right so i have a letter for when i come out.

  Dear mom and dad, I know what you're about to read may be hard but this is how I've felt since about ten.


   When I was about ten I realized I wasn't like other boys, I had and have always been better friends with girls. At that age I wondered why I wasn't a girl, seeing the world I saw it was a harmful place and that anyone who was not 'normal' was shunned, I built a 'social mask' to shield me from them, to make me appear a boy (sometimes acting over masculine), I just wanted to fit in. Remember when I wanted to date (* girls name removed *), I thought maybe if I was with her these feelings would go away, maybe it was just a phase... they never went away.

   As I grew older it got harder to contain these feelings, all these questions with no answers or anyone to talk to, for years I felt depressed because I thought it was weird and that I just needed to keep to myself and close out the world. I never truly felt like I was in the right body, like I had the right software but the wrong hardware.

   I realize at this point you might have all sorts of questions/feelings; so did I. I felt depressed until about March 2015 when I found susans.org, a website for teens/adults to talk about their transgender problems, you may recall me asking March 25, 2015 about your opinion of transgender people, your answer made me so happy, but I was still worried, "What if they don't understand?", "What if they don't like my decisions?".I've kept these feelings bottled up for 16 years (March 2015 when I wrote this, I don't know when you receive it), painful, awkward, different, angry, sad, depressing feelings. The reason I was always so grumpy and mean was because I was in constant pain, well that and my misophonia (I'm full of problems).

   One day (like soon!) I hope to see a gender therapist, after 3 moths he/she can prescribe testosterone blockers and estrogen pills, my entire body will sort of go through a second puberty, I will grow (a to b cup reported by most people) natural breasts, the hormones will move various bits of fat where they need to go, the muscle I have will get weaker and smaller, I will probably lose one to two inches of height, my skin will get softer, I won't be able to grow facial hair after I get the laser hair removal surgery, my face's shape will change. After about 6 months to a year, if I can afford them, I will probably get FFS, Facial feminization Surgery, FFS will reconstruct my chin and facial bones to be more feminine, FVS, a surgery in which they tighten my vocal cords so they will produce a higher voice frequency, and eventually I will get SRS also called GRS, Sex Reassignment Surgery, the process of which will give me... you know the right kind of genitals, which to medical professionals is almost indistinguishable from a real one. I have picked a new name for myself; Christina Lily Mitchell. I just wanted to tell you this and I hope that you accept me for who I am.


Your Loving Daughter,
Christina.

what do you think, would you change anything?

This is purely my oppinion but after reading this over twice I thought that leaving out or shortening what surgeries you wish to have might be something to think about (I just thought that it might seem a bit intense to lay it all on them in one go)... And maybe sit them down to talk about the next step when they start asking questions.
I was really nervous when I first told my foster parents  but I found that taking things bit by bit let them obsorb the information easier than dropping a huge issue onto them.
Goodluck Christina. I hope your coming out goes well.

I thought that too after i wrote it well on to draft 1, thanks

  Dear mom and dad, I know what you're about to read may be hard but this is how I've felt since about ten.


   When I was about ten I realized I wasn't like other boys, I had and have always been better friends with girls. At that age I wondered why I wasn't a girl, seeing the world I saw it was a harmful place and that anyone who was not 'normal' was shunned, I built a 'social mask' to shield me from them, to make me appear a boy (sometimes acting over masculine), I just wanted to fit in. Remember when I wanted to date (* girls name removed *), I thought maybe if I was with her these feelings would go away, that maybe it was just a phase... they never went away.

   As I grew older it got harder to contain these feelings, all these questions with no answers or anyone to talk to, for years I felt depressed because I thought it was weird and that I just needed to keep to myself and close out the world. I never truly felt like I was in the right body, like I had the right software but the wrong hardware.

