I've recently been reading a lot about being transgender and watching videos on youtube and searching for resources about crossdressing and many other outlets.

I was assigned male at birth and I've been living my life that way the past 23 years. I came out as gay 4 years ago and I've been relatively happy with my life and finding boys to be with.

For a while now I have found myself attracted to stereotypical girls' clothes such as high heels, dresses, skirts, female cut pants and shirts, crop tops, etc. I am drawn to them in stores and find myself wishing I could easily buy them, wear them, and look good without getting strange looks for the public.

I have a couple pairs of heels I wear around the house every now and then and I recently bought my first outfit online.

I've never been particularly unhappy with my body more than any other typical person like not wanting to be as hairy as I am, wishing I was more toned or had a flatter stomach or a bigger butt or smaller feet. When I try on female clothes however I see how much I really look like a boy/man. I have broad shoulders and hair on my chest and stomach.

I think that I am a handsome male. I can see that the way I'm built is attractive and I'm not unhappy with that. When I get the urge to wear female clothes however (like trying on my mom's dresses) I don't feel attractive. I wish that I was more curvy and flat and smooth like a pretty girl.

I've found myself for the majority of my life trying to fit in with boys. Trying to consciously remind myself to lower my voice, stick out my chest, still be myself but don't be too feminine or flamboyant, especially around straight men.

In my mind, that always corresponded to being gay. When I came out the feelings went down a good bit and I felt more open about who I was but there have been instances here and there where I again feel how I did back before I came out.

Like I stand out among other males, even those who are gay (and not out as drag queens). I went through a phase of painting my nails, trying on eyeliner, constantly trying on female Halloween costumes when I was employed at a party store, buying clothes that could be considered unisex but are actually for girls, and finally getting a pair of heels to feel sexy/beautiful.

I don't mind being a boy and I don't hate my genitals. I've always been a boy and I've always had this body. I've never given much thought to my gender identity and how I express it.

With all this information and research I just have a lot of questions raised about who I am and how I'm feeling. Am I just a crossdresser? Is my femininity something I should just embrace as the male I already am and not compare myself to those around me? Or could I possibly be trans and finding these little outlets to express my inner femininity?

I'm afraid that I'd be an ugly girl and give up being a moderately handsome boy. I'm afraid of every negative reaction I know I'd get from family and newer friends I've made the past year or two. I'm afraid of having to begin a transition or try out crossdressing and looking like a mess and having to do it in public and getting all the stares and questions.

I'm also afraid that I'm just convincing myself with all the new research I've been immersing myself in and just trying to find a new way to get attention by saying that I'm trans that way I can be interesting. I wouldn't want to be the kind of person who looks into this, experiments, gives it thought, tells people, and then finds out later that I made it all up in my head and wasted everyone's time.

I've just been really stressed the past couple days thinking about all of this. I think it's fascinating and I am always open to learning more. Just wanted to finally type it all out to a community that's open and understanding and knowledgeable.

Thanks for reading,
Adum

Be sure to take your time, and not rush to do anything permanent.

You can buy breast forms if you want to see and kinda experience what it'd be like with breasts.

You can get hip pads to give yourself more of a curve, or watch YouTube videos on how to cut foam pads and use nylons to hold them in place (much cheaper, but if done right = win win)

There are several methods of hair removal, such as shaving, waxing, and epilation. (I preferred waxing for the chest, tummy, and back...and for pretty much everything else)

There is a range on the spectrum of transgender called "genderfluid", which is when a person feels more mannish one day, then more girlish the next. Gender kinda slides around with that person.

Stick around, read, ask questions. There are a lot of people here who love helping others (and often by doing so, they help themselves understand)

Giving it all more time and trying new things to see how I really feel about it all is definitely something I'll be looking into. I really appreciate the welcome :]

What you mentioned regarding not being that person who experiments, gives it some thought, tells everyone and then changes their mind is exactly where I'm at right now.

