I have had some ideas for a while now that I have been pondering. Through that process I have gained some insights about myself. These ideas are complex and have many nuances, but they can largely be summed up by the following:

This idea of woman trapped in man's body is elegant, simple, persuasive, sympathetic, and politically correct, but just plain wrong. It is a cookie cutter model of sex and gender, which most of the human race would fail on one level or another.

In a perfect world, little girls would do nothing but little girl stuff, and little boys would do nothing but little boy stuff. According the Benjamin standards, or at least popular interpretations of them, there are some little boys born who want to do purely little girl stuff, and there are little girls born who want to do nothing but little boy stuff. These people will of course grow up to be transsexuals. But the world is just a little more complicated than that.

As I have proceeded into my transition, I have come to see multiply dimensions to my personality, behavior, and consciousness that in some way touches upon my gender identity, and each of these has its own individual spectrum. On some of these, I believe I am way more feminine than the average woman. This is particularly true of some aspects of my sexuality and emotions. In other areas, I believe I am rather masculine. I am not universally one or other, but both and rather strongly so in each (by the way, I believe this is a common situation among late transitioners, although the exact nature of this mix may vary considerably from one individual to the next). This is probably why I have become the woman I have in transition - one who very willingly basks in her hard won sexuality, but who is also somewhat edgy in her fashion and lifestyle choices. Blending in is not what I have done. Somebody with a different mix would require a different outcome.

For me, the Benjamin standards always suggested a version of womanhood that seemed like it was right out of the 50s. Many CIS women today would fail by that standard. That is largely why I always made authenticity the prime directive of my transition. My goal has always been to match outside to whatever I felt inside, and if that didn't fit neatly with somebody else's idea cookie cutter idea of womanhood, I wasn't particularly concerned. Fortunately, I have surrounded myself with gatekeepers who have similar views.

Thank you for sharing and I agree. In many ways as I have moved forward I have discovered how complicated and detailed my personality is. Also the those medically involved in my transition may have control over it, but are not in the type to stand in my way unless they had good reason to instead support and help me grow as I move along. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: April Lee on May 11, 2015, 10:40:13 AM
I have had some ideas for a while now that I have been pondering. Through that process I have gained some insights about myself. These ideas are complex and have many nuances, but they can largely be summed up by the following:


As I have proceeded into my transition, I have come to see multiply dimensions to my personality, behavior, and consciousness that in some way touches upon my gender identity, and each of these has its own individual spectrum.

For me, the Benjamin standards always suggested a version of womanhood that seemed like it was right out of the 50s. Many CIS women today would fail by that standard. That is largely why I always made authenticity the prime directive of my transition. My goal has always been to match outside to whatever I felt inside, and if that didn't fit neatly with somebody else's idea cookie cutter idea of womanhood, I wasn't particularly concerned. Fortunately, I have surrounded myself with gatekeepers who have similar views.

Transexuality is something complicated. There are also people like myself who never really felt that much different as a child but discovered it later in life

April,

You seem so right. I am questioning everything right now and trying to regain a little perspective. Thanks for this post.

I have read about many who started the journey and then regretted it. I Hate the fact that critics use these as statistics against our community but I do applaud the honesty. I think many had not thought all the way through, or saw transition as a magic bullet that would cure all and make them happy.

Your view accepts the ups an downs. The things to embrace in both parts of the personalities that seem to be in all people(if they admit it or not).

Like Luna, I did not feel like I was trapped early on. Only discovering it at middle age. I am in a kind of dark place right now. However, your comments seem not just helpful but inherently true.

Thank you,

Joanna

Interesting thoughts, April

Quote from: April Lee on May 11, 2015, 10:40:13 AM
According the Benjamin standards, or at least popular interpretations of them, there are some little boys born who want to do purely little girl stuff, and there are little girls born who want to do nothing but little boy stuff. These people will of course grow up to be transsexuals.

I'd have to disagree. Being transgender isn't about "doing boy stuff" or girl stuff. It's about wiring in our brain that expects us to be a certain gender and about dysphoria that naturally precipitates from going against that wiring. I don't need to *do* girl stuff. I need to *be* female. I still do a lot of the say stuff I did when I thought I was a straight cis male.

Some of us are non-binary, meaning that we have messages to that don't conform that wiring. I.e. that it isn't exactly the case that we need to be female or be male.

But as a member of our gender, we can be "like" anything we want. I know trans women who would rather wire a house than decorate it, who drive huge trucks, and who work in concrete for a living.

