So, it has litteraly been about a week since I breached the surface and finally accepted myself. Since then I have found it realy hard to hold back my femininity. And I'm starting to just not care if someone thinks me odd. I'm Not even close to passing. I used to hate my hair and face so much (I have curly hair and a baby face) and wanted to hide them both because I thought people would see me and realize I wasn't a man. So I shaved my head and face with a buzz clipper once a month or so and was always stubbly. And when I started going bald I reveled in it in a slef destructive way. I kinda knew I was working toward this point in my life so the first thing I did was stop shaving my head and my hair has now grown out about half an inch, a wide headband can cover much of the baldness. Luckily I'm a hat person too, I'm looking into hair restoration too. I read that hrt at least stops the balding and am trying not to get excited about the claims of it regrowing some hair. I also shave with a razor for the first time since my 20's. I have been letting things slip too. Like not covering up when I dart out for something and not rushing to pull the blinds at night. I have started sifting apropriate clothes into my daily wardrobe too as well as calmly browsing the make up isle without panic. That's how I got my headbands, I actually purchased them in person. Though I used some advice I found here about pretending to be a boyfriend picking things out for his girl. Went in with a shopping list on Valentines and acted all hunter like. But that eased things for the next visit.

What I am realy talking about though is my mannerisms, vocab, body language and general emotive responses. I used to have to think before I did anything "is this girly? How do I do it manly?" Now with self acceptance that thought isn't there and my reactions are immediate. I just swished all over greater Boston this morning. I'm Beginning to realize that I don't need to study femininity because it is a part of me. It is inherent to my nature. Its just that I know I shouldn't jump in the deep end yet but I'm the kind of person who doesn't like messing around in the shallows. Once I'm in, I'm all in. How do I moderate myself and exercise restraint? I'm months out from decent looking hair, a couple weeks from my first therapy appointment and who know how long 'till hormones. Is it foolhardy for me to just do as I please?

Also, the best part of my day today was listening to the Lunachicks "Mr. Lady" on repeat. I had heard the song a year or so ago and it gave me an anxiety attack. Now it is my favorite song! Loved learning that the lead singer is trans. I have it in a playlist to help me work on my voice. As I rode to work on my bicycle I sang along. When
I left work, I kept it up. I'm Sure I looked thuroughly masculine in my snow gear but singing "I'm a woman just awaking!" As I worked my way through traffic.  I don't think that was wrong to do. But I still can't shake the feeling that I am moving to quickly or doing things in the wrong order or being disrepectful. That old creature, self doubt is such a nuisance!

I don't know...no body needs to read this, if you did, thanks or sorry I guess. It just feels so good to get to shsre anything in public, whether anyone cares or not.

That awakening is something else, ain't it.  Grats on the feeling of freedom it brings. I'm glad you can sing.  I , personally, just croak along to the music in shame.

Thanks, and yeah, it is exhilarating! I never claimed I could sing I just do! Especially on my bike, it gives pedestrians crossing the street some prior warning. My play list is full of lady screamers, shouters and growlers. I think the music I like tends to have vocalists as frontpersons instead of singers. Think X-ray Specs, Bikini Kill, L7 and 7 Year Bitch. I've always looked up to strong, assertive women who break the mold a bit.

It's certainly a good idea to study the mannerisms of other women, especially those in your age group. See how they talk, walk and interact with other people - women, with women, women with men, women in groups, women by themselves, etc. There are subtle and sometimes not so subtle body language cues and behaviours in every circumstance. I found casually checking out people in cafes and malls and the street was invaluable.

That' such a great iidea. I'm a people watcher anyway. Thank you. I'm lucky too to have a few close female friends. Three of whom are among the small group of close friends that I will probably come out to first. After my family.

Well, you have great taste in music 

Congrats on the acceptance of who you really are. It's most definitely the hardest part. I see only good things in your future from here on out.

Quote from: DeanJulian on February 18, 2015, 06:01:43 PM
Well, you have great taste in music 

Thanks, one music nerd to another. And just to be clear, my voice is awful. It's very deep, often gargly or hoarse. Years of chain smoking, hard alcohol and noise punk thrashed it. It was intentional self harm in a way. I'm A low baritone.  I sing at speaking volume too, not super loud. it could get better.

And thank you sabrina for your words of encouragement, that means a lot!

Quote from: Kellam on February 19, 2015, 02:09:03 AM
I'm A low baritone.

So am I, if I really want to be and can cope with about a week's worth of dysphoria.  I'm also a good mezzo-soprano and a reasonable soprano.  The point being, really, that once you have worked out how to train your voice to do one thing it is much easier to train it to do another, should you so desire.

Like some others before me have said, congratulations on the self-acceptance, that really is the hardest bit, even if it doesn't seem so at the time.  'Cause walking around properly dolled up with not a hope in hell of passing is so much more difficult, yeah?  Nope.  If you've got the former out the way the latter is easy, scary as whatnot but easier.

And, depending on your aims, Ms Grace is absolutely bang on.  If you find that you want to  blend in and become just another woman on the street then get into observing other women and how they move and interact.

Rosie

Congratulations on acceptance. That is a very difficult thing to overcome but the feeling afterwards is amazing. 

You may want to see your Doctor and inquire about finasteride to stop the hair loss. Also, minoxidil twice a day helps to reduce any remaining DHT on the skin.

Look to incorporate 1 thing at a time. It can be per day or week or month.

oh, and we care

really enjoyed reading this story!! i did all this first week of january. i think i slept like 5 hours total haha!! so awesome you go girl!!

That's realy sweet of all of you, it means a lot. I kinda crashed yesterday. Like alexbb said I hadn't been sleeping. I think I dozed for most of the day. I will try to watch women more in real life but I have been watching nothing but female performers for the past week or so. The parts of popular culture that  I felt I had to deny myself for fear of adopting anything. Cynthia, thanks for the advice! I'll look in to that. But right now, baby steps. I was feeling way too exited. I get like that, and it realy helps to have people calm me down and y'all did that. The only constructive thing I did yesterday was start a diary, it felt realy good. And as if to assure me that everything was ok, when I got up this morning there was a package for me. Stuff that I didn't know had shipped. Now I have a thermal and can stop wearing my men's hoodie at home! I got my spring trail running shoes too. My everyday work shoes basically, I'm very outdoorsy. I just got what I normally do but in a women's style. Baby steps right?

I was feeling so exhausted and a little low yesterday. Y'all have made my morning, thank you so much!

dont worry, from now on everything will be fine. when problems arise, dealing with them is so much easier than before. and most of the time is just awesome!
i like how theres no doubt in my mind. like, even if the doubty voices is like, you sure you wanna do this, the rest of me is like, YESSSSS.
btw i told absolutely everyone and im glad i did, no fertively sneaking around in a dress; strut!