Sorry but this post may go on for quite a while, you may wish to get a coffee if you're thinking of reading to the end
Due to a combination of moving & clerical problems with the NHS due to changing gender clinic i've not had my T blocker for 2 months now.
My new GP is working hard to get CHX to send a letter confirming that I need a T blocker, the regulations are quite strict & he cannot prescribe this without a letter from my last endo. My GP phones me at least once a week to tell me that both him & his receptionist are doing all they can to get this problem sorted, CHX have ignored his requests for this letter for months now this is either due to me requesting to be tranfered away from that hell hole (I see my new endo in 5 weeeks) or it may be down to them being swamped, it may also be down to them being complete . . . . . .
I spent Xmas on my own as my mum decided years ago that she was going to have a holiday every Xmas until my brother is released from prison at the end of this year, her words a few years ago "there's no point celebrating xmas when you have no family around" (what am I, chopped liver??) I didn't want to put a dark cloud over her once in a lifetime cruise so when she asked what my Xmas plans were I said i'd spend the day on xbox with my friends, the reality was that my friends were all updating to xbox one, of the half dozen people I consider close friends only one bothered to spend time online with me on xmas evening. I owe him alot as until he decided to spend time with me i'd been crying all day (plus he's got an extremely sexy voice)
In my mums defence, she does love me but when she made this decision to have xmas holidays & said that hurtfull comment she was still struggling with me coming out, a few months after I dropped my bombshell my brother got sentenced for 6 yrs & my step dad was caught having affairs with intersex people (the words she used were NOT that polite), I was the one who took most of the flak.
She now phones me every few days to see how i'm doing & about a month ago she bought me an Xbox One so I could keep up with my friends.
After xmas my emotions settled down & after discussions with my GP I came off the anti-depressants, things seemed to improve over the following weeks but the last month has been a steady decline into depression, I was over the moon to go to see my new therapist at The Laurels & my mum drove me there, whilst we went shopping in Exeter I noticed quite alot of people giving me very friendly smiles that clearly conveyed the message "I know you're trans & I support that, i'm happy for you", over the last week i've only been able to think as far as the "I know you're trans" bit. I'm still trying to get my electrolysis funding, you know what they say. . . . . 4th time lucky
I never get gendered as female when out in public apart from the staff at my local corner shop, even then it took a few months for them to realise this & correct themselves, the result is that I don't go out unless I really have to (such as the LGBT group I help to run), i'm crawling back into my shell & transitioning not into my true gender but into a hermit crab.
I read on here about women who've been on HRT for a few months and get correctly gendered all the time, I've been on HRT for 1yr 3 months now & being refered to as female seems as distant a dream as it was a decade ago.
I've been stabbed in the back & taken for a ride many times by people who called me a friend & now I have no physical friends, the only people I call friends are online & most of them still struggle to gender me correctly due to my extremely male voice, they try but they still slip up often, I don't blame them as they do try but my voice triggers them to use "he" instead of "she". The only person who gets it right most of the time is the friend who came online to spend time with me on xmas day.
On top of that i've had enough of being single, i'm attracted to men but not gay men as it's the maleness of me that they would be attracted to, a complete turn off, the only men i'm attracted to are not attracted to me.
My only company from day to day is my ever loyal Poopie who noticed I was crying whilst typing and has climbed onto the back of my armchair, every so often he reaches down to lick a stray tear from my cheek.
I don't know if this depression is due to no T blocker in my system or the anti-depressants now being fully out of my system, part of me has given up caring.
