Hey Cynthia,
Just saying hello today.  I am having to work all weekend because my name change took all day and I was so tired at 3pm I crashed.. I had been up very early to work before I went to court.
Anyway, I really hope you work it out with your wife.. You seem to be flexible..
I am too but my wife wants a dude period.  I am not only not a dude anymore I barely remember what it was like.  I do remember feeling confident everywhere I went and now I am less confident and vulnerable to men. 
I would say that has been the downside to my transition.
For me it really came down to the fact that I am just a chick seriously.. always have been.  That old body guard looking dude was just a mirage..
So I am happy...really happy but at the same time its becoming the new normal..which is good I suppose.
Also the longer I am full time the more female.. or on the other side I feel and others see it too.  Even close friends do not see me as male now and they are like.. we get it..
So, good luck with marriage counseling..  I would stay with my wife as just friends if I could but now I like guys too.. so eventually I may meet someone... One thing I know for sure we will always love each other.. and things will work out.. they have to.. and life is too wonderful not to make it happen..
Love you chick

Dodie

Dodie, thank you. Thanks for the encouragement.

I went to my Primary Care today for my 6 month Trans checkup. I have been on intramuscular injections 6 months. I had my blood test and Dusty had a very experienced person draw the blood. I was flat on my back and I had no issue at all. I said I was told to lose some weight by Dr. McGinn (stomach area). He said you are doing fine and gained no weight while on HRT almost 2 years.

I showed him my therapist letter I presented to Dr McGinn. He said it was an excellent letter. I said I needed another letter from a therapist and a doctor. He said he can help me whenever I wanted, just let him know. I went over the visit with Dr McGinn and how I wanted to proceed. I explained I wanted my 1st procedures to be an Orchi, tracheal shave and lip reduction. He  said, it is not my place but I can not see your trachea and you are tall. People would be able to see the scar under your chin and there would be no change in the ability to see your trachea. Food for thought. He made a lot of sense.  I went over how a type 1 brow ridge may not be optimum and that Dr Spiegel's type 3 may be best. Dusty said Dr S is very good at this and he agreed.

He asked how things were going at home. I went over what happened at Christmas and New Years with my wife and how I lied about my past sexual history, sexual desire and feelings. My wife gave me an ultimatum to tell her either her or transition. I said I needed to see a surgeon. After the consultation my wife said no surgery then after a few days said orchi and trachea shave are ok provided I can get an erection. Also, she asked if she had to use my legal name if I changed it. I said call me anything you want.

I went over how everything came up from the consultation and it was very emotional for 3 days after. They had asked about past sexual and physical abuse and I answered affirmative. I told him it took me 10 months to tell my first therapist and 1 year to tell my second therapist (they are the only two) the essence of the issue of the physical and sexual abuse and how and why it change me forever.

I asked if I could go to a 7 day E cycle and he said my 10 day cycle is the highest they recommend, for a person my age. He reassured me I have plenty of E in my system. He also said my prolactin level needed to be monitored closely ( it was a little high last visit).

Cynthia
I would agree on Adam's apple
I used Dr Z  but did not have much brow
U saw my before and after so maybe u can compare.
I do grs Feb next year
For me now way I could ever have sex now even with Viagra
Also long story but I now like dudes but will not be with anyone until after grs
I know sometimes my transition must have seemed easy but it was not
I know what u are going through and always here for you
Dodie

Hi Dodie, I know you transition was anything but easy, hugs. You are very strong.

I received a call from my PCP today. I thought something was odd when on the 11th it was posted my results would be in my My Health section and it was not. Today I got a call from a MD and not my PA-C. She said I needed to have my blood retested and that I needed to call and schedule it. She asked if I was fainting, I said no. Then was I getting dizzy spells, I said no. Next am I fatigued, I said no. Finally she asked if I am bleeding or have blood in my stool, I said no.  I asked why and she said my B12 was very low and I am anemic. I said I do not eat much meat. I asked how my prolactin was and she said it was 36 and 22 last time and it is ok. My T was <20, low as the test measures.

I eat a lot of green leafy salads, fruits and veggies. I have been slipping on my fish and I really do not eat much red meat or chicken.

Suggestions would be appreciated.   

Hmmmm
Not sure
I so wish I could help
I wonder if it's spiro
It can be hard on u
At one point I took dose down to half for more energy
U could talk to doc and see if u can do that
Ur t is plenty low
Dodie
Pm me If u want to talk in private

Hi Dodie, I have another blood test scheduled for tomorrow, fingers crossed.

I went to the gym and group tonight. My therapist is sick.

I really wanted to see my therapist today and another week seems too long. I have a meeting with my Senior Vice President and a Senior HR person April 9th and I need to review it with her.

