seriously. I dont like being gender fluid. of course I can't control it bit sheesh. its complete male today and when I say complete I mean like talking  walking and dressing. its confusing and I even didnt want to take my pill today .-. I know but I need to can't before I lose it.

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Is there an inner core of your gender identity that never changes?
Your moods can change like the weather, your environment can influence your focus, thinking thoroughly about a difficult decision can make you find so many conflicting perspectives that you don't know any more what is right.
But is there something inside you that is not touched by all of this, that is always there, always the same, always yourself? Concentrate more on that which is timeless, accept that life can be confusing, but know who you are deep inside.

I have made my decision to transition without any help from anybody, I did not want to be influenced in any way. When I had made the decision, I went to an experienced psychiatrist to get my HRT referral, and of course they tried to make sure that it was right for me, but they saw quickly that I had done my homework and supported me in every possible way. At that time I learned about the various kinds of trans-ness for the first time, and I found it difficult to identify myself with any one completely.
Had I known about non-binary, genderfluid, demi and whatever categories there are, it would have made my decision more difficult, because I would not have been able to find the right one for me. Instead I focused on my deep inner self and on the thoughts and emotions that had been with me all my life, letting them guide me.
My mind had created a lot of obstacles for starting my transition, my heart had dreaded the pain that it might bring, but in the end I have listened to what my subconscious self had been trying to tell me all along.

its much more difficult for none binaries especially genderfluid ones to transition. idk what my core is but if I didn't start transitioning, it would mean sure death. its hard to explain

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Quoteidk what my core is but if I didn't start transitioning, it would mean sure death. its hard to explain

It seems to me that you are struggling to reach a decision and need to feel secure and comfortable with it.
Who says that I am not non-binary as well or that my decision to transition has been easy? I had desperately needed something to guide me, and I could only really begin my transition after I had found it.
You are young and very bright as it seems, and my advice to you in response to your original post is that you use your mental and emotional resources to your advantage instead of going around in circles. You say that you do not know what your core is, well, go and find it I say, because it is most certainly there inside you, waiting to be found and to tell you something. You will know when you find it, it is like a rock in the surf, a shelter in a storm, your guide through the night.

It helped me to keep track of my genderfluidity. I journaled a bit and found that there were certain triggers. A movie or book with a strong female character, for example, could pull my on the female side. A glimpse of the male me in the mirror could pull me on the female side.

I guess my biggest trigger is my rejection of belonging to one side. my neutrality is what gets me in trouble. I just hate conflict and its like picking sides. blah! back to therapy i go .-. oh joy

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That's the thing one of things that sometimes does us in is thinking we have to pick a side, but truth be told we don't have to. Each of us as to find out where we stand and for some, like yourself, that happened be somewhere in between. The key is be you and go with what works for you. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 24, 2015, 01:26:51 PM
I guess my biggest trigger is my rejection of belonging to one side. my neutrality is what gets me in trouble. I just hate conflict and its like picking sides. blah! back to therapy i go .-. oh joy

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its just like take a leap and see if you land on your feet. for me, I leapt and just barely landed on my feet. I guess its just today. maybe tomorrow I'll feel better

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I have that too (as most non-binary people I guess). Maybe it's still a form of "not letting go"? For me it was never "transition or die"...at least in the early stages. I still present as male and the only things I've done are some sessions with a therapist.

It confused me to hell when some days I just feel male and the whole thing is "yeah so what". Other times I'm afraid that if I transition I may still feel half male and like it wouldn't be worth it "changing". Yet these may just be my phobias.

Basically I'm trying to find out whether I can reach a point where I can be happy without doing something permanent (that is only dressing, hair removal and maybe some other things). Yet so many days I get extremely depressed and panicky because I feel that if things like work etc were guaranteed I would transition right away.
(that's what I call picking sides...certain things you do them or not...you can't half-do them)

There are a lot of triggers, which can differ depending on my mood btw, which make me feel female. One of the things I now "hate" most is that when I wake up in the morning I usually feel male~ish. Like if you wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me who I am, I'll probably have to say "male".

