Yesterday I went out at night with my brother and his friends. I'm not friends with my brother's friends as I can't really relate to men and they all think I'm the queerest thing eva, which is true. But they can be nice.

What really bothers me is how men talk about women. I feel like an alien in guy groups, first because I like men, so it's tricky but, second, men talk about women in such a way it's not even funny. The objectification. The boobs. Everything. Basically if you're a young, pretty woman that's all you're ever gonna be: an object. At least to men and society in general. I'm sorry, I'm not saying women are not only valuable for their looks, however society in general values one thing and foremost for girls: beauty. If you're pretty, you don't even have to accomplish anything, you're fine. As a man you always have to prove yourself, though. At the least the masculinity thing that irks me, ugh. Seriously masculinity, if we're talking about the macho latino thing, it ain't really desirable. I, for one, wouldn't want my man to talk trash of women and objectify me and talk sweet to me just because he wants sex, think I have to cook and clean for him. UGH. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a feminist.

But then again men are basically educated to be douches. Not always. But it seems culture really encourages to be just sex-hungry beings. And guys have feelings too. If a man admits to loving a woman, he'll often be teased in such a way and his feelings trivialized in such a way. It's so reducing. UGH machismo.

Anyway, there were so many cute guys at the party. I wish I could have talked to one. But I'm far from pretty and the thing is I still present male, ugh, and even if I wanted to date, who would date me? Gay guys. Oh yeah forget it. Gays guys want a masculine dude and I'm not masculine by any means. I'm slim, short and I sound like a girl. Maybe bi? Like I don't know. OMG I am so confused. But seriously if femininity wouldn't be so looked down upon, there wouldn't be so much pressure to conform and to be masculine as a guy. There just wouldn't and probably lotsa of feminine gay boys would find a boyfriend and be happy and wouldn't be talked to as if they're dirt, same for butch lesbians.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my life is really difficult as a boy and not by choice. Sometimes I think that I wouldn't be trans if I wasn't so femmey, but, uh, that's realm of sci-fic. I am trans after all and this won't change. How would I find a job as boy who sounds like a girl, acts like a girl, everything, mannerisms. How will I get a boyfriend? How will I live as a boy if I don't transition? GOD I can't imagine being myself 30 years from now living as a man,. probs balding, beardy and addicted to drugs or something. I need my parents to support my transition...but they won't. IDK, maybe they will come around. My mom commented on my hair yesterday and said it's looking great on me...But I never know with my mom. I better expect the worst and hope for the best. That's all I can do

I guess my point is that knowing early is not all rainbow and butterflies and comes with a lot of sorrow, frustration and isolation too. Many will say I'm lucky. "ohh you know so young, you will pass so well, etc etc". But IDK. I don't see myself as privileged. I don't think being beaten for being a queer is priviliged. Or have people in HS not talk to me. Having to sit alone for lunch. Being always last chosen for PE, having no group for work projects and teachers doing nothing. Not one time in 3 years of HS did I have a group. I always had to beg for people to include me in their group, basically. It was horrible. And besides guys get this weird vibe from me and I'm automatically othered. I get along much better with girls. I always see around here members saying "I was feminine, but I hid it" and I genuinely don't get. What? How does someone hide that? Can somebody explain it to me? Because I would have if I could, and it failed. Miserably. I've struggled all this time for my opinions to be heard and taken seriously in real life because I was so obviously different.

Transition for me is a big deal because it would allow me to be me. Correct the feelings of body wrongness, but mainly social isolation. I would be a normal chick. For that I need to pass and possibly be stealth to those who don't know me. Stealth is not criticizable if it's just to people who don't know you, IMO. We have to do whatever we have to lead our life in the best we can, and you don't have to be an activist and visible to defend trans rghts. You can write bblogs, help people by counseling and you don't have to be visible. So I don't get why some people get so angry at trans women who chose to live in a stealthy way. It's honestly what I want too. Though, my man would know. Trust is confidence for a relationship, yep.

I have a meeting with a gender therapist soon. I finally scheduled. So that's progress.

I don't know. Anyone have any thoughts? I just wanted to share.

Quote from: Auroramarianna on March 23, 2015, 05:51:06 PM
I have a meeting with a gender therapist soon. I finally scheduled. So that's progress.

This is a good thing. I hope they are helpful and that you are able to open up to them.

Also, guys often talk trash about women when they are with their male friends and no other women are around. It's something I never felt comfortable about either.

Quote from: Auroramarianna on March 23, 2015, 05:51:06 PMmen talk about women in such a way it's not even funny. The objectification. The boobs. Everything. Basically if you're a young, pretty woman that's all you're ever gonna be: an object.

This is why I can't get along with men. I've never been comfortable with that kind of talk...which is why about 90% of my coworkers think I'm secretly gay.  they're shooting a little left of centre there, but I digress.

So agree Auroramarianna with Guys talk, I could never handle it, often turned to opting to get drinks or just wandering... Hated it... Even more so given who I am.

Good you getting to a therapist, will be good for you

L Katy 

i agree with Auroramarianna, i just had my mothers birthday party and had a great time, but so stuff my brother and dad was saying was disgusting. but men will be like that they are raised up to be like that.

and good luck Auroramarianna.

hugs

Ash

Can't tar all men with the same brush. I know a lot of men that are deeply devoted to their wives and families and have long since outgrown the sort of behavior you're talking about.

But yes, it's scary how sociopathic some men sound when they talk about women.