Gym
My trainer really drilled my nutrition (due to the blood test results). I need to alter my eating a bit. I really do not like most meat so fish needs to be added (wild cold water fish).

Group
I have not shared an update in two weeks. I don't know how to express how I am feeling in a way that is not taken wrong. I don't know how to share how I am feeling with my therapist either.

Hey
U are a smart chick
Take a deep breath and try to relax.
It will be ok.
Sometimes I think best when I am working out and the endorphins kick in
I feel more clarity and stop and write feeling down
Try it but best when doing cardio for at least. 30 minutes
Dodie

Thank you Dodie. I really need to run/walk the dog at night but not tonight due to 6 or so inches of snow. Winters last gasp, I hope. I think doing the treadmill would be great too. I did 45 minutes last night.

I had my blood test and passed out. I woke up and was able to get out of Mazzoni before I started throwing up. If I threw up there they would keep me there for 2 hours.

I spoke to Dr. Spiegel's representative for costing purposes and needs for a consultation. The type 3 forehead is $10,000, Mendable is approximately $10,000 depending on the extent of work and trachea is $4,000.Consultation is about a two week lead and procedures are about a 6 week lead at present.

Hugs!!!

Jennifer

 

You have come far and did it with wisdom.

Proud of you.

Thank you JLT1 and cynthialee (long time since you were on Susan's), hugs.

I went to the therapist, gym and group Thursday:

Therapist
I tried to express how I am feeling. In short I am scared. Coming out at work, 20 or so people, so far has been great but coming out to everyone is scary. Once you come out you can not go back in. I know there will be some who are haters. I meet with my boss and HR April 9th and I am nervous. I think they will provide full support and ask me what I need. They will want closure and control. I want to just be me and everyone to just carry on like nothing happened.

I discussed that I went to a Grand Rounds (medical training with CEU's for the medical staff) and Linda Hawkins did a presentation on LGBT with an emphases of trans. This was hard to hear but very well done. The Pride group was there. Times are changing.

Gym
My trainer really hit me hard and I was 100% spent at the end of the workout.

Group
I have not been sharing at group. I feel so inadequate. I am scared to come out at work and the event horizon is approaching and some of these guys and girls have withstood such hardship. I feel so inadequate and they are so strong.

There was a really emotional issue at group and I felt so bad for the person. I hope he is ok.

I logged in just to provide a message of support. Be yourself and stay positive. Things are moving in a positive direction for trans-people.

Hey Cynthia,
I know its hard.. but hang in there.. sorry I have been absent.. been so busy.
Dodie

Hi Cookies and Dodie, thank you for your support.

Cookies,

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I went to the therapist, gym and group tonight.

Therapist
I went over a comment my wife said to me that my Father and brother never loved me. It bothered me a lot all week. I was treated different than my brother and sister. I was different growing up and I think I was tolerated. My wife was right. Growing up I blocked it out but being taken off guard really was something I never expected. My father died 26 years ago and I saw my brother for 1 hour 2 weeks ago, 2 hours 1.5 years ago and I most likely will never see him again. I said a lot of other things and my therapist was supportive. Perhaps it is  over, being tolerated by them, but they still occupy my mind. My wife did not think about the triggers and the associated baggage.

I went over my thoughts for the meeting with my boss and HR. I shared with her my Gantt chart but I have been thinking for 3 weeks in great detail. I think I will change my name, come out and express in work. I will get my hair fixed, trachea shaved and orchi and be me. This is not optimum but the rout I will be taking for now. This will be difficult. I was hoping to do FFS and VFS but it is a compromise.

Gym
My trainer worked me hard and we talked about my coming out at work. She went on about where  to buy what and what I need to do. She is very cool.

Group
We were selected to present at the PTHC for a work shop, very cool. I will be working the convention and also be at a work table. So I will be busy and involved with my community .
There were 10 or so new members at group. It was a great session.

I went to my therapist, gym and PTHC youth training tonight. I also meet with my boss and HR to discuss my transition.

Boss and HR
I am out to 20 or so people at work. My boss said the information can get out tomorrow and we would lose the opportunity to pre train everyone. I said ok, I can come out tomorrow.  My boss wants me stop telling people until he and manage the massage. He wants to have installed "all gender" bathroom signs on the single stall bathrooms at work and he wants to have signs installed in all other bathrooms saying "if more privacy is desired you have available all gender bathrooms" and have a diagram where the next closest bathroom is located. He thinks that will spark a dialogue and then training can be done in our department. Then I can come out, with an orchestrated plan. I am sure he wants to make. He said he wants time. I told him I am trans 5/15/2013 and going to start to transition at the end of the month.