I really don't know (not sure)...

maybe it is because I don't want to let go though deep down I know letting go is really what's going to save me but I just can't seem to no matter how hard I try. the other side of me wants to maintain control because of high risk danger and until I'm out of danger, my male side won't let up

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Quote from: kelly_1979 on May 24, 2015, 03:17:33 PM
One of the things I now "hate" most is that when I wake up in the morning I usually feel male~ish. Like if you wake me up in the middle of the night and ask me who I am, I'll probably have to say "male".

I really don't know (not sure)...

I've said those very words.

What helped me is that you hate the times you feel male. That helped convince me that I was female at the core, and the male part was grafted on from decades of living as a male.

I never fully got rid of the male. Like you, I would still, after living for nearly 2 years a female, say I was male if you shook me awake. But I'm happy living full time as a female.

I'm worried therapy isn't working anymore. the more I talk, the more confused I get over shifting spectrums. it sea like imma have to renounce my neutrality. as a male, I'm invisible to the worried. I'm left alone but when I do act female, I get lashed at, taunted and I get abusive threats.

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well today its 40 male 60 female .-. blah

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Find questions to ask yourself to which your answer is always the same, regardless of your changing perspective.
Explore your deepest wishes, fears and emotions.
Grab them with your conscious mind and make sense of them.

For me, some of those invariant thoughts and feelings always were and still are:

- Do I want to be one of the girls and women I see? (Yes)
- Do I want to have to live up to others' expectations towards me, having to conform to a male role? (No)
- Do I really want to develop the female attributes of my body? (Yes)
- Will I ever be able to be happy with myself if I do not transition? (No)
- Can I identify with the men around me and be myself trying to be one of them? (No)
- Do I feel much better identifying and mingling with the girls and women around me? (Yes)

There is more, but in the end my realizations are probably not relevant for your situation.
You must find your own identity before you can find peace.
If you discover that you can not commit yourself to one point on the spectrum, you should accept that as your identity, at least for now.

I really think it's because of how I see myself as well as my constant of over thinking things and my need for confirmation that stops me from moving until I see my theory is true. like today, my mind is racing and I can't shut it off. doubt than putting my foot down saying this is what I want than I doubt again and the cycle just continues. I think my fluidness comes from the fact that my brain just won't shut down long enough and it causes my confusion when in fact I know what I want and the path I'm taking is the one that will set me free.

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Isn't there even one thing that you are always sure of, that you can never turn into the opposite no matter how much you overthink?

there are. I guess I'm over thinking this is because, 22 years of one big lie and eventually convincing yourself you'll never break free but than your giving the opportunity to release yourself and be set free but because of the lies. its like that. I've spent the last year trying to piece together myself and I was rewarded. but because my happiness seems to be everyone's favorite thing to trample on, I'm getting scared and thus my over thinking starts and my constant fluctuation begins

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The answers can only come from within yourself.
Sort your feelings, know which of them are really your own and which are fears put into you by society and your environment.
Find something to hold on to in your confusion, learn how to use your fluctuating perspective to see more clearly that which is not changing.
Focus your mind on your goal (think badass), which may be finding peace, reaching a decision, coming to terms with your needs and your fears.
Decide whether you have the willpower to wrest insight and progress from your confusion.

I'll see what happens after my therapy appointment on Wednesday. hopefully I can get a little closer to finding an answer

Good luck with the appointment. I hope it gets you closer to answers. I wish I could say they come quickly but often we might not make a whole lot of any progress and then we go zooming along. You will get there. Hugs and good luck
Mariah

Quote from: Echo Alcestis on May 25, 2015, 01:19:53 PM
I'll see what happens after my therapy appointment on Wednesday. hopefully I can get a little closer to finding an answer