For susans, I have no real support and my friends and family always change so true good advice is needed, battered woman I am. In a constant state of abuse. Agreed or not.
So in constant hell. Since I cannot visit a therapist and be satisfied with the experience, I will leave a personal vent. Also I have lied, covered up my abusers, maybe because I care, possible out of fear or utter embarrassment, no saint but I need to at least before I die. If you feel you may know me, the universe (know how that works).. Then do not tell my family, or abusers. I doubt they are on these sites so.. Hmm
First off born and became a bastard child at two years and moved with my mother to a small town in California. Here I met my stepfather and was instantly terrified, dark aura and a scary 'face'
and blame it on my imagination. I met him at a 76 as station parked facing away next to the car wash. Dark night, so blame it on fear.
Eventually they got together, I do not know the months or years but I was able to see their relationship grow. There were nights I would never see my mother and I mainly stayed with her boyfriend/fiance. We would stay at his sister-n-laws house and I would spend most of my time trying to fit in and understand wtf was going on. Eventually he got a place, a trailer a bit out of town. (Wow memories blocked). I remember a song' it was like Romeo & Juliette, hot sex on the planet just to make you sweat', coming from his small white alarm clock. Oh, my brother who is two years and a few months younger than we was there also, Not sure, but he was moving around just as much as I was at the time. We had a dog named chuntaro (sp). Which supposedly died from the neighbors poisoning him for chasing their chickens.
But Yea, we all slept three across the bed, and I, always on the end, which didn't cause too much trouble in my head, but of course I felt lonely. We lived there for a while and I was always in constant confusion and yearning for some guidance.. (speaking for my childhood). Hazy about exact timing of switching houses but that house was before we moved to 411 or 414 soft ash.. We lived there for months at minimum, those were the 'best' memories I had. With my Power Ranger sword, paints (oh, I used to love painting) and just the small parts of life.
I was in Kindergarten by this time and started attending the 'south side' school. A family I grew up around was nearby and communicated much with my family. Their son Javier would come to pick me and guide me to school and if early we would stay at his house for a while before we would go. One day he asked me to put my hands in his pants and I asked him what did he mean or just plain confusion which followed with a question, he 'showed' me by putting his hands in mine. Sitting down, then I followed his example, and his sister came peeking over the couch as we rustled to seem normal, and she simply stated 'don't do that. That was the beginning and ending of that, and I internalized it and thought I just 'got in trouble'.
Being raised in that house I was always scared, and this was when the California heat would tear me up, or when I began to realize it. So eww..
I grew up witnessing my brother being played with, accepted and the whole nine yards of stepchild wants and needs. I couldn't be lifted up like an airplane because I was 'too heavy', though at times I got lucky if my mother would finally feel some sadness for me and speak up. I remember being in punishment because I asked to try a food I would always see him eat, and this one time I asked, he flips out and gives me the whole bowl. It was sour cream and canned fruits.. Eww. I tried it, and just sat at the glass table just watching him ignore me and play with his firstborn. I sat there for what seemed to be hours not being able to get up, but once mother was about to come home, oh, lets get it together!
He did so much, I remember when my cousin TJ came over and he would get angry that the glass table would lift up if we put too much weight on one side. I do not remember who lifted it up as we all sat down but he screamed for us to go and all three of us ran and I remember him kicking me between my legs not hurting my genitals but lifting me up as I ran away, I was the last and at the far corner so I got the swoop of it all.
(Ugh, whirlwind of bs swarming my head, I am so over this post already..)
I remember him arguing with my mother and just disrespecting and fearing for her, you cannot help but feel scared for her. I actually 'ran away' in first grade and went 20 miles with my friend Selena to her house in La Mesa. Got on the bus and ducked as I saw that people were looking for me and I thought I 'got away with it' but eventually they showed up after talking to her mother.. Sad, but meh. I had my first realization of being trans, going to her house I felt like a complete and as a girl, and I would watch as her brother had friends over and played with them. I felt as the girls were playing together, her mother etc probably thought it was weird but yea..
Later that night, he got so mad and kicked/punched a wall in the apartment. (I 'recently', 2years ago, delivered a pizza there, and the hole was covered, still visible but yea)
Everyday was something, and he even threw me and my brother around, could have broke our necks if we hit the edge of the entrance of the door.. Sorry do not know the exact label. but throw someone through and open door.
Broken heart began, one day I gathered up the courage to tell my mother and she called him at his job, Players. She sat on the phone with him and just asked him, over and over but nothing.. I eventually got scared and said I lied. But deep down I felt she knew. Silent ever since.
The same dark aura I saw covered that mans face was what seemed to be a nightmare one night at that house as I lay on my bed. I felt and saw a dark force pulling me down, spiders, snakes and claws pulling me down, I jump and just stare at my bed. Again, blame it on my imagination.
...
My mother would have animosity towards me for her own personal reasons, and it carried over throughout my entire life with her so far. She can put effort but she resents me and I just know it. Evil stares, no compassionate communication.. Never held my hand, gave me hugs or even told me what was going on in OUR lives. I just went to their wedding one day at the park and that was that. Example, sure I did not need fully detailed explanations but I was literally lost as a child. I was fed love and my happiness was bought.
