Sorry, silly subject but I don't know.  I feel all this pressure inside that started this week and I feel like like I'm about to explode.  Like I don't know what to do.  I'm 36 now and ever since I could remember, I always felt different, like very girlish and wishing I was a girl.  I used to fantasize about waking up fully female/or what life would be like as a girl almost every night before bed.  I don't know.  I've hid it for years but now, for some reason, these last few weeks, I feel like I can't keep this feeling in anymore.  I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm super antsy, very uncomfortable, and just I don't know.

I'm about to set something up with a GI counselor to figure things out but I needed to vent find out where I need to go or what I need to do.  I don't even know if I'm truly transgendered or just losing my mind.  ARRGGG, wow, I have no idea where all this came from.  This pressure, this back and forth feeling, this confusion! 

If anyone went through this, please share.  I would love to hear you thoughts.

Hey Autumnleaf

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Not a silly subject at all, I think you'll find the majority of us have been at that exact same point at one stage or another of our lives. It's good you're going to talk to a counsellor - I hope that helps give you some more clarity about yourself and the steps to take. Check out the forum, see if it answers some questions or ask if it doesn't.

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Cheers

Grace

It's good that you're seeing a therapist.  They will be able to help you.  You came to the right place here, too.  [emoji4]

Your feelings are very normal.  I think many of us have felt like exploding at some point.  If you've kept all these feelings bottled up, at some point you won't be able to take the pressure, no matter what the issue is.  Gender is a tough one because there's no one answer.  You'll need to decide, but a good therapist will help guide you.

Good luck!  Remember you are not alone.

Hey Autumnleaf,

Welcome, see you have had the official welcome to our wonderful place of information and friends.

No you are not silly... some know early like in pre-teens, some find out much later in life, some manage it over many years until it can't be managed anymore, like me, others immediately action, some are happy to just co-exist for ever... there is a whole lot of factors, like family, your own surety, upbringing etc... It is good that you are seeing a gender therapist.... I didn't as I knew from the get go, also didn't have to get on HRT, however there are other area's that will force the need very soon... but not on who I am but how I proceed finally.

I wish you well on your first appointment and you journey regardless of outcome, direction and decisions. Remember you are not alone we are all here to help and comfort you 

Hugs

Katy

Thank you Grace and Chigirl,

It's so weird because I've always felt "not right" with things but I just kinda dealt with it and lived life.  But I don't know.  Just like all of a sudden, I'm super ansty and confused.  Like it all just hit me.  It's quite frightening and I hope, well I don't know what to hope for.

So about how many gender counselors have you seen before you found the right one?  There seems to be a few but I've heard that you want to avoid the ones that are pushing HRT too quickly. 

Thank you for the kind words Katy,

I think I've always kinda known but I had a pretty strict upbringing where men were men and women were, well tougher than men.  (Asian Tiger mom.)  I just don't know what I want.  If that makes sense.  Kinda of like, I want to go through HRT, ffs, and eventually srs and have thought about it many times in the past but never took action.  Now, I'm not sure what to do. 

The future is really scary so thank you for all the support.

I was at the exact same point a couple of years ago, and I remember thinking that transition was just too scary to consider. Then I thought about the alternative, of who I would become in 10 years if I did nothing, and that scared me even more, because it was a life I didn't want or identify with.

I sometimes wonder if people are forced further into gender roles as we get older. Jobs, family, a loss of youthful looks and increasingly masculine features, they can all weigh down on a person and make dysphoria worse. I think that was some of the problem for me; I was changing physically into this depressed, worn out Middle aged man and it terrified me. I felt like I was being taken further away from my true self.

You're doing the right thing by facing up to this and exploring it with a therapist. You have to be happy, you've got a lot of time ahead of you. Good luck 

Quote from: Autumnleaf on March 09, 2015, 10:38:18 PM
Thank you for the kind words Katy,

I think I've always kinda known but I had a pretty strict upbringing where men were men and women were, well tougher than men.  (Asian Tiger mom.)  I just don't know what I want.  If that makes sense.  Kinda of like, I want to go through HRT, ffs, and eventually srs and have thought about it many times in the past but never took action.  Now, I'm not sure what to do. 

The future is really scary so thank you for all the support.

I attempted to many times before, in the dark ages you had to be hetero, or be a total outcast, then it was kids, etc....

I needed to go onto HRT immediately, in my mind I had made the decision to progress, I needed to see the changes in me, validate myself to a degree prior to going on into full transition, although (age wise) not sure if I'll complete with GRS/SRS... But certainly some facial surgery, voice (if I can't get it right with training) and AA shaving... Oh and of course laser/electro on face and neck, more likely the latter due to grey / lighter hair.

