The day before my 2nd session I sent my therapist an e-mail telling her that I had decided to quit going down this road and I would live the rest of my life as a man. I thought if I did not put the breaks on now, I would not be able to, further on down the road. I was scared of unintended consequences such as fallout for family and friends, and also would I be happy after transition.
  The next morning I woke up feeling as bad as I have in a long time. I was grieving the loss of myself and was very depressed. I e-mailed my counselor and talked to her later that day and she helped me to understand my feelings. We decided to continue with therapy sessions for now.
  I know now that I cannot deny the person I am inside and she will always be in my heart and mind. The question is, can I live as a man and live some kind of meaningful existence, or will I ultimately need to transition to be happy?
For now, it is one day at a time.

thanks for listening,  Stanna

You may find out that transitioning is not the right path for you, but I really think think that if you are capable of seeing a therapist, it would be beneficial to explore that possibility with them. I don't think you would be able to live well by just shutting yourself down and shutting everyone else out.

I wish you the best no matter which direction your journey takes you.

Quote from: Stanna on March 06, 2015, 08:19:06 PM
The question is, can I live as a man and live some kind of meaningful existence, or will I ultimately need to transition to be happy?

That is the question isn't it. Only you can answer it, and the purpose of therapy is to help you understand. It sounds like stopping therapy in your case is more like trying to hide from the problem in hope it will go away. I'd say you made a very good decision to continue.

I stopped therapy recently, but it was because I was running of problems, or at least the kinds of problems that therapy can help with. I'm sure I'll be doing it again, but hopefully not too soon.

The way you phrased the question is interesting, "some kind of meaningful existence" vs "happy". It looks like you're choosing between being happy and something you can put up with instead of being happy. Is that what you want to be doing for the rest of your life?

I'm not saying its you, but it is a really common story that people can get by for years with these feelings, with it slowly getting stronger until they can't take it anymore. Then looking back with regret at not doing something earlier. Its happened to me as well, and so many others here. I've no idea how you know at the start what's coming, but I wish I'd made more effort to find out.

Stanna, it's so common to have doubts and fears at the beginning of transition.

There's no need to predict the future, just take it a day at a time. You could begin doing small things to change your presentation and see how it makes you feel. If you like it, do more. It doesn't have to be all or nothing...

Quote from: Stanna on March 06, 2015, 08:19:06 PM
The day before my 2nd session I sent my therapist an e-mail telling her that I had decided to quit going down this road and I would live the rest of my life as a man. I thought if I did not put the breaks on now, I would not be able to, further on down the road. I was scared of unintended consequences such as fallout for family and friends, and also would I be happy after transition.
  The next morning I woke up feeling as bad as I have in a long time. I was grieving the loss of myself and was very depressed. I e-mailed my counselor and talked to her later that day and she helped me to understand my feelings. We decided to continue with therapy sessions for now.
  I know now that I cannot deny the person I am inside and she will always be in my heart and mind. The question is, can I live as a man and live some kind of meaningful existence, or will I ultimately need to transition to be happy?
For now, it is one day at a time.

thanks for listening,  Stanna

Been there, Done That, MANY Times the first couple of years. I call them the "WTF am I Doing " meltdowns. A sort of purge. A purge of an aspect of your inner self.

I spent a good 40 years trying to keep the female aspect of myself locked away. At times when she roamed freely it was a disaster. So I opted for being a "normalish" guy. Sure, I needed the occasional escape for my mental/emotional health. I relied on diversions, distractions and some denial, or the 3D's, to get buy.

Today I live and present primarily as male. About six years ago I came to a point in my life where I realized I needed to do something about how I was NOT handling being trans. I found a support group and a few angels there that helped in turning my life around. Went back on HRT, which I relied on for the needed brain reset a few times over the decades. I never stopped this time. I slowly began to accept myself for who and what I am. I slowly started the long and painfull process of shedding the shame and guilt I layered on over a lifetime of denial of this aspect of myself.

Shame and Guilt are powerful emotions. Both still affect me today especially when it comes to my wife. She certainly did not sign on for this though she knew from day 1 some 30 years ago I had GD. I still have this part of me constantly screaming "YOU CAN BEAT THIS". I have always accomplished any task or challenge I set out after. I should be able to beat this. I failed. Not just my parents, my family, my wife, I also proved that I am a total failure to myself.

In spite of all the self flagellation one thing always pulled me out of the WTF death spirals. "I Know What Does NOT Work". I know it all too well from repeating the failure over and over for decades. I see so many successes now. Scary! Certainly NOT going the "direction" I hoped. I am also actually happy. I actually feel good about myself. I feel I actually do deserve the gifts I have in my life. I actually feel good being in my own skin. All major firsts.

It does get better

Thanks so much for the replies.
    Its a tough place to be trying to choose a path to go down. I'm 58 and x-dressed since forever but just recently just came out to myself as transgendered. Upon this realization, I was able to forgive myself for the guilt and shame I carried all those years. (very liberating). I am very happy to find out who I am and I love that about me. There is nothing more I would like to do than match my body with my heart and mind. Also, my wife is completely behind whatever path I choose to take. She is wonderful, and I am very lucky indeed!
    But, at this age I wonder would that be the right thing for everyone involved. It seems selfish to me at times, and then sometimes it feels like I have no choice but to transition. I'm just afraid if I get too far along in transition, would I be able to stop if I found it is not the right path for me.
    Anyway, it seems I am not the first or will I be the last person to have these feelings. It helps not feeling alone in this journey.
   
    Thanks again,  Stanna