I know you're getting a LOT of replies, but I'm going to add a few things.

I knew I wanted to be male for my entire life. Everything I was interested in gravitated towards masculine things. As I grew up, I hoped I grew up to be more masculine. I got excited when I met females that were more masculine, and I got excited because I realized that there's a possibility of growing up to look masculine, despite being born assigned female at birth. My parent knew this, I was talking about it ever since I was 4.

Then, I hit puberty. I was very obviously female. I was very unhappy. "Transgender" was not something i'd even utter to my parents. Back then, I was so sheltered I had no idea it was possible, i thought "transgender" was simply somebody that crossdressed (which i technically already did.)

I had to choke it down, and try my best to just make the best of it. I was female and had no other choice in the matter. I would not transition smoothly, I'm short, I'm curvy, I have big boobs, I have a very feminine face.

Eventually, I said <not allowed> it. I'm not happy this way. As "female" as I can attempt to force myself to be, I am not happy with it, and never will be. I found out I can get hormones (once again, i was sheltered and very out of the loop lol) and started to pursue it. I was 17, and needed parent permission. They refused, and talked me out of it. They said it was so sudden that they don't believe me. I remember thinking, "All those years of awkwardly trying to force myself to be happy with it, and actually put so much effort into trying, and they don't believe me. "

They convinced me to put it off. I kept talking about it. I was told "If you still feel this way when you're 18, we'll support you."

18 came and went, they still kept saying the same thing, mainly because I liked to draw and I dated men. "That's too girly! You'd never do well as a guy." and they convinced me to put it off until i was 21. I tried so hard to be female. I lived as it, I tried to accept the fact that it may never change. However, I still wanted to transition by the time 21 came and went. They still didn't support me, mainly for the same reasons they stated previously. I focused on working on things myself. At age 22, I FINALLY started hormones. Happier now than I ever was.

Others have pointed it out, sexual orientation rarely matches up with gender. Personally, I go off of personality. The kind I go for tends to just be more common in men than women.

--------------

With that said, I've also been in your shoes. I've dated somebody that was a transwoman. I would have never guessed. This was back when I was trying to just be "female."

I thought it was a joke at first. Her body type was as masculine as it gets. REALLY buff, super tall, strong chin, everything.

I felt uncomfortable, but tried to support her. However, that's when she hit me with a lot of curve balls. There were interests she had that I had no interest in, and/or was very uncomfortable with. (shoe shopping, for example. Or wearing dresses)

She also acted more feminine, talked more feminine, etc. She started to get more sensitive.

Eventually, we mutually broke it off. Mostly, we started that relationship expecting hobbies/interests to be the same way as they were when the relationship started. The more I forced myself to do more "girly" stuff with her, the more uncomfortable I got with it. The more I realized "wow this sucks" and I wanted out of it. The more I looked at my own body and wish I could just swap it with her so we could both be happy. We're still great friends, we talk daily, but our interests and personalities have changed enough to the point that they no longer match up well enough to date.

Hopefully you won't have to go through that. I normally don't see it go down that road to be honest. The main problem I had was we had A LOT in common that ended up being things that my partner was forcing herself to do to be more "manly." So when those stopped, our interests were completely different. Her personality never changed. She never changed as a person. Her interests just changed. Since that was the basis of our relationship , it ended. However, we do not need that in order to be good people towards each other, be able to chat, and be able to support each other through our transition. Also, she has transitioned surprisingly nicely. You can only sort of "see" how she COULD have been the other gender if you were looking at her and thinking about it. Most transwomen I meet can pass just fine, but if you think about it too much, you'll subconsciously pick out things that remind you of old traits that can be seen as more feminine or masculine, and it will seem more exaggerated (even if they aren't to other people)

----------------

As a side thing, something I found that would have helped me a lot is to get my partner to write out a list of things they want to change about themselves. Ask "What changes do you want from your transition?" and tackle it on one step at a time. It won't all happen at once, remember that. See if there are any interests that they're forcing themselves to do. See if there are any interests they're holding themselves back from (more likely the case. Met plenty of females, even if they aren't trans, that love football or mechanics just as an example)

You may end up with more interests and hobbies that you can enjoy together.

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 07, 2015, 05:51:15 PM
my first post, my husband came out to me, well multiple times in the last 15 months, and after 12 years of knowing him i just don't buy that he is transgender. .....................

anyone else deal with this? did you help them to stay male, or let them transition? did you stay or leave? i cant imagine staying with my husband if he turned into a woman. sex will not be an option and im not attracted to females. to me, he is just ill. and i dont know how to snap him out of it. sigh...

thanks for listening and any advice.

