I don't get body issues all the time, it tends to come in waves and sometimes I'm distracted... Like sometimes I struggle to even look in a mirror, sometimes I go out and bind and wear nice cologne and feel a bit handsome.

Binding helps because it quietens a part of my mind (I can't be sexual and show my chest), though before I realised by weird disconnected feeling was gender related, my chest felt weird and less emotional... Like, I used to hide my body a lot anyway, or dress "butch" and I always felt really wrong and hated my fat distribution, but I never put it down to being a man, just down to self-esteem.

So I don't know if this makes sense... I sometimes wonder how trans* I am... If I actually need to transition or not, as it does seem big and scary... But I honestly can't go on as a woman.

But since realising you were trans*, has your relationship with your body changed? I.E. Do you notice bits which are more masculine/feminine than you'd like? I mean in since having this realisation, is there more focus on certain areas? Do these feelings come in waves or are they constant?

It seems a lot of people "knew" when they were a kid... I didn't know being trans* existed. I grew up thinking I was a boy and then started to develop, but I have invested so much of my life being invisible due to family abuse and bullying (partly for being androgynous), that I never really explored it.

My dysphoria became more specific after realising I was trans.

Before I realised I struggled a lot with body image. I couldn't stand my body, but I didn't know why. I loathed myself, and I turned to bad stuff to help that. I ended up dropping 16lbs in around a month because I thought I hated myself because I was fat, all I saw was fat where I didn't want it to be.

I knew I wanted top surgery before I knew I was trans and before I knew was top surgery was, I just wanted my chest removed completely.

As far as bottom dysphoria goes before the realisation of me being trans was, I'm not going to go into detail but there was a situation and I remember feeling disgusted and horrified when I saw my body. I didn't know it was a body part of the wrong sex, but I felt sick to my stomach to know what I had.

I think my dysphoria became more intense after I realised I was trans, it was more concentrated. Now I know my body doesn't match my gender and I can fix that, whereas before I had a general intense hatred of my body and the urge to destroy it, not understanding why.

Everyone is different though, remember that. Just sharing my experience and I hope it helps.
Damn, that was hard to write.
-Matthew

Get rid of the concept of being trans enough. If you're trans, you're trans enough. That's it. It doesn't matter how long you've known for, it doesn't matter whether you plan on medically transitioning or not, none of that makes you more or less trans, you know?

But yeah, my dysphoria was kind of...subtle, I guess...before I realised it. Basically, I was brought up to think that if you have these body parts and you go through this puberty, you're a girl. So I never felt like a girl, but I 'knew' I was and never questioned it, because to me, it didn't matter whether or not I felt like a girl, it was a fact. So I hated the fact that I was hairy, I hated the fact that my voice sounded deep (it doesn't, lol I was delusional), I hated the fact that I looked like a boy, etc. Because it was like...I either wanted to be a boy or I wanted to actually look like a girl. I felt so ugly and I hated myself.

Now, however, I understand dysphoria better, so it's not necessarily that I hate myself or feel ugly, it's more specific. I know what I feel and I know why I feel it. It does come and go, though. For example, I usually forget that my chest exists, so I don't often have chest dysphoria, but then something reminds me and it hits me. Also, kind of sad but funny: I gave myself bottom dysphoria by accident. I NEVER had bottom dysphoria except in a sexual way, which didn't really matter. But I decided to buy a packer to see if it would make me feel better. And so I bought a packer, and because I bought a packer, I had accidentally done something that focused my mind on what my genitals are to the point where I now get bottom dysphoria.

I didn't know about transgender when I was younger. I just knew I hated my body. I always felt like I was weirdly proportioned. And over the years I found out I hated my body no matter what my weight was. I've always hated my chest (even though I'm fairly small chested).

When I learned about transgender, it still took me a while to put two and two together. Since then I've noticed that I feel more dysphoric more often, though I wonder if now it's just because A) I have words to say why I feel that way and B) I know that there are things than can be done to ease it.

I don't really experience bottom dysphoria as much, except when it's "that time" and it's very in my face that things aren't how they should be "down there".

The realization that I am trans was a slow process. As a kid, I knew something was off, but back then I didn't have needs and urges I have today at 23. It starts with puberty, I've always had 'bottom' dysphoria, like big time bottom dysphoria. I have a perfectly normal male body, but it's not what I want at all.

I don't know if it's the realization that I'm trans that made my dysphoria worse or if it was the increase in dysphoria that made me realize I'm trans. when you know that you're trans and dysphoria urges you to learn just what is happening with your body, you end up feeling like knowing you are trans made things worse.

Before I knew I was trans, I thought I was just 'wrong'.

