I kind of expect it occasionally from random ignorant gits in public, but I wasn't expecting it from him. We went through how being mis-gendered makes me feel when we started dating, so I'm not sure how to deal with this... I can't stop the water works or think straight at the moment, part of me wants to give him another chance but another part says if that's how he see's me it's never going work

Hugs. Was it deliberate? Was he being nasty or trying to be "funny" or "rational"? If so, time for a new BF. If it was an honest mistake (we all make them, I've even misgendered myself on occasions!) then hopefully you can forgive him and give him another chance.

He said he didn't mean it but it was pretty much in a 'your the first guy I've been with kind of way'

Ah, well that's a whole different category of stupid then. I'd explain to him that even though he didn't mean to hurt you, he has. That you are a woman despite the body you were born into and he needs to get it out of his head that you are or ever were "a guy". If he can't see or accept that then it sounds like you're better off if he goes.

If it were me, and I thought he was otherwise worth it, I'd sit him down and explain things to him. Next time, and he's out. One mistake is an error. Two is a pattern.

If he's not worth it, I'd punch his one-way ticket home and move on.

That's terrible, and completely unacceptable.  I'm sorry you had to experience that.  Hugs

Hmm, if someone had told me that, I doubt there would be anything that could be done to salvage things....I honestly applaud your restraint, something tells me I would do something stupid in the same situation. That being said, I have an MTF girlfriend, so I certainly have an understanding SO when it comes to these issues.

Yeaaahh...You need to have a really stern talking to with him and if you like him enough then give him this one and only second chance, and if this happens again don't let it become a third-times-the-charm situation, and just move on from him.
If he's going to make it a pattern he's just going to cause you heartache, dysphoria and make you remember things you shouldn't have to think about when you've worked hard to give yourself a correct life. He's PRIVILEGED to be allowed to be part of your life.

Quote from: Trillium on February 13, 2015, 04:08:54 PM
He said he didn't mean it but it was pretty much in a 'your the first guy I've been with kind of way'

Ouch! Sorry
Lol I won't say how I would have responded

I've had a really long chat with him and I threw in the 'maybe we're not meant for each other' talk, feeling it was going to end. Things got a bit heated but by the end of it I did really feel he still really wanted us to stay together. So I explained that as my BF he's going to have to be fully supportive in my transitioning.

Thank you all, I really appreciate the support and advice, it's different hearing it from those who really get it, so thankies 'hugs' xx

From what you are describing, it sounds like you had already transitioned when you started dating. Saying that "he has never been with a guy this way" raises a red flag. Its one thing to make a mistake if you were in a relationship prior to he knew what he was saying, but if that isn't true, be careful.

After I transitioned, and to this day, my mother occasionally makes a mistake and calls me "she" or "her". Since I lived away from home the entire time after my transition, its an understandable mistake and my father quickly corrects her.

From personal experience, if there is a problem and he doesn't believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are female, its likely to get worse. My ex made small comments, and I let them slide, thinking it was part of the process she was going through. What I got was seven years of emotional abuse that just kept escalating.

It scary trying to find someone when you are a transgender, but no boyfriend is better than one that doesn't accept your situation or might wind up cheating.

sam1234

Hey sam1234,

Yeah I guess depends which way you look at it, I still say transitioning as I've still so many changes to go through with my second puberty. I talked with my BF before we started the relationship about my dysphoria, so he knew, but apparently I misread him and he mean like he's never had this sort of relationship and he'd only been with a guy once before, ands the only thing different about me from the other girls he's dated is my dangly bits ands also said that I'm actually alot more feminine then any other girl he's been with. So yeah I feel alot better about it now.

Lily xx

I wish you luck. Having someone special in your life is a gift. Especially if it is a forever thing.

Sam1234

Aww well I am really glad it all worked out

You're one lucky gal to have someone like him who accepted you for who you are
Hugs,

April

Found out yesterday my GF really saw me as a guy.. She's now the exGF.. 

Quote from: Trillium on February 14, 2015, 11:34:50 AM
Thank you all, I really appreciate the support and advice, it's different hearing it from those who really get it, so thankies 'hugs' xx

Yay!

Quote from: kelly_aus on February 15, 2015, 10:10:03 PM
Found out yesterday my GF really saw me as a guy.. She's now the exGF.. 

Jeeze, Kelly... so sorry to hear that.

Quote from: kelly_aus on February 15, 2015, 10:10:03 PM
Found out yesterday my GF really saw me as a guy.. She's now the exGF.. 

I'm really sorry to hear that 'hugs' xx

Quote from: kelly_aus on February 15, 2015, 10:10:03 PM
Found out yesterday my GF really saw me as a guy.. She's now the exGF.. 

I'm sorry to hear that you had to deal with that awful stuff. it can be terrible. My ex husband was REALLY transphobic, so I know how that gross conversation can go.

But damn good for you giving her the kick out the door Kelly! She doesn't deserve you. *hugs* if people we're with can't respect us, then they don't get to have the privilege of being with us.

I am sorry that you heard hurtful misgendering words from your partner.

Disclaimer: i am genderfluid & hang out with mostly radical non-normative queer folks. So i can only speak from my own experiences, personally & socially.

Tough to deal with. When a cis/normative person (or person who has always assumed they are cis/normative) dates a trans person for the first time, chances are they will start thinking about gender a lot. They may question their own sexual orientation, question social assumptions around gender, question what "makes" a person a girl or a guy. And well, that means they might say some pretty inappropriate things. They might use misgendering words because more inclusive lingo like "assigned -- at birth," etc, doesn't come naturally to them. They might not realize that their partner isn't necessarily the person with whom they should process their feelings, or expect to answer all of their "trans 101" questions. They might not know quite how to say that which is the truth: "this is a new experience for me."

Sometimes - not every time but happily it really does happen - this process may start with stupid comments, and end with a person becoming an amazing lover, friend, and ally.

Granted, Other times, the hurtful words really are just - well, some people are jerks. None of us has to sacrifice our own well-being to play teacher for someone who won't make a decent effort to learn and to be kind.

How to respond is your choice and whatever you choose, if it's right for you, it's 100% valid.

Hugs to both Trillium & Kelly.

Just an update. I broke up with him yesterday, it's been really tough, up and down each hour, trying to stay positive.

So although we had agreed to be monogamous and had established that we we're a couple, apparently my feelings for him had developed too fast. He said he didn't care for me in the same way and pretty much implied that we were... ('deep breaths') just friends with benefits. I DON'T F*** FRIENDS, takes me long enough to trust a partner in that regard, so ended things with him there.

What hurts most is that I'd gone further with him sexually then I've with anyone else, I feel so exposed  and thinking of it in terms of doing it with a 'friend' doesn't make me feel good and bring back up my doubts about how he see's my gender, as if I'm one of his mates.

I'm trying to stay positive as I really don't want to get into a cycle of depression over this, I have too many past issues with rejection that I've gotten through, I can't let this trigger and fuel that cycle.

I loved having a BF even if he didn't give a ->-bleeped-<- about me, it was nice having someone to feel for and be humble for, it made everyday tasks so much more enjoyable.

He wants to stay friends and I did say OK but having thought about it I don't know if that's a good idea. He was always so defensive with me despite that I would clearly be trying for the productive and positive, I didn't mind just letting things go if it would make him feel good, even as we broke up I didn't challenge him that he had gone back on his word. So I'm worried about staying friends but I don't know if I can just say no and if I could how to put my concerns into words, because honestly I've not made sense of them but I can feel them strong enough.

Loves and 'hugs' you all xx