Saturday morning was my fourth therapy session.  Before I left I admitted to my love, that I was attending therapy and I wasn't ready to talk about it yet.  I changed in the garage and did my makeup on the way.  After my session I went and got my ears pierced.  Then stopped and changed back into my male clothes, and cleaned my makeup off as best I could.  When I got home, she mentioned the ear studs, and then asked about the eye makeup.  "Do you have mascara on??"  I replied no...  it's eyeliner.  The she demanded what's going on.  So I told her that I love her, but there's something I've been struggling with and I need to deal with it, I'm transgender and I need to transition and live as a woman. 

Well, I as expecting anger, and I got tears and lots of questions.  I guess we're getting a legal separation.  I didn't want to end our marriage, but realized it probably would.  Either way I'm relieved, I didn't want to lie, but only just became honest with myself. How was I going to be honest with her?  She's emphatic, she refuses to sleep with a woman, that I betrayed our vows by desiring to transition, and how would I like it if she were to become a man?  I said, I didn't know, it'd be difficult, but I'd try to make it work. 

I'm saddened that we're at 21.5 years, but not surprised.  Some times she seems supportive, other times... I don't know.  Still I'm also relieved it's finally out. 

My next big reveal will be at work.  I hope I can get it started through the HR department before my Trans-i-ness starts to leak out.  Wish me luck.

-Alana

Hugs, Alana. It's usually never easy to tell a spouse or long time partners, especially if we have kept that side of us hidden for so long. While its a long shot you should keep in mind that the first reaction can moderate once the shock wears off, etc. sometimes it gets better, other times not so much. But there's always a chance she will come around if the two of you can work something out. I totally get that she doesn't want to sleep with a woman, it's hard for someone to change their sexual orientation no matter how much they might love us. That doesn't mean you can't remain friends. Good luck.

Thank you for sharing your story, Alana. 

Thank you Ms Grace.  She's know that I had this side of me, that I've struggled to keep it under control.  She could tell I was starting to crack, I'd make comments about wearing her glasses... I've been growing my hair out, and on occasion styling it in a feminine manor.  She knew this was coming, even if I didn't say it.  I'm planning on this not being the final word, maybe we can leave a mediocre marriage, and build a better friendship, I really hope that's what happens. 

Chi-Girl,
You're welcome. 

-Alana

If I may give you some hope. My wife and I were married a year and a half with a 3 month old when I told her. Within a week, she was leaving for her parents house with our child, and I thought the next time I'd see her was for custody.
She returned the next day, and tried to repair our marriage over the next few weeks, negotiating back and forth with different options for almost three months.
Today, we are very happy, I will be doing a social transition next march, and we are planning to have a second child. Our future isn't certain, but it's looking good.
Hope this helps a bit.

Alana, hugs for you!

Give her some time. Her initial answer may not be her final one.

Quote from: ImagineKate on January 13, 2015, 04:59:05 AM
Give her some time. Her initial answer may not be her final one.

This is very true - give her plenty of space and time to process her feelings and emotions; you can't really tell anything from her original reaction. Some couples can successfully navigate this, and others cannot. As Ms. Grace pointed out you can't change who a person is attracted to and that may well be the case for your wife - it sure was for mine. My ex is attracted to men and was no longer attracted to the woman she happened to be married to.

You did nothing wrong - you are doing what you need to do to survive. As you said you just became honest with yourself. I also got the what would you do if I transitioned into a man comment from my ex.

There can be life after a marriage fails; my ex and I are pretty friendly now, except for the occasional barbs she throws at me when she's having a bad day

Thank you Chelsea, Kate, and Eva,

I love you ladies and I really appreciate everyone's support.

I know that she won't change her mind on this.  She's known L's since she was a teenager, she's baby sat for L' couples, and she's been hit on by random L's in the park.  On Friday I'm bringing in a bed for her room and she's moving into there, until she has her bed in there I'm not even going to X-dress.  While my fears about our marriage have come true, I'm glad that's it's not been too acrimonious.  Sure there's been the occasional accusation, and her fear she'll be ostracized for her stand on not accepting becoming a L', and she's been crying.  I'll give her time, it's the least I can do. 

