Hello again all.

My newest question is one that I honestly just now noticed. I was having a conversation with my girlfriend, and things ended up trailing into my gender issues, and my strong desire to be a girl. Normally when I talk about these things, it doesn't phase me past the point of bugging me. I've noticed people saying that after discovering this part of them it began to eat them alive and make them depressed, and now I'm scared that it's starting to happen to me. I didn't notice it at first, but as we talked more and more about how I feel about things, I noticed I was on the verge of crying, and it took all my self control to hold that back. It was even almost making my voice break into that strange crying/upset tone. I didn't even realize I was getting this upset over it, I've never gotten this upset while simply talking about it. Is this how it goes then? Am I hitting a point where this is going to start eating me up inside?

To be blunt, possibly.  When I finally acknowledged myself as trans, I felt like a weight had been lifted.  But now that I'm not denying my dysphoria, it can really mess me up.  Going to the mall, seeing clothes and GGs can send me into crying fits.  Having a good gender therapist helps you deal with it. 

The key thing is to keep addressing it and figure out what you want and need.  Good luck and hugs!  Remember you are not alone.

Quote from: JynxRosalie on February 17, 2015, 05:15:09 AM
Is this how it goes then? Am I hitting a point where this is going to start eating me up inside?

Well, it isn't inevitable, and we're all different from each other, so just because other people go through that doesn't mean you will. I certainly never got to that point.

But a lot of us find ourselves in a place where our gender consumes us. By that I mean that it's hard to think or talk about anything else. It's our brains telling that this needs to be addressed. I found that as long as I listened to what my gender was telling me and didn't try to ignore or suppress it, I was OK.

The real weight off my chest was dealing with my gender issues, but coming up to that point keeping myself busy with other things wasn't working anymore as a way to avoid dealing with my gender issues. For years I tried that method and it mostly worked except for when it caused enough damage to my body for it to nearly completely shutdown in 2012. Hugs
Mariah

Everyone is different.  You should be ok as long as you have the support of people who care about you, and you can have honest and heartfelt dialogue with them about what is going on with you.  More than simply being honest to others, you need to find the fortitude to be honest with yourself.

What do you want?
What do you expect of yourself?
What do you need to be happy?
How do you see yourself as you were, are and will be?

Determining the degree of gender dysphoria you have seems to me like asking, "how much is this fire beneath me hurting me?"  If you start feeling the burning desire to do something about your GID, don't tarry, find someone you feel safe talking to, and get help with it.  There isn't a DIY manual for being transgender.  You're gonna need IRL people that accept you, and hopefully a psychiatrist/psychologist that can give you professional help and advice when you need it.

  Hugs,
- Katie

I really wish I could start doing things to deal with this, but in my current situation I am very limited on how I can go about this. I do plan on seeking professional help when I can, but for now it seems it's just going to get harder and harder to handle

It could have been from the fact that you were talking to your girlfriend about it. Sometimes, who we talk to determines how we convey what we're saying. I can say the same thing to ten people and it will come out ten different ways, and I'll have ten different thought processes afterwards.

I suppose that does make sense. Maybe it was just that then...

It can happen and it does happen and it can be overwhelming. But it doesn't have to happen. As long as you don't become fixated on things then it will be OK. You may find that counselling helps, or something to focus or distract you in some other way.

When I came out to my friends, it was real simple. "Hey guys, I want to be a woman." Boom. Done. When I came out to my parents, it was a little harder. "So, don't blame this on yourselves, it's got nothing to do with how you raised me, but..."

Coming out to my fiancee was the hardest. "Honey...I know you've probably noticed some weird behaviours lately...I'd like to explain them...and please...keep an open mind..."

I like using action statements more.
"I am transgender.  Which means I've always been uncomfortable as a guy, and now I'm going to stop trying to be a guy anymore.  It's not your fault, it's just who I am and how I feel.  You are very important to me, and I'd like to retain your support/friendship..."
etc.

The more you are definitive and clear with your language, the easier it will be for them to know how to react to your statements.  If you can be calm as well, that helps too.  People react more to your body language and tone than your words anyway.  If you can come out to yourself in the mirror, you can practice having a confident open posture.  Eye-contact is also an important aspect as well.  People are much less likely to argue with you about something you are an expert about.  If you appear confident, they will defer to your judgement a lot of the time.  But they will likely have a lot of questions, be prepared to answer them.

One of the questions I got each time was about my sexual orientation.  If you aren't prepared to be definitive about saying you'll heterosexual (attracted to men), or lesbian, explain that you'll figure it out later, once you are more comfortable in your own skin.

