Does anybody else feel guilt for being trans*?

I think mine stems partly from not wanting to be associated with masculinity and men who hurt people, despite being a man myself (I know objectively, there are lovely men out there), that I am scared too that I'll become like them if I take T...

But then I feel guilt for feeling guilt because I'd never feel bad about another person transitioning and would be supportive and know a couple of lovely transguys...

And guilt about family... Like my brother's partner told me my brother was confused as I kept changing identity (I haven't, I came out as genderqueer a few years ago and now, FtM) and guilt as I've put my Mum through a lot already with mental health... I kind of feel like I'll be messing people about, or confusing them, though really I guess I'll be true to myself and the ones who still like me are the ones that count.

Does anybody else get guilt and how do you deal with it?

I totally get the guilt about the family.  Guilt is why I had an aborted transition attempt 20 years ago.  I couldn't lose my parents.  Now I'm married and I feel guilty how this will affect them.  For years I suffered because I didn't want to hurt them.  Now I realize my suffering was hurting them.

I got some great advice in the "Am I Selfish" thread.  And you're right.  You need to be true to yourself and there's nothing to feel guilty about for wanting to be happy with who you are.

Trans, Shame, and Guilt, my three oldest friends

After much discussion with a person of letters, in my case the primary force is Shame. Shame is "I am Bad", vs Guilt which is "I did something Bad".

I still harbor a lot of Shame. Far far less then I had before starting this Excellent Adventure. About the only Guilt I have is the effect of my actions are having on my wife. She is supportive. Wants to see me happy. Does not want to see be dead. But, she did not marry a woman (sort of)

I think a lot of cultures have a tradition of spreading guilt among their members. It's a way of control in some religions and in some families. So we become accustomed to it, we normalize it, and become desensitized to how destructive it is.

Whenever guilt comes up, I ask myself, "whom am I hurting?" It seems to help to focus on the fact that I'm still a good person who is there for the people in my life and who contributes positively to my world, which is really what matters, right?

So far I have not felt anything that I would call guilt. I don't feel like I'm harming anyone, and nobody I've shared this with has felt hurt by it. Maybe I have an inkling that my kids will have some difficulties in the future, but even that is more of an apprehension.

Shame? Now you're talking. Not a ton of it, and much less now, but the reason I am starting my transition now instead of 25 years ago boils down to my feeling too ashamed to believe I could tell anyone what I really wanted.

Hi Peacebone,

I know T was the wrong hormone in my body and it caused me to  be hyper-alert and aggressive. I did not physically hurt other people but if I felt a lot of rage, very often for a minor issues. I know at work they comment often about how I have changed and they never want the old me back. They say whatever I am doing just keep doing it. Being on E is like a constant vacation. I have no stress I feel so good. So perhaps T for you will work the same way. I really don't know.

Guilt, yes I have a lot of guilt. I feel like I did something wrong being trans ( I know I did nothing wrong but I get it is a choice thrown at me). I hid who I am to my wife and I am guilty of lying to her and my daughter. At some point I need to forgive myself for the lies and be honest, even if they will not forgive me and support me.

Shame, I emotionally hurt the ones I love. Also, I feel people are judging me for being myself.

Being a well adjusted tans-woman is my goal. I know I need to deal (and I am) with my guilt shame and a lot of it is my issue not others.

Why should we feel guilt or shame for being who we are? Because in my experience we are made to feel that way by people who think they know our bodies better than we do. People who impose their value's and beliefs on us which are contradictory for us. People who shun or hurt us for not following the rest of the sheeple. No, we have nothing to feel guilty or shameful of, they do for imposing on us how they think our lives should be. I personally do not have any shame or guilt for being me.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 18, 2015, 09:32:44 PM
Why should we feel guilt or shame for being who we are?

You are absolutely right: we shouldn't. Unfortunately, backwards and hateful attitudes are so prevalent (at least in the places i have lived) that it is hard to shake that feeling. When I was kid in school, before you even knew what it meant, you knew that "gay" (or any of a range of other terms which I won't catalog) was "bad." It's totally false, but it can be hard to shake that unfortunate ingrained lesson.

For me, by middle school at the latest, I had shaken it enough that I "knew" that there was nothing wrong or shameful about it. By college, probably a third of my friends were LGB and I knew a few T, and was completely supportive. But for ME, that childhood reaction still applied. As much as I knew who I was, it was just impossible because I could never bear to tell anyone. I didn't exactly feel shame, but I felt like I would if I tried to act on my feelings.

Guilt and shame are things I struggle with daily.  Some of it is the FtM thing, realizing that my essential gender identity is male, yet really hating a lot of the social baggage that goes along with that. I honestly think that if I'd been assigned male at birth, I think I'd still dislike the social construction of masculinity and feel some guilt over male privilege.  My answer to that guilt is that I will be much more effective at fighting for gender equality, if I'm expressign a gender that feels true to my self.   