....
We moved from 411 or 141 or 141 soft ash and moved to apartments on the south side of town. This was when she took me on my first journey with her and this truck driver. Space jam was a favorite of mine and she had bought me the CD to listen to. Or maybe shut me the hell up. I rode with them and they bonded, I remember his name, Johnny. I do not know how many miles we traveled but the scenery changed so much. So we must have went a distance, to see days and nights.. Be upfront with Johnny as my mother would sleep. One night, broken heart again. I had went to bed early, not sure if I was told or not, but I did. I had the lower bunk and those two shared the top. They climbed up and all I saw were clothes flying off, being thrown from their bunk. I literally shut down and instinctively knew what was going on. I slept like a rock that night, face turned towards the back, away from it all. Sounds, none.. I was out...
That morning we woke up and I remember Johnny talking the manager into letting 'us' take a shower and brush our teeth. We were able to and as she took a shower I wrote on a piece of paper ' I hate my mom, I hate my mom'.. He instigated the situation and asked what did I write. Pretty much looked at the paper and told on what I was writing. She cried and he laughed in a secretive way and made me apologize. I did.
There was one more guy from J.B. Hunt but I do not know what happened to their relationship and I never saw them together after.
... This being typed, I had doubts she was my mother and that the person she claimed was my father was probably not.
Never did I meet him but one time we visited her family and she drove me by for FIVE minutes and honked for me to come back to the car. I never looked at his face, and only just saw his house as he was showing my brother and I around. Probably nerves is the reason why I never saw his face but that was that. Sped off, and my smart remark as I saw his dog.. Look there is my dog, being told not to say that as we drove off.
...
My entire family from her side is dysfunctional, for reasons and being brought through tough times, I can understand.. but still connection at all.
...
Walking knowing I was always a black sheep, even my brother knew. Argued one day and he got angry enough to say, he isn't even your dad.
Wah, no more crying..
...
I followed after my brother in so many ways, could not go outside, meet people my age, do anything without being with the 'family' or with his friends.. Etc.. I went to his flag football games first! New to me, what is this.
...
My mother knew I was going to be different growing up. Watching Queer as Folk, I became aroused watching a sex scene and at the corner of my eye I saw that she saw. She hacked me and knew I would watch gay porn as they were away. Even to pull up the sites in front of her husband one night after he woke me up to 'talk to me' as I was sleeping and ask me, what is this.. So yea, they knew...
She knew I was going to be a certain way and even after I came out as transgender she still would make comments and slick remarks about how 'sweet' I look, or throw out how boys etc do and do not act.
She kicked me out so many times as a young age, after taking a shower, ripping my shirt, after she would get angry at herself for arguing.. Eventually, and now it makes sense, she was pissed off for many reasons.. Reasons I could not even contemplate to tackle. She never had respect for me, and it just became less than always. Throwing my gifts from friends away, thrashing my room, trashing my birthday gifts what ever you could name.. It was done.. I would always be told to apologize and that she was always right. Even the police told me, if she says there are pink elephants flying in the room, then there are pink elephants.. How pissed off at how much people regurgitate the same bs, no matter that I was a teenager or not. You come into my life one day out of it all, and that is your advice..
...
He was just a 'bridge' but really changed throughout the years. That I will not take away but he still is secretively mean. They all cannot look me in the face to talk to me, have always talked about me negatively among each other, brother included.. That is my sibling and you already killed our relationship. I grew up mad, but was always happy but I forgive and move on quickly.... A habit good or bad.. Still do not know.
...
He would look at me in my teenager years, from what I felt was sexually. I remember him kicking my behind and he at MINIMUM gave it a glance as it moved from his kick as he was laying down on the recliner. I felt so violated and I knew my mother could feel how awkward I felt around him. I had a large bum as a teenager and possibly as a child. Ugh.. Eww and ugh.. but a song -a rongie rongie rongie.. on and so on.. He would begin at my bum and chuckle a bit and eventually moved towards my lower back. One time.. But how awkward it was, was consistent, even if I visit now.. I feel so weird admitting this. I never have and suppress myself all the time around that family. Meaning venting, physical appearance etc..
He even got mad one year at my brother for not knowing the answer for his HWK and pinned him up against a wall. At the time, us being in middle school, my brother told on him. I was called to the office met a police officer and lied for his dad. I should have said something. Honestly I really should have. Not to break up a family, but I feel I suffer from it all. Alone, doing it.
.. I still had passion and drive for my family. I wanted to provide and buy things for them that they would not get for themselves. I ended up stealing a bit, only a tiny amount, saved up my earned money from working under his small company, saving my pennies, dimes, nickels and quarters just to buy them gifts that fit their personality.. Cannot buy many gifts but to buy one meaningful gift, seemed the world. 700 dollars I believe I spent that Christmas.. Maybe a bit of money left for myself.