I wonder about my lack of emotion at this point.  Is my grief offset by my relief of finally getting on with this?  I know that it'll have to hit me at some point, I will definitely have to discuss this with my therapist. 
Hugs,

-Alana

Quote from: Alana_Jane on January 13, 2015, 10:51:57 AM
I know that she won't change her mind on this. 

You don't know that. However, remember the dynamic of your relationship may change. You may end up being friends or similar.

However, you should still prepare for the worst, and don't necessarily view it as a bad thing. This is what my therapist basically told me. Prepare for the marriage to end if need be. So far it hasn't but my wife told me she hasn't really reached her breaking point yet. But I think at this point we are better prepared if that happens.

Remember one important thing - you have dealt with this for significantly longer than she has. For some of us, it has been "there" all of our lives. She's just finding out about this. She's probably in shock and trying to process it all at once when you've basically had it spread over a longer period.

QuoteI wonder about my lack of emotion at this point.  Is my grief offset by my relief of finally getting on with this?  I know that it'll have to hit me at some point, I will definitely have to discuss this with my therapist. 

Could be self acceptance, accepting the inevitable, or just trying to hide your emotion, or anything. You'll work this out with your therapist and figure it out.

Thanks for your encouragement Kate.  It's my desire that she and I become much closer friends, through this.   

I'll just put it this way, she told me she doesn't want to live in the same house with me, and in this small remote town when my body starts to transform.  She has been with me just over 21 years.  She did know that I have gender identity issues, between my early x-dressing and fascination with gender non-conformists.  As recently as 4 months ago, she told me to leave and become a woman, but she also let me know she wouldn't be sticking around if I did that. 

Tonight before she left, she told me she had researched legal separation.  Neither of us have any desire to marry again, and if it comes up that we do, we can always take the final step.  This will get us financially and legally untangled/decoupled.  She does have a point I need to become my own woman. 

-Alana

Quote from: Alana_Jane on January 13, 2015, 10:51:57 AM
I wonder about my lack of emotion at this point.  Is my grief offset by my relief of finally getting on with this?  I know that it'll have to hit me at some point, I will definitely have to discuss this with my therapist. 

Alana-

It hit me later, very, very hard. I still find myself dealing with little ripples from our split every few days when something random happens that reminds me of the "us" I used to know. While we were separating I was kind of in shock and like you didn't really have emotions about it until it had happened. The day she left was a very, very....... very...... dark...... day for me. I believe you can guess what I am talking about.

You might think building your support system around you now to prepare for that day when she's gone.

Quote from: Eva Marie on January 14, 2015, 12:04:29 AM
Alana-

It hit me later, very, very hard. I still find myself dealing with little ripples from our split every few days when something random happens that reminds me of the "us" I used to know. While we were separating I was kind of in shock and like you didn't really have emotions about it until it had happened. The day she left was a very, very....... very...... dark...... day for me. I believe you can guess what I am talking about.

You might think building your support system around you now to prepare for that day when she's gone.

Eve, you poor dear.  Thank you for sharing. 

One of the things I've started attending the only local church I can feel comfortable transitioning in.  It is my hope this journey will reawaken my spiritual side, and I know I will be a better more empathic person. 

I think this is where therapy really will help me cope. 

-Alana

I knew that this could happen, she refuses to be married to a woman.  Yesterday she told me she doesn't want me to use terms of affection, or hold each other.  We talked about it, I'll keep closeted some what, and not dress around her, until May 1st (even though I'm sitting here writing this in a dress.)  She also wants to sell the house before I change my name and gender markers as she's afraid someone will think she's a Lesbian.  My wife still doesn't know I already have a fem name chosen.  I felt it might be TMI at this point.  We've made a deal where I can dress to go to my therapy sessions and undress when I get home, and also dress when she's not here to see me. 

