Some of my friends and acquaintances at their 50s or 60s, sometimes say to me that they envy me, not for my beauty or health, but for being able to do what I really want to do. Most of them have maintained successful and exemplar career in various areas. Now they become a kind of leader in their own arena. But, they say that they have studied and worked hard for others, not for themselves. They indeed want to do what they really wanted to do as they grow older. But they say they still can not do. One of high-ranking government officers once said to me that he also wants to have shoulder-length hair like me, but he still can not do. He said that he is afraid that he may regret his lack of courage in his later life.

Sometimes newspaper and magazines here report those stories that a few brave men started travelling around the world by their motorcycle or car, after quitting their job. One of my colleagues (academic professor) used to say that he always wanted to be a rock singer, and he still wants, but can not. Some go to Nepal to climb the pristine high mountains.

A few of my friends call me 'my way' person. My job is very stable and I already got a tenure position, securing a pension enough for my and my wife's later life. I have sustained my kids without any serious problem, albeit, it was not perfect. My family think that I have done everything as a dad and a husband. Then, is it wrong that I start enjoying what I really want to do without harming any person?

Yes. Sometimes some people bla bla that my wearing skirt can be bad for education of my kids or students and jeopardize my careers, and all other those classical and ubiquitous remarks on transgender.

Fortunately those negative remarks have steadily decreased, and nowadays I seldom hear those negative statements. They accept or acknowledge my right to express myself, and at least do not oppose to it explicitly.

barbie~~

Oh. One thing is different. I gave up HRT, as the doctor said that he does not prescribe estrogen and other medicine for those who are married. He said he will do if I visit again with my wife and she agrees.

You may need extreme patience, and it can take longer time for your significant others to gradually understand and accept your new life.

barbie~~

Quote from: Sheila Grace on January 26, 2015, 09:03:53 PM
The question that I get from my wife that really hurts is: "Why didn't you know about this years ago?" It is so hard in the midst of anger, fear, and abandonment issues to try and convey to her that it is something that has evolved over many years to a point that I cannot ignore it. There are only so many ways to say that it is not a choice, it is an imperative. I cannnot not be who I am any longer.

This is probably the toughest thing for any SO to understand.  I get the same question.  The important thing is you understand and once some of anger subsides, you will be able to explain.  She still may refuse to understand, but you are doing your best.  And I know it seems at times like her anger will never subside, it will.  Even my wife's anger, which knows no limits has come down and we've been able to talk and not yell.

Good luck and hugs.  Remember that you are not alone.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 26, 2015, 09:07:53 PM
When people ask me why I did not come out earlier or hide it so long I simply tell them we are programmed by society to KEEP it to ourselves. Finally I hit the level of discomfort where hiding was no longer possible.

I got this same question (why didn't you know?) from my ex along with all of the other typical questions and statements (ie: I married a man!!).

I'd like to expand on what Jessica said.

When I was a kid I didn't know what transgender meant even though I was clearly transgender. How do you become something that you are unaware of? I was raised in the southern U.S. in the 60's and that was the era of 3 TV  channels, leaded gas, no internet, church every Sunday, and very clearly defined social roles for men and women. There was absolutely no information anywhere in my little world to tell me what being transgender meant and no acceptance of anyone that was gender variant. Anyone who came out as trans would have been considered "gay" and would have been spurned by society using religion as the reason. I had a relative that was a gay male and I remember the whispering and the disapproval of the adults that went on about him - it was a shameful thing, a scarlet letter, a family secret to be hidden away from everyone. Looking back now I feel sorry for him given what I know he must have gone through.

It was obvious to me that I must be a guy; after all I had a dingus and I had been raised as a boy - it seemed to be an irrefutable issue. Still, something wasn't right about it.

It took me until I was 42 to begin to piece it together and begin to undo everything I had been taught about myself.

I recently saw a graph in a video that was made by Zinna Jones; it showed the ages when people figured out they were trans. The highest point in the graph was at the age of 42. When did I begin to figure this out? When I was about 42. I asked my therapist about the age of her clients and she told me that she had lots of clients that were my age or older.