....
Never had a real relationship with my mother, but heard her dramas and gossip of family members and friends.. Waiting as a child for her to come home with her friend Becky, late at night as she would come home drunk and throwing up.
...
I bought myself a burgundy laptop and it seemed to make her mad. I have been hacked for such a long time, but it began with all of them. My family was in on it the whole time. It was honestly earned, and it was hacked to the point it was destroyed! Shut down, no way of being turned back on. Later on finding out she was a part of the hacking, I blame it on them. I can make the connections easily now. Memory serves me well.
She even boasted about buying me a laptop and it being hacked, I damn well froze it in the refrigerator, broke it up and threw it away. I hated how evil and manipulative they were. But when I act out, I am just an evil person, ungrateful and a 'devil child'. My brother was pissed off, but he knew about the hacking and would play along with it, going to his friends house to play against me and with his friends.
My 'friends' were even a part of it. Code Name: Kody, Micheal , Louis, Brian, Dwayne etc.. even to put cisgendered women against me, taking stabs against my gender identity.. the list goes on and they hated how smart I was. Made fun of me and the whole nine yards, peeking through my cam.. Ugh.. I dislike all of them, I wait for them to be honest. I always knew but waited for them to tell me, always asking me what was I doing but always knew. I was just playing against you, or you were literally watching my movements on the computer. I know everything they think I do not know... Probably not psychic, but I am receptive and aware.
Bring em out.. You damn sure did not care about my life as I have death threats walking the streets, sleeping under a bridge smoking meth and hearing the imitation of gun shots for hours all night.. HAving meth heads treat you bad and a whole community telling you DEATH is what you should receive, sleeping on dirt filled mattresses.. ASking me questions and Deliberately talking badly about people in the town, to nudge me to talk badly and so you can gossip and add to your devilish story.. Mhmm.. Guess I am 'sorta' psychic.. BUT I HAVE MY BEST THOUGHTS AND EXPECTATIONS OF EVERYONE.. SO I ALWAYS CHOSE TO DISBELIEVE IN MY INTUITION!!
Even in High School, people knew I was different but would rather gossip and plot on me.. Having comments told to my face, oh you give h--d dont you!? though at the time I didn't people would always talk about my insecurities. I had many and people knew how to bring em out and talk about me. Even in class this guy would pull out his penis and tell me to touch it, and my 'friends' would sit across and stare in our direction to see what I would do.. All planned out, Ross, Demetrius.. Always a conversation and the whole entire school would talk about me. My 'bastardness', my adoption, my natural adoption of the Hispanic culture, my queerness.. I always knew but coming to school, was the only place I could find some peace. Trying to forget about crying earlier coming to school about my mother just beating me down vocally.
That town acts just like a cult! Let them tell you. If I went to someones house, people were set up there to study me or change me. I couldn't express my attraction for the first guy I actually began to like. His sister hated it, his friends and the girls/women of the town were all in it. My brother would act as if he wanted to set us up, but all in all did not. My 'parents' acted as if they wanted us together.. Whew..
EVERYONE KNEW I WAS TRANSGENDER! but acted as if nothing ever happened.
Outed me.. They are evil in my eyes.
Came out formally to my parents, and as they preach about how we are family, they laugh about 'so does that mean he is gay'
I cried and cried... Was lonely in that town, always being psychic. I could tell details so much more.. BUt I am exhausted and everyone in that town, know I always knew, but you never gave me the chance, kept me in a prison, never letting me have a chance to grow up. When do I get a shot? Of course, more of it makes more sense, but now, I am like an open book ready and willing. Those are a FEW major details.. Meh, duties to do.
From places of employment, staff at school.. I knew.. I could tell you a few things.. Being like this is amazing.. If you don't know.
FAMILY, WHAT FAMILY, I COULD EXPOSE SO MUCH MORE... I HEAR IT ALL, SEE IT ALL NOW.. DOESNT AMAZE ME! Obviously have no morals, and speak of anything.. For what? Obvious I was the black sheep. Sure I was a 'mess up' but I have always put my best effort! Millions, and they listen to your bs, hmph... Kill me tomorrow, I feel I will exist in the essence of heaven. Never did I have confidence to say or type that, but why not. Evil is, what evil does. PTSD and Psychic TRuama!
Grandmother is dead you knew but did not tell me, days pass and my family, the people who would have raised me. nurtured me are passing.. What is real anymore? Is it the money? The food you buy? The cameras, mics in your home? Putting Testosterone in my food, in the house, in the shelters.. What is your motif?
Oh I could go on, and if I were evil.. I would prey upon insecurities, doubts, fears etc.. THAT IS EVIL, THAT IS THE DEVIL! I know I see, but I know discernment! I see and seek the greater good the highest potential of life in all living beings! You do not know anything about that! I could tell you about energy and shamanism.. I do such a great job and I am literally deprived of most of what I want to dibble and dabble into! Ain't that divine! I could help better your life!
But play on, playas play on!
DISOWNED
How does a bird experience flight, if they are always imprisoned?
