I'm 21 and hopefully going to start transitioning soon but I've been so overwhelmed recently with all the worries that go into the process of coming out and passing that I've become incredibly depressed and anxious all the time. I've been binging on alcohol for the last 8 days, a couple days before that it was 5 days and a few days before that it was 4. I look awful. My nose is red and swollen and I have dark bags under my eyes reminiscent of a meth user's.

The problem is I'm just so damn uncertain about anything right now.

I don't think I could pass currently. Maybe I could get close but I have a lot of issues. Firstly, I've got a big, broad, masculine nose that I believe may be a shape just totally unlike any woman's nose, a squarish chin, a large jawline, and maybe somewhat of a brow bulge. I think my bone structure overall is fine in my face but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I think I look pretty feminine but I don't know. Do I trust the unflattering photos where I'm making a weird face and my guy hair makes me look really manly or do I trust the more flattering ones I take of myself in a wig? either way I feel like I'll need some kind of face changes (at least in smoothing out that area around my mouth so my chin doesn't stick out so much). I have a lot of natural fatty tissue in my face so maybe that's a good thing or maybe not. My body sucks. People tell me I look "strong" or "stalky" and I'm never sure what they mean. My shoulders are 18 inches across and my arms at my shoulders look beefy and fat and sort of muscular though my arms are pretty small overall I guess. My hands and feet are tiny but I have a thick-looking ribcage and a sort of thin waist in comparison that gives my body a more sheer inverted triangle. I'm 5'11 which isn't as bad here as it is elsewhere since a lot of people are tall but I still feel kind of big. Not against the average guy but definitely girls and smaller guys.

I'm gonna have to worry about wearing wigs and maintaining them forever and that worries me. I have no idea when I'll be able to move out or when I'll be able to start HRT and if they'll be more changes before then and that worries me. I have no idea if hormones will improve my face or body much and that worries me.  Will I ever be able to afford surgery or electrolysis? Will I be able to get/hold a job while trans? In the mirror today I noticed I suddenly have more prominent nasolabial folds than I used to. Could this be caused by drinking or stress? Will they go away? Will they continue to deepen before I get on hormones and make me look more masculine (my brother has pretty defined ones and he's only 3 years older)? Much more worry to add on.

My family will never accept me. My dad doesn't but may with time but my mom and my cousin and the rest of them (which I hardly ever see so they aren't really that important) never will.

I have no support. I have friends who will accept me but coming out is going to be very difficult and I have no one I can be myself with or talk to and hang out with that knows I'm trans and can encourage me or acknowledge my femininity.

I find myself stressing over all this uncertainty. I have too many things which I don't know and which I can't know. It may need to be a while before I get on hormones as I can't know if my breast development will become too apparent to hide very quickly or if it will take a long time and be unnoticeable. I'll need to move out before coming out either way. I have social anxieties and low self esteem which further complicate the issues.

I hate myself. I've started to think killing myself is a better option. I have higher moments when I feel ok like I can pull through but very low moments where the idea of suicide is comforting. I want to throw all this worry and shame away. I don't believe I'll ever be happy at all as an unpassing trans woman. Especially not where I live and what type of person I am. I don't believe I'll ever be happy as male though. I've shut myself off from the people in my life as it takes too much effort to be around them and I always get distracted by my thoughts and insecurities and stop wanting to talk or do anything but go home and lie down or drink.

I don't know what to do anymore. I just wish I had people I could do things with that liked me for who I was. I feel so fake around everyone and my life just seems hopeless. I need help coming to terms with this sadness and uncertainty.

Big hug! Please call one of the suicide hotlines if you can't see the way. I'm a substance abuser, an alcoholic. I've been sober since 1986. I know what it feels like and how easy it is to keep drinking. We're all hear for you, hon!

Hugs, Devlyn

Hello...

I find myself drinking to oblivion too. When dysphoria is bad it's the easiest way to numb the feelings. The feelings come from the dysphoria and its a physical and chemical thing, it's not just your own head. They get worse and better, probably as you trick yourself and hide from yourself.

MSG me if you want, or others, those feelings are common. Not that anybody who can tell you 'they've been there' will necessarily make you feel better. But you might get some reassurance at least.

