Okay, so these last couple of days have been really crazy sort of.  So I'm just wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to counter or accept some of these feelings as I'm struggling to do so right now because I'm scared.

On to the feelings,

So in the end, coming out to my best friend turned out to be the best thing to pretty much ever happen.  We talked about it for a really long time the other night and were just discussing some emotions and stuff like that.  But, in doing so, what I came to the conclusion of is that I'm super scared about transitioning, and yet at the same time, I can't live my old life anymore (sort of understand or?)

Anyways, I came to the conclusion that I sort of have a lot of insecurities about myself and how others will react to me and stuff.  The reason that I've lived this long and hid myself from everyone (well up until a couple years ago) was because I just wanted to try to live an average and regular life.  With this now being out of the picture, I'm a little bit sad and confused as to never being able to live that average or regular life that most people have.  Like, I will always be different from everyone else, and I don't know how I can react positively to that.  I have accepted myself for who I am, and that I will have imperfections just like everyone, but it's saddening that I will always have that little secret or difference from people.

What I came to realise, was that this is a hard concept to grasp, how we live our lives, by people who don't themselves have this problem.  She was really confused for a while, but is understanding more clearly now.  Sure, we can both agree this sucks, but what about my future and everything that comes with transition.  I'm just scared I won't be accepted and be shunned upon and live this lonely treacherous life.  But then on the other hand, I was already living a life much worse in which I hated myself and hated living.  I enjoy the new self that is emerging, but I'm just scared about everything that comes with that new emergence.

Like I said, this is one intense rant.  And I'm confused as heck right now for some reason.  I have an awesome friend who is encouraging me and that I will be friends with forever, but at the same time, I'm like trying to discourage myself.  I don't know why though, that's the thing.  I've had these goals and ambitions set out for so long, and I'm finally working towards it.  It feels awesome, and I have been loving every moment of it, but it's hard as hell though.  I'm scared for my future and everything that's going to come.  I don't forsee anything in the future because of the problems during the present time.

Now that I confused the heck out of myself, I'm going to leave and go to work.  Sorry, but I'm just trying to sort through these emotions and find out why I'm feeling like this.  So I figured maybe someone else has had similar thoughts. 

Hi, Shanetastic, hon,
Fear?  I don't think there are many of us who can say they didn't or still don't have fears. Insecurities are among the fears, too. It was my desire to stay alive that got me as far as I am right now.

Fears? If you had known me in my younger years you would have thought I had a death wish. Let's just put it this way:  there were guys twice my size that wouldn't follow where I went, and I am only a runt, and such is the name they had for me.

I have lived 7 years of my life as a female because I chose to do so and it was the right thing to do.  I have never looked back or reviewed my life except as a reminder as to where I came from and the progress I have made thus far.

I suppose I got lucky and I have a partner and a lady friend on Long Island who is like a sister to me. Outside of another friend just across the mountains, that is all the friends I have in the world.

I still wouldn't trade the last seven years of my life for all the years I lived before, except for my childhood.

Looking back at my childhood it would be easy to see myself as a young girl, there wasn't anything guy about me back then and two of my playmates were girls.

What is it you fear in your future? What are your goals for the future?  What are your insecurities about the future? Your career? Moving from your hometown and cultivating new friends? Those are all possibilities and all I can tell you is to look within and see what the inner self desires to do, and be the best you that you can be.

If you wish you can respond by PM or here, it doesn't matter to me.

Cindy 

Hi, Shanetastic,

IMHO, transitioning is a lot like flying through the sound barrier without benefit of aircraft.  Even if you have everything figured out and all you need is to start making your plans into realities, there is room for doubt.  You might want to discuss your feelings with your therapist.

When I came out to myself there was no stopping me.  I opened-up on March 2, saw a gender therapist on April 4, and started on oral estrogen on July 2, and I ain't never looked back.

I have been rejected and some people have tried to make me feel ill-at-ease but I made sure that they failed because I never let them get past my shell.  I was finally happy with myself and I wouldn't let anyone steal or kill my dream.  Pits on them!

