad I want to scream. I feel if I had just been born a girl, it wouldnt be a problem. But Im big, im masculine looking, and I hate it.

Does anyone else struggle this hard? Why does my dysphoria cut as deep as my gender identity, it doesnt say "youre a girl but have a mans body", instead it tells me "youre not a girl you just want to be one, youre just a man inside and out". The thing is, it hurts beyond anything ive ever felt emotionally.

Am I alone in this?

Some realize they are trans and just go and explore, but others, esspecially after trying hard to be the guy you and everyone else expects you to be, have difficulities coping with it. You focussed all that time to be a guy and to see what makes you masculine. Now that is in your system, you can't just get that out by wanting so.

Start with not thinking about a transition, but with being fine with your thoughts. It is fine (if you do) to be interested in men if even just look at them. It is fine to feel more feminine with the way you think, it is alright to be sensetive and it is alright not to man up and to let your emotions take over for a moment.

When you do not longer feel bad or guilty of what you are thinking, you then can think about what you really want and in which direction you move.

And with about insecurities; super models are 80% masculine or feminine. It is what they were picked for. Everyone has male and female traits. You just don't yet know what your female traits are, so do not focus on what you don't got so much but think about what you do have.

*just now saw I didn't see you already started HRT. Might be an unpopular opinion but first get your mind at ease about what you want, then decide if you need HRT. If for passing or looking feminine, there is so much more to it than HRT and HRT can just add up on the pressure of it being defenitive.*

Thank you for your response, it makes sense that trying so hard to be a guy all those years really messed with my head.

As far as HRT goes, I started because I wanted to transition to female. I wanted a female body, female hormones. I heard people describe the typical effects and changes from HRT and every last one of them I wanted.

I still feel strongly about transitioning and continuing HRT, I would be an absolute worthless wreck if I had to stop either. I want to live as a woman, feel as a woman, look like a woman, everything.

My fear and dysphoria is that somehow im not supposed to be a woman. My fear is that Im actually a cis guy.

I forced myself to 'man up', I needed to 'man up' just to ensure survival and to feel like one of them, I passed all male 'rites of passages' that was presented to me as a teen, but I realize that 'being a man' thing is superficial, it's not really what being a man is about. Which is weird, because I never really felt like a 'man', I was acting, and I learnt so much. I think that you can be a man's man on the outside, and be a female on the inside. I think men and women are a lot closer to each other than most think, it's just that society wants to exaggerate the difference.

Think about it this way, you had no choice but to 'man up' and be a 'man's man' as you say. That doesn't mean it always has to be that way, it's not a standard with which you should measure the rest of your life with. three months ago, when you finally decided to be who you are, you decided to start transitioning. 20 years as a male, just three months as your true self, it must feel strange at first, give it time.

Gender dysphoria makes you focus on the things that you don't like about your body, rather than the things you do like. On some days, I feel good about my eyes or fingers or other things I really like about myself, and on other days, I feel bad about my height or my body hair. I think it's natural to have 'off' days. Cis people have to deal with too, but not as bad as trans people maybe? I don't know. There's a voice in my head that sometimes tells me this is all just make believe, and I should just focus on being a normal cis male, 'look at yourself in the mirror, do you really see something other than a male?', i've tried to purge myself two or three times, but my dysphoria won't go away.

I have a somewhat similar story as yours. I realized I felt female when I was like 13-14 and almost came out. There were family issues going on at the time so I didn't. Instead became the manliest man possible.
It came up several times from then till now but I just ignored them for one reason or another.
I got into drugs and anabolic steroids. I stayed involved in sports from middle school through adulthood. I got involved in a music genre that is transphobic. Site Mister C I think is his name.
Finally I got injured severed ties in the music industry and all my excuses were gone.

It always ate away at me but after I finally accepted myself , started making efforts to transition, and came out to some people it became a whole new beast. The dysphoria has been worse than ever. It controls my actions through out the day and often leads to alot of inaction. Before I came out I could look in the mirror and think. "well at least I'm a good looking man". I can't do that now. I now just see a man in place of a women and sometimes it just makes me cry. I am self conscious about the way I look as a female which makes me not want to go around people even when presenting as a male. Because now I am somewhere slightly in the middle leaning toward masculinity and that feels horrible it shames me honestly. I think sometimes maybe this is the wrong decision. Try to bargain my way out of it. I think what the difference is. Now that I have made huge strides towards a transition it became a very clear reality to me, and now i don't have the masculinity to use as a crutch. In time this will be a good thing, and I think for me at 31 it is often a natural thought process into transitioning.

I think all of the alpha male habits I have learned through the years (welcomed or not) are so hard to replace and relearn the behaviors and mannerisms that fit me. It makes you want to quit sometimes and go back to the security you had before anyone knew. I think to just try and forget it all. That's just not healthy though.