Support him, let him try being a woman with you both privately and publicly and see how it goes for both of you.

well...for me, i prefer women.. i think i was kind of in a similar situation. i had been in a pretty long relationship and when i came out to her she wouldn't accept it, so i tried to bury it. but....i just couldn't handle the suffering anymore so eventually i just had to break it off. and i know plenty of women that like other women and porn and all of that stuff, so it's not like it's  gender specific or anything. i think too as far as me being in guy mode, i felt like i always had to overcompensate to be a guy. so just because they might not have pictures of them being fem or something doesn't mean that they hadn't been on their own time or in their mind.

great post.  If you are still monitoring... I really appreciate your raw honesty.  I have been married 18+ years, been out to my wife for the past several.  I have heard many of the same concerns.  She now is supportive  but we still have not resolved all of the long term marital issues that come with full physical transition. 
 
IMHO .. if you really want your marriage to work ... do not make quick decisions ... respect each others' pace ... you both may evolve and become less rigid in where you think your boundaries are ... over time your husband may find that he does not want/need full transition ... over time you may find that your soul mate and love of your life is a woman and want to be with her forever.

Rooting for you both (and your children) to be happy and fulfilled in this life and hopefully that is together.     

   

 

 

When I read the title of this thread, I first thought my wife has posted here, but then on reading the post, I saw that most of the details were different.

To the OP, if you are still following this thread, welcome and thanks for being so honest.

I am on the other side of a somewhat similar situation, as my wife is supportive but does not believe that a physical transition is really necessary for me.

As others have said, it is finally for your husband to decide who he really is and what he needs to do. You or a therapist or anyone else can only help in that process but not decide on his behalf. There are many trans women here who are lesbian, including me, and there are many who have been or still are in very 'masculine' professions or have 'masculine' interests and hobbies. Others have already shared a lot of good advice, so I thought I'll just add my own experience here in case you want to draw some parallels.

My profession, interests, hobbies, feelings, emotions, thoughts etc have never been too 'masculine', but I still managed to closet myself so deeply that I did not realize my own gender identity until a few months ago. I've lived as 'male' all these years, dated and then married a lovely woman, and we are planning to have a kid soon, and most of my friends are male. I do resemble my mother and have some feminine features, and my wife has sometimes commented on them and said she likes it that way, but neither of us ever gave much thought to it. There is probably just one photo of me 'cross-dressing' as a kid, and that too along with my brothers because my mother and aunt thought it would be fun. Other than that, there was no reason for anyone else or even for me to suspect any 'gender issues' all this while.

But then a few years ago, I started becoming more and more curious about 'cross-dressing'. I finally started buying female clothes in my size instead of borrowing my wife's or anyone else's clothes. I've also always loved playing with infants, and when the option of being a parent came close enough, I caught myself wishing to have been born female so I could be a mother. And then, I started searching more and more for answers to what was going through my mind.

Did I have some hidden 'fetishes', related to 'cross-dressing' or imagining myself as a woman or something else? Was I gay or bisexual or something? Did I feel 'inadequate' as 'male'? Did I not love my wife any more? Was I confusing 'gender roles' or 'gender expression' with 'gender identity'?
One by one, I was able to resolve all these questions and realize that none of them led to the right answer. But in this process of searching for answers, for the first time I came to know that trans women could be lesbians, that many of them did repress their feelings all their lives and transition late in life, that many had managed to preserve their families and careers, that many of them could 'pass' as female even if they looked very masculine just a few years ago.

And slowly, it became clear to me that what I secretly wanted and wished for was not so impossible. Even more startling was this flood of memories all the way from childhood rushing back into my mind which showed me how I had often not 'fit in', how I felt 'different' but hid it from everyone else to avoid being ridiculed or harassed or bullied, how being around boys most of my life had just made me suppress so many things about me even from my own self.

Finally, I've come to accept that I am trans, and that my gender identity is and has always been female. Trust me, it would have been far easier to accept one of those other explanations, but then they were not true. It was a very troubling time for me, but I soon came out to my wife, and she's been very supportive so far of my feelings. She is OK with any cosmetic or reversible changes, but not with any physical or irreversible changes. To me, that's not enough, and I would rather go all the way, but I am taking my time figuring out how to balance this need with my need for a stable marriage and career.

I am not sure how much of this might be relevant to you or your husband, but I hope it is of some help anyway.