Find out who you truly are inside, embrace that person be they male or female, and be the best one you can be, OK?

I hope that this helps, however little.

Wing Walker

P.S.  Rent a copy of the movie, "Hope Floats."  There is some wonderful wisdom about beginnings in it.

QuoteWhat is it you fear in your future? What are your goals for the future?  What are your insecurities about the future? Your career? Moving from your hometown and cultivating new friends? Those are all possibilities and all I can tell you is to look within and see what the inner self desires to do, and be the best you that you can be.

I really have no idea where my mind is running around right now, it's sort of weird.  My therapist is stupid and uneducated in this and understand me, so I can't talk to her about this because she goes off into some story about herself and how blah blah blah and how it relates because of this.  But anyways, back to my fear. . .

Actually, I don't think it's about fear at all.  I've been over this emotions hundreds and thousands of times, and I thought I really did conquer it, but I guess not.  I really just wish I had an easier life   I'm really just sick of always feeling different and sad.  It just feels like I'll never be able to enjoy certain joys in life that so many people do.  I don't even understand why this thought is recurring.  I had dealt with it so well. . . well sort of, for a while here.

I guess the fact that I was being screamed at and harassed at work for like 20 minutes tonight before the cops showed up has made me realise this even more or something.  (No I'm not presenting even as a female yet, but yet some people were really pissed at me tonight because they thought I ruined their night).  I'm ready to just freaking quit and isolate my little self and just give up.  I'm so over all this freaking drama of life I guess.  I'm just confused and mixed up right now I know, but sorting all this out is hard.

Some days you get chicken and some days you get feathers.

I agree, a new therapist is in order, so start looking.  The last thing you need is someone who is solving their problems during your session.  I'd find someone else right away.

May I suggest that you pick one issue, write it down on paper, then go ahead and write whatever is on your mind, be it sensible or nonsense, on-topic or off-topic.  When you have written all that you can, go back and read it and see what might be on your mind.  In that way the whole sorting-out process might be easier.

I'm not a therapist but I will help if I can, and listen to you.

Wing Walker

Yeah I've been looking for a while for another therapist, I just can't seem to find a good one anywhere.  I have two right now, but they're all utterly worthless I believe at least.

I know that writing helps a lot in sorting things out, I just can't pinpoint what the big deal is right now which is the problem.  I think I have two major concerns really.  The first being that, this is the path I chose and will be on besides my old one which was about to lead to death.  Sorry to make it so dramatic, but it's the truth you know.  The second sort of connects with the first.  Since you can't forsee yourself or your future, I'm afraid that this path may just lead me to destruction as well because of my insecurities and longing to just not deal with this issue.  I know that's a contradicting statement with my first point of course as well, so what am I really trying to say?

Isn't that the question after all   Maybe I'll be able to figure it out.

Hi shanetastic hon.
I am sorry to hear about you being afraid and depressed and feeling weird, Geeee those labels have been stamped on my forehead for 50 years. If anything. I think that life actually got better for me after I started full time. It only took me one week to adjust to the outside world, I think that's an achievement in itself.

I am also aware that there,are inhibitions, insecurities and very much justifiable dangers that we face in our lives, but then everyone is in some danger of one kind or another. I guess that is why some will say that "life is a gamble," or, "that's life on the farm.". I mean a meteorite from outer space doesn't discriminate who it's going to hit. Once where there was a person dressed to the nines holding their umbrella at their side waiting for their bus. Now all that's left is frazzled umbrella and a hole in the concrete, both still smoking. Or was that frozen washroom contents from a passenger aircraft.

What's happening here, practically everyone I have run into tonight are in fear of one thing or another. Funny but it has been a long time since I could say that I feared anything. The way I look at it is that I have chosen my path and certainly have the same desires like anyone else, but it isn't the end of the world if what is in my heart doesn't materialise right away. The only other thing I can suggest to you is to try doing some meditating and touch the inner-self and do not repress whatever feelings you may have. Never be afraid to cry, crying is the bleeding out of the poison within.  Well hun I pray that this post helped, at least put a smile on your face.

