My transitioning broke my wife's heart. She lost her husband and it hurt her deeply.
It was what I had to do, and I had to accept the consequences.

It's true that we all have to fit into a heteronormative society, and that gets more difficult the less we fit the expected mold. Personally, I've been quite fortunate - no one who mattered objected to my transition, and I'm happier living as a woman and a perceived lesbian than I was as a straight man, even with the additional hassles. (My wife is also happier being seen as a lesbian than as straight, so I was *very* lucky there.)

I'm afraid I know next to nothing about the situation for trans people in India, so you have only my wholehearted support and best wishes!

Thanks for the wishes Ainsley and Jenna Marie.

@ treeLB: So sorry to hear that. 

The problem with the questions I have is the implication that there is choice or control but my experience with transition was that I had very little control of how things would go. Even of my self trying to make compromises and deals with myself and SO all failed. I simply had to have my life as a woman as complete as I could there was never room for compromise it just took me a while to figure that out.

Quote from: cindy16 on April 12, 2015, 11:30:22 AM
However, I did face a couple of questions regarding this from my therapist today. He had been asking me a lot about my relationship with my wife, her reactions to my 'cross-dressing' and what parts of my being trans and transitioning is she okay with. Then he put it down in the form of 2 simple questions:

1.) Suppose you have been on HRT for several months, have fixed a date for surgery, and your wife has been supportive all along. Then she tells you not to go ahead with the surgery. What would you do?
2.) Suppose she decides right now that anything other than 'cross-dressing' is not OK and she can't live with it. What would you do?

What do you'll think about these two questions and my responses?

The questions and your responses are reasonable first steps in understanding feelings before starting the process. Looking back as to how I would answer these questions in the past year and a half, my answer would change every two weeks based on my feelings and that of my wife. There are many ups and downs. Times of acceptance and times of fear and worry. Our respective attitudes toward transitioning changes over time as my transition advances. Similar to your earlier comment, feelings becomes very complex when you are trying to find a balance between protecting your SO from harm while addressing your needs.

Last week, I thought we would eventually drift apart. Then, my wife reaffirmed her love and commitment to me, but there has to be compromises. Physical intimacy will eventually have to come to an end. This is very difficult for me especially when HRT and coming out has opened my emotional side. We have found other ways to strengthen our relationship. Of course, two weeks later this condition will change for the better or worse, and so will our outlook on our relationship.

I do feel that we have too much in common to be separated. My wife's acceptance has improved over time, and I love her for that. However, our relationship will be much different from when it started. You are taking a thoughtful approach to moving forward, and I hope that you can find a place and time where you are comfortable together.

Quote from: Stochastic on April 17, 2015, 09:45:08 AM
The questions and your responses are reasonable first steps in understanding feelings before starting the process. Looking back as to how I would answer these questions in the past year and a half, my answer would change every two weeks based on my feelings and that of my wife. There are many ups and downs. Times of acceptance and times of fear and worry. Our respective attitudes toward transitioning changes over time as my transition advances. Similar to your earlier comment, feelings becomes very complex when you are trying to find a balance between protecting your SO from harm while addressing your needs.

Last week, I thought we would eventually drift apart. Then, my wife reaffirmed her love and commitment to me, but there has to be compromises. Physical intimacy will eventually have to come to an end. This is very difficult for me especially when HRT and coming out has opened my emotional side. We have found other ways to strengthen our relationship. Of course, two weeks later this condition will change for the better or worse, and so will our outlook on our relationship.

I do feel that we have too much in common to be separated. My wife's acceptance has improved over time, and I love her for that. However, our relationship will be much different from when it started. You are taking a thoughtful approach to moving forward, and I hope that you can find a place and time where you are comfortable together.

Thanks. I can relate to a lot of this.
Anyway, no point thinking about it too much now. Will take it as it comes.

Quote from: cindy16 on April 17, 2015, 12:29:02 PM
Thanks. I can relate to a lot of this.
Anyway, no point thinking about it too much now. Will take it as it comes.

Good perspective.

I did not do a good job at making my point which is that people should not get discouraged on how they answer the two questions. A lot can change over time.

