I'm kinda back in boy mode.  I say 'kinda' because I've been presenting as male and not feeling dysphoric... or at least it's different?  I'm not looking too hard 'cause it's easier to avoid my emotions when I'm in boy mode.  Take that, femme-me!  You can do the emotional laundry 'cause gender roles!  (ahem.  uhm.  sorry about that)

At least I don't feel shame about it this time.  But I'm still uncomfortable with the last month or so, when I've been in girl mode more often than not.  I look back and wonder "was that real?" and "what was I even thinking?" and "why would I even want that?".  And then I remember being genuinely happy, happy like I haven't been for years, just for being treated as female.  I know that was real.  But why?

And I think back on yesterday, when the nice lady at work gushed over how pretty my hair is... boy me never liked that... especially the word pretty... and I loved it and smiled and blushed and my voice involuntarily jumped an octave when I thanked her.  And I've taken to avoiding the mirror.  So maybe this is still dysphoria.  I don't know.  I don't know.  I just don't get it.  Guess I should start counting down days 'til I see my therapist.

Who knows.  Maybe this is shame.  Maybe it's fear of taking medical steps to bring my body in line with my self-image, and finding myself back in boymode again.  Maybe it's exhaustion from doing the few things I do that make me feel femme?  I've never put effort into my appearance... why this?  Ack.

I saw Ivan E. Coyote perform recently.  They did a piece on the "femme tomboys" in their lives.  I can dig that identification.  When I'm feeling femme.  What do I want now?  Do not know.  I hate dysphoria.  Why can't I get it cut off?

Hugs sparrow, you're in one of the toughest spots trans folks find themselves in, when you're trying to figure out which direction you want to go and taking stock of all the things you'll lose if you pick one or the other.

I don't know that I have easy answers. For me, I asked myself how I would feel if I could never again be in boy mode, and I knew that I'd be uncomfortable, but I'd learn to deal. Then I asked how I would feel if I could never again be in girl mode. I'd feel like a piece of me had been cut off. That's how I knew I was female at the core and that the male stuff was grafted on after decades of living that way. But I don't know whether that would work for you.

I think your idea of going to see your therapist is a good one.

Hang in there. You WILL find your place. And we will be here to support that journey.

Over analyzing can be a problem if you let it. Sometimes there are no whys, things just happen. We like to think we live in an ordered world, but some things are just random.

You are already in therapy, so you have someone to bounce ideas off who has no agenda other than helping you work your way through  what is bothering you. It might help you to keep a journal about your feelings. Putting down how you feel each day about your body, which gender you identify with etc. One of the hardest things to do when you are in the middle of a difficult decision or position, is to trust your memory. "Did I really feel like that last week, or was it the week before?". If you write things down, you can go back and see where you were on a given day and not have to second guess your memory.

Sometimes when things get too heavy, we just want to be normal, even if it means trying to live in the gender we don't identify with. I can remember dating a couple of guys because I just wanted to fit in, to belong, then feeling depressed afterwards or feeling embarrassed if someone I knew saw me with a guy.

Give using a journal a try. It may help you, it may not, but it can't hurt. Its also useful in remembering what you want to discuss with your therapist.

sam1234

Thanks for the replies, you two... I was mostly just crabbing 'cause crabbing feels good sometimes. But... my therapist has told me to journal... and I keep putting it off 'cause I want to backdate.  And that's a Huge Project.  Huge project is off the table, I'm gonna start now with how I feel today, with a few blank pages at the front.

I have a little Asus Transformer deal. One of them tablets with a keyboard dock. Absolutely in love with it. I use it to write in a journal, making a separate document for each entry. it's been helping me quite a bit (I went practically a week with two or three hours of sleep a night because of my dysphoria) until I can get to see a therapist. If you have the ability, maybe consider keeping a digital journal? It would make it easier for your back dating? Though honestly, the best way is to just start a journal. I do a lot of "flashbacks" in my entries. Just whatever pops in my head as I'm writing.

I dunno. Guess I'm just saying you don't necessarily need to use pen and paper if it'd help?

Hey Sparrow,

What you describe is similar to what someone I know went through.  I'm really sorry that you're in this sort if fuzzy zone right now, but I think that ultimately, it will help you to better understand yourself and what you want.  Just be patient and compassionate with yourself.

Warm wishes,
Ian