Hello,

my name is Karen ( the female name I choose ).  "Officially" for this forum it is Kaeren because Karen was already taken.  Ever since I was a child I felt nature made a mistake. Maybe I was a bit jealous and I still am. I think that all nice clothes are supposed to be for women while all the ugly stuff is for men. And I also want to have nice things.  I used to hide my female clothes under my bed untill my mother found them. One day she found a female swimming suit in the bathroom which I left behind by mistake. First she thought that some girl took a bath with me. Later she understood I was the one wearing the swimming suit.

I would prefer to be female but I am not sure that the transition would have success. I have hidden it for many years. I hated the hair that grew on my body during puberty. I even became a macho bodybuilder only to have a reason to shave my legs and arms. I always told people this is part of my sport.  Allthough since a few months I dare to tell the whole truth to some close girlfriends.  One proposed to "help" me.  I see myself as a lesbian with a male body. Allthough I probably would feel attracted to men as well if I would have a really feminime look.  All the fantasies I have go like that.   

With my membership of this site I hope to find some soulmates with an open mind. And maybe one day find the courage to really go all the way.

So don't hesitate to react. I am here to learn a lot and hopefully make some special friends.

Karen.

PS : If anybody knows how to add a picture I would like to hear about it. I don't seem to be able to do it without help.

 

Hi Karen,

Wellcome to Susans - I am sure you will enjoy your stay. Ypu will not be able to upload your picture until you have 16 posts.


Alice

Testing images ...

This is me a 'few' years ago. I'm older now. Above 18 / 21 anyhow.



Posted on: November 21, 2007, 04:11:30 PM

---

Thank you for replying Alice.

My first answer from somebody !!!

I tried something with a picture but I messed up I think. I'll try to have 16 points soon. It seems to work with a hyperlink but the size is a bit wrong I guess. I also needed to put it somewhere on the net first.

I am sure I will enjoy it.

Thanks.

hi, Karen,

I think you could choose 'karen' for 'Karen' as your nickname.

My lifetime as a transgender seems to be similar with yours. I first tried to wear silk stockings at night when I was about 4 yrs old. It was difficult for a toddler to wear, but my mother woke up to help me out. But, I remember that I was disappointed that It was too large for my legs. Since then, I had been strangely attracted to silk stockings, heels and other feminine accessories. After entering elementary school, I learned about fetishism from an encyclopedia that described it as psychiatric. I tried to hide my fetishism, but I sometimes tried to purchase and wear them during my teenage. During my teenage, people around me kidded or seriously commented that I am like a woman, but I did not realize why they did such.

At 40's, as I got a kind of confidence as a head of family, I was indulged into crossdressing. A lot of episodes and events that I can not detail here.

One thing haphazard is that those stockings and heels now fit well to my legs, and women including my wife acknowledge it. Does this mean that I was programmed to wear stocking and heels when I was a baby? I am not sure but I do not think it is fetishism in a strict sense.

I also hope to learn from you, and sharing emotions and difficulties from our everyday's life.

By the way, you did find a way of adding pictures here.

Barbie~~

Welcome to Susans place Karen

Hello Karen and welcome to Susan's!  Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules before posting, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

Welcome Karen!!! relatively new here too and just starting out, and this site has been GREAT. A wealth of information. Look forward to hearing more from you.

Karen,

I also remember that I once wore the high-heel boots of a lady who visited my home when I was 4-5 yrs old. It was too large, but I played with it with my sister. After starting purchasing some heels, I also tried boots. In my country, the biggest shoe size for women is usually 255 cm, and I need 265 cm. Fortunately, I have my own 6-inch heel boots purchased at a Walmart in the U.S.

A problem is my height. I am already too tall as a women, even as a man in my country. Wearing 6-inch heel makes my height look like 197 cm (6 feet 6 inch). A few weeks ago, I wore it with black bootleg jeans in the morning. I was wating for a public bus. Drivers glanced at me, and it was not a problem. A girl at 8-9 years walked toward me while chatting with another girl. The little kid was so naive to speak immediately whatever she is thinking like "She or he?" "Too tall!" And she screamed. I was a little perplexed, but did not say anything. Just sitting on the bench there. As I was so calm, she seemed to be relieved. While her friend was as calm as me, and sat down next to me, while not say anything.

I also watched 'The crying game, but more moved by the movie 'Boys don't cry'. I also once liked a feminine boy when I was about 10 years old. He is still one of my old friends, and recently I met him again in more than 20 years. But, sexually I am attracted to women, especially myself (I am a narcissist).

Journey to an open and full crossdress is not easy in any society. I once wore heels at my workplace, but never again. No skirt at my workplace. I am eager to do it, but I also care of others and harmony of my workplace. I do not want to disturb my workplace too much, but a few people here think I already did.