Except that I believe its a form of denial. A perfect example is what happened to me earlier today. I told my ex-wife (we have two children) and she instantly made it about her. She asked me who I had been sleeping with, stated that she didn't know me, didn't feel involved, and today she said she didn't even want me involved in her life anymore and that she didn't want to know me. Mind you we've been trying to work on "us" for a few months now.

It was a perfect example of the reason why ive felt so inhibited and reluctant to tell anyone for as long as I have (almost 20 years, and I'm 29). Its that fear of rejection and loss that has kept me unhappily grounded and unable to move forward. This is something you're going to need to look deeply within yourself for an answer to. No one can tell you if you are or are not trans*.

When you accept who and what you are in regards to gender identity and what you feel most comfortable with you'll be able to move forward regardless of scenarios like the one I provided. It'll still hurt and it'll confuse the mess out of you, but stay strong. Hope this helped.

You could be a crossdresser if it is just that you enjoy wearing clothes that are targeted at women. But if there are days/times where you feel like a girl or feel like you want to embrace your femininity, you might be bigender or genderfluid in some way. Meaning sometimes you're male, sometimes you're female, sometimes you're both but more male, sometimes you're both but more female, etc. If that's the case, on the days when you feel feminine and want to embrace that femininity, you can wear make-up and women's clothes, maybe shave, buy those breast things that you can get, etc. Of course, it can be that you feel feminine but don't want to be female. Like...there are men who enjoy being feminine, but they still identify solely as male. Because to them, it's not their gender, it's just their expression. They express themselves in a way that society views as being 'girly' but they enjoy it so they do it.

It could be any of those things, and no-one but yourself can find the exact answer, but with time and some exploration, you'll figure it out

Hi Adum 

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I feel like I could have written most of that in reverse Adum. Really identify with a lot of what you've said, like putting a lot of the behaviours down to being gay (although it took me long enough to realise that one!) and having to really make an effort to fit in with others of the "same" gender. I'd always worn quite uni-sex clothes then found myself moving to buying men's stuff that was probably quite uni-sex. A few months ago I found myself buying a boxers in a supermarket on a Saturday afternoon. Sure, people could have thought they were for someone else - but it felt like a massive thing to me.

I also had that feeling of "am I just convincing myself" but everything's just make more and more sense as I've looked into it further. My moment of realisation came at the end of July last year so I've spent a good six months now questioning my thinking and I'm more sure than ever. The more I talk and post about it, my doubts just go.

Allow yourself time to question and think. There's no rush - just go at your own pace.

Seek out the services of a therapist preferably with gender experience. You are conflicted and in need of professional counseling to see which path is yours to walk. One thing did bother me when you said being trans would bring you attention. Being trans does, but in most cases NOT good attention. Most trans people just want to live with as little notice as possible. You could offend some by saying things like you may be doing it to attract attention. This is a complex problem that we simply cannot help with other than to direct you to professional assistance. Good luck!

I wholeheartedly appreciate all the responses I've received. I apologize for my phrasing with the "attention" bit. I most definitely do not intend to offend anyone and perhaps better phrasing could have been used there.

Looking into counseling could of course be helpful and I will be looking into that. Currently, I've just been experimenting with makeup and how it makes me look and feel, including wearing foundation at work (even though you can't really see it much) and leggings under my pants. It's small things for now but it's interesting.

I also try to speak in a higher, more stereotypically feminine voice when I'm at home alone sometimes.

So far what bothers me most is that I want to wear female clothes but when I do my body feels wrong in them because I look so much like a boy and I look good/right in male clothes but I wish for more I guess.

I told one friend that I thought I might have questions about my gender/be trans and they said they'd always be supportive of me and there for me. That was nice. My significant other hasn't minded at all that I've been experimenting with makeup or leggings and that has also been nice. Actually gotten compliments on my makeup which made me smile a bunch.

I bought a book called "My Gender Workbook" and it has some fun little interactive bits as well as a lot about gender and being trans so I've started to read that.

Overall, it's the beginning of a probably long, very twisty journey through gender exploration.

If you really want to learn read this. It is the world accepted diagnosis and treatment care plan.


https://www.susans.org/wiki/Standards_of_Care_for_Gender_Identity_Disorders