So some of us knew at an early age, and some of us didn't begin to figure it out until much later in life because of society or a lack of access to information (or both), and that was my answer to this question that was asked by my ex.

Quote from: MsVal on February 07, 2015, 09:13:44 AM
Shelia, you are doing nothing illegal, nothing that would endanger your family, but it is quite troubling to your wife. I certainly hope a reasonable agreement can be reached, but if it cannot, she should be the one vacating the unbearable situation, not you.
Our dialog changed quite a bit after I said that to my wife, and it may have played a small part in her acceptance and support. (Time, therapists, and talk played a much larger role.)

Best wishes
MsVal

Thanks Val- Boundary setting is part of the process and I am just not used to it in this arena. Fortunately, I do not get lost in the "shame" cycle and am intent on honoring my own integrity. Thanks for the prompting!!!! Blessings, Sheila

Quote from: barbie on February 07, 2015, 10:06:58 AM
Oh. One thing is different. I gave up HRT, as the doctor said that he does not prescribe estrogen and other medicine for those who are married. He said he will do if I visit again with my wife and she agrees.

You may need extreme patience, and it can take longer time for your significant others to gradually understand and accept your new life.

barbie~~

Barbie- Thank you for the simple reminder: PATIENCE! BTW, you are a very pretty woman. Continue what you are doing!!! Blessings, Sheila

Quote from: Eva Marie on February 07, 2015, 12:12:00 PM
I got this same question (why didn't you know?) from my ex along with all of the other typical questions and statements (ie: I married a man!!).

I'd like to expand on what Jessica said.

When I was a kid I didn't know what transgender meant even though I was clearly transgender. How do you become something that you are unaware of? I was raised in the southern U.S. in the 60's and that was the era of 3 TV  channels, leaded gas, no internet, church every Sunday, and very clearly defined social roles for men and women. There was absolutely no information anywhere in my little world to tell me what being transgender meant and no acceptance of anyone that was gender variant. Anyone who came out as trans would have been considered "gay" and would have been spurned by society using religion as the reason. I had a relative that was a gay male and I remember the whispering and the disapproval of the adults that went on about him - it was a shameful thing, a scarlet letter, a family secret to be hidden away from everyone. Looking back now I feel sorry for him given what I know he must have gone through.

It was obvious to me that I must be a guy; after all I had a dingus and I had been raised as a boy - it seemed to be an irrefutable issue. Still, something wasn't right about it.

It took me until I was 42 to begin to piece it together and begin to undo everything I had been taught about myself.

I recently saw a graph in a video that was made by Zinna Jones; it showed the ages when people figured out they were trans. The highest point in the graph was at the age of 42. When did I begin to figure this out? When I was about 42. I asked my therapist about the age of her clients and she told me that she had lots of clients that were my age or older.

So some of us knew at an early age, and some of us didn't begin to figure it out until much later in life because of society or a lack of access to information (or both), and that was my answer to this question that was asked by my ex.

Eva Marie- This is a concise descriptive of my own journey in many ways. However, I went to chemical dependency treatment at 42. It was back in the days when insurance would pay for long treatment. I am thankful everyday for the 6 months I spent there. But, during those months, I was forced to look back on my gender and sexuality issues and simply thought I had a cross-dressing fetish. No one had any clues, and it was not until my retirement that the pieces finally began to come together. The work had been something I used consistently to damp the questions that my thoughts and occasional behavior generated. How many times did I dump my beautiful breast forms and heels in the dumpster and say "never again"? I see the pathway clearly now, and have had lovely guidance from a wonderful krone therapist and from people like you. I empathize with my SO about her confusion, and am being very patient as I continue to frequently describe for her the way that I see the pieces finally falling into place. I recount that as often as she asks, and sense that she is hoping that I will come to some different conclusion. But, I am past the "shame" that was initially generated, and feel that I can save only one life here, and it is mine. I am sorry  that you had to sacrifice your marriage to be who really are, but your courage and example provide the standards that I need to hold before me. I will, like you, do what it takes. Thanks for being in the midst of this. Blessings, Sheila

Quote from: ChiGirl on February 07, 2015, 11:05:14 AM

This is probably the toughest thing for any SO to understand.  I get the same question.  The important thing is you understand and once some of anger subsides, you will be able to explain.  She still may refuse to understand, but you are doing your best.  And I know it seems at times like her anger will never subside, it will.  Even my wife's anger, which knows no limits has come down and we've been able to talk and not yell.

