Hi,
I'm now 43 married to a wife I love and 3 young kids, the past year I've discovered , well I think I'm suffering from GenderDysphoria and currently talking it over with a counsellor, shes saying I should try and find some balance between my female and male sides of my persona , I've tried but its so hard. As soon as I dress feminine and I feel totally connected with all aspects of my self then when I stop It feels so bad being male again. I would love to transition but there are just so many variables to consider being married with children and I have a good job and to wreck everything, Argggh can drive a person mad

I'm just looking for advice or just thoughts from others who are or have been in this situation.

Thanks
Amy

If it helps all my children wanted to know was that I still loved them.  When I said yes they were quite happy and went back to playing again.  Twenty two years later my now adult children are still my best friends and greatest supporters.

Hi Amy,

I'm married with 3 kids as well.

It's not as hard as you think, however there will be some challenges.

Acceptance by your own family is the biggest obstacle I have found. My wife doesn't accept at all and we are likely to split. The kids on the other hand are OK with me. They ask questions but their love for me isn't diminished in any way.

Anything you need to know, ask.

Im sorry to hear that Kate about your wife, I'm sure my kids would still love me but my fear is that I will split up the family home, my parents divorced when I was about 12 and I so don't want to put my kids through that, I guess I can keep on going around in circles and keep up an act some of the time but its surviving the down days which Im finding tricky. My wife is fine with my dressing and have freemdom that way if done away from home, Oh why can't I be happy with that. Must try a bit harder maybe.

I feel for you.
I was 43 and seemingly having it all: wife, young daughter, house + cottage, VP with a six figure income.
I rolled the dice thinking I couldn't live a lie anymore. I told my ex of my angst and confusion.
We separated, and I sought counselling with a wonderful gender therapist. The more I saw her, the more I knew.
We divorced a year later. That was 2008.
I've not seen my ex or daughter since.
Like I said, I thought they'd be ok, but my ex is or was embarrassed by me.
I've moved on with my life, entering into a new relationship, new career, new outlook.
It's been seven years and I miss my daughter, but for my own sanity, I had to.
My bro and sis have disowned me. F them!
I now realize a lot of the things I prized ie. Car, golf memberships, retirement, cottage, vacations - those bring comfort but little joy.

I'd rather be where I am today and knowing I'm true to myself.

I hope things turn out better for you.

Quote from: AmyRiver on March 25, 2015, 12:11:28 PM
Im sorry to hear that Kate about your wife, I'm sure my kids would still love me but my fear is that I will split up the family home, my parents divorced when I was about 12 and I so don't want to put my kids through that, I guess I can keep on going around in circles and keep up an act some of the time but its surviving the down days which Im finding tricky. My wife is fine with my dressing and have freemdom that way if done away from home, Oh why can't I be happy with that. Must try a bit harder maybe.

My parents split when I was 10. It was hard but it was harder to have them constantly fighting.

In my case I really couldn't survive unless I had full transition. I really really really wanted to end it all multiple times. I guess I could have not transitioned and eventually reach my breaking point, and then realize I had to transition or kill myself. So I figure sooner better than later.

Having started transition I am so much happier with myself now, and the proof is in the pudding. I have lost weight, my health is better than it has been in a long while and everyone says I look better, and younger.

As for dressing up, it did a lot for me but I felt really depressed as the clothes never really fit right. Now they more or less do and it feels great. Plus I've had the mental effects of hormone therapy which probably has affected me to some degree. It's hard to tell though. Now I dress more or less full time, except at work (and the kids school) which I'm dealing with sooner rather than later. She didn't know about me dressing up until I told her. She didn't know about the trans thing until I told her either. I was surprised because I thought I was sending out signals.

My brothers are fully supportive as is my mom. My father stopped talking to me but I am just letting him be until he eventually comes around. He can't stay mad at me forever.

And truth be told while I love my wife I am realizing that what I want now is something different, perhaps to fully live as a heterosexual woman. She has stopped being intimate with me anyway. But I still love her as a friend and a parent of my kids so I'm hoping any split will be amicable and we will have a good arrangement with the kids. She may want primary custody but there is absolutely no way she can handle 3 of them by herself. So we have to probably come to some sort of arrangement.

Our kids also attend Catholic school and i'm really wondering how to deal with that. I hope they don't tell us to pull them out (which I'll be fully blamed for, of course) because they like it there. But I have to face reality that not everyone will accept me for who I am.

In the end you have to decide what is good for you. However I can completely understand taking into account the relationship with your wife and kids. I really do get it. Honestly if I could cure the dysphoria without transition I may have taken a serious look if it would keep things sane. But now that the genie (me) is out of the bottle? I kind of doubt it.

My kids adjusted pretty well to my transition. Kids tend to be inwardly focused - If it doesn't affect them directly, they're not concerned.

My wife, not so much. We ended up divorcing after 20 years of marriage.

I had to accept that I can only control what I need to do, not my wife's reaction to it, and that I was no good as either a spouse or a parent if I had to live as someone else other than who I am.