First off I am still in the acceptance that I am trans really. Yet starting to realize basically I am what I am now what should I do about it.

I had always felt off and just that off no gender tags to it just plain a little off. Then as I hit teens I started to cross dress in secret of course. As I got even older I did that off and on thinken eh its just a fetish that was distressing me since I worked as a cook very stressful job etc. After I happen to have a foot injury and standing on it all the time I just figured that when I finally left the job I was just plain stressed out. Then I saw a particular transition video and literally broke down which led me here to finally figure out ok what is wrong with me. Well after that discovery I had felt dysphoric for about 4 months till now it has seemed to taper to nothing major but still there. The at least partial acceptance has helped me in a sense that now I have an idea how I can possibly deal with this.

At the moment I am waiting to get HRT more as a test for self to I guess truly accept myself as trans.
Given that I am 43 I do start to wonder if this is just some midlife crisis thing or I have finally just hit a wall that needs to break down to be free for once. I still wonder as I am waiting for the HRT if I will have another episode of greater dysphoria or was that just a thing I had and I am not really trans at all.

So in short for me at least finding out made it worse for a bit then as I accepted myself more it helped or maybe I am really just a little off:) Then again the idea I am even thinking to change gender???

I do realize that at my age it may be just something else or that I have finally hit a wall of wait you aint what you were born as. My only clue really was the fact I bond and am intrested way more with what females speak about and do. Not necessarily makeup clothes just normal things if that makes any sense what so ever to anyone.

Lastly at the very least I get healthier and discover me really me. Smoke and could lose a lot of weight etc. Guess I am in the not sure I can pass ever with the balding fat hairy ape syndrome:)

PS sorry if this is a little off topic:)

Quote from: Jason C on January 09, 2015, 06:55:35 PM
Also, kind of sad but funny: I gave myself bottom dysphoria by accident. I NEVER had bottom dysphoria except in a sexual way, which didn't really matter. But I decided to buy a packer to see if it would make me feel better. And so I bought a packer, and because I bought a packer, I had accidentally done something that focused my mind on what my genitals are to the point where I now get bottom dysphoria.

I did this to myself as well.  I tried tucking, to see how it worked.  Well I found how it worked, I also found I'm not really capable of doing it at the moment and I also found out that I'm super uncomfortable with my genitals at the moment.  I never noticed how in the way they are.  I've always been uncomfortable acknowledging them but I always just though "hey, it's the evil I know!". 

On topic, I've heard that dysphoria changes as you transition.  It can become much more intense.  However, the point is that you eventually don't get it any more.

I wouldn't say it has gotten stronger but disphoric thoughts are for frequent now. I had developed a sense of detachment from my lumpy chest where I could do more than glance at myself in the mirror. Binding has made me much more comfortable in the sense that my contour is smoother and I don't feel the discomfort of bouncing anymore. I realized very quickly that binding is not enough because I still bulge up top and I can't breathe well enough for the high intensity exercise I like to do. I haven't had the slightest doubt that surgery will be the right choice for me.

I don't know that my dysphoria has gotten stronger, just that it's gotten different. I think part of that is that I learned what it was that has made me so uncomfortable in my own skin since I was a child. I was the "little girl" that asked for a hysterectomy at 10 and breast removal at 15. No matter how much they told me I'd change my mind when I grew up, I never did. I used to cry myself to sleep when I started developing because I couldn't be one of the boys anymore.

Since learning that I am transgender a lot of these memories started making sense and more have been coming back. I don't think I feel dysphoric more of the time, but now I have a name for it, know where it's coming from, and can't successfully pretend it doesn't exist like I did for years and years.

Quote from: Matthew on January 09, 2015, 05:53:45 PM
My dysphoria became more specific after realising I was trans.

Before I realised I struggled a lot with body image. I couldn't stand my body, but I didn't know why. I loathed myself, and I turned to bad stuff to help that. I ended up dropping 16lbs in around a month because I thought I hated myself because I was fat, all I saw was fat where I didn't want it to be.

[...]

I think my dysphoria became more intense after I realised I was trans, it was more concentrated. Now I know my body doesn't match my gender and I can fix that, whereas before I had a general intense hatred of my body and the urge to destroy it, not understanding why.

This exactly describes my experience with my body and self-image for my entire life (well, since puberty anyway). Before figuring out I was trans, dysphoria was diffuse. I couldn't pinpoint what made me feel so awful about myself and my body. So now I know, and for me it means the "pain" is sharper and more acute for being better defined. If dysphoria were a shape, before my realization its edges were fuzzy. Now they are sharp and well-defined.