Good luck and hugs.  Remember that you are not alone.

ChiGirl-Thanks for this. It reminds me of a saying I heard lately" "Do your best and forget the rest!!!!" Amen. Blessings and hugs, Sheila

Quote from: Sheila Grace on February 07, 2015, 01:38:18 PM
I empathize with my SO about her confusion,

Hi Sheila,

I'm 27 years married and 52.  My wife knew almost from the start of our relationship, but back then we both thought I could get over it.  Many times I tried.  It wasn't until recently that the medical community realized that you just don't get over gender dysphoria. 

I even went as far as almost submitting paperwork to the Clarke Institute in Toronto back in the late 80s but chickened out.  It was where "transsexuals" in Ontario went in those days to get help.  From what I've heard since, I was lucky because the Psychiatrists running it were very hostile to transgender people at the time and there was absolutely no smooth sailing with that program. 

The thing I'm trying to get at, is even if you did know everything back then, society was no where near as accepting as it is now.  It was a very brave girl who transitioned back then.

The other thing I bring up to my wife is that she has had 27 years of my life on her terms.   I have done all the husband and father duties.  She and the kids have had a pretty good life.  She has known I've struggled with this my entire life, at what point do I deserve a little empathy?

Anway that's just my thoughts, take care,
Paige

I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face. I can barely understand what you must be feeling and going through. Ive had 2 long-term marriages fail, and have only recently begun to understand why - they married an image I presented, and that even I believed in. I don't have any advice to offer, only feelings of heartfelt compassion and some degree of understanding.

Quote from: Paige on February 07, 2015, 02:12:32 PM
Hi Sheila,

I'm 27 years married and 52.  My wife knew almost from the start of our relationship, but back then we both thought I could get over it.  Many times I tried.  It wasn't until recently that the medical community realized that you just don't get over gender dysphoria. 

I even went as far as almost submitting paperwork to the Clarke Institute in Toronto back in the late 80s but chickened out.  It was where "transsexuals" in Ontario went in those days to get help.  From what I've heard since, I was lucky because the Psychiatrists running it were very hostile to transgender people at the time and there was absolutely no smooth sailing with that program. 

The thing I'm trying to get at, is even if you did know everything back then, society was no where near as accepting as it is now.  It was a very brave girl who transitioned back then.

The other thing I bring up to my wife is that she has had 27 years of my life on her terms.   I have done all the husband and father duties.  She and the kids have had a pretty good life.  She has known I've struggled with this my entire life, at what point do I deserve a little empathy?

Anway that's just my thoughts, take care,
Paige

Paige- Thanks for the reminder and the ultimate question: whose life is this, really? You also reminded me of something. I was in medical school in Galveston, TX (UTMB) in the late 70's and it was one of the few places that did "pre-op" evaluations and therapy with transgender women who were just about to go through SRS. I think that they went to Trinidad for the surgery, but had to be cleared by the psych department before they were accepted for it. Thinking about the limited knowledge of the professors and what scant literature was available, like in Toronto "there was no smooth sailing". I do recall that several of the pre-ops were given electroshock treatment because of suicidal depression. I also remember that I nearly went in to psychiatry because I found all of this so stimulating. Little did I know why. But, there were some brave, brave women who went the distance then. I am thankful for their courage, and appreciate you reminding me where we have come from. BTW, there is a documentary by PJ Raval (a friend here in Austin) that details the courageous work of the people in Trinidad, Colo. who fought to establish a beach head where transwomen could go for SRS; the doc is named "Trinidad". Blessings, Sheila