I can't get on here much due to family and trying to keep my own walls up I suppose and I want to stay anonymous, but likely he is reading this anyway, from work :|.  I don't want my husband to go to a gender therapist, I'm worried they will just talk him into being transgender, I still don't buy it 100% I know him that well. we have been talking and not talking about it. we talk sometimes for a minute, other times for an hour. I asked him if he married me because he was seeking a mate that was open and strong and liberal so that he could eventually come out. He says yes he married me for my liberal ness, open ness and progressiveness but didn't marry me for coming out. Yet, I think... that some part of him was looking for a partner that would be able to weather and support him coming out.

My anxiety is pretty severe. I love him, but I can't get my head around it. I don't want to leave him, and want to be with him always but I feel like there is no future, I don't see a future now. And he now denies he was transgender but I can tell something is changed in him and there is no going back. so we dance. I want to run, but I want to stay, I want to be a fearless love, but then I want to be fearless and leave and start over with a man that is a man. Though at this point I'm about done with men.

<breathe>.....I really wish there was some switch I could flip in my head and it would be all clear for him to do what eve he wants, but there isn't. 

so many of you have given good advice and thoughts, and comments. and some of them are of the "just do it" nike style, and believe me I want to be a "just do it" person, but I'm a @#%#% realist. a man (now woman) holding hands with another women, in our community would NOT go over well, and would cause trouble for our kids for sure. Its just  a fact. and we can't up and move due to issues financially, as well as kids needs (they are doing well in school).  and I like sex and I'm sure sex will take on a new dimension that I can't even imagine, and also may result in no sex, and no attraction to boot.  Yet, if all things were different and no body gave #%#% about these things and I didn't have kds,  it would be easier for me to say, 'sure..why not'. but its not the case due to all the variables that complicate this.

I really wish there was a silver bullet for me to say "@#% it, husband do what you need and I support you", but so far I can't find one. I suppose the closest thing right now would be for him to really see a Gender therapist versus a therapist, but I really do fear they will convince him versus try to talk him down from the ledge I believe he is on.

If you do not get some outside help with these issues i see you sliding down the slope of hate.

It happens so many times in relationships.

As your spouse can not deny who they are either can you and that is real.

You are looking at your relationship of how society will view it over how you and your spouse view it.

Now a strong suggestion from me is to stop the blame game. If your spouse is dealing with GD they have no choice. They where chosen at birth to have a medical condition that society seems to want to make un-acceptable.

Your spouse played along with society in brain washing of they must be X because you have X between your legs. Well gender lies at the core of the brain. It is our existence.

Please before you our your spouse does something you both will regret is to get yourself help along with allow him to get the help he needs. Not everyone with GD must or does transition.

Yes many do and they do it for there own happiness. Do you wish your spouse to be selfishly unhappy just to make you happy?

That's is my nickels worth. please seek out help.

Hugs

Could a therapist talk you into becoming a man? If not, I don't think one can convince him to transition if he's not willing, either. They may help him figure things out in a way that ends in transition, but it's pretty hard to brainwash someone into doing something THAT huge against their will.

You're in a very tough spot, and I feel for you. A therapist might be a good idea for you, too...

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 07, 2015, 05:51:15 PM
my first post, my husband came out to me, well multiple times in the last 15 months, and after 12 years of knowing him i just don't buy that he is transgender. let me explain. my husband likes women, no loves women. he loves strip clubs, porn, and any woman that is remotely attractive. a while ago about 5 years into out marriage i caught him cheating and we went to counseling and we worked out some relationship problems, and focus problems around what is important. so time passes and then he hits me with hes always been a women. ummm ok, i look at his childhood pictures and its all guy mode. he says, he always wanted to wear girl clothes, and wants to be called robin, hates his adams apple, etc.

so i went along with it and thinking about this made me angry, hurt, and just plain not buying it. so i called his bluff and told him, I'm not a lesbian, and that this isn't gonna work, and we should divorce. so he then back peddles and says he's not transgender, and was confused. so i told him i needed more and he explained that the whole idea came about. because, of the many things in his life he cannot explain, like wanting to wear girl clothes, wanting and gravitating to female things. i told em guys can like female things and not be transgender. to that he said thats true. so he saw a therapist who also supported me and said men have but female and male in them, same with women. yin and yang if you will. and it doesn't make a person transgender. the therapist also said that its fine and he's not transgender but balanced, and its ok to explore his female side some. so we did, he tried on some girl shoes, and pants, and i asked him how they made him feel and he said, silly. so.. we put it to rest. now months later its back, he says he wants to transition, and again i called him out, and now he says he is just confused, and just needed me to center him back.


so.... what is going on here? in my mind there is NO WAY he is transgender. am i wrong? i mean even therapist basically said he is not. i want my husband, and my life, and my sex with a male partner.

anyone else deal with this? did you help them to stay male, or let them transition? did you stay or leave? i cant imagine staying with my husband if he turned into a woman. sex will not be an option and im not attracted to females. to me, he is just ill. and i dont know how to snap him out of it. sigh...

thanks for listening and any advice.

