My mom is super supportive since I've come out but basically thinks of me as lesbian. She says she understands the difference but has never once used male pronouns or talked about me like I'm anything other than female. And she's told people she works with which doesn't bug me but every time she talks about it she uses female pronouns even in how they respond which gives me the feeling that no one understands and she told me about one of her friends she told on Facebook and she read it as "My daughter came out to me as transgender and she..." etc. and when she was trying to talk to my dad about it she said "well at her age did you even second guess that you liked girls." and it just hurts way more than I expected to constantly be misgendered even after coming out and I don't want to make a big deal out of it especially since she's taking it really well compared to how it could have gone, but still...

I'm in the same situation. I was expected to get kicked out when I came out to my dad or verbally abused, but instead I got an email back saying he's supportive. Yet like your mum he doesn't use the right name or pronouns which is making my dysphoria and depression much worse. Unfortunately from other tran's people's experiences this seems to be very common. I think I'm going to text my dad tomorrow and tell him to stop and maybe you should do the same with your mum. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of standing up to him, but I know it needs to be done for my own health.

Parents and close family can be the hardest to budge on the issue. Some come around sooner than others. Some, sadly for them, never do. If your mum says she is supportive I suspect she doesn't really understand what being trans means for you. Have you discussed your intentions (be they HRT or transition, etc) with her? If you are still presenting mainly as "female" around the home she is likely to be confused. So perhaps another chat (or three) is in order. Coming out as trans is really a series of conversations and actions...it's much more complex than coming out as gay. It'll take time, she will probably become your strongest ally once it sinks in and she realises you are her son. Whenever people at work misgendered me (always accidental) I would simply as "who"? to let them know I didn't know who they were talking about. They then corrected themselves. It's a form of brain mapping and training for them!!

Quote from: Elis on May 18, 2015, 05:23:11 PM
I'm in the same situation. I was expected to get kicked out when I came out to my dad or verbally abused, but instead I got an email back saying he's supportive. Yet like your mum he doesn't use the right name or pronouns which is making my dysphoria and depression much worse. Unfortunately from other tran's people's experiences this seems to be very common. I think I'm going to text my dad tomorrow and tell him to stop and maybe you should do the same with your mum. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of standing up to him, but I know it needs to be done for my own health.

You're right, it would probably be easier to just tell her to stop then to continue being misgendered for who knows how long. I'll just tell her next time she does it. Good luck telling your dad. I hope it goes well for you.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 18, 2015, 05:51:14 PM
Parents and close family can be the hardest to budge on the issue. Some come around sooner than others. Some, sadly for them, never do. If your mum says she is supportive I suspect she doesn't really understand what being trans means for you. Have you discussed your intentions (be they HRT or transition, etc) with her? If you are still presenting mainly as "female" around the home she is likely to be confused. So perhaps another chat (or three) is in order. Coming out as trans is really a series of conversations and actions...it's much more complex than coming out as gay. It'll take time, she will probably become your strongest ally once it sinks in and she realises you are her son. Whenever people at work misgendered me (always accidental) I would simply as "who"? to let them know I didn't know who they were talking about. They then corrected themselves. It's a form of brain mapping and training for them!!

I've never explicitly asked to use he/him/his pronouns but I've told her my name and discussed therapy and eventually using hormones and things like that. And I've been presenting as male since before I came out. The only reason I haven't said anything to make it clear that I want her to use my name and pronouns is because I don't want her to think she has to walk on eggshells to not offend me. But it's something she'll eventually have to get used to so I guess it would be better for her to start trying early on.

Yes, most people don't pick these things up by osmosis - you need to talk with them about your needs. Just give her time to readjust.

It was really hard for my family to remember to use the correct terms, until I started hrt. They didn't require nearly as many reminders as my voice drops an continues to go down. I had to giggle for mothers day, cause  she  caught herself an wished me a  Happy Parents day instead. She often refers to me as her child instead of her daughter, which I take as a sign of her trying to be supportive.

Told my dad through text and we haven't talked about it since. I also asked him to stop using my birth name and pronouns as another option to using male name/pronouns. So I think that's what he's doing, early days though. How did it go for your mum?

Quote from: Elis on May 21, 2015, 03:26:29 AM
Told my dad through text and we haven't talked about it since. I also asked him to stop using my birth name and pronouns as another option to using male name/pronouns. So I think that's what he's doing, early days though. How did it go for your mum?

I haven't asked her yet. I'm waiting for her to misgender me to bring it up and gendered language hasn't really come up. But with how accepting she's been so far, I don't think it'll be too hard for her to try.

I came out over 4 yrs ago & changed my name by deed poll about 3yrs ago & have been on HRT for 18 months. I can count on one hand how often my mum has used my new name (not including birthday/xmas cards).
Any time i've corrected her it's resulted in me being told how hard this is for her, in spite of this she is being supportive. She drives me to my gender clinic appointments & when her exchange students go home they always leave clothes behind which she brings round for me to have first dibs before the clothes go to charity shops.

Being misgendered by strangers doesn't bother me too much as I still have visible facial hair but having my mum misgender me hurts especially as she had to remove my medication last year to prevent me from taking an overdose due to depression