It's not easy.  I'm 40 and came out to my wife and 14 year old daughter 2 months ago.  My wife and I had been having marital problems for years and I thought, we'll, this will end the marriage for sure.  I was most worried she wouldn't believe me.   She surprised me and tried to understand.  We went through weeks of ups and downs, understanding then anger.  She called me a home and tried to hit me.  She threatened to out me on Facebook.  But she also said she couldn't live without me and would try to understand.  It took a hospitalization for her to move forward.  (She swallowed some pills).   Now she's willing to do whatever she needs to keep us together.  I have mixed feelings.  I care about her, but we have so many other problems that predate my coming out, I don't know if there's enough stability.

It can work.  It sounds like your wife isn't completely against it, but I recommend giving her time.  Maybe print out some material for her to read at her leisure. 

I would also recommend finding a true gender therapist.  If you're seriously considering transition, they will help you.

Good luck and hugs! Remember you are not alone.

Bless you @muffinheart your a strong women

Good luck to you and follow your heart ☺

I find that when a mtf (I will not speak for ftm due to lack of sample data from my experience) to comes out to her wife, separation and divorce is a common result, just from my interaction with mtf trans* people on and off the internet.  The kids tend to be a variable; they are, IMHO, more open minded and not as averse to the gender identity issues as I (and likely WE) think/thought.

However, there are cases where coming out to your wife and kids do not produce estranged relationships.  There are some on this forum, myself included, that have transitioned over 40 with wife and kids and remain married and with their children.  I think each scenario is unique and I would be a fool to attempt to predict someone's end result of coming out.  Like Muffinheart, I lost my bro and sis, and certainly did not expect that.  And yes, F them.   My wife and I have been married 24 years and are besties, and were before I transitioned.  My kids were in high school and college when we told them.  If I told my kids earlier in their life would things be different?  If I told my wife early in our marriage would things be different?  If I were no longer attracted to my wife because she is female would that make a difference?  I think the answer to all of those questions is yes.

Having said all of that I have to tell you it was the best thing I have done for myself in my life, save for marrying my wife.  No regrets. 

Your experience may vary, though.

Quote from: Angela84 on March 25, 2015, 01:44:22 PM
Bless you @muffinheart your a strong women

Ty Angela

Okay I'm not trying to judge but I never get when people say "female personna" or "male personna", like alter-egos? Because I am just me and all my life people have told me I am different and, ugh, "too sensitive" and basically I was treated differently than an heteronormative guy would be and got different expectations placed on me. When people here say "female personna", do you mean you have another "personna" that is totally guy-acting and masculine which is the one you show to the external world? Because honestly, though I'm young and stupid, so feel free to just ignore this, I could see your transition becoming much harder if you have always presented as heteronormative guy. It's the different for the trans girl presented as queer boy for most of her life before transitioning because people could see her femininity and she would be othered, anyway. So transition can be life-saving for transgirls who pass and were feminine males before, as she has more opportunities as a woman than she ever did as man.

Second, does your wife know about your feelings? Have you discussed them at all, layed them onto the table? If you decide to transition and just outright tell her when there never was a warning, no signs, nothing, she could feel completely betrayed, leading to divorce. So I suggest you discuss your feelings with your wife before you take decision. Kids are great and much more flexible but marriages often come to an end. You have to consider what's more important and balance it all out. If you decide to transition, you may not have the best results as you're 43 but a lot can still be done. HOWEVER, you may lose your family. Especially if they never had a clue at all and this comes out of the blue. Could you deal with not passing? Losing your job?

sorry for the questions and sorry if it's harsh, I'm really just trying to help

I had two very young children 3 and 5 years old when I could no longer contain my feelings. I felt like I was a pervert (because my church told me I was) and the discussions every day about my problem went on and on and on. We both had very strong personalties. We didn't necessarily argue, but she needed answers. I got that. Unfortunately, I had no answers. Now there's lots of medical stuff out there you can point to. Back in the mid 80's there was nothing. I finally decided that if she was going to have a happy life at all, that she would stand the best chance if she were younger than older. I also knew that my children would be happier without the constant barrage I faced every day. I think I was 29 at the time. I got up one morning and told her that I couldn't do it anymore, packed my things and left. She found a great man to marry within two years and he's been such a wonderful father to my kids. I was best friends with her for two decades. She'd call and we'd talk for an hour twice a week. Quite honestly, I still love her. She was the love of my life. I see her once in a while. I live in another state so it's only when she visits my mother while I'm visiting for several weeks.

At first, I was not allowed to see my kids. But after a couple of years, she let me come see them and take them on trips. I was a lousy parent but I kept up my child support payments until they were 21. Yeah that was a lousy trick on me in the divorce. After the kids left home, I lost them for a bit. My son came around within a couple years. It took my daughter nearly 10. She called me two days before Christmas this past year to wish me a happy holiday. She knows I'm going through a divorce and she expressed her sincerest empathy.

Over the years, I always sent birthday and Christmas cards with a note about what I was doing and how much I loved and missed them. I wanted to make sure that they knew I had not completely abandoned them.

I think that I'll be moving back to (ghast) Utah to be near my family. I think everyone is okay with it now for the most part. But it has also been 28 years since I left the state. So, it can take time. I can't stand the thought of leaving my dream home near Yosemite to go back to live there. Yuck. But family is family and I truly do need them now.

Chin up!
Cindi