If this is not the right place, forgive me, and by all means, any mod can move it or whatnot.
Hi, I REALLY require guidance from minds who have been there or understand or just opinions of any helpful voice. I'm obviously very new here. Let me explain a couple things. You can call me Alana because I've loved that name for I don't know six or seven years now. I'm 24 as of Feb. I've grown up in America's Middle East (Deep South, Heart of Dixie). From the moment I exited the womb, I was indoctrinated into being a Baptist. Basically my mind was shaped and washed into believing everything. My whole family is ultra religious, ultra conservative Christians. I've personally never heard one "unfit" word for a Christian to utter come from my parents. No one knows that my mouth is indeed very "secular." Lest they think poorly of their only son who they can be so proud of as a strong, Christian young man... I'm sorry if this background is too much.
I'll get back on point even though that all has strong tug of war syndromes on my mind. I still have a faith and follow the philosophy of Jesus, but that will never be enough for them... I've been a very sad, depressed, lonely and basically alone individual since somewhere between 15-17. I've tried to block out my past as much as I could. I'm trying to paint myself, who I really am, my mind and all that for best help. Yes, I know I could probably use therapy, multiple kinds. Believe me, one of the first things I'm doing once I move out to Cali in late July will be finding a good gender therapist. I jumped the gun. I hardly speak: shy, bashful, timid, introvert, etc, etc. I write paragraphs when I speak with words; I speak in fragments vocally... I'm trying to be more outgoing, just not my good nature. My best friend who I call my sister is trying to get me a job out there for once it is time to leave. She is also going to drive cross country to liberate me. She is too good to me when I do nothing but cry and complain to her. I'm an unworthy future roomie...
Okay back on point sorry... From what I can recall, I was a normal boy with normal friends doing normal boy things until I lost all my friends around age 15... Things started hitting at once... I realized how obese and lazy an individual I had become. I lost all my friends(4 who lived around me; 2 in my youth group at church) who were my only friends at the same time. I homeschooled... no more real life friends. My depression began then with all my negative things taking hold and has never left... I hope escaping this place eases up that burden.
Okay this time, I'm getting to the point. 15: I began to feel something might not be right with me but mostly ignored it until I decided to try very minimal crossdressing in secret. Yes, I liked the feeling of it, and it "excited" me. It also felt right though, and I just generally liked wearing it. it was a good feeling. I did it kind of off and on for a little while. I did it even less through 16-18. In those years, I kept feeling a progression in my mind, weird feelings and feeling out of place, uncomfortable even, and more than just "out of place in the world." 19: I finally formulated my own ideals and thoughts and not let Christianity dictate things to me. I will always hate myself for feeling the way I did towards LGBT when I had no understanding except the mantra of everything "ungodly" which is: "it is sin." 19-22: This is when I just came to being fascinated with women and everything they had struggled for throughout history and just feeling like women are so much more amazing to me then men. I started to think and wish I was one, wish I had been born a girl. 23: Just everything about females had become amazing to me. I don't mean any of that in strict sexual and romantic terms either. I also started to realize that I hate my born gender as the world sees me and that I'm part of. Which leads into 24...
I truly apologize for length. If anyone actually reads all this because of caring nature and desire to aid, I can't express my gratitude enough. I'll try to wrap this up now with my mental struggles over the past almost two months now and my fluctuations and my fears. I thought maybe I was gender fluid, but now I have come to accept my strong feminine side. Still living in this Christian home of my parents, I am a broken, suppressed, repressed and silent person who keeps the status quo. I'm growing my hair out now because I want longer hair to go to a stylist to in Cali and try to find what feminine styles I like or whatnot. I grow my nails out until my mom says: "Your hands look like a woman's! Go trim your nails already." That kind of makes me squeal with joy inside. If they knew me, my mind of today... they would have me committed. I hate the South, this place... the people. It might be important to say: last year, I secretly bought feminine clothing, primarily lots of panties for myself. They were helping me feel better a little bit. My parents violated my privacy while I was gone and raided my room... Yep, 23 and subject to that... They sat me down after they cried for a while because their hearts were broken that I was gay... If I am gay, I'm a lesbian, but still... I get violated yet I have to be the bad one... I had to live with shame and guilt for a long while... No one will read this. I just keep adding more and getting off point... I'm seriously so sorry.
I have come to understand that I must be female inside. I hate being a male. I would change my body to female in an instant and never even ask if changing back is an option if that kind of magic existed. I think would very much enjoy feeling the effects of HRT on my mind and all inside. I would be in love if I could look in the mirror to see my body fat redistributed properly. I can be patient with the growth of my breasts that would be awesome to watch develop. I want to wear my hair in feminine ways. I want to get rid of pretty much all the hair on my body. I want to train my voice to right pitch and junk. I want to be able to start learning makeup application on myself, to paint my fingers and toes, to wear whatever clothes I want. I want to be a her and not a he. I feel like that could help my issues and improve myself to be, dare I say it... happy.
I feel like I should have been born with the body to match... But here is the thing, the kicker: I am completely afraid and confused. I've spent too much time in denial of who I may be over the last 30 days or so. I've read so much and been doing lots of research, both the kind that uplifts and sways to hope and the kind that brings down and makes afraid. Here we go to what I really have been trying to get to, my questions:
I understand each individual is unique and will respond differently with everything but I've noticed a common thing that seems to be something you can expect which scares me completely to the point of no longer wanting to keep HRT as an option... LIBDO. Now, okay... as this female in this male shell, I have basically zero life experience. I've never had a relationship, yup, never a girlfriend, never a first first kiss... So add that into the equation as you wish to. Now while I do wish I had been born with a vulva, I have few issues with my penis. I mean I could end up giving SRS much more serious thought down the road much further into transition if I walk that path but as of now, I'm okay with it. And thus being okay with it, I like its functionality. I don't care about losing the ability to procreate, banking sperm is an option. I don't want to lose the ability to get strong erections and that sounds like a given which is pushing me away from wanting HRT. That was a weird way to word a question but that was one.
Another one: Is it possible to be trans and not go through the motions and find a place of zen eventually even if it is not a full place? Am I going to be looked at as a freak in every community if I want to be a female but try to work with what I got? I'm not a queen, crossdresser, ->-bleeped-<-, or whatever... I want to be the she I know I am, but society won't accept that I guess... I could try playing male in public and unleashing me behind closed doors? Still... if I walk around with clearly feminine hair and nails, I'll still get glances... How common are the risks involved with HRT if you follow everything correctly? I can't get past the "taming of the penis" thing... I don't want that. At least, right now where I am in this stage, I do not. One last question: How common are hypoplastic tubular breasts and how long do they persists if they form?
In closing, I'm very sorry for this length, but I appreciate every single person who does get through this all to help me. You are more awesome than I can describe. I know what I must do. I must go have some sessions with a good gender therapist once I get to Cali to further my understanding and follow guidance. I also think I should spend some time in private as feminized as I can get to, and I definitely plan to do that. Isn't that what you are supposed to do anyway? Real life test thing? All of this is out of my control until I get to Cali. I need to stop having these fits of confusion, anger, sadness... I hate over thinking and these panic strikes...
Thank you to all of you in advance if you get through this
With Appreciation, Alana