Quote from: Stochastic on April 17, 2015, 09:45:08 AM
Last week, I thought we would eventually drift apart. Then, my wife reaffirmed her love and commitment to me, but there has to be compromises. Physical intimacy will eventually have to come to an end. This is very difficult for me especially when HRT and coming out has opened my emotional side. We have found other ways to strengthen our relationship. Of course, two weeks later this condition will change for the better or worse, and so will our outlook on our relationship.

I found all this to be very true. During any sort of a transition change is constant. Transition is to change and you can either do it alone or be a partner, which is a two way street.

Communication & Compromise. But don't expect commitment, from either your spouse, or even yourself. All living things change. I spent over 30 years trying my best not to change, the result was not living.

I lost a 27 year marriage due to transitioning. Ultimately it came down to a decision of whether to keep killing myself drink by drink (and I was way, way down that road) or to do something about it and stay alive.

I see several viewpoints to this issue, and I think that they all are right.

One viewpoint is that of my ex's. She told me "I married a man" - she wants to be with a man and is attracted to men, not women. I get that. I really do.

Another viewpoint is that I have a medical condition that was eventually going to end my life and I did something about it. I did nothing to cause it and I certainly did not want it, which leads up to a question: Is it acceptable to split up because one person is born with a hidden medical condition that the other one doesn't like?

Ugh 

Being a transsexual is a Hobson's choice with no good options for a lot of married couples.

As Jenna Marie pointed out we do live in a heteronormative society and I believe a big part of my ex's refusal to stay with me relates to that. Shes a traditional southern girl with traditional southern values, and I know she considered what living with me would be like and how society would view her and it totally wigged her out. I know she was considering all of this because she made mention of kissing me in public one time and what other people would think about that, and apparently the answer to that question was unpalatable to her. I completely understand her feelings about not wanting to be seen as a lesbian when you are straight.

Part of our journey involves a certain amount of courage to not care what other people think - I had no choice and had to adopt that kind of thinking, but my ex couldn't bridge that gap. It was easier for her to just walk away from me and start a new life with someone else, and thats what she did.

Getting back to the original question - for many of us transitioning eventually becomes something that we must do to preserve our lives. For our S/Os a partner transitioning is a huge, unexpected issue that many rightfully can't accept. Some transgender people can fight off the feelings in order to save a marriage, but as they get older it becomes harder and harder to do so and the personal cost keeps getting higher, and it might eventually have an ultimate cost.

Quote from: Stochastic on April 17, 2015, 02:12:43 PM
I did not do a good job at making my point which is that people should not get discouraged on how they answer the two questions. A lot can change over time.

No, I got that. Not immediately but after a while. Which is why I said no point thinking about it too much, if things are anyway going to change later.

Quote from: JoanneB on April 19, 2015, 07:00:24 AM
Communication & Compromise. But don't expect commitment, from either your spouse, or even yourself.

Communication and compromise is what we are relying on too. For us, that also means commitment as of now, but I'm not sure what we would do when we eventually reach a fork in the road.

Quote from: Eva Marie on April 19, 2015, 09:24:42 AM
Getting back to the original question - for many of us transitioning eventually becomes something that we must do to preserve our lives. For our S/Os a partner transitioning is a huge, unexpected issue that many rightfully can't accept. Some transgender people can fight off the feelings in order to save a marriage, but as they get older it becomes harder and harder to do so and the personal cost keeps getting higher, and it might eventually have an ultimate cost.

This is exactly what I fear too. 'Transition or die' is not a choice I am facing right now, but I cannot say for sure that I'll never reach that point. And for my partner, it has really come up as a huge, unexpected issue, though she's trying her best to accept it.

Quote from: cindy16 on April 19, 2015, 09:54:40 AM
Communication and compromise is what we are relying on too. For us, that also means commitment as of now, but I'm not sure what we would do when we eventually reach a fork in the road.

"When you come to the fork in the road, take it"  Yogiism

Eventually you reach a fork. The trick is preparing for it, which you are.

I thought I'll share an update here.
My wife and I have been talking about this off and on for the past month since I posted this, but there was one particular evening when it really went out of control and we both ended up crying buckets. In a way it was good because I think we ended up saying a lot of things to each other that we should have said before. Not hurtful stuff or anything, just things that showed both of us how serious this issue is for both of our lives.