Slow moving would be better.
And "Just do it".

Barbie~~

Barbie,

My feet size is 42. I don't know what that means in cm or so but here in Belgium 41 and below is for women and 42 and above is for men. For a man I have small feet in other words. I suppose I could squeze into 41 but it is at the limit.

My height is 1m86 cm. That's high I suppose but there are women that are that big also. Even bigger. Asian people are smaller than europeans I think. Last year my wife proposed to dress me up for a new year party but then I refused. I wouldn't refuse again if she would ask again. This morning I saw somebody on a bus who might have been a man but dressed like a woman. But he/she didn't even come close to how you look. On some pictures I see it from you but on others not at all.

I don't know Boys don't cry but I will try to find it. I remember being 'in love ' with my friend in school when I was 14. But the feeling didn't stay really long. And I once plaid strip-poker with a friend. But nothing else happened and working out afterwards I often stood under the public shower with the others. But I can't say it excited me. I don't fall for men. At least not if they look like men. Some years ago a boy followed me to the toilets when it was new years eve. He came standing next to me and made it clear what he wanted. But I told him it is not my thing. And my professor of economics did the same once later. She showed me his bedroom in his house in Gent. But again ..... it's not my thing. But I find you attractive. You look lie a woman. That's why. You are attracted to yourself, so ... .

I don't think I am a narcissist, not of the heavy kind anyhow.But for long I didn't have a girlfriend, so I was my own girlfriend. That's what happened. And then suddenly I was never without a girlfriend anymore but the feelings stayed. One of them asked me to penetrate her in the other way. She likes that but I couldn't. It's again not me. Not even with a woman. On the other hand I think I could do it in an oral way but I never did neither.

I would feel ok to go in public if I would look more like you. But I don't and people would see immediately. I had dreams about going to work in a skirt. But it didn't happen. And it's not about to neither. It would be death sentence I think. But I would do it for special occasions like new year. Or to go to the movies with a friend in the dark evening. My friend proposed something like that.

Slowly but surely. That's my motto also. As well as Just do it. I will you know. But I need to prepare some people also. It's not only myself I need to change, also the people around me.

Karen.

PS : Thanks for communicating !

Hi Kaeren you were truly a beautiful looking child, ehhhh, even with the little bit of mischief  I see in the eyes.

Cindy

Hi Karen...Welcome!! 

Hi, Karen,

Welcome to Susan's Place!  Other staff have already given you the spiel, so I won't repeat them.

I look forward to your contributions to this site

Karen

Hi Karen and Welcome     

buttercup   

Thanks to everybody above. I'll try to be a "good" member.

For cindy
---------

I still am a bit "wicked" you know.  But it's not really evil or so. It's more playing.  Messing up things in a rather harmless way.  My son has it also. Sometimes his eyes are shining in a particular way and then you know it's time to hide. It's a bit like Lino Ventura, a french actor, once said.  "Ce n'est pas méchant." It's not aggressive let's say.  Well .......... the beast isn't really a beast you know. The outside beast is normally very kind in nature. And so am I. I think. You should ask somebody else I suppose.

Hi, Kaeren, and welcome to Susan's!

You have much to share and this is a good place to do that.  Enjoy your journey!

Wing Walker

Hi Kaeren

Well there is a few of us like that on the board. I am 62 and I never want to grow up or go back to Kansas, I wanna stay in Oz. Yes of course, I like getting into mischief to, but not to hurt anyone, never to hurt anyone, isn't that the Prime directive in Star Trek? I just got a good sense of humor, I believe I keep Wing Walker feeling young to for certain. She is doing well learning to chilout.

Cindy

Cindy,

The prime directive in Star Trek is not to interfear with the internal affairs of other societies. The first law of robotics ( cfr. Asimov ) however is not to bring injury to a person either by action or lack of action. One could suspect watching Bicentennial Man with Robin WIlliams that he changed into a woman. In order to become completely man society forced him to die. But there is a little smile on the female robot at the end. And it leaves a doubt to whether he is really dead or not. Maybe he became a woman in his second life.

I personally believe that as medical science progresses that it will be more and more easy to change into anything you want. The essence of life is change. Some insects for example have different lives. Because insects are smaller they are also forced into progressing faster. Again as a personal idea I believe that SRS is part of evolution. It is a bit arrogant to think so perhaps because what I reaaly say is that this is the next step and that those doing it are further developed than others.

