I've not yet learned all I can nor am I entirely sure. however, even if I did, I think what would hold me back is the fact that I don't believe people can change. so what if I was to transition, what would I be like, how will I act and say. what influences would come onto me and how will that affect my relationships. my mother is highly accepting as well as everyone else around me. I have the attitude of "if you don't like it than you can leave" and with that, I just go on. even though I'm in the position to, I don't think it would be in the best interesting or its maybe because I'm just overthinking like I usually do.

There numerous factors are holding me back from starting my transition, and it would be difficult to list them all. One is student loans and a job that I will 100% lose upon coming out make it really risky money-wise to start. After that I know I will certainly lose a lot of my extended family members along with a few of my friends, which isn't fun but doesn't bother me too much. However losing my nuclear family members would really hurt, and it is some of the terribly hateful things they have said to me that stopped me at a younger age. But ultimately the biggest thing that is holding me back is the fear of failing myself.

I'll be graduating college here next semester and attending medical/pharmacy school and whats primarily holding me back is society's intolerance, reaction from family, friends, etc., employment. Those are mainly it. I plan on working in the medical field, and I'm not exactly sure how understanding they are of transgendered individuals. Employment is honestly my main concern.

Personally... My current relationship. (it is not holding me back, but making me think more about everything)

My partner is a cis male, and hetero. He told me that if I transitioned, we wouldn't date anymore, but we could be friends. The way he said it was just so calm and honest, he wasn't trying to make me feel bad or anything. I felt he was giving me the choice and would support me no matter what I decided.

I decided that my relationship was more important.

Which made myself wonder... Hormonal therapy is something I really want? Or I want it because of something else? An I just a masculine individual who failed to self express? Hormones are for life, an I sure of it? What about my vaccination/needle phobia? (which is extreme)

I decided to wait, try to explore myself more and solve the issues I have (some mental things that are causing a ruckus everywhere bleh) and rethink it when the time comes. I'm happy with my partner, like truly happy. I don't feel that transitioning would make me happier than my relationship does. Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I didn't figured things out. Maybe he is the reason for me not wanting. But you know what?
The only thing I know is that I'm tired and want to live a day at time. Not transitioning is not what it's killing me. That can wait a little.

Quote from: Joca on April 09, 2015, 11:15:01 PM
Personally... My current relationship. (it is not holding me back, but making me think more about everything)

My partner is a cis male, and hetero. He told me that if I transitioned, we wouldn't date anymore, but we could be friends. The way he said it was just so calm and honest, he wasn't trying to make me feel bad or anything. I felt he was giving me the choice and would support me no matter what I decided.

I decided that my relationship was more important.

Which made myself wonder... Hormonal therapy is something I really want? Or I want it because of something else? An I just a masculine individual who failed to self express? Hormones are for life, an I sure of it? What about my vaccination/needle phobia? (which is extreme)

I decided to wait, try to explore myself more and solve the issues I have (some mental things that are causing a ruckus everywhere bleh) and rethink it when the time comes. I'm happy with my partner, like truly happy. I don't feel that transitioning would make me happier than my relationship does. Maybe it's not for me. Maybe I didn't figured things out. Maybe he is the reason for me not wanting. But you know what?
The only thing I know is that I'm tired and want to live a day at time. Not transitioning is not what it's killing me. That can wait a little.

Good points! Another thing which makes me reconsider is i'm not even sure I'm actually trans. I always hear the "if you don't plan on getting SRS/if you are comfortable in your male body/ if you're not at the transition or die step/etc then you're not trans". constantly reading that online has made me reconsider whether I'm actually trans or just a crossdresser. I've tried DIY hormones on two different occasions (I know, I know), roughly 2-3ish months each time. if not for the physical, the mental changes were definitely reason enough to have me considering transitioning again. The calm and peace I experienced was seriously something else

Hi Clever.

I'm with you, as I'm sure many others are, when you say you want to transition but find a whole lot of external factors stopping you. As I always say, to any therapist who asks, if I lived in a vacuum I'd transition immediately. Unfortunately that's not the case, as (a) I have a family who are bohemian and progressive in some theoretical sense, but not so much in many practical ways. In fact they can be quite reactionary. (b) I have a 4-year-old child, who I feel I'd betray if I fully transitioned (c) I'm scared of employment mobility and opportunities drying up (d) Not passing and the ridicule that would ensue, which has less to do with narcissism and more to do with self preservation and privacy, as I'm very introverted. (e) Having trouble believing that I could normalise and integrate my transition into something resembling a life. (f) Doubts about how and from where my female aspect manifests, most likely because I have an avid interest in theory of mind and consciousness. (g) Losing some part of me (yes, there is still some attachment there. Perhaps I'm non gendered/binary?). (h) And, for some of the aforementioned reasons, fear of making a mostly irreversible mistake (although I've had a couple of rounds on HRT already, so I feel ready now). I'm sure there are other fears that plague my thoughts, but they escape me at the moment.