One of the things that helped me realize I am trans is just how out of place I feel in masculine environments and the total disconnect I feel between myself and men when many men talk about women in the way that many of do. I understand the whole sex-constantly-on-the-mind thing, it would be quite okay if didn't come with the misogyny and the double standard that women must be presentable at all times while men an be slobs at least part time and can still expect to be treated as sexually desirable. For the record, I would prefer that standards be raised for men, instead of lowered for women (nobody should wear pajamas to to the store outside of extenuating circumstances, nobody should ever wear Duck Dynasty anything for any reason, Axe body spray is not a shower in a can, and nobody should ride scooters around the store without a legitimate medical reason except for the purposes of racing or bumper cars )

I think you really are lucky to know so young.  Yes, high school can suck big time but you know what, it'll pass.  Honestly, I was really effeminate when I was younger but had to learn (more like forced) to be masculine as I grew up.  By the time I graduated high school, I joined the army, got married, had a baby, become a cop, fought in amateur mixed martial arts competitions, and I dont' know, I tried so hard to not be the real me!  By the age of 26 or 27, I was constantly thinking about committing suicide, and I was still married at that time.  I think the only thing that stopped me was my daughter.

All my life I felt like I had to hide who I was because I was so ashamed of being me.  I wish I knew what it really was because then, I wouldn't have wasted so much time.  I'm now 36, going on 37 and starting on HRT next month.  You're so young, I think you're blessed in a way because you still have the rest of your life to live as the real you! 

Quote from: Auroramarianna on March 23, 2015, 05:51:06 PM
What really bothers me is how men talk about women. I feel like an alien in guy groups, first because I like men, so it's tricky but, second, men talk about women in such a way it's not even funny. The objectification. The boobs. Everything.

Once You get out of social circle where You are forced into because of a) family, b) education, c) other institutional stuff, and can finally start picking out Your acquaintances and friends - it will get better. Yes, I too hated all that trash talk in HS locker rooms and took no part in it (and learned years later that my classmates were thinking I was gay... lol. They never said that into my face though). Later, when I became semi-independent, I found the social circle (both male and female) I was finally comfortable with - and no wonder it was not a mainstream group. Also, I was always extremely picky - I had just a few friends and lots and lots of acquaintances. And none of my male friends ever talked that crap about women - well, I noticed them checking out random girls (was always rolling my eyes mentally), but at least they kept their mouths shut - and even more, they would be the first ones to interrupt someone who would start trash talking about women. And the funny part was, that my true male friends had no issues when I came out to them - they were genuinely surprised but accepted me for who I am (and they dont talk any crap to me  - they are very polite now, but they tend to assume that now they are better at doing various random things...).

I have to admit I have spent the weekend with two lovely men, great friends and I was treated with uttermost respect.
But they are men who respect women and don't have the hangups that some young guys have.

So yes there are lots of intelligent nice men.

Having spent twenty years working in the motor trade before I finally stopped pretending to be a man left me with a very jaundiced view of males in general.  BUT all men aren't like that fortunately, - a fact that took me a little while to learn after I became ME and stopped living a lie.

Bullying, being the odd one out in school, - tell me about it (sigh) and I didn't have a clue what made me different and a target to be picked on back then.  Auroramarianna, at least you know who you are, believe me when I say spending thirty years living a lie is no fun either.

I can relate to your situation in that you are at the moment.
I was already taking hormones in my early teens and that obviously hindered my body to masculinize and made me even more feminine. But i kept it for myself and i still had to act and dress manly (I wasn't even allowed to do my eyebrows, because of my conservative family).
In the mean time, i had to have male friends like you do and let me tell you, it was horrible how they treated me. They called me ->-bleeped-<-, ->-bleeped-<-, sissy, princess and most preferred slut. They even forced me to do sexual things with them and keep in mind that some of them already did finish puberty and i was still 12 or 13.
After a while i "unfriended" them and found myself some female friends and spend most of my time with them.
After my parents got divorced i outed myself to my mom, then to my siblings and finally to my dad. My life went from really bad with daily suicidal thoughts to an almost perfect life with zero thoughts on ending my life by myself.

With that being said, I think transitioning should be your first priority. After a while your family is either going to accept you or not. If not who cares if you can live your life how you wanted to? They are going to be the ones who lose, not you!
I wish you luck and hope that you can archieve your goals

wooow...I never expected so many responses to my rambling. Anyway, oh, yeah, everybody thinks I'm gay too, which is like whatevs, I like men after all, they just don't know I will transition. I already pluck my eyebrows, growing hair out, shave legs, armpits, so yeah... I'm kind of vain but I don't consider myself pretty. Not by any means.

I feel like transition is the only way I can find love. Society and people don't like feminine males. This is not the only reason, but it's a powerful one that motivates me to just do it. Most of times, I feel ugly and unloveable and that isn't normal...it's ingrained in my self being. No guy would want me the way I am now, eva. This is the harsh true. I don't know, many of the members here have seen my pics and I got compliments, but I don't know...I think I'll be an ugly girl. Which is fine. Or not. If I was pretty, I could compensate being trans.

And then I have my mother who holds me back 24/7. She knows I do hair removal since I'm like 15 but she won't buy me what I need. Actually my mother pretty much acts nice everytime and if I am angry at her: "OMG what happened? why are you like that?" when in family therapy she will say things she'll never support me and that if I go on "sex change journey", as she puts it, I will be going alone. OMG I love ya mom. ugh go eff yourself.