I contacted my baby sis yesterday, I'm getting ready to call her.   I also want to call about electrolysis and schedule for a physical/HRT.  Wish me luck.

-Alana

Luck and hugs.  You are very brave. 

Thank you ChiGirl...

You'll find your courage: when you need it, it will be there.  Hugs back to you too.

The other day I put on my male drag, to go to an awards ceremony.  When I came back, she was crying, so I held her hand.  I want her to know that I'm still here for her even if we have to leave the marriage.  She was telling me how hard it will be for her to see me dressed and just being Alana.  During our discussion, she asked me if I'd like to set a date.  I said sure, but how long would you like.  We arrived at May 1st. 

-Alana

Just a quick update... yesterday I talked to my 2nd level supervisor, who happens to be an open/out gay man.  He was very supportive, and promised to help me with HR contacts.  It was a really good conversation, and I felt very good after it was finished.  Then at the end of the evening, another co-worker and I were alone.  He asked if he could ask a personal question.  My response was he could ask, but I'd reserve the right to answer or not. 

So, he asked if I was becoming interested in men, which I'm not, so I said no.  Then I took a chance, and asked him if he'd keep my confidence I'd tell him what was going on.  So I revealed I'm transgender, and my inner self-concept is that I'm a woman.  We then had a nice conversation about how I feel and what I'm planning, and how I feel responsible for my love, even when she doesn't want to be married to a woman.  He really surprised me by apologizing for a public comment he'd made.  We really had a good talk, and he told me he'd always be my friend, which really means a lot to me. 

I was pretty much riding this good will, that at the end of the day I went to my direct supervisor and  had the talk with him.  While he was supportive, I realized that he was also not as comfortable...  I hope with time this will change.  I realize that as he's the local LDS Bishop complicates things as they're very much into the gender binary and not crossing over or mixing that we have to deal with.  I realize that he has some cultural back ground to over come, which I'm sure he will eventually. 

So, my next stop will be HR some time in the next week, as soon as I get a name of who our diversity coordinator is.  I also have a therapy session tomorrow.  Thank you lady's and gent's for following along.
Hugs to all,

-Alana

Hugs,  Alana!

Thank you Chi-Girl...

We had a break through today.  After getting home from church, she suggested we should both put on lipstick and eye liner.  We did then talked about it and more.  I started to get sleepy so I excused myself and took a nap.  When I woke up, she asked if I might be interested in a tee-shirt that was too small for her.  So I tried it on, of course I had to add my bra and pads, she took these pictures:


I then up-sized to my C-cup forms:


In exchange I gave her my baby-blue Tehachapi Pops (I play with them on occasion) tee-shirt. 

She then offered me her outfits she used for the Society for Creative Anachronism (SCA).  She had a fleur-de-les dress in blue with gold, which needs a white under dress.  I can sew something up for that, then she had replica of princess Berengaria of Navarre, wife of Richard I, Queen of England.  Here are a couple pictures of me in that dress:





She's come to terms with this side of me, and is still planning on separating.  That said, I think we'll at least be on good terms.  It's taking her a while, but I think this is the best.  She has often said that even without my TG nature and wanting to be a woman, she didn't see us staying together long term...  Sad but true.  She's had a break through as well, as since I came out as TG, she's been grieving for her man (me).  Today she's seen that when I am in touch with my feminine side I am generally a better person, and understands why I need to do this. 

In the mean time, I took off the lovely dress and am sitting here in my skinny levi's with my ballet flats and a mock turtle neck on. 
Thank you for following along with my journey.

-Alana

Question. 

Have you started HRT and if you are, did you start before telling your spouse?

Hello Danna,

The only thing I've started at this point is therapy.  My first Endocrinologist appointment will be in a few weeks.  At this point I'm pre everything. 

-Alana