So much like you I question myself and personally debate myself on moving forward. I hate my male body but it makes me question a lot if it would be tolerable . When  I really am honest with myself I know I have to do this for the sake of my happiness and ultimately everyone around me because no one that loves you wants you to be miserable.

I have had minor victories moving forward. For example I went from 225 lbs 7% bf to about 155 lbs and a bit higher bf% that looks more feminine. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. Like people have told me you have to be patient. One thing I remember from sports is. Nothing worth doing is easy otherwise it wouldn't be worth doing.

Hopefully I'll be able to edit this since I typed it on my phone. I know its a mess.

   I think it's safe to call it; you're not cisgender.  Whether you choose to transition is up to you, but you, I and many other people will never be cis.  Here's the rub; we have to accept ourselves before we can ask others to do the same.  Body dysmorphia, and gender dysphoria are huge but surmountable issues.  It's why we're strongly urged to get counseling.  Just know you aren't alone, and be patient with your loved ones.

Quote from: Leslie36369 on January 10, 2015, 11:17:16 PM
... no one that loves you wants you to be miserable.

Be aware, your family and friends may perceive any continued distress as a symptom of transitioning making you less happy.  I'm nearing the end of my first two years of medical transition, and I only recently began to feel good about myself.  Thankfully my support system is pretty forgiving and understanding.  Now I'm mostly dealing with the regular problems: divorced parents, broken nails, recovering from surgery, boys... you get the picture.
   I'm as close to happy as I've been for a long time, but I still hate looking down when I bathe.  I still second guess myself, although less frequently.  I still have facial hair I'm fighting, and my hair is an unkempt mess I need to grow out another few months before I can get it styled properly.  I still struggle with my voice, and am outed by my drivers license.  I'm just as frustrated by how long it took me to get to where I'm not usually clocked, as I am annoyed by how much further I have to go.
   If there's anything I've learned, it's that I need to spend less time worrying about the future and hoping it comes faster.  I need to enjoy the present, my family and friends.  I hate feeling lonely, but have continually isolated myself in the past because of fear and self doubt.  I wish I hadn't.

   I hope you find your innermost drive and allow it to be your guide, to compel you forward.  Once you pick your path, accept that you will stumble but don't falter.  When things are hard for me I like to imagine Dory from Finding Nemo urging me onward singing, "Just keep swimming." [emoji4]

  It's ok to be imperfect.
  It's ok to get clocked or outed.
  It's ok to make mistakes. 
  Only you can be you, and you are beautiful.
    Frak Haters.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Hi!

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's possible the difficulty you are feeling stems from going full time and the HRT, laser, etc hasn't had long enough to do what it can do. Most of us feel very awkward in the very early stages of transition. It's possible you will feel better with time as you see your appearance and body feminise. The process does take 12-18-24 months though. Are you seeing a counsellor or therapist that you can talk to about your dysphoria? Are there support groups in your area?

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Cheers

Grace

Quote from: Obfuskatie on January 11, 2015, 02:50:53 AM
   I think it's safe to call it; you're not cisgender.  Whether you choose to transition is up to you, but you, I and many other people will never be cis.  Here's the rub; we have to accept ourselves before we can ask others to do the same.  Body dysmorphia, and gender dysphoria are huge but surmountable issues.  It's why we're strongly urged to get counseling.  Just know you aren't alone, and be patient with your loved ones.    Be aware, your family and friends may perceive any continued distress as a symptom of transitioning making you less happy.  I'm nearing the end of my first two years of medical transition, and I only recently began to feel good about myself.  Thankfully my support system is pretty forgiving and understanding.  Now I'm mostly dealing with the regular problems: divorced parents, broken nails, recovering from surgery, boys... you get the picture.
   I'm as close to happy as I've been for a long time, but I still hate looking down when I bathe.  I still second guess myself, although less frequently.  I still have facial hair I'm fighting, and my hair is an unkempt mess I need to grow out another few months before I can get it styled properly.  I still struggle with my voice, and am outed by my drivers license.  I'm just as frustrated by how long it took me to get to where I'm not usually clocked, as I am annoyed by how much further I have to go.
   If there's anything I've learned, it's that I need to spend less time worrying about the future and hoping it comes faster.  I need to enjoy the present, my family and friends.  I hate feeling lonely, but have continually isolated myself in the past because of fear and self doubt.  I wish I hadn't.

   I hope you find your innermost drive and allow it to be your guide, to compel you forward.  Once you pick your path, accept that you will stumble but don't falter.  When things are hard for me I like to imagine Dory from Finding Nemo urging me onward singing, "Just keep swimming." [emoji4]

  It's ok to be imperfect.
  It's ok to get clocked or outed.
  It's ok to make mistakes. 
  Only you can be you, and you are beautiful.
    Frak Haters.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Thank you very much for the encouraging words