Its possible. Im transgender and I love women. Romantically/intimately and in the feminine things way as well. My belief, the fact that he (she) has come to you about this many times indicates to me that she is infact transgender. Most cis guys aren't exactly thinking about taking estrogen to transition into a female... Her going back and forth is probably a way to gauge your response to how you will take this and she is simply letting you in on it little by little. Also the fact that she was in guy mode for as long as she was, is really no indication to whether or not she is trans. If people knew who I was in guy form they would literally be appalled that I'm really trans. I've seen  crazy transformations on the internet as well. Ex bodybuilders turned trans, biker gang members, and as well which often appears is ex-military. We are master ninjas lol. So all in all, don't doubt it just because you're now seeing it. I would sit him/her down and have a serious talk. It's the only way you're going to find out.

Also, there is alot of my, my, my in your post. Try and think about how your husband feels right now and the inner turmoil that he/she is going through.

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 11, 2015, 07:14:46 PM
I don't want my husband to go to a gender therapist, I'm worried they will just talk him into being transgender
I suppose the closest thing right now would be for him to really see a Gender therapist versus a therapist, but I really do fear they will convince him versus try to talk him down from the ledge I believe he is on.

Others have said it before but I'll say it again - that's totally NOT how gender therapy works. From my own experience and what I have read about others here, a good gender therapist simply asks you the right questions, guides you in understanding and accepting yourself, warns you of possible pitfalls, makes you reflect on what you really need to do v/s what is just a fleeting desire, and for those who really need to transition and come out to others etc, maybe some advice on that process. If there are partners or other family members who also need therapy, they could help with that too. A good gender therapist is neither supposed to convince or push people towards transition nor dissuade them or be a gatekeeper.

I gave some examples above of the kind of questions I asked myself before I came to a stage of self-acceptance. I realized later that was important because there have been cases of people who transition for the 'wrong' reasons, e.g. they have some other hidden psychological issues, or are simply envious of the other gender without understanding what it takes to live as that gender, or some other factor which does not go away with transition, and in fact may get worse. A good gender therapist should be able to spot such things and help someone come to the right decision. But in the end, it is that person alone who decides, not the therapist, not their partner, nor anyone else.

From your posts, it seems like there is really a need for you and your partner to have an open and honest conversation, keeping aside any fears or worries of what others may say. Your partner definitely needs to see a gender therapist, and possibly you might benefit from it too. Only when both of you fully know and understand the reality of what is going on, can you honestly decide how to go forward and how to deal with others. Without that knowledge, it will be like groping in the dark, and will only lead to bigger issues of distrust etc.

My wife also initially did not believe that I was really trans*, and she still refuses to see a therapist. Since initially I was also still coming to terms with it and was still reading up on different 'theories' about trans* people that have been put forth over the years, I told her about some of them and she tried to slot me into one of the 'milder' categories which do not need to transition. Over the next many weeks, I slowly realized that many of those 'theories' are not really valid, that each one's experience is different, and that just because I had been able to suppress my true feelings all these years does not mean I can continue to do it in future as well.

My wife has realized some of this too, and we have agreed on some cosmetic, reversible changes just to see how it makes both of us feel. Maybe a bit of going out dressed in public in some place where no one knows us (e.g. maybe during a vacation) will also help me figure out if I really want to, need to, and can live as female. That's how we are taking things slowly and one at a time, even though I feel very certain that I want to fully transition.

Mind you, we too live in a place which is highly conservative and patriarchal, so living as a woman itself can be quite daunting, not to mention being perceived as lesbian or trans* which can be much worse. But we'll figure it out some way or the other. We are both financially and functionally independent of each other, but highly emotionally dependent. She doesn't identify as lesbian or bisexual, I identify as mtf lesbian as I mentioned earlier, so it may seem like a mismatch, but there may be a chance that both of us could become a little flexible in order to be with each other. That may not always be possible in other cases, because most people cannot really be flexible about their gender identity and/or their sexuality.

