I don't really know what I'm doing with this post. I was just looking through the before and after thread because I was having a brief 'maybe it is possible' feeling but it just depressed the hell out of me. I hate how bitter and resentful and jealous I'm becoming. I dont want to be that person. But everytime I see a young transitioner or just people who are lucky enough to have HRT make them look female I can't stand it. Anytime I concivne myself that actually anything is possible and maybe it could work for me too I then catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and its so painful. It's better when I don't kid myself. At least I don't get that feeling. If it was JUST my huge feet, or JUST my huge hands, or JUST my huge blocky pelvis, or JUST my huge rib cage, or JUST my huge head, or JUST my receding hairline, or JUST the 16 stitch scar above my eye from playing rugby, or JUST the fact that I'm 6ft, then I probably still wouldn't pass, but I'd be willing to put up with that, because I don't think is stand out in a way that would make life crappy. But it's all of those things. I hate feeling sorry for myself in this way. It's pathetic.

I'm sorry. I'm just in a total nightmare place in life right now. I feel so bad in terms of my health and no doctor has really helped. They have told me symptoms are anxiety related by I know they are not. They might even be related to the fact I took cyproterone acetate for 6 days. That was 2 months ago and I still feel awful. That is also great. Even if I do muster up the courage to do something about this feeling I seriously don't know if I could bring myself to take medication again. I though I was going to die for about 4 weeks straight. And then I think maybe that is a sign that in not trans (though mentally I felt great taking it prior to being unwell) Maybe I was doing something really wrong by blocking my testosterone. Maybe something not natural. And then if I'm not trans then what am I? Some kind of freak? I'm sorry for this I just feel so stuck in this place right now. I feel so horrible physically that I can't even go back to doing the things that make me forget this stuff, working out, playing sports, and I feel more stuck than ever before with the feelings.. More than ever I feel like there is and never will be any answer to it.

Nice and cheery right? Sorry. Hope everyone is happier than I am right now. It sort of just feels like something to do about it coming on here rather than staring into nothing.

(((((((hugs))))))))

Quote from: orangejuice on March 06, 2015, 10:22:46 AM
And then if I'm not trans then what am I? Some kind of freak? I'm sorry for this I just feel so stuck in this place right now. I feel so horrible physically that I can't even go back to doing the things that make me forget this stuff, working out, playing sports, and I feel more stuck than ever before with the feelings.. More than ever I feel like there is and never will be any answer to it.

Nice and cheery right? Sorry. Hope everyone is happier than I am right now. It sort of just feels like something to do about it coming on here rather than staring into nothing.

Have you considered that you might be non-binary? Seriously, check out nonbinary.org/wiki for a good explanation as to what it means to have a non-binary identity, and if that fits you, there is a non-binary forum here...

I don't pass, and don't think I would after HRT either. I identify as genderfluid, in part, because I can't pass, and still want a job. I am still always Veronica, I'm just in drag when I have to pretend I'm a guy.

Hi Honey,

Sometimes when it all seems too much and we hit the pit of despair we cannot see stuff that is others may.

Height. Six foot: a bit below average to be a supermodel, way less than female basketball or netball players. And some of those ladies are HOT.

Big hands, big feet: see above!

Face: I haven't checked your pic but lots of girls commented that you have good features. Just an aside , I had a transwomen staying with me for a week last year as we worked on a conference. It was great fun, but we did get into our before and after pics. She showed me a pic of her before and I just told her. 'Hell hon you looked like a Neanderthal on steroids.' She looked like a guy you cross the street from. She had FFS, she is gorgeous! A six foot (yes) blonde haired goddess. Beautiful outside, but more importantly inside as well. She also suffered terrible abuse as a child and teen, yes she needed help to get out of her pit, but she got there. Her boyfriend is, by the way, a really cute guy who knows all of her past.

Effect of CA, yes in some it causes depression but there are plenty of other AA's that don't. I couldn't take CA. I took spiro. Talk to your endo and explain the problem.

The brick wall. This is called transition, it is a brick wall. We run at it, walk at it and bounce of it. it seems impossible to move it or get through it. We keep trying, eventually it starts to crack, then some bricks fall out and suddenly it collapses. How do we keep running at it? Because your sisters and brothers here will keep you going, as they did me.