But it was about harming people.  I agree that one shouldn't harm another but then I have another question. What does it mean to harm somebody ? The answer to that is not so easy. In Start trek there is a figure named Q I believe, which has massive mental capabilities but is a complete pain in the ass. You see, I have a cartoon my son watches sometimes. It is about a prince sitting on a throne and being fed cakes all the time with a golden spoon.  The result is that the prince becomes a disaster, he looses his spinal chord. In Belgium the royal family has a reputation of being a bunch of morons. I shouldn't say this but it really is so. You know why they are morons ? Because they have themselves served all the time. NO PAIN NO GAIN. That is so with bodybuilding, it is also so with SRS I suppose.

The problem is that it harms not to harm. Because harm on the short term becomes gain on the long term. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My boss always talks about slowly but surely. If you link pain to change and the world is all about changing then progressing too fast or not at all is negative while progressing slowly but surely is ok. At least that became my rule.

One could talk for hours about this. Maybe we do live in Oz or in a matrix ? Who will tell. But isn't it the perception of matters that really counts ? Some metafysical or fysical theory ( quantum mechanics ) tells us that only watching something already changes the subject. Only watching Elvis harms him. And he has been watched by everybody.

If I would give my children all the time everything they want and even immediately then I would obviously not harm them on the short term but also obviously I would harm them on the long term.

NO PAIN NO GAIN. That's the way it is.

Kaeren

PS : May the force be with you !

Hi, Karen,

I missed mentioning that I could read a girl from your old photo, especially from your eyes and eyebrows. I also was like you. My uncle and aunt sometimes comment that I was 'pretty' when I was a kid. I also have my own black/white old photos, but I do not have them right now.

I also noticed that some Scandinavian women are as tall as me, and I was less noticeable by my height. Although average height of people in my country is longest in East Asia, very few women are as tall as me. My height alone make people think I am a man whatever I wear and look. In Finland, a few people recognized me as a women even in men's dress.

Wearing high-heel boots once threatened my life. My country is safe even in downtown, because of dense population. There are always several persons within 30 meter radius from me. Girls and ladies walk in streets at midnight. I do not mean that there is no crime, but I alone can walk at night in downtown. But some countries are not safe.

In the U.S., about 3-4 years ago, I drove alone in full dress. I wore high-heel boots and black bootleg jeans. I stopped at a mall to purchase something. It was about 8 PM on a day closer to Christmas, as I remember. The mall was crowded.

One middle-aged guy, apparently drunken, took attention of me, as I felt. I tried to avoid him, but he approached me, saying "Ma'am, you are too tall as a woman." And he continued to stalk me. I walked toward the maintenance counter to get help. Then he disappeared.

When coming out from the mall, then surprisingly he stalked me again. I mistakenly thought that I can run to my car faster than him, as he was drunken. I ran, but I soon realized how difficult running on heels is at the first time. He chased me, and there was no other people in the parking lot. I lost my head, and just unlocked the car door to drive away. He then sat beside and closed the door.

I also realized again how weak I am as a man. He was drunken but his muscles were still far stronger than mine. I became under his control. He caressed me, and I do not detail it here further.

Finally, a funny but critically serious situation. He pulled down my jeans and underwear, and detected my male thing by his hands. Then he tried to take away it, as if it was a kind of attached accessory. He tried it several times, and then he eyes were opened wide, realizing that it is a genuine one and I am a man. At that moment, I thought I might be killed as he was so upset as he realized he was cheated.

Then, fortunately, he just ran away, and I also hurried to drive home.

A few weeks later, I saw security became more intense there, and heard news about rape. I should have notified the police to avoid possible rapes there, but I did not. I was sorry to the unknown rape victim.

The same high-heel boots and black jeans made a girl scream in this country. Next time, I should wear tights or stockings with the boots to look more feminine and feeble. I guess the black jeans aggravated the situation by making me look aggressive.

I do not watch TV so much. I only occasionally watch TV news.

Thanks for your reading,

Barbie~~

Hi Karen
I have just now reread your introduction. You ask about finding a mate on this group, it is a possibility, This was where my Soul Mate, Wing Walker and I met 5 years ago. So yes, you never know. If you do I will pray that he/she will be perfect mate for you.

As for photos you need a public file server, like photo bucket.com for instance. I stuck with photo bucket because even for a computer illiterate like me I can figure out how to work it. You transfer the photo into a link and post it in your post and, "bingo."

Cindy   

Cindy,

It's true, I would like to find a mate. I mean a friend or friends. It must have been 1994 when I came on the internet I think Then it was impossible to find just anybody from my, own country. My first penpal was from Colombia. Lina is her name, she liked to travel. Over the years I remained on the net but I was never part of any forum whatsoever. Untill now.

I'm fed up with "suffering". And I'm looking for the summer.  This is why I am here. I never wanted to be a guy but I am. But I don't have the guts nor the knowledge to change it. And that is what I hope to find out. Inform myself and surround myself with people that won't attack me because they are just like me. I'm not naive to the point I don't understand the dangers.

