Ok, sorry to rant but...

These days I started really considering  transition as possible and not just as theoretical (wanted to my whole life) but today I'm so in denial (?)... I'm so afraid (I could say terrified) of transitioning right now. Yet these feelings are still changing within minutes. It's like a feel ~ok ish staying a guy but few minutes later I know I'm really a girl.

When I feel I'm a girl, it's a positive calm feeling, but other times it's like "so what?". It's just so confusing...like meat grinder breaking bones inside my mind....

Before you suggest seeing a therapist, I'm already seeing one. It's just that it's like once a month...

It's not uncommon to be scared of it. It's always scary when we try to step out of our comfort zones into the unknown. We worry about all the possibilities of what might happen, and it can feel so difficult. But often when we muster the courage to take those seemingly impossibly difficult steps, we find they really weren't impossible after all and it's nothing like what you feared before you took them.

*hugs*

You're not alone.  I went through the same thing when I realized that my dysphoria was bad enough to warrant seriously considering a physical transition.  The cycles of doubt still ebb and flow, just far less rapidly these days (about a year in now, HRT since summer last year.)

I firmly believe that doubt is good.  That's too superficial an explanation and verging on a platitude, so let me fill in the details.  I believe that pre-decision doubt is a very useful tool to ensure that we're asking ourselves the necessary questions about these major life-altering changes, and I believe once a decision has been reached and a course plotted, doubt serves a post-decision role as a means by which we can check (once in a while - not all the time) that we're still on the right path.  It's good to second-guess yourself.

So go with the doubt.  It means you're thoughtful and you want to get things right, and it in no way indicates that you're not transgender.  You're (rightly) wary of leaping head first into what often ends up being, on a day-to-day practical level, a social, professional, financial and emotional storm.  Embrace your doubts and resolve each one as and when you're able.  You don't have to make a decision on anything today, tomorrow, or even next year; you've got plenty of time to iron these things out.  But the flip side to embracing doubt is that you can't let it prevent you from exploring who you are.  If we waited until we were 100% sure about everything we did, we'd never get anything done.  Take baby steps towards transitioning in the interim - and I note that you are, therapy being a great place to start.  We don't all begin with the biggies (e.g. "Mom, Dad, surprise! I'm transgender and I'm gonna be a girl!"), and it's fine to take little steps and figure things out as we go along.  Often the little steps give us the confidence to take the bigger steps.

I guess this is a roundabout way of reassuring you that it's okay to proceed with caution.

Quote from: kelly_1979 on February 22, 2015, 04:24:15 PM
I'm so afraid (I could say terrified) of transitioning right now. Yet these feelings are still changing within minutes. It's like a feel ~ok ish staying a guy but few minutes later I know I'm really a girl.

I think your fears about transitioning are normal, as is oscillating back and forth due to the fear.

When I was going through this phase, someone suggested I think of my fears as the "guy" part of me just trying to protect the "girl" part.

This resonated, and I could see how my carefully-constructed male persona was really all about self protection. When the fear kicked in, I would think stuff like, "Thanks for the help, but I don't need you to protect me right now."

Oddly, this let me feel sort of grateful to that part of me, for getting me to this point, instead of feeling hateful about the conflicted feelings.

Maybe this is a little weird, but it helped me out...

Hi Kelly,

Feeling scared is perfectly normal. Transition has so many unknown variables and you have never done it before. I think the best advise I have ever heard was from a woman in group that said to change one thing at a time and to keep pushing the limits. She said to experiment and do what makes you feel better.

I know you said you see a therapist monthly. You could add a weekly group session or two. You could express there and develop a sense of community and you may make a few friends. I think group helped me sort out so many issues I just needed to experience.

I think that experiencing doubts are a good thing. Doubts force us to re-evaluate our assumptions and decisions. If ,having re-evaluated, we come to the same conclusions then GREAT - its happy days!
However if our conclusions have changed then, it may mean that we are either not sure or not ready. Either way, we should have no regrets.

Quote from: kelly_1979 on February 22, 2015, 04:24:15 PM
Ok, sorry to rant but...

These days I started really considering  transition as possible and not just as theoretical (wanted to my whole life) but today I'm so in denial (?)... I'm so afraid (I could say terrified) of transitioning right now. Yet these feelings are still changing within minutes. It's like a feel ~ok ish staying a guy but few minutes later I know I'm really a girl.

When I feel I'm a girl, it's a positive calm feeling, but other times it's like "so what?". It's just so confusing...like meat grinder breaking bones inside my mind....

Before you suggest seeing a therapist, I'm already seeing one. It's just that it's like once a month...

Welcome to my world 

I've been dealing with those same feelings for a good 5 years now. Some days I just break down not able to deal with the jumping back and forth. Other days and lasting for days, weeks to even months I've had my "WTF Am I Doing " meltdowns.

I've been on HRT for about 5 years now. I've done a lot of personal development since then. Most days now I do feel kind of to mostly OK being me. I also have a body now I am far happier living in. Yet, this past weekend I was totally devastated after one minute seeing a beautiful woman ready to leave the house only to have it trashed by snow. A few minutes later all I could see was a sad old man asking himself "Why?". Then numbness

There are certainly several parts of transition that could cause doubt, or even fear.
Do you know why you have doubts? There is the doubt of whether or not you are really a female, doubts about whether or not you will still have a family after they find out, doubts about whether you will be able to finish what you start etc.

Sometimes, knowing what exactly it is that is bothering you, helps you figure out the problem. Often the answer is in the question. It can be very difficult to be completely honest with yourself when facing a life changing issue. Sometimes I think we are better at hiding things from ourselves than from others.

I agree with the others that doubt can be a good thing. Yes, if you go through HRT or surgery, you might be able to reverse some things, but you could never go back to where you came from. Especially surgically. Wanting to be 100% sure is a good thing.

Try tearing apart the doubt into smaller bits (if you haven't already with your therapist), and remind yourself that you don't have to tell anyone what you are thinking. Somewhere in there is the answer, but only you can find it. Take a deep breath, maybe a long walk to clear your head and know that you aren't alone in your struggle.

sam1234

I had doubts at first, one day on hrt and many doubts faded, after one month.....doubts, what doubts?

When you start hrt you'll know very quickly if the doubts were justified or not.