He asked what my plan was. I gave him and HR my Gantt chart with time line. On it has coming out at work on 9/2/2015. He said ok, coming out at at work will be 9/1/2015. Really!
I also gave him and HR my costing chart which had doctors, procedures, my cost and Insurance and work cost.  I had the costing for USA, USA composite with Mexico and USA and Thailand. He said you can not go out of country because where I work would be so embarrassed. Really!!

He and HR pledged 100% support and will help with the messaging when I come out to work. Then he went into a what if things went bad discussion. He said we need to do a lot more of this planning and have answers and plans. What, seriously!!!

Therapist
Discussed the above.

Discussed she will be at the PTHC conference with her family. Then she said if I see her and wanted to say hi and talk she is fine but if I just keep walking that is ok. I said I most definitely would say hi and I would want to be introduced to her family and chat. We discussed briefly her family unit and that was the first time she shared something personal about herself.

Gym
My trainer worked me hard and we discussed the meeting at work. At the end of the workout she shared that another friend she knew died. Both were trainers at the gym and had overcome a lot of issues to die young in their 40's. We chatted  a bit. Life is short; life is precious. I feel bad for Midges losses.

PTHC training
We had a 2 hour training. Those who will be with the lockdown area (children under 18) will need to have background checks and prints. I just did that 6 weeks ago for work (we do it every 3 years). I do not know if I will volunteer for a shift in that area. I know it will be very good for me. I think I will do a shift in the secure area but I do not know.

Ok, so something light instead of all the heavy stuff.

I got changed after work today and I was walking in the family room. My wife said I am tired of seeing you walking around and flopping all over the place. Put something on to stop the flopping.

I went to the therapist, Gym and group yesterday.

Therapist
I went over my anger with how my boss has to control everything, even my coming out and messaging to staff. I got over it and am past the control speed bump.

I explained how nervous I am thinking about coming out at work. I explained how I want to dress and express at work.

It was 73 degrees and I had a nice navy blue top and jeans I wore from the gym to group. I explained my apprehension now that a jacket or coat can not be worn.

I explained I have some difficult and dark periods. Usually on the way home from work or in bed at night. I have almost constant head aches again. I think from stress or dysphoria or fear of the future.

Gym
My trainer is very empowering and I have been exercising every night. She gave me home work and she will expect me to do it. She really went into me last week for some marks on my arms and checked them this week; she is tough. She wants our exercises to move outside this summer by Jefferson Hospital in the court yard. She said I need to build my sense of self and not care what others think. She is very empowering and intuitive. She really knows how to build confidence. She is very different herself and she said I need to celebrate my uniqueness and just say who cares.

Group

I walked down 12th street. I had a really nice top and jeans. It has been all winter where I had the security of my coat and now it is spring and warm weather. After 10 seconds I was fine. I do not think anyone ever cared.

Group had some very real and painful moments. A break-up, a friend lost, a family split up, someone on their end of their rope,  and homelessness. Being trans, how can anyone ever say it is a choice.

I went over the high points from my meeting with my boss and HR. One therapist had a very appropriate comment I can not repeat here. The other said I need to meet with their legal department and explain what is going on. I know our HR person went right to our legal department right after the meeting. I think I will just see how things pan out. I had my monthly meeting with my boss today and he went to the CFO to see how I can get my signature authority raised to a very high lever officially. I buy utilities up to 5 years out for the enterprise and far exceed my signature authority. I will be given a much higher authority. So perhaps my boss is just being himself.

Therapy
I had a phone therapy session Tuesday. I discussed how I am in two worlds and the stress is mounting. I continue to flounder in where to buy professional cloths for my height and in the style I like. I continued to dwell on putting road blocks in front of my coming out at work in September. I need to make a decision on upper face work and move on.

I keep looking at people at work and wondering what they will say and think.

Gym
I went to the gym Thursday and my trainer worked me pretty hard. She wants me to increase my  running intervals while I walk the dog. She provided some support about cloths and checked my arms for any marks.

Group
Group was packed with no chairs left. I was invited to go to another support group. That group sounds really nice with subgroups and activities. I think I am going to go. We had a PTHC workshop meeting after group to begin making the workshop agenda and format. It was a fun

One of our regular group members is not doing well. I hope she can work out the issue. There has been multiple people trying to help her but she needs to work it out herself.

Hey Cynthia,

Hugs!!!

Don't even try to guess what people will think.  If you do not know them well enough to know what they will think, you probably can't guess.  Be who you are and treat everyone with respect.  They will come around even if at first they don't accept.

I don't go to group.  I tried once and gave up.  I'm just a little to different.   

Remember, with all this worry to take some time off to clear the mind and recharge a little. Time to just forget.  Do something you really like to do.

You are doing great!!!!

Jen

I've never been in group therapy so I can't say anything about that part.  I didn't really think about what people at work would think, for me it was "I absolutely have to do this, and do it now".