The majority of trans people I've encountered have known they were trans since childhood or early puberty. Even if they only realised in their middle age, they could still trace signs of dysphoria and/or gender non-conformism back to their youth. But I only realised last year, aged sixteen, and until then I was a perfectly normal girl, albeit bisexual to a degree. That is to say, I was never a tomboy, nor did I ever wish to be anything but female. Well, there may have been those highly masculine sexual fantasies and dreams the year before last. And there was that time when, aged eleven, I wore short hair and a grey hoodie, and gazed into the mirror wondering if there was any chance people might think I was a boy. And the little disappointment when my breasts started to grow and 'disguising myself as a boy' became more difficult. But I never actually thought 'I am a boy' or even 'I want to be a boy'. As a child, I fantasised about being a mother one day, and was genuinely pleased when my period started. I was a woman in my first romantic and sexual thoughts.
Yet, now that I have mentally transitioned, things being any other way is unimaginable. I find myself entirely disconnected to who I was in the past, and I can only envision one future for myself. It is as if I have always been a guy. I can't imagine being in a straight relationship with a man, and the lesbian relationship I had two years ago is incomprehensible to me now. Being called a girl, looking like a girl, is intolerable, etc.
So what caused the sudden change? Likely, it was finding out that there actually is such a thing a transgender. Until a couple of years ago I had no idea that such a thing existed. In Estonian, my first language, there are no separate words for 'sex' and 'gender', and the English-speaking people around me used them interchangeably. I started to question my gender identity when I found out there was such a thing as gender identity. Before then, I was a girl because I had girl bits. I never really thought about what being a man or being a woman meant.
So, my questions to you experts at psychology who have had the patience to read through this silly rambling, are:
-Was mine a simple case of self-discovery through enlightenment, or did my gender actually change?
-If so, is this 'change' legitimate, or is this just a phase? Do I really have the right to call myself a legitimate trans man?
I do wonder sometimes.
P.S. This is probably more appropriately discussed face-to-face with a counsellor. Unfortunately, I don't have one.