A few weeks ago I got this belated birthday wish/apology from my father.

After a few days deliberation and with input from many fine folk here and other friends I sent him this reply along with my current avatar pic... got no response.

Until today...

Quote[Male name],
I am pleased to note that you had a great birthday with friends, but was distort to learn (from your Mother) that declined contact with your family – does this mean that you are now living a life away from your family? In this regard Mum tells me that she has not spoken to you/ had contact with you for some time (she was visibly disturbed when making this disclosure) – is this correct? If it is your intention to cut your family out of your  life that is your choice but remember the family will be there to support you long after the 'friends' have moved on.

I know J [sister] is aware of what you are intent on doing, but have you confided in D [brother]? In this regard, if you have not I will have no choice to share the very sad news with him then - he will be coming to visit us Sunday next!

Finally, I found the "photo" included with this email a very poor attempt at "humour", if that is what it was – I saw it as a very sick joke and would have expected better and caused from my son. It caused much hurt to Mum and myself – a male in drag, a person whom you (in earlier times) despised. My how times change!

Regards
Dad

Wow.

Anyway, this required a fairly immediate response so I hopped straight to it. Fortunately it took me so long to craft that my anger had abated by the time I clicked send so I was able to remove some of the more inflammatory responses...

QuoteDear Dad

I'm not sure where you got that impression. I'm also not sure why you are being so confrontational without getting all the facts first. I will try to be civil but am finding it extremely difficult at the moment.

I am frequently in contact with mum, even had lunch with her just before Easter. If she has represented otherwise it is probably because she is deeply afraid of your angry reaction to that news. We chatted and laughed and swapped stories for a couple of hours. The last time I saw you, for your birthday lunch in Epping, you treated me like you'd rather I wasn't there at all. But I get it, you have a very dim view on my gender transition. If you can't face the fact that I am living my life and being true to myself then I am sorry. I fail to understand why - given the email I sent you this time last year explaining my feelings and needs and hopes on the matter - that you seem so intent on seeing it as "wrong". During my most recent phone call with mum I told her that I was extremely grateful for her acceptance and support, that I loved her very deeply. I have no intention of cutting myself off from her. I also have no intention whatsoever of cutting myself off from the rest of the family. None whatsoever. I'm repeating that so that it is clear.

I was depressed last week, I felt very unloved and unwanted by my sister and my father. I appreciate J has her own massive ongoing difficulties with the kids and her life but it feels she'd rather push me out of it altogether and lie about me to her child, and make her other children complicit in that,  than give me a chance to help her and them and to offer my support. I also felt utterly dismayed by your belated birthday wish - not because you forgot, I don't care about that because we've all been there and done that; although it did seem symptomatic that you'd just rather forget about me altogether. No, what dismayed me was that you asked for an apology but still couldn't be decent enough to address me by my name - my now legal name. Seriously, you might as well not have written at all. It made me angry and upset, but I still replied and graciously thanked you none the less; and now you have spat that back in my face accusing me of a "sick joke" for sending you a picture. That picture was me happy. Your child happy for the first time in my life after so many years of feeling utterly, utterly miserable. That was not me in "drag", that was not me randomly cross dressing just to thumb my nose at you - that was me being myself. That is me every day now, every time I walk out the door, every time I sit on my balcony, every time I go shopping or go to work or have dinner or meet with friends and mum, that is me living my life. I know that seems incomprehensible to you, I can't help that... I am transgender. Being transgender is a medically acknowledged but grossly misunderstood condition that tens of thousands of perfectly decent people around the world suffer from; and transition to one's identified gender is seen as the best and optimal treatment. To not transition can and does lead to depression and even suicide for many. Being transgender isn't some flamboyant gay lifestyle of choice, there is no way I'd be putting myself through this if it were or if there were other options. So yes, I am transgender, it took me years of self hatred, and even hatred of others similarly afflicted, to accept that. It is a condition and I'm deep sorry that you can't accept that, and that instead that you appear to think I have inflicted a massive injustice on you and the family.