Of course, talking to a counsellor is key. Gender specialist brings knowledge and experience but...it is only you who can answer your own questions and, for me, a non gender specialist proved more effective.

Do small feminine things; pants, body hair etc that has helped me.
It is difficult. Time IS helpful...although it doesn't feel like it. Small steps is still progress...

Find the place to get help if you feel terrible. You are still young. I don't want that to sound patronising but I didn't have the courage or strength to accept myself at your age so feel some pride!

If something isn't difficult, it's probably not worth doing.
X

Bleeps and Bloops, I know everything seems so overwhelming that you don't know what to do. Before doing anything drastic please consider contacting one of the numbers on the following page. A gender therapist really could help you sort through all of this too. I wish you the best of luck. Big Hugs
Mariah
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112545.0.html

tell me about it. ever since I came out the closet, all that stress that was hiding away came busting out. had quite a few scares and mental breakdowns. I literally wear my hoodies now because I look like a total disaster.

Bleeps and bloops. I really feel for you. It really is tough being trans especially when you look at all the things you have to work out.  It does sound like you are quite isolated at the moment which is not a good position.  My first step was counselling and then going to meetings with other trans women.  It's scary at first but you will be better for doing it.  Please don't hurt yourself you are worth more that that.  I am sure you are beautiful as well.  Keep in touch on here.  Jxxxx

Hugs Bleeps, it can an extremely difficult and stressful position to be in. You're feeling overwhelmed and afraid and that is completely understandable. Fortunately you don't have to go it alone and you don't have to do it all at once. You don't have to tell people until you feel ready to. The process of transition itself can take as long as you want it to - some people willingly transition to full time before they start hormones while others are on hrt for a couple of years before going full time, it's a personal choice. There is a lot to consider, from wardrobe, shoes, accessories and appearance (for example whether or not you want facial feminisation surgery)... none of those decisions need to be made now. One step at a time, it won't and can't happen at once. I understand the pain you are in - I'd strongly suggest you find a therapist to talk to and address your feelings of self harm and drinking (keep in mind, if you binge drink and damage your liver it may limit your options for hormone therapy). Please take care, you can have a great future.

Hi Bleeps and Bloops, please try and treat yourself better. Even when someone has mapped out their transition and accumulated money towards their transition, been to counseling and got their letter there is a lengthy road. I realize this doesn't really sound encouraging but when I think back to some of the things I could have done to spirit my transition in a more positive manner I think, I should have let my hair grow to ponytail length, I would have been so much happier. When I did start to transition and even when I had been on my hormones for 9 months and it was clear I was rounding the bend towards having to be full-time; I made the mistake of going to the salon and the same stylist I had used before and when I sat in the chair and had my consult I explained that I was growing my hair out and just needed a trim and some layering. Well, in typical hair stylist fashion she took off most of what I had grown out while telling me "If you want to grow it longer, then you need to get it trimmed every 6 months". Why did I listen? For two years I listened and my hair did not get any longer. Why should I be surprised?

In order to grow your hair long you simply have to stop getting it cut, period. It takes between 1-1/2 to 2 years to get to a ponytail with a good fist full beyond the hairband. So grow your hair out and do not cave because after the first 9 months and for a another good 9 months, there is a stage where it just looks really unflattering and unworkable. Eventually people will stop saying you should get your hair cut or that your hair looks like it needs a trim. They will eventually see that you are committed to having long hair and mind their own business. It's not like there is any work to letting your hair grow. I you see yourself a having long hair as a girl the sooner or later you will have to just let it grow. Why wait? Once you have ponytail length hair you can have that much more fun.

Since you wonder about you ability to pass, which is completely unpredictable, I mean there are some girls that have transitioned and at the first look one might think, she has a tough road ahead of her and then WOW. You look at the before and after and you see that she was a belle in the making. But since you wonder then you can at least try and go girly slim. Since you say you have some face fat, it probably gives you some rounding to your features and you can see if a slimmer you helps with your presentation. Slimming is of course best accomplished with diet and exercise. It will definitely make you feel better. I personally recommend running. You start with small intervals of running and walking until you work your way up to whatever you want. It is great for you legs, your bum and your back. It doesn't bulk your arms but they still get worked with the to & fro. Once you get beyond a 1/2 hour the endorphins kick in and your mind will find some peace/zen. You will have more energy and you will sleep well too.