If not, "then this message will self destruct in five seconds"

Cindy

I think feeling naked and exposed is part of transitioning. I cant think of anything more exposing than opening yourself up to everybody truly revealing who you are after years of keeping it under cover. Just when they thought they knew you, you take their beliefs and change all that they knew.

This is a step by step process and every move you make will be full of doubts and backsteps. Its like you try to do something then question its motives or logic. Eventually you justify it because GID forces you to accept it and then after a long thought process, you move on to the next step. Some people are able to just barrel on through and others like me have to take little teeny tiny baby steps and try to do it almost in a stealth manner.

I'm amazed how much you sound like me. All your words echo mine. This truly sucks in everyway but what choice do you really have? I cannot see the future either. I hate planning past tomorrow because I don't know where this wildfire raging inside me is going to take me...so I go on living day to day, taking pills and waiting for my next shot, waiting to wake up and look into the mirror on day so that I can finally smile at the image looking back at me. After all, deep inside its what I truly want.

QuoteI think that life actually got better for me after I started full time. It only took me one week to adjust to the outside world, I think that's an achievement in itself.

That's the whole problem dealing with the future and everything.  I'm afraid and unsure about everything as it seems. . . Why?  Because I'm always second guessing everything in regards to how it will make me feel and effect my future.  It's like I'm trying to diswade myself after already accepting the fact and moving foward.  Now it's like I'm taking another step back, and looking at this again to try to figure out a way to stop myself from deviating out of the social norm in a sense.

QuoteNever be afraid to cry, crying is the bleeding out of the poison within.

Don't worry after these couple days I think I can vouch for not being afraid to   Hey look, there's one thing I'm not afraid of. . .

QuoteI think feeling naked and exposed is part of transitioning. I cant think of anything more exposing than opening yourself up to everybody truly revealing who you are after years of keeping it under cover. Just when they thought they knew you, you take their beliefs and change all that they knew.

I just hate the feeling though you know.  Always feeling like your being constantly judged by everyone that does know.  And then who knows, maybe the whole fact that they totally support you and will be there for you as well; but then it still only makes you more afraid to expose yourself.  It's like I'm doing this in order to be more comfortable and true to myself, but at the same time I have a contradicting side that says like, "No forget this, you blend in fine now, people will never be able to tell don't ruin your life."  But then hey look at the same time that IS ruining my life.  Heh, so as you can see I'm a pretty self conflicting person when it comes to my views. 

QuoteThis is a step by step process and every move you make will be full of doubts and backsteps. Its like you try to do something then question its motives or logic. Eventually you justify it because GID forces you to accept it and then after a long thought process, you move on to the next step.

Yeah, it took me a while to accept most of this, but then when I do take that step foward, your right, I question absolutely everything.  I've been fighting the justifyable part, but your right, GID ultimately makes me accept it even though sometimes I can feel like this is the most absurd or illogical thing to ever do.  I mean my logic says, Im going to ruin my life, make a big mistake, and never be happy, so why try?  Then the whole GID kicks in, tells me that this is the only chance I have left after all these years.  But even then at the same time, I begin to question that as well.  I know everything I say just contradicts itself, which I think is a big big problem.

QuoteThis truly sucks in everyway but what choice do you really have?

And there it is.  The question I've been dwelling on for the past week.  Really it's true in every aspect of my life.  I'll go back to the part that I know doesn't make any difference whether I question it 32059x or 1x. . . but the why me? This is the question that is causing all these problems. . .  The question that makes me think I'm never going to be happy and I'll just end up ruining my life.  Really the question that just makes me bitter and hateful and makes me want to give up.  But why?  I have no choice either way, my complaining isn't going to change anything, and I know this and have accepted this for a while.  Maybe it just seems easier to want to give up maybe that's what this is all about.  I mean, this sucks having to do so much just to be myself, and then ultimately, if I somehow ever achieve that for the most part, I'll only be shunned and hated by the world.  So, meh, I don't know.  Just more random crazy ideas that make me want to just stop and quit you know.