It is impossible for me to transition: Tell me about it. Every damn day I would grab another bottle of whiskey and tell myself 'It is impossible for me to transition' I went FT three years ago, guess what? I was a man in a dress. My work mates were kind and didn't laugh at me to my face. But I could see the sorrow and shock and it hurt.

Now? I'm a gorgeous woman, even if I say so myself, I'm HAPPY. No one laughs at me now. I get admiring looks from men and women want me as a friend.

I'm HAPPY, I never ever thought I could be.

You can be as well. As you should be. As you deserve to be.

Hugs young lady, you can do this, you really can.

Cindy

I'm really sad right now thanks


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Quote from: tracy176 on March 07, 2015, 12:50:41 AM
I'm really sad right now thanks


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And a big hug to you as well young lady

Hi OJ,

I saw your picture and you have a lot to work with. I remember you have pretty lips, upper lip length, chin, jaw and eyes. I did not see any significant eye or forehead bossing.

I see girls at work 6 feet and taller. I am 6'3" and a few are my height and some taller.

Transitioning is tough. The only way is to challenge your comfort level and that can be scary. At some point I think I  learned most of the fear I feel I have made up in my head and transposed it on other people.

I had one bully at work ( Assistant Director of Security) who kept asking why I am growing my hair long. He kept it up and one day he asked just before a meeting started with 40 people from departments across the enterprise. I ignored him then he repeated the question again. Somewhere inside me a voice spoke and I said why do you care? Why do you keep asking me this question? I said I like my hair longer and it makes me feel good. Leave me alone. He has never said anything about my hair since.


Hugs,

Cynthia

Time warp!  I thought I was reading a post I could have written 30 years ago. I'm 6ft, big hands, super extra large feet (thanks Scuba-Pro), big hands barrel chest, rapidly receding hairline, deep voice, scar over my right eye and one under my lip. The list can go on but you get the point I hope.

We are absolutely our best (or would it be worse?) critics. We tend to see every little flaw and fixate on them. All these are then put under the Shame & Guilt microscope to further magnify them. Like... Who wants to be trans No me! And besides I can sort of beat this. I've sort of been doing it so far. And when you are down on yourself it all seems far far darker and far far depressing to even think of going down that path.

In my early twenties I twice experimented with transitioning. Twice I ended it, in large part for all those reasons, magnified a few more times from the pain of growing up being a target of ridicule. No thank you. I don't want a volunteer for a lifetime of it. I'll do my best to be "Normal"

One of the funny things about life is you often see or hear the same thing over and over and you go WTF? and keep going along. Even before the days of the internet I read that 90% of passing is attitude. I laughed it off. Attitude seemed only to get be a bigger beat down as a kid. Latter in life I came to realize that the "Attitude" being referred to is how you think of yourself. It takes a lot of work to loose the same and guilt. If you feel like "Some guy in a dress" like I always did it seems people sense it. It is almost like you want their affirmation that you are just some guy in a dress, just to prove to yourself this is all a crazy idea.

I few years ago I once again ventured out in daylight, out into a very public space presenting as the real me. The "Real" me out in the real world. Not "Some guy in a dress". So what changed besides a lot less hair? Attitude.

Quote from: Cindy on March 07, 2015, 12:21:13 AM
Hi Honey,

Sometimes when it all seems too much and we hit the pit of despair we cannot see stuff that is others may.

Height. Six foot: a bit below average to be a supermodel, way less than female basketball or netball players. And some of those ladies are HOT.

Big hands, big feet: see above!

Face: I haven't checked your pic but lots of girls commented that you have good features. Just an aside , I had a transwomen staying with me for a week last year as we worked on a conference. It was great fun, but we did get into our before and after pics. She showed me a pic of her before and I just told her. 'Hell hon you looked like a Neanderthal on steroids.' She looked like a guy you cross the street from. She had FFS, she is gorgeous! A six foot (yes) blonde haired goddess. Beautiful outside, but more importantly inside as well. She also suffered terrible abuse as a child and teen, yes she needed help to get out of her pit, but she got there. Her boyfriend is, by the way, a really cute guy who knows all of her past.

Effect of CA, yes in some it causes depression but there are plenty of other AA's that don't. I couldn't take CA. I took spiro. Talk to your endo and explain the problem.