Second was how far I was planning on going.  For your parents I'd suggest not telling all the plans for transition, it can be overwhelming.  But once you are comfortable telling people, you can just tell them as much as you are willing to reveal.  When I told my best friend, I didn't hesitate before telling him I'm planning on going through it all.  But you can usually judge how well the conversation is going by the way the other person is reacting to the lead up to the more complicated questions.  If it is not going well, just tell them you wanted to tell them and then give them time to collect their thoughts so you can discuss it more with them at a later time, then you gtfo.

  Hugs,
- Katie

Ever since choking the truth back as a teen I experienced the dysphoria as just general ill at ease with occasional confused flare ups. But since fully admitting the truth to myself that background weight has lifted but the dysphoria has become harder to handle. But I am taking that as a positive sign, that where I am headed is the right way. Because the only way I'm going to get rid of it once and for all is to be me! When I am alone and fully dressed I feel great, and the couple times I have let the public see have also been great. Today I have to go to work, and play man, probably the rest of the week. So I'm going half dressed. Propper under garments, and I freshly shaved my legs this morning, and I'll be wearing some women's cargo pants that I had worn to work before. I had bought the pants thinking they were men's, though they clearly aren't. I hid them away when my coworkers kept commenting. I just don't effin care anymore. If it is between someone else's confusion and my pain, I am for once in my life gonna choose their confusion.

This girl ain't gonna submit anymore!

There's loads of great advice here, i'd just like to add one point, if you feel like crying whilst talking about any feelings then don't hold back.
Crying is very theraputic, if the tears are there then they need to be set free or it can build up & come out in some very negative ways.
I used to hold back the tears (I didn't cry for years at a time) & it would often come out in violent outbursts, I was never violent to people but objects used to quake in fear, several joypads, 2 rock band guitars, one xbox360 & a 32" tv went to an early grave at the local tip due to me bottling up the tears.

Quote from: Kellam on February 18, 2015, 08:06:18 AM
Ever since choking the truth back as a teen I experienced the dysphoria as just general ill at ease with occasional confused flare ups. But since fully admitting the truth to myself that background weight has lifted but the dysphoria has become harder to handle. But I am taking that as a positive sign, that where I am headed is the right way. Because the only way I'm going to get rid of it once and for all is to be me! When I am alone and fully dressed I feel great, and the couple times I have let the public see have also been great. Today I have to go to work, and play man, probably the rest of the week. So I'm going half dressed. Propper under garments, and I freshly shaved my legs this morning, and I'll be wearing some women's cargo pants that I had worn to work before. I had bought the pants thinking they were men's, though they clearly aren't. I hid them away when my coworkers kept commenting. I just don't effin care anymore. If it is between someone else's confusion and my pain, I am for once in my life gonna choose their confusion.

This girl ain't gonna submit anymore!

I am dressed but I cover under sweaters at work. This is only going to work until the end of Spring, so I'm gonna come out then. Tick tock tick tock time is running out.

But people do notice things, talk among themselves (I hear them) or they come out and ask me stuff... I even play with them a little.

One colleague commented on my hair. My boss's assistant commented on my "skinny jeans" (actually they're women's.)

But I really cannot stand hiding anymore.

The dysphoria has consumed me and even being out and on HRT I just wish I could go full time already.

Jayne is absolutely right, cry your little heart out. When I held it in I'd break my stuff too, I lost a ton of good artwork that way. When I come across something that sets the water works off it tells me this is something real that I need to make peace with. Even when I panic and hyperventilate I can calm myself with the reassurance that truth alone is scary for me, lies just roll off my back.

And I'm right there with you ImagineKate. I've seen the whispers in the past, that's what lets me know no one is gonna ->-bleeped-<- on me now. They didn't then, I just realized what I was doing and panicked. Every time I had myself neatly stuffed in deep denial with no outlet, my subconscious would out me. Those pants I mentioned were the last time that happened and I couldn't bring myself to throw them out afterwards, just hid them. I bought them from a thrift store and the transwoman on the register surreptitiously gave them to me free of charge. My Mom suggested they might be women's too. I just wouldn't accept it, they looked so good on me and felt so right! I had to look the brand up on the web before I accepted what had occurred.

Okay, I'm rambling way off topic and I didn't even have to stay at work...back home and happy. Sorry...

It's nice to see ways that everyone has come to deal with these things. Personally, the last time I had money, I was going to go buy myself some women's undergarments to wear around my room...but I let my fears of other people noticing what I was doing direct me all around the store until I just left. I do plan to come out to my family but...I don't want to do it while I live with them. Having Asperger's has already made things hard enough, I don't need more weight and complications added to that. I just talk to my online friends about these things, and they're pretty understanding. They were all shocked, of course, because I don't act or sound like a guy, but they were fine with it and that makes me feel a little better. I just feel trapped by my current situation, which honestly I have for a while because I NEED my own place but can't work. Accepting this part of me is only making things harder.