Quote from Lori

QuoteI think feeling naked and exposed is part of transitioning. I cant think of anything more exposing than opening yourself up to everybody truly revealing who you are after years of keeping it under cover. Just when they thought they knew you, you take their beliefs and change all that they knew.

IMHO, there is one thing worse than opening yourself up to the world at-large, and that is opening yourself and looking inside.  Often we don't like who we see in there because it doesn't meet our expectations.  Looking at another's flaws is a test in looking at your own, but seeing yourself as you are deep inside can be a profoundly disturbing experience and thoughts of to be who you truly are or not to be who you truly are, that is scary.

Again, I have no degree as a psychologist or psychiatrist, nor are my statistics perfect but I have come to believe that many transsexual persons die by their own hand because of imagined fears.  I feel safe in saying that 90% of that which we fear and dread never happens to us and the other 10% isn't nearly as bad as we fear.

Beginnings are always scary.  In any given project, start-up is a pain-in-the-ass.

May I suggest that you wrestle with your difficulties one at a time? Sometimes getting one fear behind you will make others fall with it.

I don't deal in platitudes here, Shanetastic.  I am sharing my own experience.  I hope that it helps you a bit.  Please stay in contact with all of us here at Susan's.

Wing Walker

Hi Shanetastic

There are many people in this world who seek to know who the inner-self is. Some find their answer in spiritual discovery, growth, and development.  That is grand but it pales by comparison to what transsexual persons do to achieve inner piece and balance.

We have so much more exceeds that goal.  When we transition we not only discover our spirit being, we also change mentally and emotionally, especially on HRT.  The physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional exploration and development far exceeds that of the vast majority of people.

I have found my inner self, the spirit being, and I have embraced her and hold onto her for the dear life that she is. I have grown to trust and believe in who I am.

Cindy 

Quote. . . and that is opening yourself and looking inside.  Often we don't like who we see in there because it doesn't meet our expectations.  Looking at another's flaws is a test in looking at your own, but seeing yourself as you are deep inside can be a profoundly disturbing experience and thoughts of to be who you truly are or not to be who you truly are, that is scary.

Okay Wing Walker, I think that was perfectly states to what I've been trying to say for lets see, like the past day here.  I'm afraid that in opening myself up and actually being my true self in this world is going to cause me to be let down in myself.  I know for a fact, just like you said, that my expectations are obviously going to be let down.  And that's the problem, I don't want to feel depressed or sad later because I set myself up for failure.  But at the same time, nothing can really be changed besides my acceptance to these features or expectations that will never change.  That's the part I'm struggling with. . . I'm having a difficult time coming to acceptance with those issues again.  I've overcome them before, but my way of overcoming them is changing, and it isn't working anymore.  It just keeps making me look deeper within myself and ask such questions like, "Well wait, am I going to be unhappy because of this?  Will I be shunned upon and hated for the world forever now?  Am I just going to be this black sheep for eternity?"  You know, sort of stuff like that.  I guess this goes back with other posts, but really I just wish I wouldn't have to worry about such things and just be true to myself and be accepted.  But in reality, that isn't always going to happen, nor will it ever.  So now I sit here worrying about this for some reason, when I thought I overcame it long ago.

QuoteWhen we transition we not only discover our spirit being, we also change mentally and emotionally, especially on HRT.  The physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional exploration and development far exceeds that of the vast majority of people.

I think that's what's going on right now, maybe?  But at the same time, I'm focusing all too much no the negative aspects that I'm worried about.  The problem with this is that I'm too worrysom about others acceptance I think rather than my own for some reason right now.  It's slowly getting worked out, but at the same time, my mind is confusing me to he** right now.  I'm just second guessing everything about my transition and happyness right now for some reason.  Am I going crazy or did something just click in my mind that wants me to worry or something?