The brick wall. This is called transition, it is a brick wall. We run at it, walk at it and bounce of it. it seems impossible to move it or get through it. We keep trying, eventually it starts to crack, then some bricks fall out and suddenly it collapses. How do we keep running at it? Because your sisters and brothers here will keep you going, as they did me.

It is impossible for me to transition: Tell me about it. Every damn day I would grab another bottle of whiskey and tell myself 'It is impossible for me to transition' I went FT three years ago, guess what? I was a man in a dress. My work mates were kind and didn't laugh at me to my face. But I could see the sorrow and shock and it hurt.

Now? I'm a gorgeous woman, even if I say so myself, I'm HAPPY. No one laughs at me now. I get admiring looks from men and women want me as a friend.

I'm HAPPY, I never ever thought I could be.

You can be as well. As you should be. As you deserve to be.

Hugs young lady, you can do this, you really can.

Cindy

Thank you Cindy. I'm realising I might be doing something I was sure I wasn't, which is only seeing the negatives. I hope I can have the confidence to deal with this hand I've been given with as much confidence and positivity as you and others I've met on here. It's weird I find it totally inspiring but terrifying at the same time. The more inspired I get by people the more drawn down a path I feel where I still don't know if the outcome will necessarily be good. Does that make sense?  Anyway thank you for the advice.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on March 07, 2015, 09:43:43 PM
Hi OJ,

I saw your picture and you have a lot to work with. I remember you have pretty lips, upper lip length, chin, jaw and eyes. I did not see any significant eye or forehead bossing.

I see girls at work 6 feet and taller. I am 6'3" and a few are my height and some taller.

Transitioning is tough. The only way is to challenge your comfort level and that can be scary. At some point I think I  learned most of the fear I feel I have made up in my head and transposed it on other people.

I had one bully at work ( Assistant Director of Security) who kept asking why I am growing my hair long. He kept it up and one day he asked just before a meeting started with 40 people from departments across the enterprise. I ignored him then he repeated the question again. Somewhere inside me a voice spoke and I said why do you care? Why do you keep asking me this question? I said I like my hair longer and it makes me feel good. Leave me alone. He has never said anything about my hair since.


Hugs,

Cynthia

Hi Cynthia,
Thank you it makes me hopeful to hear that. Funny I always really  liked my lips. Another one of those 'huh I guess I've always wanted to be a girl' realisations.

I realise that I probably am being too scared of being treated like an outcast and that I'm probably not giving people enough credit. I cant help but feel I'd have to move away and find new friends though. I mean I was at a party last night with my old rugby team mates and the word '->-bleeped-<-got' was chanted at various points. I feel so uncomfortable in those situations and in that environment but it's just the life I've had. I really couldn't come out as trans and have the same social life as I do now. I'd have to make massive changes which is scary. Probably move away. But thank you you like others here are an inspiration.

Quote from: tracy176 on March 07, 2015, 12:50:41 AM
I'm really sad right now thanks


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I'm sorry I hope reading this didn't make you sad

Quote from: JoanneB on March 08, 2015, 09:24:31 AM


We are absolutely our best (or would it be worse?) critics. We tend to see every little flaw and fixate on them. All these are then put under the Shame & Guilt microscope to further magnify them

Hi Joanne, Yep I really didn't think I was doing that. I've always sort of prided myself in stepping away from a situation and taking as objective a view as possible of my own feelings, but maybe I've just been too negative. One thing I know I really need to try and do is to have more positive self-talk. Not easy though. Hopefully I can get to the same point as you with my attitude one day. Thank you.

Hi OJ,

I saw your pictures and I agree with the others that you have great potential.
I am in a somewhat similar situation as you regarding height and physical features so I initially thought that should make things easy - I could go on HRT and get peace of mind, but at the same time continue presenting as male and not disrupt my existing life. However, I also realize that I have at least some feminine features, and that HRT can bring about unexpected changes at an unexpected rate, so I am weighing my options more carefully now.
Like you, I like to think of myself as being objective about it, but then my therapist said that maybe I am rationalizing and intellectualizing this too much, and not going into how I really feel. Maybe those feelings hidden deep inside have the answers to what we need to do, what we must have and what we can let go of.

Take care
Cindy