My fiancee supports me as much as she can, but she's not so sure about HRT or bottom surgery. She's worried about it ruining our sex life, because she doesn't think she could find the same satisfaction in it. She's not against me having breasts, but she doesn't want me to lose or lose use of "down there"...and all the research we've done seems to show that HRT causes loss of functionality.

And it's not like I really have any issues with "that thing". I like it, I just hate my sex drive. So I'm kinda torn about it.

Quote from: StrykerXIII on April 10, 2015, 01:20:32 AM
My fiancee supports me as much as she can, but she's not so sure about HRT or bottom surgery. She's worried about it ruining our sex life, because she doesn't think she could find the same satisfaction in it. She's not against me having breasts, but she doesn't want me to lose or lose use of "down there"...and all the research we've done seems to show that HRT causes loss of functionality.

And it's not like I really have any issues with "that thing". I like it, I just hate my sex drive. So I'm kinda torn about it.

What is it you hate about your sex drive?

what is holding me back? simply my wife, she doesn't want this, and if I come out she has threatened divorce. i'm now trying to wrap my head around actually going the divorce path...cause I need to transition.

Me personally... well, I feel as If I'm not trans enough and I'm scared to actually go see the therapist. I'm a bit of a paranoid person so I feel like the therapist would deny me treatment because I'm not trans enough and my dysphoria isn't "extreme" And because I'm stuck between two names, so there's that... That's what is holding me back. As well as, regret, which doesn't make much sense because I'm depressed and trapped. So why not want to fix it? 

What's holding me back is the reality of disappointing and ultimately losing my mother as a result. It sounds like what a lot of people say but I personally know it'd break her heart... and I've done that so much already I can't bare the thought of disappointing her on such a level. I know she's disgusted by the idea of people that transition and I can understand why (being the immigrant Hispanics that we are) so I know exactly how it would crush her. That's what's holding me back.

I guess....Mainly fear that if I did i'd lose a lot  like friends...family...stuff like that...it's slow though. Was suggested by a counselor I try stuff like wearing the underwear and see how that goes.

Quote from: JaydenPlasmatic on April 15, 2015, 10:19:24 AM
I feel as If I'm not trans enough and I'm scared to actually go see the therapist.

I feel the therapist would deny me treatment because I'm not trans enough and my dysphoria isn't "extreme"

As well as, regret, which doesn't make much sense because I'm depressed and trapped.

So why not want to fix it?

I find that a lot of the difficulties that arise for some people relate to this kind of indecision, myself included.

No therapist should tell you that you're not trans enough, as that's up to you (the therapist is there to make sure there are no underlying mental health issues that would make transitioning unwise at that point in time). This freedom is both empowering and terrifying, as the responsibility rests upon you. That said, the issues that you face are not black and white. Therapists and other health professionals I've seen understand this, and will offer other pathways, such as low dose or short course trial hormone treatments. There's nothing that says you have to commit entirely to your decision to transition, and nobody's going to get upset or annoyed if you change your mind.

I've trialled two separate courses of hormone treatments over the last 5-years. I loved it both times and would continue if I didn't have my own doubts and external pressures regarding transitioning. On the downside, I guess this may mean that HRT alone will not help with your decision to transition or not. I suppose this is why a lot of health professionals suggest (but don't force) people to try living as a female for some time before committing to non-reversible treatments. Of course, it's entirely possible that, as I suspect of myself, you may not be gender binary and are comfortable switching between male and female aspects, non-binary/genderqueer. This is one area where I have found health professionals to be a bit black and white in their thinking, as some don't really understand why anyone would choose not to be either male or female. Sure, there are practical reasons behind their stance, but crucially those reasons fail to address the cognitive dissonance that people like us have to endure on a daily basis.

None of the points I've raised are solutions, but they may help you arrive at some of your own.

Money, really, and time,which I'm in short supply, who isn't in short supply of money really. Time because of the nature of my work and rest involved. Money to get FFS/body sculturing, and not have to bust my arse as much, and time, to enjoy myself more, and complete my studies, and read more, and enjoy time with friends and loved ones.

