Hi everyone.
I have been lurking on the edges for a few days, and now ready to introduce and share a little about myself. I am a 45 yr old retired US Sailor, always considerd myself a crossdresser, but since I have retired I am not so sure anymore. My desires have grown stronger over the years, and since the advent of the internet, I have learned alot. I have always questioned the Nature/Nurture argument and never considered myself to have been born in the wrong body. I beleive my journey has been more circumstancial and with that let me explain.
My mom and dad divorced when I was very young, and I eventually ended up with my mom. I always beleived it was due to the physically abusive relationship with my father that led her to the arms of another woman, but looking back I truly beleive she suffered gender dysphoria and was transgendered. My mom has always presented a more masculine persona, not to be mistaken for being the dominant partner in her relationships as she and her partners always seemed to be equals.
My moms first girlfriend had an older son, he was 5 years older than me and I looked up to him like a big brother, He used that to his advantage and sexually abused me for several years. Although he was never mean, or physically abusive he never the less molested me. He convinced me to perform oral sex for him on an alomst daily basis from the time I was about 8 or 9 until I was 13 when he moved out. By this time, my mom and his mom had moved on to other partners, (my mom has been with this woman for the last 30 years) while developing this new realtionship, my mom spet very little time at home, usually staying with her new girlfriend, this new situation left me unsupervised for extended periods of time, and it was then that I started to explore dressing like a girl something I continued to do throughout my life, always hiding and often purging.
I feel like I have come to terms with the circumstances that led me to where I am today, I beleive that my experinces have had an affect on my sexual desires as I am sure anyone would agree. I am married to my second wife and she is aware of my past as well as most of my so called kinks now, She too was sexually abused as a child and at least has an understanding of why I have the desires I have. she has tried to be understanding and supportive but we still have our difficulties in dealing with this, my major problem is being completely open and not wanting to disappoint her.
So my delima... where do I go from here, I really want to pursue transtion to some degree, I find the idea of living as a woman to be very exciting, and not just in a sexual way. I hope to recieve continued support from my wife, but also understand and am prepared if she decided this was not what she signed on for when we married 10 years ago. I find I am attracted to both men and women, so also a little confused as to my own sexual orientation.
well I feel like I am babbling on now, I hope to find support here as I seek to learn more about myself and my desires and see where it leads me. I have spoken to a therapist on a very limited basis and hope to restart that very soon as well. I look forward to meeting new and interesting people and hope I can offer something to you all as well
happily confused and content