I didn't have much dysphoria to start with. Just a vague discomfort with my chest that I never gave much thought to. Since I first tried binding I realized how much more confident and comfortable with myself I was with a relatively flat chest, and now there's definitely a lot more dysphoria going on there. My mom's actually asked me not to bind (the one time I did around her) because "doing something about it wil make the feeling worse." I suppose that's kinda true in a paradoxical way. I don't look in the mirror when I have to not bind because I get dysphoric.

Other than that, my thighs have been bothering me more and more recently. Further emphasized by the fact that I don't even own a pair of men's jeans. I've always been slightly overweight growing up, so I'm not quite clear on whether this is an "I'm fat" or a dysphoria issue. Not that I cared much about my weight. I just look at myself in the mirror (I do that a lot more now) and my usual conclusion is that if only I had a little less thigh fat (also hip fat) my figure could possibly pass as male.

Still no bottom dysphoria, but I'm kind of toying with the idea of packing. Also my dislike for my voice has heightened.

Yeah, it changed for me since I started testosterone.

It's more 'specific' like other people have said.  Before it was just a general sense of grossness and self-loathing.  But now parts have gotten better and parts have gotten worse.
My chest dysphoria was bad after I realized I was trans, but it has actually lessened the longer I've been on T because my chest has shrunk dramatically (it's nowhere near as big as it used to be! wahoo) In addition, I'm working out a lot and getting pecs so even if I look at myself in the mirror, I have a 'selective blindness' where I don't see the boobs, I just see the pecs underneath if that makes any sense.  It helps to know that I'll be able to get top surgery before too long with the new decision re: trans care in NY state (yay!)  Don't get me wrong, I still get into a funk over it every now and then but most of the time I can put it out of my mind.
However, my bottom dysphoria has been getting steadily worse since I realized I was trans.  Thank God, 'that time of the month' is a thing of the past (not sure I could deal with it at this point) but just having the equipment there is bothering me more and more.  Don't really have sex at all at this point.  Bleh. 

Mine definitely got worse after I figured stuff out.  I did not think of myself as trans growing up; I figured the genitalia made the woman, and I was just a particularly odd sort of woman.  I'd done an impressive job of repressing my gender problems for most of my life, and ended up career-obsessed and depressed.  I tried binding my breasts "just to see what I'd look like" and wham!  Dysphoria.    Within a month I couldn't bring myself to wear a bra or women's clothes anymore.  Didn't take me long to get to the place where I knew I couldn't continue as a woman, either. 

For me, the dysphoria comes in waves, and is very much eased by dressing well, binding, packing, thinking about what changes I'll see on T, etc.  Sometimes it's invisible, I'll just feel vaguely off and not OK, and not feel better until I shed the last feminine trappings of my workday. Sometimes it's pretty crushing. And sometimes, I feel pretty fine. 

And yeah, forget "trans enough."  It's not a contest, or a test you have to pass.  You are who you are.  Figure out what you need to do to be happy-- that's all that really matters. 

Before I realized I was trans* I didn't like the way my body was. I knew exactly why it was (and is) that way - I'm lopsided because of scoliosis and other factors.

After the fact, I've become much more aware of the curve of my hips. Even though I'm pretty thin and have what some call "snake hips" I can still see the fat deposits, and when I look at my body profile.... ew moooooobs. Also, learning from Dad that I came out with a V and a P (no urethra in the second, but it was THERE) I want the second one SOOOO much more and am wondering if a meta bottom surgery would set it free.

I have a feeling most to all of us wonder "How trans am I?". The truth lies in the sub-text "I hope not very since I can't go through with it if I am too trans"

IMO - The real question to ask is "What do I need to do to manage how I am feeling today?"

If you are asking yourself how trans... face it, you likely are. Just because you are does not automatically mean you have to change teams. Being trans is a spectrum, not a binary. If you try to think in terms of, "I feel so good by doing this little thing" just keep on doing that little thing. It's like just because a rock chipped the pain on your car does not mean it is time to buy a new car 

Quote from: JoanneB on January 14, 2015, 07:41:12 PM
I have a feeling most to all of us wonder "How trans am I?". The truth lies in the sub-text "I hope not very since I can't go through with it if I am too trans"

IMO - The real question to ask is "What do I need to do to manage how I am feeling today?"

If you are asking yourself how trans... face it, you likely are. Just because you are does not automatically mean you have to change teams. Being trans is a spectrum, not a binary. If you try to think in terms of, "I feel so good by doing this little thing" just keep on doing that little thing. It's like just because a rock chipped the pain on your car does not mean it is time to buy a new car 

I love this post, so true.