Money, unless I hit the lotto, or homes appreciate a lot; time, well, I make do.

It's been awhile since I've been here, but I wanted to add another voice.

For the longest time it's been Fear, Doubt, and Obligation. And the last ingredient is a sad sense of self-hatred, which I peeling the layers away from and almost at a breakthrough.

I won't recount my past history, it's here on the forums when I first joined, but loosely I was mistreated early on and groomed to be something I was not. The motives to get me were for their own reasons besides love (they being the parents). That programming did some damage and it's been a personal work to pull through. I feared what would happen if I tried to pursue transitioning, feared how it would affect the family, my friends, and the future.

On that end I dispelled some of those fears; my friends love me no matter what (I won't know fully until I begin the process, but it's a baseline), the ones who were confused or repulse kind of faded away. My parents showed me a glimmer that they don't accept me when I came out to them, and the reinforce (consciously or not) female terms or terms related to what I do for them, but not really a genuine sense that I belong. It's complicated there.

Obligation to care for them in their old age. I figured I could hold out longer and do what they needed me to do (the programming).

Doubt and self hatred came when I started to investigate some principles of Buddhism. The last few years were silently rough between the beliefs and myself. I could not and still don't have a way to reconcile who I am with certain teachings.

Another part of self hated had been a misdirected hatred at men an their privilege, the things they can do and get away with, and other really silly things that just didn't  make much sense thinking on it now. It really came down to the fact I hated who I trully was and forcing myself to deny that. I  was angry at the fact that I was stuck in this body with all it's faults and no one could see what I trully was. I hide behind the internet, because I can express my true self without anyone seeing the real pain I'm going through in the natural world. I don't know if that's coming out correctly...

In the end, as of today, I'm almost finished with a breakthrough. I realize caring for my aging parents is taking away from the time and energy I could be putting towards getting my life started, on track and on the road to healing. Hating who I really am is denying me the chance to live authentically, and denying people the chance to another one, among many, person in this world.

My health is also forcing this to the forefront as a wake up call. I realize sometime this year I may need a hysterectomy for reproductive issues I've been trying to "bear up". I said to myself, " I get a hysterectomy, it would be no option to have hormones in my body for my general health. And If I have to take hormones for the rest of my life, I would rather have testosterone and have therapy to deal with any issues related to my fears, than to forgo any and live in poor health, unhappy and bitter at any and everything."

All the fear, doubt, and soon obligation will completely crumble into dust, and new path, person, time period is going emerge. I'm ready for that.

my wife and kids. simple as that.

if I could get my wifes support I'd be in a dress tomorrow. right now I'm full on stealth. I'm a high functioning closeted transgender person. Though I am depressed, angry, resentful, aloof and have walls up, as a result.

Money, and fear of damaging my body.

It's good to be able to relate to being held back..

If society was much more accepting,... cuz judgment (or fear of it) is probably what holds me most back.
Of course, the money thing is big enough too, especially that I have trouble with that. But there's still 'more' that I could let out, so what's stopping me from just being myself, at least, that's mostly the judgment thing. Don't want to be rejected or become a center of ridicule or whatever...
I still think I'm growing though,.. and some day I'll be freer to be myself..

I tried to transition once before, and I was disowned by my mother. It wounded me deeply, but I could not bear it when my wife left me.t

7 months of separation and detransitioning later, we started to reconcile.

Now I am watching myself fall apart and I am trying to keep it together while I feel an almost palpable sense of creeping doom. When she left me, I failed the entire semester. A 3.65 is not likely good enough to get me into the nursing program and even if it does, my financial aid is in jeopardy. The only other program in the area is completely out of my means.

It may seem cynical, but all it comes down to is money. The ability to pay for care, to afford access to care. To be in a career where I can transition without being fired. I am willing to try to not transition for my spouse, but even throughout continuous therapy (which I lose access to soon) all I feel that I am doing is delaying the inevitable.

Money, or rather the lack of it is the cage that imprisons me in this existential lie. No matter how I masculine the world sees me, especially after detransitioning, my mind screams defiance, but in the end is overruled by economics. I can't do anything if I don't have a roof over my head and "you have to run as fast as you can to stay exactly where you are".

losing my wife, kids and family.

it sucks so bad because I WANT to do this... yet I'm not willing to pay for it by losing the people I love and care about. Though,it could be I will anyway, I know that likely, eventually I have to come out. It's not optional. I've tried to turn it off, and I can't.