Quote from Shanetastic

QuoteI think that's what's going on right now, maybe?  But at the same time, I'm focusing all too much no the negative aspects that I'm worried about.  The problem with this is that I'm too worrysom about others acceptance I think rather than my own for some reason right now.  It's slowly getting worked out, but at the same time, my mind is confusing me to he** right now.  I'm just second guessing everything about my transition and happyness right now for some reason.  Am I going crazy or did something just click in my mind that wants me to worry or something?

Shanetastic, you don't need anyone's permission, especially mine, to have whatever feelings you have.

It took me many years to learn not to worry over what others think about me.  They don't pay my way in this life so I can ignore them if I so desire.  But it wasn't always that way.  Change your address, your hair color, your job, your church, your clothing, what you eat, the hand that you write with, the car you drive, and no one will lose any sleep over what you've done.  Change your visible gender presentation to match your inner, true gender, and the whole world becomes expert in what's best for you. 

The "committee of they" will always be talking about someone, as in "they say this or that" about Shanetastic.  You can let the "committee of they" direct your life or you can dismiss them entirely.  You will eventually learn that all that "they" do is run their mouths about you, nothing more.

Another thing that I came to realize is that if I am looking for support, the last place to look is to one's family.  They are judgmental and in their view you are never qualified to do anything because "they knew you when."  When I sold insurance they avoided me.  I opened a distribution business and they preferred to buy the same products from their usual sources.  I haven't seen my brother since 2003 because he would rather "remember me as I was."  As I was?  But I am still here!  Apparently he feels better with my being dead, in his mind.

When I began my transition in 2002 I had already dismissed the "committee of they" from my life.  You might eventually be able to do this, too.

Whether you undertake to keep or get over your GID should be solely your decision, not mine or anyone else's.  You can start it whenever you wish or you can decline to do it.  You might be gender dysphoric and you might not. 

Bottom line:  make whatever decision is the best for Shanetastic and not the decision that others would force upon you.

QuoteWhether you undertake to keep or get over your GID should be solely your decision, not mine or anyone else's.  You can start it whenever you wish or you can decline to do it.  You might be gender dysphoric and you might not. 

Bottom line:  make whatever decision is the best for Shanetastic and not the decision that others would force upon you.

I've tried for years to get over this GID, which lead me to some really low lows pretty much.  But really, when I decided to take action about it and start doing something for myself 3 years ago, I guess I never knew what it would truly be like when I got to this point finally.  It took me that long to accept myself and my decision and I decided that this was what I was going to do, and this was needed for myself.

And then now, everything is all confusing again for some reason.  This is still 100% what I want to do, but at the same time I'm just confused about everything that's coming with this.  I'm losing out on so much, and I don't even know what I will gain from this.  Why?  Because you never know until you come out on the other side.  There is always speculation, but who really knows? 

No one has forced any decision on me, except to live as my old self for nineteen years of my life.  And then, right when I think I have it all figured out, and everything has been going perfectly, boom, this comes and flips everything upside down.  I know I'm just in a like. . . "bleh" zone right now, because with changing comes the whole realisation that I'm going to lose so much I think.  Yet, at the same time, it's NOTHING important, but still it dwells within myself. 

I know everyone when reading this is going to say, talk to your therapist about it, but she hasn't been through this.  She doesn't know what I'm feeling or what to do about it.  So that's why I'm here, asking for the opinions of others.  I'm not entirely sure if that "commitee" is ruiling my life or just making me think too hard about everything.  I'm just scared that I'm going to ruin my life even more than it was ruined years ago.  But in the reality when I think about it, it's like it can't get any worse than it was, and I'm finally doing something about it, so why am I thinking about this?

I'm just afraid I'm never going to be accepted for who I am.  And that I will never get to live life fully, always dwelling about these ridiculous problems that really don't matter.  Why should I be so concerned with everything?  It shouldn't matter as long as I know I'm happy, but how will I know that if I'm being rejected by the world.

Now that I confused myself and probably everyone else I'm going to go.  Good night.  Sorry for all these random emotions and problems popping up everywhere. 

Hi, Natalie, there will be those who will disapprove, but not everyone.