Yes, "The genie is out of the bottle". There are no Do-Overs after dropping the T-Bomb, no matter how much you may wish or pray for it. There is only dealing with it. Much like you, my wife and I had and still do, go through these talk a lot, dance a lot over me. Not talking at all is certainly not a good thing. I spent a LOT of years not talking. My wife self describes as being "Pathologically Honest", on top of being a big talker.

Coming out to myself, coming out to her, also meant I needed to make some major changes. On top of the list was forcing myself to have totally open and honest conversations with her. A skill that took time to learn, and still am. An even bigger skill is avoiding TMI and the importance of timing.

Early on I was seeing a general therapist who was trans friendly. Transitioning was the absolute last thing on my agenda. Been there, tried it twice in my 20's. (Yes, she knew) I had a TON of baggage accumulated from a lifetime of Not Handling being trans, that I needed to shed before I even begin to feel better about myself.

Today I see a for real Gender Therapist. There is a world of difference between the two. An important skill they have is "Reality". Asking the questions and making you think about things you would rather not. Things like community, family, work. Gender is just one aspect of what defines you. Certainly not the only aspect in today's world.

A gender therapist also has the knowledge base of many of the options that one can try to help "Manage" being trans. Not all of us absolutely need to transition.... at least today. And... You may just be, in a sense, right. He is transgender, but no where near the transsexual end of the spectrum. I tend to ascribe to the "If you think you are transgender, you are" definition of transgender. There is an entire spectrum between cis-male and cis-female that is TG.

After a good five years of taking on the trans beast head on I still present male. I am far far better person and partner to my wife. I feel alive. I feel joy. I am no longer that miserable wretch of a person that I slowly devolved down into over all those years of trying through the shear force of will to suppress the gender aspect of myself. My goal when starting this process was to try to integrate those two, seemingly divergent and incompatible aspects of myself in one whole healthy and happy person. For the most part, I am pretty well there.

Sure, in a perfect world I would like to live life full-time as a woman. In my perfect world of today, I do not NEED to. For that I am blessed. My wife, my family, my career, my personal safety all remain intact. Today, on balance, being 90% genuine works. I know, as well as my wife, that "Balance" can shift. Life is not static as long as you're still waking up on the right side of the grass. There have been periods where perhaps living completely as a female seemed a better way to manage this. Actually more of a need to, in order to survive.

I have got my head around this and have given in to that fact that he is (she is) female.

now I need to figure out what I'm gonna do about it. I'm not sure I can be with a woman, though I have woman friends and women are great. I'm not sure I can sleep with a woman every night and wake up and be kissed by a woman.

I'm gonna ask him to seek a gender therapist, not a therapist.  As much as I want to pave over this, it keeps running in my head "your husband is a she", I have even had dreams about him in a dress and makeup, and I woke up crying and angry.   Today, we were making love, his legs are shaved and I knew that this was NOT going away. he makes feminine sounds when I hold him, and clearly he wants to be softer, when I want him to be harder.

ok.

this page has been as much therapy, as me venting, and appreciate all of you listening, pointing out good points and counter points.

If I stayed with him, my family wouldn't understand, but I suspect would accept, after they get thier head around something, they do realize its the person, not the package.

my ex husband will laugh, but hes a dead beat and an @#%# hole so I don't care.

My husbands, family will not get it, I'm sure his brothers, will disown him, so my kids neices and nephews, will vanish. Thats ok, we don't see them anyway, they live in another state.

sex... I suppose I could do what I did when I was single.

companionship...I very much want and need this and don't want to start over.

traveling... its off the books, I can't see myself with a woman traveling, thats ok, traveling is dangerous, tiring and I'm getting older.

public bathrooms, I suppose I could go with him (her) and make sure everything is kept safe.

our kids and school.. I need him to not come out. I don't know how that will work, if he is on hormones there will be Tells...pretty quick that he is not exactly male anymore. I guess he can stay home (haha).

our children... how do I explain this to them. they are of the age that something like this could be a real mind binder...

name changes..no idea
drivers licenses...no idea
marriage and tax filing..no idea
safety...no idea.. I just hear about people getting hurt all the time that are transgender. In some cases killed. I suppose in his case he is not out looking for a date, he is married, maybe its safer for him.

Gossip...this will kill me. I can't handle being the middle of small town talk.  I will need to move, or he needs to hide it, till we can get out of here.

I'm broken, I feel like he is doing this stuff and he will be happy, but then I will be sad.