Quote from: JoanneB on January 14, 2015, 07:41:12 PM
I have a feeling most to all of us wonder "How trans am I?". The truth lies in the sub-text "I hope not very since I can't go through with it if I am too trans"

IMO - The real question to ask is "What do I need to do to manage how I am feeling today?"

If you are asking yourself how trans... face it, you likely are. Just because you are does not automatically mean you have to change teams. Being trans is a spectrum, not a binary. If you try to think in terms of, "I feel so good by doing this little thing" just keep on doing that little thing. It's like just because a rock chipped the pain on your car does not mean it is time to buy a new car 

Joanne,

I do believe what you are saying works for you.  I also need it to work for me!!

We will see in the upcoming months.

Emily

Quote from: JoanneB on January 14, 2015, 07:41:12 PM
I have a feeling most to all of us wonder "How trans am I?". The truth lies in the sub-text "I hope not very since I can't go through with it if I am too trans"

IMO - The real question to ask is "What do I need to do to manage how I am feeling today?"

If you are asking yourself how trans... face it, you likely are. Just because you are does not automatically mean you have to change teams. Being trans is a spectrum, not a binary. If you try to think in terms of, "I feel so good by doing this little thing" just keep on doing that little thing. It's like just because a rock chipped the pain on your car does not mean it is time to buy a new car 

Thanks for this Joanne.
I have gone from just being curious to questioning to being pretty sure about my dysphoria in just a few weeks, and though I am still hoping it goes away, I have also realized that I feel much better when I try to manage my feelings instead of suppressing or wishing them away, and when I accept all that my memories were trying to tell me instead of just dismissing them as random events without any pattern.
As of now, just accepting my inner gender identity and using that to look differently at my clothes, work, people around me etc has been working, i.e. there is not so much of physical dysphoria. But that is also because I know I can't really transition right now. Also, looking at transition as a process with different steps I can choose from does help, instead of looking at it as a binary change.

Admitting this to myself's really made my bottom dysphoria more real, if that makes sense.  I was born with hypospadias and had it repaired when I was 4, but every few years, I have to have my urethra reopened because it closes up.  In fact, I just had my last procedure back in October.  And for the longest time, I used to really hate my penis because of that.  It really wasn't so much a desire to have a vagina so much as I just didn't want to have the pain, embarrassment and whatnot that comes with maintaining my urinary tract.  My doctor is now talking about self-catheterizing as a preventative measure, but the thing is, no one and I mean NO ONE has ever successful gotten a catheter in me while I was conscious.  EVER.  And my new urologist (my previous one retired earlier this year) is now talking about having me attempt to do it myself, and I'm just thinking, "are you NUTS?!"

I also hated the fact that I had to explain my penis to people.  The hypopsadias repair and the multiple reopenings, mine doesn't look like most other guys.  It's also kind of small, nevermind that I'm overweight and have a fair bit of pelvic fat making it seem even smaller.  It was always embarrassing to even bring up.  I've only had one sexual partner, and her take on my penis was basically one of the worst reactions I could have imagined.  She didn't outright laugh at it.  No, instead, she went all passive aggressive, bold-face lying about how it didn't matter, yet always talking about it. She'd try to sound like she was all loving, but I knew she was lying.  She used to do stuff like that to me all the time, thinking that if she challenged my manhood, she'd get the kind of man she really wanted, when it basically did the exact opposite.  It made me want to crawl in a hole and die, because if this abusive horrible person can't even say anything nice about me, who's to say anyone better would even want me?  I felt like damaged goods. 

I can't even imagine going through with SRS.  If that could lead to a permanent solution as far as never needing another surgery to reopen my urinary tract ever again, fine.  But it'd have to be the last surgery I'd ever need down there. 

At the same time, being able to admit to myself that I may, in fact, be trans, it makes me wonder if all of these years I spent hating my penis because of my birth defect or size was really just me repressing the fact that maybe I just hated having one altogether.  I'm not even really sure I want my gender to be defined by my body parts, anymore.  I think I just want to function and to be seen as me, even if not all the parts fit.  I just want them to work, and not constantly malfunction the way mine currently seem to do.

Six or so years ago when my entire life, and existence went into the toilet along with everything I defined myself by I sort of had to finally take on the trans beast for real. My only goal then and still my only goal today is to be one whole, healthy and happy person and not all these bits of people, roles I felt I needed to live up to. In effect trying to live up to everyone's expectations for me. All because of how I was NOT handling being trans.

Handling, or figuring out how to manage it, is a scary undertaking. I sure as hell did want to actually admit to myself "Hey... I am trans!". About two years after that insight I was with my therapist and spoke the words "I am a transsexual". I spoke them, I heard them, I felt them! It was an amazing feeling. About 3 months after that was when I started presenting part-time and going out in the real world as the real me.