It does take a lot of thought process, it ain't easy... There are a lot of hurdles, but I believe the outcome far outweighs the getting there... Although there certainly are highlights on the way... Soft skin, body shape changes, breasts etc...  all wonderful experiences, as all would attest too.

Hugs

Katy

So I figure I do a quick up date.  I just talked to a GI therapist and after talking to her, I felt soooo much better! OMG, I don't even know how to explain it.  It's such a odd and invigorating feeling to finally tell someone and in a way, hear yourself admit who you really are.  I felt I was in such a bad place until I spoke to her.  I already made a decision in my heart and know what I'm going to do!

I have a question though, how much and how fast does HRT change you?  I work in a very masculine field of work and although physically, I not big (5'8, 146lbs), don't have super masculine face (When I dress up and do my makeup just right, I'm ALMOST passable.)  I'm seen as being very masculine and I feel like I'm forcing myself to act masculine (kinda like I'm putting on a show for my audience.)  I'm constantly monitoring how my hands, feet, legs, and neck/head movements are viewed as.  I think I might be able to hide my body somewhat (Lets just say I wear a bulletproof vest) but I'm worried that I might be outed.  I've been telling people that I might have a long standing medical condition and kinda mentioned that one of the side effects is getting frail, loss of muscle mass, weakness of bone density, yada yada.

In fact, I'm super worried I might be outed after a few months on HRT.  I've already scheduled laser hair removal for facial hair too so yeah.  I plan on being with the company for another 2 years before I leave and during that time, I'll be on HRT.  Does anyone have any interesting stories/experience with this.  I've been stressing out thinking about everything so....Help! 

Welcome to Susan's,
I am late on this but just wanted to say hi.
Therapy saved me in fact I almost transitioned at 30 then raised my family and now 25 years later full time
I lived with GD every day of my life.
Be come truly honest with yourself and ur therapist and u will find yourself
If u choose to transition there are so many amazing folks here to help
I love everyone here and have been blessed to be part of these forums
Thinking of you.
For me , accepting myself freed me to love others so much
Relax and enjoy the ride kiddo
Dodie

Thank you Dodie,

I've read a lot of posts that you wrote in and just wanted to say thank you, you and many others gave me so much insight.  I'm 36 going on 37 and I feel like I'm too old to transition.  (Not that it's going to stop me of course.) Just wish I would have started sooner, I don't know.  It's so scary because I don't know what to expect from the future.  I know that I definitely have to change careers before I can come out and probably have to end quite a few friendships. 

I finally accepted who I am and I really don't know how I feel, like my emotions are all over the place, (And I'm not even on hormones yet!) Like, screaming, crying, then becoming really happy.  Is this normal?

Your questions are asked frequently, unfortunately there is no firm answer so I have to talk in generalities.

Generally, hormones do very little, but they change so many things just a little bit, that it may become noticeable.

Breast growth may be your biggest tell, then, eventually fat migration and muscle atrophy. So much of being female is an act. Makeup is an act. Hair is an act. Posture is an act. Clothing is an act. Voice is an act.

If you avoid these things, people will likely see you as you present, which would be male.

I tend to present very androgynously. When I do, I am typically gendered male. I currently reside in a place with almost zero trans rights so I do this for self protection. I prefer presenting female. But the hormones, and keeping my alcohol intake to a minimum quell my dysphoria and allow me to survive this way. That and coming out to everyone who is close to me.

I have stopped trying to me ultra masculine. It is funny, transition has made me secure in my masculinity so I no longer feel the need to force it. I just am who I am. People like me more. But I do long for a day when I feel right about going full time. Also my boobs are impossible to hide. Hehehe. People see moobs if you act like a guy. They aren't. They are boobs.

Hormones are no joke and you will change in unexpected ways. If they are working for you, you will know it quickly. Probably within a couple of months you will be sure. In that new mindset, don't be surprised if you just want to go full time, or any number of other unexpected turns. It is a wild ride and many of the physical changes will be permanent.

I hope you also have friends/family you can talk to about this. It helps.

Anyway, welcome to Susan's. We are here for you. Keep us posted.

P.S. I am 39 and started at 37. You are fine age wise.

Ugh
Ok for me being female is no act. I am very natural and did not have to learn to be a chick
Once I started hormones and became the real me I just had suttle changes occur
Also hormones can do a lot
Expect to become a little immature but u will be going through a second puberty
How I am different
I dance a lot at parties and feel natural
I have hips and boobs even though they are not huge but still growing
Much hair on my body has changed yea!!
Skin changed
My fingers got skinny and look fem
I swear I am at least half inch shorter
My voice did change but not enough
I did work out a lot and still do to shape my body
And I am almost 56 starting just 14 months ago
I have people in my circle ask how I learned to be so naturally fem and I say it just happened it's no act for me at all
Some gay men are so outwardly overdoing it and why I don't know why  it they do and it seems silly and I am not saying that is bad
Anyway I know everyone is different but for me I am a chick like totally and free from my male prison
I am just a girl, when I roll my eyes it's natural and the way I gesture is natural it's no act
So expect wonderful things the key is becoming who u are
I just happen to be a fairly natural girl
Actually I am kind of a hippy girl that loves classic R and B
With love
Dodie

Sorry Dodie, I mean "Act" by its definition.