I didn't marry him just for his paycheck, or his ability to financially take care of me. Yet, I DID marry him because I needed someone that could provide, he makes a good living doing something I'm proud to talk about so maybe he is backwards arm candy? not sure what that called. And in the past, I have been with many men that turned out to be complete dead beats. I'm a toxic magnet in some ways. So now I feel again, I married someone that is toxic. there it is.

I want a life, I want to have companionship, I want a lover, I want orgasms, I want a safety, I don't want to be judged,  I want my kids to be happy and taken care of, I want a future that is full of promise, health, happiness. I want to buy a home with someone and fix it up as our retirement, grow old place. I want to be happy too.


edit: I needed to clarify that I married him cause I love him AND because he can provide, yet I didn't marry him just because he earns a paycheck or has a cool job I can brag about.

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 12, 2015, 09:10:27 PM
I have got my head around this and have given in to that fact that he is (she is) female.

now I need to figure out what I'm gonna do about it. I'm not sure I can be with a woman, though I have woman friends and women are great. I'm not sure I can sleep with a woman every night and wake up and be kissed by a woman.

I'm gonna ask him to seek a gender therapist, not a therapist.  As much as I want to pave over this, it keeps running in my head "your husband is a she", I have even had dreams about him in a dress and makeup, and I woke up crying and angry.   Today, we were making love, his legs are shaved and I knew that this was NOT going away. he makes feminine sounds when I hold him, and clearly he wants to be softer, when I want him to be harder.

ok.

this page has been as much therapy, as me venting, and appreciate all of you listening, pointing out good points and counter points.

If I stayed with him, my family wouldn't understand, but I suspect would accept, after they get thier head around something, they do realize its the person, not the package.

my ex husband will laugh, but hes a dead beat and an @#%# hole so I don't care.

My husbands, family will not get it, I'm sure his brothers, will disown him, so my kids neices and nephews, will vanish. Thats ok, we don't see them anyway, they live in another state.

sex... I suppose I could do what I did when I was single.

companionship...I very much want and need this and don't want to start over.

traveling... its off the books, I can't see myself with a woman traveling, thats ok, traveling is dangerous, tiring and I'm getting older.

public bathrooms, I suppose I could go with him (her) and make sure everything is kept safe.

our kids and school.. I need him to not come out. I don't know how that will work, if he is on hormones there will be Tells...pretty quick that he is not exactly male anymore. I guess he can stay home (haha).

our children... how do I explain this to them. they are of the age that something like this could be a real mind binder...

name changes..no idea
drivers licenses...no idea
marriage and tax filing..no idea
safety...no idea.. I just hear about people getting hurt all the time that are transgender. In some cases killed. I suppose in his case he is not out looking for a date, he is married, maybe its safer for him.

Gossip...this will kill me. I can't handle being the middle of small town talk.  I will need to move, or he needs to hide it, till we can get out of here.

I'm broken, I feel like he is doing this stuff and he will be happy, but then I will be sad.

I didn't marry him just for his paycheck, or his ability to financially take care of me. Yet, I DID marry him because I needed someone that could provide, he makes a good living doing something I'm proud to talk about so maybe he is backwards arm candy? not sure what that called. And in the past, I have been with many men that turned out to be complete dead beats. I'm a toxic magnet in some ways. So now I feel again, I married someone that is toxic. there it is.

I want a life, I want to have companionship, I want a lover, I want orgasms, I want a safety, I don't want to be judged,  I want my kids to be happy and taken care of, I want a future that is full of promise, health, happiness. I want to buy a home with someone and fix it up as our retirement, grow old place. I want to be happy too.


edit: I needed to clarify that I married him cause I love him AND because he can provide, yet I didn't marry him just because he earns a paycheck or has a cool job I can brag about.

I think its important to keep in mind that just because you might choose to let your husband go down this path, it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice 99% while he (she) sacrifices 1%. You can make compromises! it is a marriage after all. Maybe work out boundaries on things she can/can't do as I'm sure it will ease the blow on alot of things. Its good to see you thought things over and are coming back at this more level headed but please, recognize you dont have to sacrifice everything as that will just lead to resentment. Work on what both of you will/will not tolerate.

I feel you are starting to understand your spouse is someone who is dealing with something that they had no control over.

You spouse could stuff it for only so long before it can not be put back.

So I will offer one last suggestion to all I have offered as support.

Communication, Communication, Communication.

