So, it has litteraly been about a week since I breached the surface and finally accepted myself. Since then I have found it realy hard to hold back my femininity. And I'm starting to just not care if someone thinks me odd. I'm Not even close to passing. I used to hate my hair and face so much (I have curly hair and a baby face) and wanted to hide them both because I thought people would see me and realize I wasn't a man. So I shaved my head and face with a buzz clipper once a month or so and was always stubbly. And when I started going bald I reveled in it in a slef destructive way. I kinda knew I was working toward this point in my life so the first thing I did was stop shaving my head and my hair has now grown out about half an inch, a wide headband can cover much of the baldness. Luckily I'm a hat person too, I'm looking into hair restoration too. I read that hrt at least stops the balding and am trying not to get excited about the claims of it regrowing some hair. I also shave with a razor for the first time since my 20's. I have been letting things slip too. Like not covering up when I dart out for something and not rushing to pull the blinds at night. I have started sifting apropriate clothes into my daily wardrobe too as well as calmly browsing the make up isle without panic. That's how I got my headbands, I actually purchased them in person. Though I used some advice I found here about pretending to be a boyfriend picking things out for his girl. Went in with a shopping list on Valentines and acted all hunter like. But that eased things for the next visit.
What I am realy talking about though is my mannerisms, vocab, body language and general emotive responses. I used to have to think before I did anything "is this girly? How do I do it manly?" Now with self acceptance that thought isn't there and my reactions are immediate. I just swished all over greater Boston this morning. I'm Beginning to realize that I don't need to study femininity because it is a part of me. It is inherent to my nature. Its just that I know I shouldn't jump in the deep end yet but I'm the kind of person who doesn't like messing around in the shallows. Once I'm in, I'm all in. How do I moderate myself and exercise restraint? I'm months out from decent looking hair, a couple weeks from my first therapy appointment and who know how long 'till hormones. Is it foolhardy for me to just do as I please?
Also, the best part of my day today was listening to the Lunachicks "Mr. Lady" on repeat. I had heard the song a year or so ago and it gave me an anxiety attack. Now it is my favorite song! Loved learning that the lead singer is trans. I have it in a playlist to help me work on my voice. As I rode to work on my bicycle I sang along. When
I left work, I kept it up. I'm Sure I looked thuroughly masculine in my snow gear but singing "I'm a woman just awaking!" As I worked my way through traffic. I don't think that was wrong to do. But I still can't shake the feeling that I am moving to quickly or doing things in the wrong order or being disrepectful. That old creature, self doubt is such a nuisance!
I don't know...no body needs to read this, if you did, thanks or sorry I guess. It just feels so good to get to shsre anything in public, whether anyone cares or not.