Stop over drinking and become a blood donor. Donating blood is great feeling.

Thanks to everyone who commented so far. My emotions have been all over the place the last few days and the later it gets the more I feel like driving to the store to pick up some more alcohol. When the night comes around I always feel like spending the rest of my day sober and going to bed like normal is just too boring. Being bored makes me stay in my head and it bothers me. Plus being drunk just makes me feel more confident and connected with other people. I'm somehow less lonely-feeling and I keep telling myself that it's not a big deal if I just want to do this for a while. I usually don't start drinking until really late anyway, but when I do I go as hard as possible until I basically pass out.

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 29, 2015, 04:07:48 PM
Hugs Bleeps, it can an extremely difficult and stressful position to be in. You're feeling overwhelmed and afraid and that is completely understandable. Fortunately you don't have to go it alone and you don't have to do it all at once. You don't have to tell people until you feel ready to. The process of transition itself can take as long as you want it to - some people willingly transition to full time before they start hormones while others are on hrt for a couple of years before going full time, it's a personal choice.

I just don't know if I'll be able to hide breast development. I already have a case of gyno which is somewhat noticeable so If my nipples were to get perkier or something like that I don't think I'd be able to hide it.

Quote from: missy norris on April 29, 2015, 04:14:32 PM
I you see yourself a having long hair as a girl the sooner or later you will have to just let it grow. Why wait? Once you have ponytail length hair you can have that much more fun.

I guarantee you, if anyone's hair would never pass as being female, then it's definitely mine. Plus I thought hormones could change your hair a bit? Isn't it a better idea to get it cut sometime after being on HRT? Also I'm not fat I'm just kinda framed big.

Hi friend. I can see that you are having what some may call the standard depression kicking in and the "can I ever pass" phase along with my family won't accept me kind of stuff. I know, I'm in the same craptastic boat ride. Though I'm only a few years older than you, It's not too far off myself.

Being 21, yea I get the whole "binge" drinking aspect. Life for people our age is so much harder and depressing than it was for people 20 or 30 years ago. The job market has gotten tough to get into, You gotta spend a lot of money on a degree and hope to god there's jobs available for it. Social Media has risen through the roof and if you say or do one thing everyone is all up on your business. Life has indeed gotten harder to prevail through if you're by yourself. I know alcohol can taste great and it helps to drown sorrows. It's done more than a few times for me. The key is to keep yourself in moderation when you do drink otherwise you're going to end up in a body bag. Binge drinking is just the worst on your body. I have an alcoholic in my family, another who can be borderline, and another who died from liver poisoning. It will tear what's left of your family apart. Trust me. I get that you're young and outgoing, but you need to get a grip on drinking now. 

The LGBT movement has picked up and it's getting easier for people like us in the world. The passing part is extremely tough to deal with. I've gone out once dressed up since thinking about becoming a woman. It's feels like you're walking around buck naked in your hs and all of your friends are just looking at you. Yes this is how it feels, but in the real world most people don't really care. They go about their lives. Typically they'd look at you and think geez that's an ugly woman, but they don't say anything and just keep walking. Of course if you're gonna look like a cross dresser and walking in clothing that stick out and wear a ->-bleeped-<- ton of make-up, Than yes you will get clocked and people will say stuff. Study woman when you go out and see what they are wearing, how they react to situations, what they drink and eat, and how they look. Following these steps are the easiest ways to blend into society and not get noticed. Now I know you mentioned being tall and having a "manly" face. You are young. The effects of estrogen on your body are likely to have a great result with lots of fat areas moving along to proper area, and if you're really lucky you might feel shifts in your bone mass and muscles. This would really help you fit more into the role. With your face, if it does in fact bother that much, just wait until you've been on estrogen for about a year or 2. If you still don't like than there's facial surgeries that can help. Of course they are expensive, but could mean you being happier for the future. Also don't worry about the hair. Estrogen is supposed to help. If not you could always take biotin, which is supposed to be good for hair and nails.