Hugs

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 12, 2015, 09:10:27 PM
I have got my head around this and have given in to that fact that he is (she is) female.

now I need to figure out what I'm gonna do about it. I'm not sure I can be with a woman, though I have woman friends and women are great. I'm not sure I can sleep with a woman every night and wake up and be kissed by a woman.

I'm gonna ask him to seek a gender therapist, not a therapist.  As much as I want to pave over this, it keeps running in my head "your husband is a she", I have even had dreams about him in a dress and makeup, and I woke up crying and angry.

It is really nice that you are trying to accept and understand it, and that you are going through all of the important things in your life to see how they would be affected.
But as others have said too, I'll just say that for the sake of your own sanity, please do not over-think it, and please do not jump to conclusions.
Give your spouse time, but also give yourself time. Keep communicating, and figure out what works best for both of you. All the best.

Hey there.  I'm a partner of a trans gal.  First, here's a hug if you want one.  While I have known my girlfriend was trans from day one and accepted it since before the day I met her, I can see how this would be a scary time for you.  Stay strong, and don't forget to take care of yourself too, as you go through this journey with your partner.

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 11, 2015, 07:14:46 PMMy anxiety is pretty severe.

Do you have coping strategies in place to help you when things get really bad?  If you haven't done so already, maybe you could look into a counselor for yourself to help you with anxiety/your partners upcoming transition/sorting through your feelings regarding gender identity things?

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 11, 2015, 07:14:46 PMI want to be a fearless love, but then I want to be fearless and leave and start over with a man that is a man. Though at this point I'm about done with men.

Whether you stay or leave your partner, try to be gentle on yourself.  Nobody expects you to be superwoman and be 100% fearless all the time.

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 11, 2015, 07:14:46 PM<breathe>.....I really wish there was some switch I could flip in my head and it would be all clear for him to do what eve he wants, but there isn't.

Sometimes it takes some time for you to sort through all your feelings and think through everything.  Take a few deep breaths and try to allow yourself to take the time to do so.

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 11, 2015, 07:14:46 PMa man (now woman) holding hands with another women, in our community would NOT go over well

If you don't mind the asking, what part of the globe do you live in?  I'm sure someone here has a few local resources they could post to you.

Quote from: lostconfusedone on April 11, 2015, 07:14:46 PMI like sex and I'm sure sex will take on a new dimension that I can't even imagine, and also may result in no sex, and no attraction to boot.

Yup, things in the bedroom may change.  Your partner may prefer not using certain body parts anymore.  I would suggest lots of communication-open, honest, respectful, direct communication. 

A few other things:

Pronouns-have a discussion about it.  What are each of you comfortable with, and what pronouns you should use with which people in which settings.

Transition-discuss the timeline together.  Perhaps you two can come to a consensus of how fast it will happen.

My, this thread has been awfully familiar.  If I lived in a small town and had kids, I'd think we were married!

My awareness of my gender has been a long evolution.  I haven't been happy about it, except a handful of days when I've felt comfortable in my skin.  It started out small: got me a cute twink outfit, thought that was the end of it.  At every point, I told my wife the complete and honest truth about my feelings.  Eventually... I found myself saying the words "but if I did transition, could you still love me?"  Well... crap... even I didn't see that one coming!  Her response to that "set me straight" for a good 6 months.

So while I can't speak for your spouse, I can say that my wife's experience has been similar -- it's always another thing... it seems that every time I say "no, I don't want to go any further than X", that's a "promise" that I've "broken".  In fact, that was never a promise... it was an honest evaluation of my feelings at the time.  I never lied or hid my feelings... except when she had said that she didn't like something, and I buried it until doing so made me unbearably depressed.

And then, once I became sufficiently depressed, femininity would erupt forth, and I'd be able to think of nothing else.  For days, weeks or months it would be on the tip of my tongue.  I wanted to talk about it, but I knew that bringing it up would trigger a massive fight, my wife would unleash some horribly brutal things that I would never expect to hear her say to any person, man or woman, even one she hated... this from the person who loves me above anybody else?  Eventually cost/benefit favored talking about my feelings.  Better to let it out and take the punishment.

This is why there's a link to suicide hotlines at the top of every forum.  Many of us hate this about ourselves more than our loved ones could ever even comprehend.  Men are raised to be ashamed of any weakness, any femininity... especially if femininity fits them better.  And our loved ones reflect and amplify that shame.  And I want you to know that I have compassion for your reaction.  The person you know is changing, and you're grieving a loss.  Anger, denial, bargaining... it's all there.  And until we learn better, we reflect the culture we're raised in.  Your reaction is normal and understandable.

