Hey all it is I the great Kao, well I would be but I don't feel very great right now...I haven't been around much lately due to a few major issues I have been having.  Well I was FT even prior to HRT the last time I was here (still not on HRT yet) I was doing great first session of laser was great it removed about 50-60% of my facial hair on the first run (I have very dark hair palish skin) was going out and starting to enjoy myself for once but then it all went wrong.  Went to get my second ear pierced as I only had one done, this was great to me it was a big step,  what happened later is the problem....I got on the bus home, should have been an easy 45 minute ride...I was wrong I was tucked and have never had an issue but for some dumb reason the bus driver accelerated towards a red light before slamming the brakes on sending most of us off our seats, at this point I slammed into the seat in front in turn slamming my legs together and in turn well you can guess what happened to my horrible family jewels...yep pain lots and lots of pain...it was ok later that day but has gotten worse and worse.  2 weeks on I have been to the doctors 8 times went through a painful ultrasound and had to have an emergency mental appointment because they are a major dysphoria of mine and the pain had/has me at the point of cutting them off myself and self mutilation is not something I want to do (all tests have come up clean) this all wouldn't be a problem if I was seeing a physiologist/gender therapist as I would be on hrt and an orchiectomy would have likely already have happened just after injury as I have planned to have one anyway.  Now I am on medication to treat an infection that may or may not be there but and hope it helps...one has shrunk the other has swollen and is now much larger than previously... I feel trapped by this now as they were large now with the swelling larger again and impossible to touch without hurting let alone tuck, I was so happy and now I am just wanting to fade away and never come back.  I just want them gone the pain is like been struck over and over and is now effecting my back and legs as well as causing major dysphoria issues and I am struggling to even stay rational enough to not do something stupid...I cant sleep, I cant go out unless its to the doctors and I am forced out as my old male self which is painful on its own without the actual pain of the area that seems to be fine according to the tests but not according to what I feel or can be seen. 

I just don't know what to do...I hurt so much and the dysphoria is crippling and I am barley holding it together...

anyway thanks for reading I just needed it off my chest
Kao

Ouch. Praying you get some comfort soon.

Hey Kao,

I feel ya. The pain of the dysphoria and everything else sometimes feels too strong and you just don't know how to handle any of it. One day life can go so great but the next be absolutely horrible. If only there were an easier way of making everything better. I guess we'd all jump on that ship at the first notice.

You just need to keep strong and keep seeing the goal at the end of the tunnel. Even if that tunnel seems like a black hole and there's no light anywhere. You have to look forward and never look back. I know that's what I keep telling myself. Everything happens for a reason and we have to believe that.

I'm sorry for your pain. Everyone handles this at their own pace and rate. While my own dysphoria levels may not be nearly as bad as yours, I still want to see you get through this. Only you know how rewarding it will be in the end.

Best of luck,
Marty (Sammi)

Thank you for the well wishes.  I didnt realize how bad a of a block  i left that text in.  I have been on the med they gave me and it hasnt helped it has actually made it worse....instead of sharp stabbing when moving/bumping etc it now feels like they are in a vice with a 10kg weight under them all of the time...I am worried now as they is the same description my grandfather said he used to a doctor and 3 weeks later a lump formed that turned out to be cancer had formed.

What is adding more worry is I have quite literally gone up a cup size (im not complaining) this shouldn't happen as I have lost weight not put it on and the breast area is very very tender.  I am also getting alot of pimples and my voice is noticeably higher pitch which all points to a massive shift in testosterone generation in my body. 

I'm tired of this constant pain if it hasnt changed by tomorrow I was told to make an appointment for the docs the day after but omg the pain...I would go to the emergency room but I dont want to sit there for 6 hours to be told all the tests are clear again and sent home.

well thanks again
Kao

Hugs Hon,

You know how to contact me if you want a coffee

Cindy