I posted in the FtM forum way earlier because I google searched FtM forum groups and this was one of the top places, so this is kind of.. my secondish introduction. xD;
I'm 24, and I've always had a big problem with being female since as long as I could remember - felt a crazy dread whenever I'd have to play the girl role in anything "pretend" when I was little, used to try and force myself to wear pink all throughout middle school to be "normal", always felt nauseous whenever I had to get dressed every day, and then became a habitual liar where I'd pretend to be different male alter-egos online and tell stories about them at school until I was a sophomore, when I started realizing this was weird. I finally understood what it was, when I met another FtM person in 2009, and since then, I've been trying to settle with it, and figure out what to do. I'm really scared of change, and am over-aware of the gaze of others, so just going outside I feel really violated ( this is an understatement ) by anyone who sees me, because they immediately see me as female. To me, it's like being looked at without my clothes on against my will. So I haven't been out of the house in about 6 years. I'm joining this site in hopes I can make friends and find a safe place where I can learn more about transitioning, be less terrified and anxious, and gather knowledge of what to expect and look for. I don't know anyone who's actually been through the transition, so I'm sort of floating out here in 'Know Nothing Landia', which is daunting.
I'm way lucky in that I have amazing parents who have not only let me live with them rent-free and happily, but have also accepted me and are even prepared to help. In all honesty, I'd probably be dead long ago if it weren't for them, heh. I'm one of the few who can say that, so I'm not taking it for granted.
However, because of my dysphoria-induced-agoraphobia, I'm technically unemployed, though I do sell art commissions and have managed to pay bills with it before. I don't have health insurance though, so all of this stuff I need to do, I more than likely need to save to pay out of pocket.
Other than all this.. I want to sort of slip myself into this community. You guys seem close and friendly and I've been wanting to find somewhere like this for a long time. I've just been too terrified to really take the first step. I still am, but after a bit of a push earlier in the day, I decided to go for it.
Er, TL;DR - I am a timid dude shut-in who needs some help and friends, please love me xD;
Also I'll probably edit this like nine thousand times because I'm nervous and nitpicky. I've already rewritten it twice..
Edit: Oh, I forgot to mention, I'm an enormously nerdy gamer.. I play Guild Wars 2 and ( heavily modded ) Skyrim like it's my religion ( those are my favorites ), and I hope to be a character artist someday. Dunno if this is anything relevant but uh.. +dons the nerd king crown+ It is a part of myself.
If you ask me to talk about Guild Wars 2, I will throw walls of text relentlessly until I'm told to stop, I just can't help myself.
Was also a major marching band nerd as well. A proud former drum major, I am.