So.  I've been seeing a therapist who specializes in gender, so I'd like to tell you how that's been going.  Most times I see my therapist, I tell her what's going on with my gender.  Sometimes it's not an issue (I recently had a month of boy mode, and it felt like I'd woken up from a weird, embarrassing dream) and we do grief work 'cause cancer's been a bitch to my family lately.  Sometimes I feel feminine, and she's supportive and accepting... but she asks me tricksy questions like 'well, why do you want to reveal this to people?' and 'can you find something small, hidden, and unobtrusive that will allow you to express your gender to yourself?' 

She's done quite the opposite from "push me towards transition".  She doesn't want me to do something that isn't right for who I really am.  I still don't know what I want.  Still don't know what the future holds.  But my wife is seeing a therapist who is familiar with gender issues too, and she's doing her best to support me.  She ain't fearless, she ain't flawless, but she's mine, she's doing her best, and she's sticking with me.  And because of that, she'll never have a more loyal partner.

To the OP,

here is my take on this, and I'm going to make a lot of assumptions below, but I suspect MOST of them are right on the money, because this is how partners, spouses, marriages are, especially ones where you are +12 years in and have kids to boot.

So here I go.

your partner, the person you married, the person you have laughed with, cried with, had children with, the person that you listen breathe as they sleep, the person that was in the delivery room with you, that was there when your friends got married, helped you through times when your pet died, or relative passed away. That person that you have hiked trails with, raised kids with and who has worked a job they didn't like yet has come home to you every day and watched TV with you every night. (and that's just my quick tour of any couples long relationship)

your husband has approached you (and think how brave you'd have to be to even open that door), and said to you "wife I'm struggling, there is something I have to say, something I need" and told you what is going on with them inside. I think you need to step back quite frankly and give them a long hug, and cry on their shoulder. you need to let some things go and help them.

In this time of his (her) need, its time to be selfless.  even if you need to eventually separate, IMO as thier friend you need to support them. and thats a good point, say you were just friends. what would you do? I know in my case any friend I have, if they came out and said hey I need to be a guy, or hey I need to be a girl. I'd be like... OK.

That is my 2 cents.

its been a little bit and I wanted to share a quick update as to where he(she) and I are at. we found a gender therapist and he is seeing them.  I have good days and then not so good days but I'm starting to realize that he hasn't changed. I talked to someone I can trust and they pointed out that what does it matter? I needed to hear that.

and from what I've seen, he has changed but he hasn't, in many ways the writing has been on the wall for a long time, I just didn't see it.  so that is progress.   I need for this to go slow, and him putting on makeup still is a reality bender that I am not ready for.  Yet, I acknowledge that for him this need of his is not a sunburn, or a flu. So I'm having to get my head around this that we may be sharing clothes at some point. I never saw that coming.

I do love him, and I am giving this my best effort, when we married I meant what I said, though inside I'm being put to the test of whether I really meant those words.

Quote from: lostconfusedone on May 03, 2015, 06:09:25 PM
its been a little bit and I wanted to share a quick update as to where he(she) and I are at. we found a gender therapist and he is seeing them.  I have good days and then not so good days but I'm starting to realize that he hasn't changed. I talked to someone I can trust and they pointed out that what does it matter? I needed to hear that.

and from what I've seen, he has changed but he hasn't, in many ways the writing has been on the wall for a long time, I just didn't see it.  so that is progress.   I need for this to go slow, and him putting on makeup still is a reality bender that I am not ready for.  Yet, I acknowledge that for him this need of his is not a sunburn, or a flu. So I'm having to get my head around this that we may be sharing clothes at some point. I never saw that coming.

I do love him, and I am giving this my best effort, when we married I meant what I said, though inside I'm being put to the test of whether I really meant those words.

Going slow is key when in a relationship.  Fast is disruptive.  At a minimum it isn't like facial hair will go away quickly.  More than likely she will want to be somewhat passable before going out.  If you want to try and make it work, and aren't at all bisexual then perhaps you can bond as girlfriends. 
My wife and I enjoy shopping, similar music, and many other things I would not let myself enjoy.  Those things weren't  manly and I rejected them as a part of fighting the GID.  I finally lost the battle as it were a year and a half ago.  That's at 47 mind you.  Now my wife and I love each other more than ever before and have far more fun.  She's my best and closest friend and I am hers.  It's not the same but in so many ways it's way better.  I wish you the best of luck and hope you both can find a safe path through this.