Being trans is not an act for me.

I have simply taken action to express gender. It is undeniable. In both directions, I have acted.

I AM female.

Hi Autumnleaf,

<-------- I'm 36 years old. I have just started. I came here last year after 32 odd years of so of just trying to keep that girl (me) locked up inside of him. Eventually I took a big blow torch and cut my way out. I'm not fully escaped yet but I will be!

There are ups and downs but I haven't regretted a minute of not denying my true self.

Some people aren't supportive, most people are. Some people think I'm a joke, but joke's on them! I'm happy with who I am.

My therapist is a great support but I have also found the support here to be totally amazing. I have made some good friends too, both on and off here.

Welcome!

Quote from: Autumnleaf on March 13, 2015, 11:24:44 PM

I have a question though, how much and how fast does HRT change you?

That really depends on the individual. I have some changes happening really fast and others not so fast at all.

Within a few months though you will see changes. How much and how fast is very variable.

QuoteI work in a very masculine field of work and although physically, I not big (5'8, 146lbs), don't have super masculine face (When I dress up and do my makeup just right, I'm ALMOST passable.)  I'm seen as being very masculine and I feel like I'm forcing myself to act masculine (kinda like I'm putting on a show for my audience.)  I'm constantly monitoring how my hands, feet, legs, and neck/head movements are viewed as.  I think I might be able to hide my body somewhat (Lets just say I wear a bulletproof vest) but I'm worried that I might be outed.  I've been telling people that I might have a long standing medical condition and kinda mentioned that one of the side effects is getting frail, loss of muscle mass, weakness of bone density, yada yada.

Oh I used to wear a vest (former LEO) so I know what you're talking about. I still have body armor and it will conceal my chest well but my face is what gives me away to people.

QuoteIn fact, I'm super worried I might be outed after a few months on HRT.  I've already scheduled laser hair removal for facial hair too so yeah.  I plan on being with the company for another 2 years before I leave and during that time, I'll be on HRT.  Does anyone have any interesting stories/experience with this.  I've been stressing out thinking about everything so....Help! 

I present as a guy at work and everyone still calls me by my male name and pronouns. Some people suspect things but for the most part I am fine.

Hormones are a prime example of Your Mileage May Vary. A very rare few won the gene pool lottery, the rest of us are just thankful for whatever physical changes take place over the good 2 years or more it really takes. However, the physical changes are far outweighed by the emotional benefits. That is the real magic of HRT.

Attitude is 90% of "Passing". Up untill my attitude towards myself changed all I ever saw was "Some guy in a dress". These days I mostly see a pretty good looking woman. Especially for an old bag like me

Thank you Kate!

It's been kinda crazy the last few weeks.  It's really nice to know that there are so many people here that have/or is going through the same things I am.  I've read quite a bit of posts so far and so many feel like "Bam!"  They described EXACTLY how I felt/gone through.  It's eerie.  I realized that I'm not crazy, that I'm not going to be miserable forever. 

Anyway,

I've always had a slim frame and had to work really hard for years to become lean and muscular.  It helped with my male persona but I've hated my body and I think once I start HRT, I'm afraid that my body will lose muscle mass too quickly, which would become really noticeable at work since I change in a locker room with lots of other guys.  (I think this is all in my head though.)  I don't know, I want the changes to happen quickly, but not so quickly that I would have to quit my job before my plan to leave within two years.

You said that the face gives you away, what do you mean?  What changes have you noticed?

Thanks!

Quote from: Autumnleaf on March 15, 2015, 12:00:38 AM

You said that the face gives you away, what do you mean?  What changes have you noticed?

Thanks!

General rounding, fat distribution and hair that is removed from electro and laser.

The biggest shock was when I read to my kids class and they referred to me as mrs and not mr.

The one thing I have realized at this point is how easy it was to be a guy
I look back and thing dang if only I had just been a guy
But I am female all the freaking way
I had so much to lose. The perfect wife for 33 years
I look back and think how much fun I had as a dude but I know I suffered every day of my life with GD
So if u start transition think how lucky u are at ur age
I am 56 this month and I would not go back to being a dude and don't regret transition
So enjoy it but also know that for me being a chick totally complicated my life
But all chicks lives are more complicated than dudes especially if u are super girly
All that being said it's so nice to be cured of GD
Dodie