Okay so I know I'm not out to everyone. And because of this I try not to be mad about when people misgender me. But sometimes it's just so annoying and not needed and it makes me just want to smack someone. Like yesterday when I had this conversation while me and a friend were walking around college and people kept saying hi to me.

Friend: Wow. Everyone knows you.
Me: Yeah, I'm like the king of the school.
Friend: You mean queen. You're the queen of the school. Because you have a vagina and boobs.

SERIOUSLY? We were totally joking around with tons of sarcasm and they had to go and ruin the moment for me? WHY?

It's just so annoying. If I ever accidentally said what they perceived to be the wrong word no one would feel the need to correct me with such disdain in their voice. But because I said "king" all bets are off. WTF?

For some reason, many cis people have the need to talk us out of our "delusion".

This is a tough one. I can't think of a way to correct someone without outing yourself. I pretty much avoided saying stuff like that until I was out.

Yeah I usually try to avoid saying stuff like that, but it just kinda slipped out.

I know the feeling. In Danish we have a male/neutral and female version of the word 'friend'. I was talking to a friend of mine about a female friend whom I got in a fight with. I said something like "but we're friends again" (male/neutral version) and she corrected me saying the female version. I just said "no." and then the conversation was over lol.

I hate when people feel like they have to correct me. Like, you know what I mean, so does it really matter? ?!?

You can try to educate someone without outing yourself. I dont intend on being out as trans as I dont want to be treated differently because of it which happens. You can come across as an educated ally without implicating yourself as being trans. Nothing wrong with it obviously and Im not ashamed to be trans, Im ashamed of cis people's perceptions of it

Like this is a perfect example of ignorance. Vagina + breasts = female. That is cis people's level of understanding. Seriously if you ask a cis person how they know their gender the typical answer you'll get is 'cause I have a penis' and thats it. They really dont get it and associate one body part with gender. For a start they cant tell the difference between gender and sex. That aside though it doesnt even just apply to trans people. There are cis people born without a vagina or a uterus, by that definition they're not women? Seriously they can really start to trip over themselves spluttering their poor attempts at why you must be that gender despite things like that. Then its like see its not that simple is it. They just need educating as their understanding of it is wrong or poor at best. Dont need to out yourself over it either. Just make them think a bit about what they're saying and their thought processes behind it

Yeah, I'm not out to most people either. And usually I just won't bother telling people what my pronouns are unless they ask. For various reasons, mainly because in my case I'm not sure I'll ever transition so I don't wanna start asking people to call me one thing and then have to explicitly revert to something I don't even like hearing. So I just let it go and hope that at some point they'll catch on..

The most annoying thing I've found though, is when someone knows I identify as trans (whether they've explicitly asked, we've talked about transition, or they've just expressed that they're aware of my "identity issues") and still uses explicitly female-gendered words when talking to me or referring to me. I don't say anything though, but it's really annoying. I figure it's a slip of the tongue or something. But I'm not going to go around outing myself to people (and definitely not several times) unless I know where I'm headed.

Good point Jigsaw. I might use that next time.

Many don't intentionally misgender or say things to bother you. They are doing what they have been taught all their lives by rote. Until and unless you are ready to consistantly bring it to their attention, it will happen and not because they are trying to hurt you.

Try to help them understand, but don't let yourself get walked all over. You let somebody misgender you once, they'll do it again and again.

You call them out on it and explain that it's hurtful, you might get an apology and an excuse that this is as much a transition for you as for everyone else. They might get defensive. It's whatever - they can feel however they want to about you standing up for yourself; you wouldn't have had to if they were a decent person from the start.

Quote from: AbeLane on February 05, 2015, 08:49:54 AM
Okay so I know I'm not out to everyone. And because of this I try not to be mad about when people misgender me.

If they don't know they don't know. In a cis normative society people will play the gender police without even thinking about it. Once I had made up my mind to transition but was still not out to the majority of people whenever they used the wrong pronouns I would just quietly correct it in my mind. So "his chair" became "her chair". For the other stuff that would really rub me the wrong way I just tried to have some light hearted retort - like at a counter once when some guy ahead of me in a line said to the person behind the counter "you can help this gentleman first"...although I bristled I just smiled and said "oh, I'm no gentleman, believe me".

QuoteFriend: You mean queen. You're the queen of the school. Because you have a vagina and boobs.

By any standard that's pretty over the top and uncalled for gender policing. Referencing your body parts to make a point is a serious WTF moment. Since they thought they were joking I guess you could always "joke" back "as my subject you will call me 'king' if I darn well tell you to!"

But yeah, like it or not, until you start to tell people you're trans they're going to gender police you, it is the cis normative imperative after all.

Wow, dude ! I admire you for being able to stay calm, facing such a hurting gender policy !

Jigsaw is right, if everybody aware that sex is not the same thing as gender pay attention to educate people around them, world can sloooooowly become a bit more comfortable for trans* people.

Anyway, it's always difficult to stand for yourself, even if you are out (and especially if you are new at being out and not out to everyone). I mean, just this evening I said I-don't-remember-what to my brother (to whom I said I'm agender) using a masculine form of an adjective (in french we make adjectives agree with the subject) and he corrected me. I said "we don't care". Like to say "remember, I'm not okay with gendered things" and he said "yes, we do care". And I gave up. I wish I had the courage to say "it hurts me when you correct me when I use a gender or another. please let me use masculine when I feel like it's appropriate". But I couldn't. It's a long road...