Yes the job part and having money for all of this is about the worst fear of them all. How can I go through all of this if I can't find a job that accepts me? How will I be able to afford all of this? What If I end up on the streets? These are tough questions you have to ask yourself when you get there. My suggestion is to start saving money now by drinking less. Put money aside. Find a job that will get you a decent amount of hours. If you're in school still, might want to look for a job that gives at least 20 hrs a week. If you looking for a job than find a full time one. These are what you need to cover first before even considering everything. Once you get yourself a foot in the door try to be with them for a year if possible. This way if your were to come out at work, you could use your role currently and have company experience. This would help even you even if they consider letting you go. Get them to say they will let you use them as a reference, even if you have to get it in writing. this can help when finding another job if need be.

Lastly please removal the suicidal thoughts. We are your friends. We are your family. Suicide should never be an option. Ever. You may feel as though your life will never get better and that ending it all will be better. It's not. You have to have a reason to live. Just because the world decided to dump it all on your shoulders to figure out doesn't mean it's all your problems. I understand living with your family may be tough, but like others have told me; if you have to drop them to better yourself, it may help you getting closer to being happy. It's hard to even think about. You need to find people in your area who are trans like ourselves. If there's no one there than it might be time to move to another area where you can be accepted and live your life.

Some of this may not have been the best advice. I'm sorry. There's only so much that I can offer to help. Like I said I'm in a similar boat and it feels like its sinking faster than I can remove the water from it. You just have to stay positive. That's my best advice. Stay positive. It'll get better eventually, but like everything else, it has to get worse before it can get better. Keep on keeping on.

You have a friend in me. Anytime you need to talk, I'm here for you. As well as everyone else on here. Fill free to load up the forum with rants to get stuff off your mind and chest. It really does help

Quote from: CaptFido87 on April 29, 2015, 05:31:43 PM
If you looking for a job than find a full time one. These are what you need to cover first before even considering everything. Once you get yourself a foot in the door try to be with them for a year if possible. This way if your were to come out at work, you could use your role currently and have company experience. This would help even you even if they consider letting you go. Get them to say they will let you use them as a reference, even if you have to get it in writing. this can help when finding another job if need be.

I have a job but it sucks and I get very little hours. early on they were considering letting me go because I apparently wasn't learning everything fast enough and I just didn't have the right attitude. In reality it's just that I'm socially anxious and have to force myself to say things when I need to and I've been so anxious and out-of-it lately it's hard for me to look excited for something like working fast food. Granted I left my last job largely because of depression and issues with people and lost the one before because of my social anxieties. It's tough for me to really talk to other people, especially when I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin

I got that to. Of course I'm a friendly person, so it does make things a little easier on myself. My problem is my anxiety when I'm working. I'm a very slow person and when I'm in an environment where things are moving too fast for me to keep up, I begin to struggle and fall even further behind. I try to keep up and end up rushing things which leads to problems and in past jobs has actually gotten people hurt, lost their job and me losing mine as well. It's hard to keep a job when my skills are so pathetic that management basically takes away my hours and treat me less than a human just so I'm forced to find a better job. I've been doing this for the last few years. It's lucky if I last a year anywhere.

With you having social anxiety, you need to find a job that doesn't require you to talk to others. look for warehouse jobs or and office. These are the types of jobs where you can be you and work alone. Some interaction will happen but it'd be way less than working anywhere else. That's a good place to start thinking about. Hopefully it helps

I know where you are coming from, life is hard for anyone, and being transgender doesn't make any of it easier. I've lost count how many times I've either wished I could just be CIS gendered, or that I would just die, and leave the mortal coil forever. These thoughts were really frequent when I was younger. Not much younger at that, but there is always something worth going on for. True, most people just don't understand transgender people, and that is something we must all work to rectify. We must have the strength, and the courage to face diversity, so that we can look back from a trans friendly future, and say to ourselves, "I was apart of that, I lived through the discrimination of a million uninformed individuals. I stood up for what I believed in, and helped make the future brighter for people just like me." It's scary, and at times you may feel lonely. Though you may be lonely, remember, you are not alone. You're apart of a large group of people who all face the stares of ridicule, and keep on going. Because it is our privilege to see the world in a way most people don't. Furthermore, it is our duty to stand up to our oppressors, just like many great men and women before us. Suicide may seem like a good solution at times, but you are our sister. You are apart of something great, and you get to experience it in a special way. All life is special, you are no exception. There are people who can help, not everybody is heartless. 