The reason why I'm so vehement about making this distinction is that I want the cis world to understand that this isn't about what we want to be like. This isn't a preference. This is a need wired into us that we can no more change than our need to breathe or to eat.

In saying this, I don't want to invalidate anybody's experience. There may indeed be people, both CIS and transsexual, who are consistently at one far end of the spectrum for every behavioral dimension impacting gender identity. My problem here is setting that as the bar for how all transitions should  look. I might be going out on the limb here, but I am guessing that the vast majority of humanity doesn't fit into a perfect example of their birth sex across all dimensions. My male life was all about fitting into a box that made me feel imprisoned. If I am going to go to some extreme pain to remake my life into something different, the new life is going to be a reflection of what I really feel inside, rather than somebody else's view of a perfect example of my birth gender. Otherwise I am replacing one prison for another.

I'm starting to see that I have respect, or at least appreciation, for you and your insights April

It's already kind of known that what gender means changes depending on the culture. The idea that this mold or that mold is what it means to be a woman or man is shattered by this fact. Not only that but we can't avoid the notion that who we are goes beyond gender. You can have any combination of masculinity, femininity, and gender-neutral aspects, in someone's personality. Whether I have these kinds of privates or the other kinds of privates, I'm still me. Albeit lots of habits developed thanks to culture and who I thought I 'should' be (including to not be judged).

If I want to be truly me, I can't limit myself to my ideas of gender. But gender is still a powerful determinant in identity, though if I can't tell that I'm one or the other or beyond, what do I do? I focus on who/how I'm drawn to be. And if I can't explore some of that because of society's judgment, then I acknowledge it inside of me at the very least. There's tons of things we don't know about people, because they never express some of those thoughts and feelings. Everyone is beyond what we think of them, and that includes gender.

We don't really know who someone is, we can't judge them based on their appearance or even personality that shows. Some women express the stereotypical womanhood, but really with themselves (still some of them) they're slouches and don't take as much care, or whatever else, and probably feel more tomboyish inside. But they also care about their image with others, and don't necessarily mind that people don't see the other side of them.
For most of us though, we want to show who we really are, and when we can't it's very uncomfortable because we don't feel like we're living who we are, and plus there's something important about the real us being known and accepted. Sometimes that happens later in life, when we realize (whether consciously or unconsciously) that it IS important.

Anyway, that's some of my view

What I am saying is that the internal experience is what is really valid here. I don't think we should have to repackage that experience to fit into an external expectation. Nor should we measure our transitions by those external expectations. In a monthly support meeting I went to last week, I heard several participants echo a similar theme: they felt that they were failing in regards to a particular vision of womanhood that was not their own. I believe the Benjamin standards (either inherently, or through practice) have forced that vision upon those who want to navigate the gate keeping system. I also believe that these ideas are implicit in a lot of the community's thinking. I am guessing that a lot of this has to do with gaining public acceptance, both individually and collectively as a community. I would love and expect tolerance, but I am less concerned with acceptance. That is probably why I have rated blending in, as a goal onto itself, so low. For me, that comes at the price of my own authenticity, and authenticity is the real reason I am doing this. I feel focusing on an external standard ties me down.


   

Quote from: April Lee on May 11, 2015, 01:01:56 PM
In a monthly support meeting I went to last week, I heard several participants echo a similar theme: they felt that they were failing in regards to a particular vision of womanhood that was not their own. I believe the Benjamin standards (either inherently, or through practice) have forced that vision upon those who want to navigate the gate keeping system.

You're right. I think it goes even further than the Benjamin standards.

I think society in general thinks we're transitioning to be "like women" and so if we end up doing a lot of the things that men would do, what's the point? They become confused and suspicious.

Of course we here know that that isn't it at all. But we've done a bad job of educating both the gatekeepers and the public at large why we do what we do.

Quote from: April Lee on May 11, 2015, 01:01:56 PM
What I am saying is that the internal experience is what is really valid here. I don't think we should have to repackage that experience to fit into an external expectation. Nor should we measure our transitions by those external expectations. [...] I am guessing that a lot of this has to do with gaining public acceptance, both individually and collectively as a community. I would love and expect tolerance, but I am less concerned with acceptance. That is probably why I have rated blending in, as a goal onto itself, so low. For me, that comes at the price of my own authenticity, and authenticity is the real reason I am doing this. I feel focusing on an external standard ties me down.

Mhm. It's really unfortunate that there's so many expectations. Who we are inside is what really matters. And being authentic with ourselves is pretty big.

I may have taken your title further than you were intending, but I actually really liked the focus of it; about the persons we are, and not having to fit in as what people think of gender.