I found that when I started full time I amazingly found more friends which were in the beginning mostly girls. Anyway I had more friends than naysayers, and naysayers is all they were. So that is what I call folks with "telephonitis."  There are gossips and barroom talkers but  that dies off after time and even the telephonitis people and the naysayers fade away in search of another poor sucker to pick on.

I was dead set as to what I wanted and that certainly wasn't to take flying lessons by jumping off a cliff. I wanted to live. Once I had made up my mind everything fell together like as though it was meant to be, all the little details like ball bearings, all neatly rolling respectively into their own little niches.

For once in my life I enjoy living.  Of course there will be changes and growth along the way. One's perspective of themselves and the acceptance of the many feelings and emotions one will experience, the buckets of tears and feeling lost, they are all parts of the growth and of learning who the inner self is.

The characteristics of this new "you" will enlighten and enrich the days ahead of you.  Very little of the previous self will be left intact but this is the part that is the gift and not the curse as it would seem to be at this part of your life you find yourself right now. 

Cindy   

Quote from: shanetastic on November 05, 2007, 01:17:13 AM

QuoteWhether you undertake to keep or get over your GID should be solely your decision, not mine or anyone else's.  You can start it whenever you wish or you can decline to do it.  You might be gender dysphoric and you might not. 

Bottom line:  make whatever decision is the best for Shanetastic and not the decision that others would force upon you.

Now that I confused myself and probably everyone else I'm going to go.  Good night.  Sorry for all these random emotions and problems popping up everywhere. 

Shanetastic,

Please feel free to share all of your random emotions and problems here.  There are therapists and there are *good* therapists.  I don't know of any therapists at Susan's but I do know this:  there is wisdom to be found with many counselors who care, and there are many who care in these forums.

Peace be with you.

Wing Walker

I loved the last part about your 9 year old daughter and the hair conditioner conversation

Quotedaddy, trust me I know, I've been a girl much longer than you".

How so precious. 

Cindy

Thanks for all the support.  I'm feeling better today but still have no idea why lol.

And Kiera, I'm not really announcing anything to really that many people.  I'm just sort of going along with it for the time being and figured it's not people's problem so why should I even bother telling them.  It's weird, because I don't care about what people think and if I lose any friends or family on one end, but on the other I do care about like being accepted as myself.

In a way I think those contradict each other, but I'm not quite certain on that.  Perhaps it's still the skepticism in myself that feels that no matter what I'm just not going to be happy or something.  It's odd I guess though.  Anyways, I have a long day ahead of me hehe, so see you all later.  We'll see what this sounds like when I read it again tonight, and hopefully I'll be like, "what the heck was I talking about I'm psychotic!" 

Quote from: shanetastic on November 05, 2007, 01:17:13 AM
And then now, everything is all confusing again for some reason.  This is still 100% what I want to do, but at the same time I'm just confused about everything that's coming with this.  I'm losing out on so much, and I don't even know what I will gain from this.  Why?  Because you never know until you come out on the other side.  There is always speculation, but who really knows?

Regarding transition, I'm rather fond of warning everyone, "it's not what you think..."

Everything you're saying I can relate too. I learned early on that reality rarely, if ever matched my expectations throughout the transition process. The only solid ground, the only unwavering truth I could hold onto was, as you said, "This is still 100% what I want need to do."

What I've found is that getting to "the other side" simply brings into view more oceans to cross. Solving one need just brings more needs to the surface. You have to learn to laugh, and just embrace the adventure of YOU

Will transition give you what you need? Well again, the funny thing, you may find that your needs CHANGE as you go. What seems so critical now might seem trivial in a few months. And things you never even thought of yet might become absolutely necessary. Your fears will change. Your hopes will change. Your needs will change. Living as a woman brings with it an entirely different *context* of being, and with that comes a very, very different life.

And I wouldn't have it any other way

~Kate~

"DITO!" on that Kate.

QuoteLiving as a woman brings with it an entirely different *context* of being, and with that comes a very, very different life.

That's the best part.

Cindy