For example, I really opened up to her about how I had never liked how I looked, never cared about my appearance, body, health, even how long I lived etc. I don't think I'd even been complimented on anything about my appearance by anyone else until she did it when we were dating. I told her how I had feared everyone around me in school, college etc and there was no way to know or put in words what I felt. Maybe that's why I hid everything so deep that I hid it from myself.

She said she could understand but that this was going to destroy our lives as we knew it, that she had dreams for our future together, and that maybe she should have just married someone else, or that she should go now and find someone else. I said that would be good, but then we also spoke about some of her creepy 'friends' who hit on her even when we were dating, and that it would be really hard to find someone else now. More importantly, we loved each other and were just so used to each other that we wanted to be with each other, no matter what. At one point, I ended up saying I'll get out of this, I'll go get a haircut right now etc, but she stopped me (thank god for that).

We also spoke about kids. We plan to have a biological one now (maybe in the coming year or so) and adopt another one a few years down the line. She had been telling me that I should try to get out of this 'phase' or at least put off transitioning until we were much older and had less to worry about, but then I explained that it will only get tougher with time, and I seriously didn't know how long I could take it. Eventually, we agreed that I'll put off HRT until the biological kid arrives, but also that by the time of the adopted kid, we would both be mothers.

Not sure if things will remain as they are now or get better or worse, but at least we are still sticking together and intend to have a family together, and she also knows my transness isn't going away.

@cindy16  In our country you just dont marry your spouse, you marry her entire family .You do know that right ?
You should totally consider emigrating to the states or any western countries.
I'm no expert on relationships and stuff but your situation looks scary as hell.
Hope everything works out for you.
May the force be with you.
Good Night

Fear comes from ignorance. Be patient, and I hope that time will solve every problems.

barbie~~

The ole "I can stop this if I have to... for US". I know that one well. As with you, my "Reality Therapist" told me otherwise. Even long before it became clear to me I really cannot. Yet, just the insanity of it all after the 6 years it's been has me depressed and once again thinking... "Why?"

That thinking is all the easier to accomplish with a life full of diversions, and distractions. My old friends that kept me going for decades. Allowing me to simply ignore me. Shut down the overwhelming noise. Allowed me to have a life, but not to live. What my life is slipping into once again now with no time for me as I care for my wife and her needs.

Once the T-Bomb is dropped, your life, as you knew it, is destroyed. There is no taking it back. No "Do Overs". You both live with the consequences. Adjust to the new realities. Realities that may not be readily apparent. Realities that may not manifest themselves for a while.

Thanks Kim, Barbie and Joanne.

Kim, I know that one, but thankfully we don't really depend on either of our families so we can have a 'take it or leave it' attitude if it comes to that. Emigration is a possibility but not in the near future.

Barbie and Joanne, we are taking it slow, and trying to adjust the needs of both of us to this situation. Let's see...

I 100% agree with Joanna, except that I didn't try to hold out for anything like 6 years.

I can relate to this...I've been married 8 years now, I'm a 37 year old step dad to two teens and my wife and i have a 5 year old together. I just talked with her yesterday on my feelings and she was supportive in a way. Simply said "seek therapy" see what they say and we'll talk later about the "what ifs" and to be honest, that freaks me out...so what happens when I go to a therapist and they deem me transgender and give the green light for HRT??? Then I have to have the "what now" talk that could possibly be the end of my marriage and the loss of my kids??? It's scary business... But I understand your situation. Good luck.

If you move forward, I recommend you just go slow.  Let her catch up with you a bit.  Bond through doing things together you didn't before.  Start small but do girl stuff together.  At least that was what worked for me.  I'm not full time but my wife has said she is staying with me.  We are halfway through life and our kids are almost out of the house.  At this point we are closer than ever and I am a nicer person.  So the physical stuff goes away.  She's not a lesbian after all.  We still cuddle, hold hands and kiss.  It's all I need.
Go slow, be kind, loving and let her see that you are a better person. 

Either way, good luck!

Telling my wife of 25 years (at the time) was the most stressful thing I ever did.  It took place over several conversations.  If she had said she could not stay with me if I transitioned I would possibly be dead because I couldn't make that choice.

We are now married 28 years and closer and happier than ever.  I understand that she may eventually have different needs, but having her here has been so wonderful.