We have been up and down, we have pretended things were ok, we have tried so hard to understand and support each other...yet, the pain never leaves.  I am his/her wife of 24 years and my emotions have been all over the place. I have tried to counsel and help as a friend...mainly because most of the support you get from psychologists are worthless! I tell him the reason we are having it so hard is because we can't accept the fact that changes need to be made for both of us...we just can't seem to let go.  So many years...so many memories...how does one leave?  I can't seem to leave b/c I am so afraid he will kill himself, therefore, I suffer and feel trapped.  How do I tell my son we can't stay because daddy and I are not happy anymore?  I want so much for my husband to be happy...I even suggested him transferring to San Francisco where people are more accepting and he can be happy.  He then asks..."it sounds like you won't be going" and then he cries...he even says stuff like, "I'll just pretend to be your roommate or brother or something and live in a separate room and you can date other guys and stuff, and when you want to be with me you can..."  How conflicting is that?  I am trying so hard to be strong and do the right thing for the both of us...I wish there was a cure....

The most efficacious and proven treatment for those with gender dysphoria is HRT and some level of transitioning.  Clearly that does not solve all the problems for your family.  That you have a family implies that you will remain connected by mutual love and responsibility for your son for the rest of your days.  People get separated and divorced for lots of reasons.  That doesn't make it easier, just common.  Common sense suggests you can work through even the most thorny challenges.  Being able to support each other and your son's best interest may continue to make life better and more dependable as you negotiate your future.   It doesn't really have to be all or nothing does it?

Understanding comes from communication.

Acceptance cones from dropping societies so called rules.

We all deserve happiness.

How to get to this happiness is just as easy as it is hard.

The HOBO movie Normal shows a good example.

Communication. Love, live and laugh.

Hugs

I see the same people responding...like Tessa...thank you for trying to help.  No, it doesn't have to be all or nothing, but how do you tell a fish he can't be bird, ever?  His/Her pain is with us everyday...  I can be a rock...I can try to help...I want so much for him/her to be happy.  I have made so many suggestions and so many ideas to help us both..yet he/she wants to keep repeating the same thing over and over.  It's like he/she wants t stay sad and hopeless...  Today he/she is going to get a physical...so he/she can find out why he/she is like this...  This is my husbands decision, not mine...  Doesn't anyone have a story of an abusive upbringing and how it all started and why they think it happened this way and how they are dealing with all this?  I want so much for him/her to be happy and live where they want too so they can have a good life even if its without me...but that seems impossible.  He wants to stay attached to me like glue...what or Lord do I do?  I am the lost lady...

I would gladly correspond more directly but please do understand that your spouse is involved with a process that can be very intense and obviously consumes a huge amount of your personal and family bandwidth.  It can take a while till brighter days are in hand but we do see that happening here.  There are many personal accounts here of our early years and speculation about the origins of being transgender.  And then does it matter where this came from?  We can be rather sure these feelings don't disappear and for many are progressive till they are simply unavoidable.

In a chaotic sea with treacherous shoals it does not surprise me that your partner is holding fast to a solid connection like that she has with you?

You do succinctly describe a conundrum many will always wrestle with.  No matter the perfection of our presentation, passibility, and self confidence we know our birth featured another "assigned" gender.  We also know that there is a scientific basis for considering female and male brains to be different.  If we have that female brain in a male looking body an intrinsic female identified person will likely result.  We are not just wishing for this, in fact many of us have wished this would go away.  It is not the same as being a different species and example of other transgender animals in nature also exists.  You seem a very compassionate and even selfless partner and this takes time without necessarily coming to conclusions. 

We have many times more people that cruise through these pages seeking info or?  Most do not leave a post but many can learn from what we share here.  Thank you for helping us understand more about the turmoil you and so many significant others feel.

Dear Lost Lady,

I can not begin to tell you how sorry I am.  I have and always will love you with my entire soul.  This is why I cry almost every time we talk...I saw the day you would tell me you were leaving, like a horrid premonition of death you can't alter or avoid no matter what you do.  I am so afraid to lose you, it's like ripping a vital part of who I am off and then expecting me to live.....I hurt so much right now.  All I can think about is last night...when you told me you lost me and now have to leave.  You telling me you wanted to have a funeral service for the old me...broke something inside of me.

Remember this last weekend?  Couldn't you feel the love I had for you?  Why can't that be our life together?  I know you can no longer accept me, but as I have said many many times...I am still me.  No one can tell me why I am the way I am, there is no cure for who I am.  No matter what I say, you have insisted on putting transition on one side and you on the other.  It is very much like being given a choice between keeping your heart or lungs.

When you threw out my clothes and shoes, when you became violent toward me...I knew it was just done out of frustration and it did not change the love I had for you.  I feel so guilty and ashamed...responsible for your pain and the feelings you have now.  The way you reacted when you saw me dressed was proof enough that you could never accept me.  But, I still hoped...and begged,bargained,pleaded to God to help you learn to accept and love me for who I am.

I never meant to hurt you.  I never tried to deceive you.  I am lost without you.  I know you think I'm a freak...and you are afraid I will embarrass you and our son.  I don't want to be the cause of your pain anymore.  I look at the scars on my arm from cutting, you have seen them,...they are a very pale reflection of the pain inside of me.  I can't keep feeling this way...it is too much for anyone to bare.  You have told me in the past you could accept me being transgender....as long as I looked and acted like a man.  Doing that very thing is what was killing me.  You know that, you saw me and what I was going through day after day for years.

You came down stairs a short while ago and found me crying....this is what I was working on.  I thought for sure I could come up with something that would make you want to keep me....even if you locked me in a closet.  I can't think of a thing I haven't already said many times over.  If you want me to beg...I will...: please...please...don't leave me.

If you let me...I will care for you and love you the rest of my life.

Dear Bfp2 and Lost Lady,

It feels a bit intrusive to offer advice or support in the middle of your intense exchange but I do hope this public forum can help you know that others have been here before and come out OK.

I am a volunteer at our local women's shelter and also have a long medical/nursing career behind me.  From that perspective it seems critical that you consider dialing back on the violence, self harm and threats.  We want you and your son whole and able to grow as part of a family and community.  No one could possibly doubt the potent depth and strength of your feelings.  And feelings do change.  You will change and people who care about you get that this is a pressure cooker, for now . Take a deep breath, exhale slowly while you imagine a colorful escalator taking you to a place of soothing waters and lush green spaces.  Get outdoors for some vigorous exercise in the light of day.  Help yourself relax and keep seeing the professional councilor please.

There is recent scholarly work on adverse childhood experiences (ACE studies) that correlate with life long health issues.  Please do your best to ensure that your son knows this is not his fault and that you do both care deeply for him and will remain his parents for life.  You are smart people and forgive me if this seems obvious.   You must also know that the world is changing and that there are more blended and diverse families of all kinds living without stigma or shame.  Hang on!