It was not my intention to drive a wedge into the family. While I am not cutting myself off from my family, I do in turn feel cut off and rejected by both you and by J. I love you both - but it is quite clear to me that I am being shunned by you and her and that I am embarrassing to you both. J won't tell S [niece] about me, in fact she has told her I "have gone away for work" so the poor kid doesn't have to wonder why I am no longer in her life. As much as I would dearly love to be, I am no longer invited to anything that J does - so how can I be part of the family? You refuse to call me by the name I have chosen for myself, you refuse to acknowledge me as your daughter, you would rather insult me and hammer on about me being "born in a male body" than at least give me a chance to prove myself as a woman, to prove to you that gender isn't only about genitals and chromosomes. You talk about me getting support from the family, sorry but that is not "support". I have absolutely always been extremely grateful for all your support over the years and I have been very clear about my gratitude. I don't expect it is a thing I deserve or that I take for granted, but I have deeply appreciated it like you wouldn't believe and have tried to repay it where and however I could. But I feel no "support" from you in this matter.

What I said to mum, and I am paraphrasing here, is that I have committed no crime other than affront your sensibility. I have not murdered anyone, not bashed anyone, not defrauded anyone and yet it feels you and J reject me as if I was a criminal or worse. I said to mum that I love both you and J but there's only so much being pushed away, ignored and insulted that a person can take before they say "well, clearly they don't seem to like me very much so why should I bother hoping it will change?". It has been a year, I have been patient and hopeful that I could have been included in family birthday dinners for the kids, J and Mum... that I could have been included in Christmas and Easter. But no. So what am I to make of that? I expressed to mum that if the current treatment continued that I could just stop caring about you and J altogether, not deliberately or vindictively but in the way an unwatered plant ultimately dies. And I would be devastated, so utterly sad. That's all I said - nothing about me "cutting myself off".

As for D, I have told him nothing about my gender transition. We haven't been close for years, not since he got married. I figured he wouldn't be interested and/or that he would treat me like you have with anger and disbelief. But I will tell him tonight. And I will tell him that I have no desire for him not to be in my life, that I would still like to see him and his children but I sadly suspect his wife will probably have no part in that.

I have wanted nothing more than to continue being a loving, supportive member of this family since I came out to you, mum, J and the kids last year. But rightly or wrongly I feel I have been pushed out and away. I would dearly love to be allowed back in without caveats on how I am expected to present myself, and without being deliberately and insultingly referred to as he/him/uncle/son/brother/[male name]. I expect you don't believe a lot of what I've said, but I am being honest when I tell you that my family means the whole world to me... but so does my self-respect and my dignity and my happiness. Have I finally found one to lose the other? Would you rather have a miserable, suicidal "son" than a happy, accomplished daughter? I have found my life and I just wish I could share it with all of you. Please.

My deepest love
Grace

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, dad.

None of my attempts at being reasonable have come to fruition so I doubt this will do anything positive. We live in hope...

Your response was very appropriate. 

Slow clap.  That was great.  Clearly he's not getting it any other way.  That letter needed to written and it was perfect.

Grace, I'm so sorry you've been put in the position of having to write that letter -- that makes me feel very sad.

That said... well done. Anyone who can't appreciate the strength and courage it took to write that, much less hear both the love and and the pain you expressed -- doesn't deserve that love. Not that you'll stop loving them, but you will, as you should, put your own well-being first.

And if they miss out on knowing you as you really are, well, I pity them, I really do. They're being idiots.

Grace,

I think that was a very powerful and incredible letter that you wrote and I'm really sorry that your father refuses to accept the truth.  I really hope that things eventually work out for you two.

Very good response. I doubt I could have been as level and articulate if I had had to write it.
I do hope things get better.

Absolutely immaculate and incredibly articulate response, Grace! I have only seen a few of your posts, but I am really starting to look up to you Anyhow, here's to wishing you many more splendid days full of acceptance and love!

Hi Grace,

Reading the letter you wrote to your father resonated very strongly with me. I'm a little over 8 months into my transition and have yet to come out to my own parents. I will eventually but many of my thoughts do go in how to and possible reactions.

Sorry to hear that about your father. Hopefully he will come around in time. If not, you at least tried.