   I realize at this point you might have all sorts of questions/feelings; so did I. I felt depressed until about March 2015 when I found susans.org, a website for teens/adults to talk about their transgender problems, you may recall me asking March 25, 2015 about your opinion of transgender people, your answer made me so happy, but I was still worried, "What if they don't understand?", "What if they don't like my decisions?".I've kept these feelings bottled up for 16 years (March 2015 when I wrote this, I don't know when you receive it), painful, awkward, different, angry, sad, depressing feelings. The reason I was always so grumpy and mean was because I was in constant pain, well that and my misophonia (I'm full of problems). One day (like soon!) I hope to see a gender therapist. I have picked a new name for myself; Christina Lily Mitchell. I hope that you accept me for who I am.


Your Loving Daughter,
Christina.

------------------------------------------------
What do you think?

I had the same opinion as Danielle about the first draft, and I think the second one is much better that way. It is personal and lays out your feelings well but is also brief enough that it will allow them to absorb this at one go and ask you more if they want.

My only comment is about the last couple of lines, and this depends on how sure you are about transitioning and what are you expecting from your parents. If you are absolutely sure of who you are, and you would like to have their acceptance but nothing more, then it is fine to say what name you have chosen and sign it off as their daughter. But maybe you want them to help you pick a new name? Or do you depend on them for financial support during transition? Or do you think they will say, first let's talk to a gender therapist and then decide? I'm not sure exactly what your situation is, but some of these questions may be relevant in different cases. If it is not relevant for you, please ignore.

Based on my therapist's advice about my own coming out letter, I would have to say:

Use male and female instead of son and daughter. This way the relationship between you and them is not mentioned. It's easier this way because you don't want them to think that you're changing the relationship between them and you.

Don't be specific about any plans whatsoever. You can have that discussion face to face. Something simple like, "I will be undergoing gender transition from male to female" is sufficient.

She made a blog post about it, worth reading:

http://tgmentalhealth.com/2009/12/26/thoughts-on-coming-out-as-transgender-to-family/

I will put my letter in the next post.

My letter:

Today I am writing to tell you that I am transgender. What does it mean? It means that while I may look male on the outside, on the inside I feel more female. I know it may come as a shock to you, but it has been with me for a long time. I suspect that it started when I was around 4 or 5. My earliest memory of this is getting caught trying on some of your clothes, it was stockings (pantyhose) to be exact. I had no idea why I wanted to do this, but I knew I did. Over many unhappy years I've experimented with dressing up in feminine clothing and putting myself as a girl or woman in many contexts. I spent many days and nights wondering if I could somehow trade this life for another and finally be happy. Living as a man has been crushing in many respects as I would wake up many days basically uncomfortable in my own skin. I would go to bed every night pretty much wishing I would wake up as a woman and this nightmare would be over.

Sometimes I've even had vivid dreams of me being a girl or woman. I did not want them to be over as I've never felt so one and at peace with myself. My struggle with my gender has basically driven me to very dark thoughts about myself, some of which actually culminating in attempts at taking my own life. Thankfully none of the attempts were successful (a good few of which when I was a teenager) and I am here today. Eventually I grew tired of many years of this basically consuming my life and I had to finally seek help. The result is that I am now in the process of transitioning to change my gender presentation from male to female.

No one is to blame for this. Especially not you or dad. Truthfully, I really don't want to assign blame for this as if it's a bad thing because it's really not. I view this simply as me finally living authentically as myself. It is after all a part of who I am and who I always was. As far as actual changes go, I am going to definitely look a lot different. That's about it though. There is really not going to be much change in who I am at heart because I always was who I am. However, from what has happened so far with me and my gender transition journey, I have a good feeling that I'll be much happier with myself.  The kids will still have me and I will be there as I usually am for them. That doesn't change one bit. It also definitely does not change my love for you.

Anyway, this was a bit long and unconventional but I really hope that you can understand exactly what I am going through. Your acceptance and love do matter a lot to me and I would be extremely happy if I could have that from you. But I know this is a bit much all of a sudden and extremely uncharted territory, so take a week and think about it before you get back to me. There is no rush and my line is always open. Also, if you want to find out more about what it means to be transgender, there are a few books you can read. I can give you a list if you like.




