heh - well you better believe I was so furious that steam was coming out of my ears. The response took me a fair bit of time to write, rewrite, move stuff around and the like that by the time I finished I was sufficiently calmed down enough to reconsider certain less tactful sentences and remove or reword them. The equivalent of counting to one thousand before hitting send I suppose...

so where's the first draft, maybe we can critique that for you.

Wow grace so sad that you've been pushed to this point by members of your family.
That was well written you don't get any clearer than that.
I hope this opens there eyes to see the beautiful woman you are and start showing you respect and the love you deserve xx


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Grace, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you and your posts on this forum are always very well thought out and have helped me a lot. The letter you wrote was excellent, and I hope your father can realize what an amazing daughter he is excluding from his life.

While I haven't gotten into the weeds with it with my dad, after I sent him the coming out letter he hasn't spoken to me since.

This is how he deals with me and when I go against him.

First was when I was a suicidal, misbehaving, misunderstood teenager. After being told to find God (even though he's pretty much an atheist) and one session with the EAP counselor from his job, talking with my school principal too, he just gave up and stopped talking to me. There were other issues but gender was a significant component of my troubles.

As a teen I nearly killed myself with, let's just say an experiment in pyrotechnics. (I eventually did fireworks professionally. It was fun.) He took me to the doctor and started talking to me again. Then a little while after we stopped talking.

I finished school, I got a job, then it was only when I was leaving the country did he talk to me for a bit to tell me goodbye. Then he stopped again.

Then 9/11/01 happened. He started back talking to me again, and came to visit. We had a good relationship for a while after that. Married, kids, etc. I sponsored him for a green card, which he got.

Then I write him my coming out letter.  Radio silence.

Sometimes I wish he would write me what Grace's dad wrote so I could just say my piece but I feel my dad is engaging in a war of silence against me which isn't really comforting at all.

Well, I'm over it to be honest now and if he comes back on his own terms, so be it.

He treated my brother better than me anyway since he was born, and I was pretty much discarded from early on. I don't hold it against my brother though. That's the relationship they have, great, I'm happy for them.


It makes me wonder though, I have noticed a lot of fathers simply don't want to deal with a trans daughter, or a trans son for that matter. What is with that? Are they afraid that it will undermine their own masculinity, or is it something else?

There comes a time when we simply must let go of negativity and of negative people that foster that negativity. Whether you make that choice with your father and sister or not is up to you, but don't rule it out as a choice. Sometimes our own health and sanity means we need to walk away from something.

Grace, I am sorry some family members are not accepting of you.

Your letter was a measured and appropriate response. No mitigating language and to the point. Well Done.

Once again, you are and have Amazing Grace!

I wish parents of all people would stop saying "we support you" and then not do it. They could at least say "we acknowledge your existence and that's about it" since that's what they really mean. It's awesome that your mother is supportive but it's awful how your father refuses to accept it. I think you handled it very well and I really hope he comes to his senses.

Grace-

You took the high road and wrote a well composed, thoughtful letter in response to the garbage your dad wrote to you. I am having much the same situation with my parents and they refuse to learn anything and have disowned me yet again I think. But I try to take the high road with them too in the hope that some day they might rethink their position.

You did absolutely nothing wrong in being yourself.

Stay strong dear 

On reflection, if I'm looking at the 5 Steps of Grief Resolution right, I think this marks the point where he has moved out of denial and into anger. Has taken him a year but he finally got there. Maybe he'll process things a bit quicker now.

I know it's tempting to go for a low blow and retaliate with the same level of disrespect, many of us are more than entitled to it given the relentless unpleasant treatment we receive from our so called loved ones. I'm a fan though of getting "revenge" by being better than them and by being successful... nothing says "screw you" more than that.

Grace, that was a gorgeous and thoughtful letter you wrote.  I can't believe how calm you were...heck, in your situation, I'd probably be yelling irrational things at my parent.  (I'm prone to outbursts). 

Sorry that he's not accepting of his daughter. 

Good luck with life.