Best wishes,

~Kamyu

I'm at the very very beginning of the transition process (actively searching for my first therapist actually) and "coming out" to people in my life is something that absolutely terrifies me.  My father passed away when I was a child so my main concern would be my mom and brother.  I get the feeling my brother might be supportive, but my mom could go one way or another.  I recently found out she wished she had a daughter, which made me hopeful, but then there's always the topic of her beliefs.  I'm not entirely sure how deeply she subscribes to hers, but without getting into too much detail, I get the feeling coming out to her could either go really well with lots of support or I could end up being the "broken" disappointment (the part that terrifies me).

I'll get there eventually and I really hope I end up being the daughter she always had but never knew.

Beautifully said!   I hope you don't mind if I borrow some of your language to use in a letter of my own.  I am having issues with my dad and step mom and their "Christian" view that my transgender treatment choice is somehow sinful.

Good luck with your efforts to keep your lines of communication with your family open.   

Dear Grace,

May I express my sorrow at your father's reaction and for the pain that was so obviously expressed in your letter.

You may be abandoned by one part of your family, but you are dearly loved and respected by your trans* family.

Thank you for being a shining light to so many of us.

My Love

Cindy

Reading your letter Grace put me in mind of the letters I wrote to my brothers trying to effect some kind of reconciliation.  I am deeply sorry at your fathers reaction to your earlier letter (my eyes are filling up with tears here).  You are such a strong and vital part of this forum and we all love and respect you, so please do remember that you are part of our family, our dear sister whose vitality and smile we love so much.

wow Ms. Grace, excellent response, to the point , magnificently thought out, covering exactly what needed to be said  exceptionally explanatory of your position and quite  proper response to a loved one who refuses to see who you are and tries to put the blame on you. I hope he and your sister change their attitude. I know the feeling of family turning their backs on you and twisting the blame,

I'm sorry you received that note from him but I think you wrote an excellent letter in response and that it was best that you removed the more inflammatory parts you had written before (I can only guess what they were based on things I would have said in your situation).  I hope at some point in the future the relationship between you and your father/sister/brother can become more supportive like the relationship you seem to have with your mother.

Hi Grace, hugs... So sorry for you that it has come to this.

The response is solid and very factual, it's good... I do hope that things will improve over time for you, although it does seem a huge gap to close.

Love Katy 

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 13, 2015, 10:11:49 PM

From your letter:

"...at least give me a chance to prove myself as a woman..."

Oh, Grace, you don't need to prove anything to anyone. You are all the woman you every need to be just by being yourself. Anyone who doesn't accept you as you, can not claim to love you.

Great letter. You're showing a lot of strength and grace in a difficult time. Hugs.

Thank you everyone - your warm thoughts and encouragement really means a lot to me. No matter how he responds I know I have done the right thing with this letter.

I have a cousin, my father's niece, who is estranged from the family over reasons to complicated to go into. I believe she was also the recipient of an email from my father, probably as blunt as the one I received, and she basically told him to go @#$% himself. Clearly my father does not have very diplomatic skills.

But like I say, we continue to thrash things out. I apprehensively but defiantly await his response.

Grace, you did handle that with grace.

I hope your dad at least has second thoughts.

Grace, I'm so sorry they, especially your dad, is putting you through this. Your response was beautiful and well said. I know I couldn't have used the restraint you did in crafting your response. I know my emotions would have taken over and written it for me. Your letter was written with grace and dignity both things your father lacks. He clearly isn't ready to let go and move on from the past. I can only hope some day for your sake that he does. Hugs.
Mariah

Hi Grace,

I can't believe your dad's email.........and I do not know how you managed to be so calm, clear and factual in your response.

You have very clearly shown where the "problems" lie - not with you! Your dad appears to be very good at turning this into something that's "all about him". It is your life, however, and it is crystal clear you want normal friendly "family-like" contact with your family.......how can you be trying to cut yourself off when you actually are the one who wants to see them?

Clearly the time for "playing nicely" is over, and you have made your position really well.

What do they not get about having a happy daughter and not a miserable "son"?

I wish you all the luck, and all the love, to get through this.
Take care of yourself, first and foremost,


Ros