Love
(My birth name)

First, I was advised to use my birth name. The reason is that my new name could change and it has a few times. I have settled on one now though, actually with my mom's help.

Secondly, the focus of the letter is on coming out, period. Also you want to reassure them that this is meant to make you happy and you don't intend to be different in your relationship with your loved ones. Change shocks people and familiarity comforts.

Thirdly, it is helpful to detail your struggle with gender identity. This way they can understand just how bad it is for you and also how much this change is necessary for you and in many cases, a matter of life or death.

You don't have to write one exactly like mine but I liked the end product. Also, my parents live separately and separate from me so I had to mail it to them. Email can be a bit impersonal. But I'm guessing you live with your parents?

And, give them a week to sit on it. Their initial reaction may be in haste but by letting it marinate for a week they can begin to seriously think about you rationally rather than emotionally.

Best of luck!

yeah... I'm going to take your advice and rewrite to fit that.

ok draft 2, I like it.

QuoteDear mom and dad, I know what you're about to read may be hard but this is how I've felt since about ten.


   When I was about ten I realized I wasn't like other boys, At that age I wondered why I wasn't a girl, seeing the world I saw it was a harmful place and that anyone who was not 'normal' was shunned, I built a 'social mask' to shield me from them, to make me appear a boy (sometimes acting over masculine), I just wanted to fit in. Remember when I wanted to date (*Girl's name withheld*), I thought maybe if I was with her these feelings would go away, maybe it was just a phase... they never went away.

   The 'social mask' worked so well it had convinced me for the longest time I was a guy, but as I grew older it got harder to contain these feelings, all these questions with no answers or anyone to talk to, for years I felt depressed and angry because I thought I was weird and that I just needed to keep to myself and close out the world. I never truly felt like I was in the right body, like I had the right software but the wrong hardware. I realize at this point you might have all sorts of questions/feelings so after you finish reading this it would be best to talk. I'm still the same person, but I needed to explain I don't feel right in this body.

   I felt depressed until about February 2015 when I found susans.org, a website for teens/adults to talk about their transgender problems, you may recall me asking about your opinion of transgender people, your answer made me so happy, but I was still worried, "What if they don't understand?", "What if they don't like my decisions?".I've kept these feelings bottled up for about six years (March 2015 when I wrote this, I don't know when you will receive it), painful, awkward, different, angry, sad, depressing feelings. The reason I was always so grumpy and mean was because I was in constant pain and confusion. One day (like soon!) I hope to see a gender therapist. I am just as confused about this as you are, I just hope that you can accept me for who I am.


Your loving Child.

I like it! It is excellent and to the point.

Good luck hon.

The last draft is the best.
All the best, Christina!

thanks, like in my letter I don't know when I'll give it to my parents, I'm going to 16 in a month. I was thinking of giving it to them on my 17th birthday that way I will be prepared and be myself for anything that may happen, well that and i want to lose some weight before any transitioning. good luck to everyone else.  Even though I think they'll be accepting of me, they've already told me that if i were gay or bi it wouldn't make a difference to them.

Hi Christina,

The last draft looks best.

Perhaps seeing a therapist and going to a group meetings before presenting or sending the letter may be an option. You could do both now.

Blockers at your age (which are reversible) would help you psychologically (dysphoria) and physically. Later other hormones could be added.

I have seen many trans that are on hormones that are shedding some weight.

What ever you do, I wish you the best of luck.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on March 26, 2015, 08:45:25 PM
Hi Christina,

The last draft looks best.

Perhaps seeing a therapist and going to a group meetings before presenting or sending the letter may be an option. You could do both now.

Blockers at your age (which are reversible) would help you psychologically (dysphoria) and physically. Later other hormones could be added.

I have seen many trans that are on hormones that are shedding some weight.

What ever you do, I wish you the best of luck.

Yeah... I don't think that's possible without my parents, I'm homeschooled and don't really leave my house. Although I am going to be telling them soon, everyday it gets harder not telling them.