I also feel a lot of guilt over family stuff.  I'm married with two kids, and have been repressing my gender dysphoria successfully for years.  The guilt over not having come to terms with this and dealt with it earlier, before so many other people were involved, is sometimes overwhelming.  The answer I've found to that one is to recognize that I simply couldn't have done things any differently.  I couldn't have been truly female, I couldn't have pretended forever, and I was not in a place I could have dealt with it before now.  However much I may want to have come to terms with this earlier, when I actually think about how that would actually have worked-- it's not pretty at all.  In the end, I did what I had to do to survive, just like we all do.  And nobody ought to feel guilty for that.

I certainly don't feel guilt, my family is my wife and I told her I was TG before we married and she tolerated my cross dressing, when I went FT she was so pleased with my change in attitude to life that she had regret that I did not change earlier.

I realised I was never her husband, I was a drunk who lived with her.

Shame? Interesting, only once, after I went FT one of my staff, who is also one of my PhD students took me to task. She said, 'You should be ashamed of yourself! You have always taught us to be the best we can be, to have ambition and take on the world, yet you have been living a lie. I'm ashamed of you for not being true to yourself.' Then she gave me a kiss.

Can't say I have felt guilt - I am who I am, can't do anything about it.

Shame though, have felt that. Being in the wrong body will do that.

I came out to my Mum yesterday... She said she was proud of me and loved me and would always support me.

Quote from: Peacebone on January 19, 2015, 01:51:54 AM
I came out to my Mum yesterday... She said she was proud of me and loved me and would always support me.

Lovely

She is justifiably proud to love such a lovely daughter

Quote from: Cindy on January 19, 2015, 12:53:01 AM
I realised I was never her husband, I was a drunk who lived with her.

Holy effing s, Batman!  I think we're the same person. 

Actually, I love drinking with my wife.  She's so much fun to be with when we do that, but OMG I do not miss those dark days when I got drunk alone.

I feel guilty about my parents, their reaction isn't so great. I also felt/feel guilty about the name change. They're continuing to call me by my birth name, but I feel guilty for wanting to throw away the name they put thought into giving me when I was born.

I feel guilty about putting my parents through another difficult situation, I've already had some hard times with mental health. But the thing I feel most guilty about is how much I cost them with the T and in time surgery. They wouldn't want me to pay for myself, even if I had an income, I know that but it still feels like I'm being a burden on them...

I don't feel guilty about being this way.  Maybe the one thing I SHOULD feel, I don't.  Ashamed, scared, resentful, I got all those.  But guilt?  Not so much.

Fear's the big motivator, right now.  Fear of losing what little I have.  Fear of being alone with nowhere to go and no one to depend on.

Why should I feel guilty about wanting to be healthy?  Shouldn't I WANT to live?  I don't get that.  But fear is what keeps me sick.  So really, what do I know?

AT this point, I may not even know what guilt is anymore because I'm so damn afraid of everything.

I think  everyone,  at  times  in  their  life  and  transition,  has  some  of  these  feelings  of  guilt,  shame,  etc.  I  know  I  do. 
  so  many  of  the choices  we  make,  are  selfish  and  self  centered.  but  it  has  to  be  that  way.    but  even  down  to  a  simple  selfish  choice,  like  taking  the  last  cookie,  may  result  in  that  momentary  guilt  feeling. 
  in  my  transition,  i  lost  2 wives.  the  first  was  bitter,  and  my  goodness  did  those  feelings  just  flood  in.    the  second  one,  was  very  amacable,  with  her  supporting  my  choices,  and  encouraging  me  to  follow  my  heart.    yep,  still  had  the  feelings,  but  in time,  they  pass  and  i  realised  the  choices  were  right. 
i  think  of  those  feelings  in life  as  a safety  check,    that  little  voice  that  makes  us  question  our  actions,  and  giving  us  a  chance  to  think  it  through.  our conchince,  if  you  will. 

I use to feel guilty and think about how me being trans would effect my family. After growing older and maybe a little bit wiser. I relised I for me to truly be happy I had to do somethings for me, and not live my life for others all the time

My guilt was initially about feeling weird and uncomfortable and curious about things which I had been socialized or trained not to think about. I couldn't pinpoint it to my gender, but it was a more general sort of guilt about feeling one way inside and being something else on the outside.
Now that I have realized it is due to my gender identity, I do not feel the same guilt at all. I know I cannot transition right now and so I need to keep pretending for the near future, but somehow this conscious pretense with a specific reason and some sort of a timeline is easier to keep up than the subconscious one that existed before.

About parents, spouses, family, friends etc.. I think beyond a point one needs to weigh their happiness against one's own. I know it can be really difficult if you are dependent on them or they are on you, in which case all you can do is to have a timeline by which you can be independent.