I used to be very interested in computers but nowadays I use them as I would use a car. I have a portable from work and that is what I am using now.  For the pictures I posted I used my personal webspace. I saw there is a button to insert an image when you post something. So that worked, I suppose it is the same principle as a "public file server".  Yet the moment I pull out the plug on the personal webspace, I mean when I remove my pictures there, then they won't be visible here any longer neither. I understand the reasons why this is done so. It limits the server space needed for the forum of course.

Karen



Posted on: November 23, 2007, 03:12:09 PM

---

Barbie,

I will always be a guy.  I have no illusions about that.  Even if I will and I think I will eventually change ... .  The way you live is how I would like to live also .  But I will do it step by step. People now already look at me because my arms are shaved and I always pull up my shirts so that my fore-arms are visible like when you plan to work. But nobody gives me remarks. It has always been like that for me. I also feel dirty when my legs are not shaved. But don't even look a little bit like a woman. ... Not yet. ;-)

I used to get comments when I was young that I have little holes in my cheeks when I smile. It's not really seen on that old picture but it still is so. Nobody really told me I was pretty, or handsome.  Tell you the truth, for the rest .......... I am bit disappointed about a lot of things that happened in my life. I have been treated quite rough for many years. I don't mean remarks about looks only but in other ways.  I used to have a boss which is a complete ->-bleeped-<-. From day one he made a sport out of it to ridicule me.  I still see him sometimes now. It always breaks my day. I didn't dress well, I refused to put on a tie and he couldn't live with that, I didn't look well, I gave my work to others instead of doing it myself, I am a monkey or even a pig, and so on .... . Things like that. Once he laughed at me also because in his eyes I was supposed to be a virgin, I never touched a woman in my life he said. In front of everybody of course again. And of course he thinks of himself as a good and correct person.  My ass, if they call him "the fuhrer" there must be reason for it. What was my crime ? I outclassed him, that was my crime. His son studied computer science at the university but failed. At the same moment I did a master in computer science while still working also. And I finished first in 100 students and I was stupid enough to tell him. So he had to break me. And he did. But he was unable to kill me and I'm better of now without him !!!  The paradox is that my new boss is the mistress of my old boss. He could break me but not my reputation. And she is bigger than he is, a lot bigger !

I have changed all of my life.  It's like one big transformation.  I have a picture where I look like the twin brother of Ricky Martin. But it's also already some years ago. I changed again.

On these last pictures you really look feminine. I find you are supercool, especially with the open black shoes !!!

Your rape-story ... . A few months ago I was walking on the street in Brussel.  Suddenly, and I felt it, a guy approached me from the back ( muslim kind ). Niki, an IBM programmer I used to know, was thrown some product in her face once in the shopping street and they took her portable computer. So there I was walking ... with my portable computer on the street. I looked at him right in his eyes without saying a word and he said "Are you afraid sir ? ". I didn't answer but instead I kept on walking. I used to be a bodybuilder, I still am strong even after a few years of non-activity. He wouldn't have made it with his arms but he would have used "hit and run" if I wouldn't have looked him in the eye I think.

Two weeks ago they brooke the window of my car. GPS stolen, GSM stolen, wallet stolen. I left he car behind for 10 minutes in the center.

Some guy where I work once took me in the penis-area. I'm still not feeling good about it. We were standing in the elevator and suddenly he did that. First it looked like a joke. And I suppose it was intended that way but he doesn't know where to stop, he doesn't know where the difference is between a joke and being serious.  Afterwards when I saw him I always protected the 'spot' in a way that was well seen by everybody because I told ... everybody about it. But he continues and the joke became an unpleasnt reality. If I meet him again I will simply leave the elevator.  He's not gay or so you know.  It's just a lack of respect.

In Brussel having people at even 10 m from you will not help. If you are attacked they will all ignore it and continue to walk. I know about one person being killed because he put cameras in the drug dealer street. Another one was stabbed in the leg with a knife on the subway, my own car was robbed 4 times now, I have faced several verbal attacks also ( from muslims ) over the years for only looking at them, ... .

==============

John Travolta is on the TV ... as a woman. As a big woman. My wife just told me, I did not recognise him.

=======================

One of my colleagues told me he once took a woman to his home.  He went out in the evening, they liked each other, they both went to his place and then ......... when she took of her clothes he realised she was a he.  And ........................ she left again.

It's a bit like that in "the crying game" also.  I found your story almost erotic you know. He took of your jeans and also your underwear ... .  Sorry.  I have a bit strange mind perhaps. I want to be a woman with another woman. To me that thing there in the middle does not really matter as long as the rest looks female. In fact it even excites me more than a real woman. To the point that it is exactly what I want for myself. How I want to be.

And here at least I can tell.

Karen.