Quote from: Bleeps and Bloops on April 29, 2015, 02:55:25 PM
Being trans is just too difficult.

Yes. It is difficult, but can be thrilling, funny and enjoyable, too.

barbie~~

I'd rather be dead, myself... ->-bleeped-<- this ->-bleeped-<-. I have lost everything... wife, home, career, family, friends... all for what?
Since I came out, my life is nothing but ->-bleeped-<- and garbage... I hate my life now. I would have lived longer as a dysphoric male, cuz now everyday I find myself clinging to life for no valid reason. My purpose in life is gone.

You're twenty one. Testosterone hasn't done much to you yet. Hormones will do amazing things. I started HRT a year and some ago at 31, I'm 5'9", and I have a super-square jawline. Despite all of this, I "pass" much of the time these days. Hormones do amazing things, but they take a while. Oddly enough, the internal changes can cause one to be read as female, more than than the external changes, I think. You'll start to really *feel* feminine, and you'll project that.

You'll also be surprised at how many people end up showing support over time. I mean, my grandfather is supportive! Who would have thought?

I'm rooting for you, and I know you can do this.

Quote from: Kira357 on April 29, 2015, 09:33:19 PM
I'd rather be dead, myself... <not allowed> this ->-bleeped-<-. I have lost everything... wife, home, career, family, friends... all for what?
Since I came out, my life is nothing but ->-bleeped-<- and garbage... I hate my life now. I would have lived longer as a dysphoric male, cuz now everyday I find myself clinging to life for no valid reason. My purpose in life is gone.

I don't know what to say to that. I just hope you're like me and you're just having a low moment. I hate the idea of transitioning only to realize you turned the rest of your life to ->-bleeped-<- in the process. It's one of the things I really fear.

Quote from: Kira357 on April 29, 2015, 09:33:19 PM
I'd rather be dead, myself... <not allowed> this ->-bleeped-<-. I have lost everything... wife, home, career, family, friends... all for what?
Since I came out, my life is nothing but ->-bleeped-<- and garbage... I hate my life now. I would have lived longer as a dysphoric male, cuz now everyday I find myself clinging to life for no valid reason. My purpose in life is gone.

That's awful. I'm sorry to hear that. It hurts to hear somebody going through this.

You are a wonderful person, and the world needs you. Where do you live? Is there a trans, or even a TBLG support group you can go to? Can you move to a more accepting and queer-friendly city? Philly's pretty damn good with that, if I do say so myself.

Do you have creative outlets you can express? Draw lots of pictures. Write lots of poems. Not just one, but lots. They'll get good fast.

Hi Bleeps and Bloops. Please, please, please call a suicide hotline. There's a list of them in the forums here. And whatever you do, please don't hurt yourself, and try to take it easy on yourself. I'm very worried about you right now, but just try to tell yourself that things WILL get better, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. I know it's hard to believe that when you feel so hopeless, but say it anyway, even if you don't believe it in the moment. Just tell yourself over and over "it will get better" and something like "I am beautiful and worthy," and over time those messages can really begin to sink in. This helped me a lot, though it took time. I used to carry a card in my wallet that said "I.A.L.A.C." A friend gave it to me, and it stands for "I am loveable and capable." Maybe it could help you to have such a card. Whatever you do though, you need to call a suicide hotline, and if you could find a trans-positive therapist that would be very helpful. Is there an LGBT* type community center near you? If not, please come here as much as you need. Heck, come here as much as you need regardless. I'm new here as well, and am finding this site to be invaluable. You ARE loved. You ARE worthy. You ARE important! Hang in there *hug*

I've had a very positive experience myself. I feel like I have more friend now than before. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback. My parents support me. One of my sister's supports me. I'm living my own life as me. I'm not trying to live anyone else's expectations anymore. In spite of Monday being one of the hardest days I've faced (I found out about that girl Rachel Bryk) in years, I've been very happy ever since the hormones kicked in.

Granted its strained the relationship with two of my sisters. I'm not married. I'm not seeing anyone. So the only other thing I had to lose besides my family was my job and that isn't going happen.