I've been on HRT for a month now and I am having some crazy side effects after my dose ended (probably more of a placebo effect). I have 5 more days til I get my next prescription but oh my god, I don't know what to do.
I never wanted to die so badly in my whole life, I cried so much today because I feel like literal crap. It kind of started by looking at the mirror and realizing how ugly I was. I keep questioning whether it is worth it. I cut my hair and nails from my depression. I kind of quit in life for a bit. I don't feel much better now but I have calmed a bit..
This is really depressing actually. This idea that I have to be in pills to feel better feels fake, like I am pretending to feel better. My days in HRT has been great but now that I am off it. I get this feeling like I am being cheated and that in reality I will always look like a guy no matter what I do. How long can I fool myself... I don't even know why I feel okay when I am on the pills but as soon as I am off I am angry. Kind of like when you wake up from a good dream only to realize your life sucks.
I am using the words to describe my situation right now. I haven't really thought about it too much when I started transitioning, but what should I do if I can't do this no more. I really don't have a choice anymore, since they both lead to self-destruct. Why do I feel so trashy today.. I already have been told to do therapy, but I don't like therapy. Maybe it's my therapist, but I have no money. So I am pretty much like this until a couple more days.
This really sucks.

I'm no doctor, but it's possible this gap in hormones could be your issue. Is there away to avoid the gap in hormones in the future because then your body isn't likely to be thrown for a loop like this. Doubts are completely normal as we transition, so don't feel alone with i comes to that since most of us have them at one point or another during our transitions. If this therapist isn't working out for you, then by all means find another. Now having said that often therapists are going to challenge us to think and sometimes to push our boundaries as to what were comfortable doing. If your stuck with this therapist, then why not try approaching therapy differently and use that time in way that will allow you to work on the issues your having. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Hi
I just have to ask, why is there a gap in meds... Usually a script is written to match the administered amount...

In any case the effect of HRT deprivation does depend on how long and how your body is responding overall... I have had 2 planed times where for particular reasons i have not taken any... With only minor changes... The odd day has never been an issue, although not many of them at all thank goodness!

L Katy

Nor most trans people HRT is an emotional life saver. Over the decades I've been on/off low dose HRT for the badly needed brain reset. Six years ago when I started up once more low dose quickly went to normal. The months to years following I plenty of doubts reinforced by the echo of my wife's voice saying "What sane person Wants to be a 50 year old woman?" followed by the laundry list of where older women stand in general. I had quite a few "WTF am I doing " meldowns. These also entailed cutting back or even stopping HRT, which only made the depression far far worse.

What pulled me out of this death spiral was me constantly reminding myself "I know what does not work". I spent a lifetime trying things one way. Yes, this new way is scary. Yes, this way is fraught with doubts, fears, risks, losses. Most of all it was lifting the veil of depression, gave me joy, gave me hope, and gave me more faith in myself then I ever had.

Don't think of it as "pills that are fake", it's not. It's taking supplements because you have a congenital condition that stops your body from generating something it needs, like a type 1 diabetic with insulin. I know I have a real difficulty with missing mine for any length of time.

There is a psychological component. I handled times when I had to pause them better than the time Sweetie talked me into stopping. That time I was a hot mess in two days.

The reason there is gaps in medication is because I cannot make it to my Endo on their agenda, therefore I get my appointment a week later. The reason I ended up going to this Endocrinologist was simply because my therapist could only refer me to one rather than give me a letter. I did visit one close to me which would have helped a lot but unfortunately it was 3 times the cost.

I am actually scared to go get my next dose. My friend says I should because I was actually happy, but I am really not a fan of these emotional breakdowns I am having. As for therapy, I didn't feel like it helped at all. I actually question myself more. She didn't discourage me to start HRT or anything, but I got discouraged to start it somehow.
The only reason I did it was because it might have work and it did, but while on it I felt a need for shaving more. My skin got really irritated and I had non stop itching in the last week. I did go a day with my beard but that day sucked. This whole transitioning seems to require a strong will, which I clearly don't have. I can learn to talk like a girl, walk like a girl, and be like a girl. But I will always look like man. My whole family has fat under their chin and our skull shape is as masculine as it gets. Even my aunts have a masculine shape. I have my aunt's head shape with the under chin fat. While on the pills I felt like I had potential the whole time and was very motivated. Off the pills and I remember how manly I look, how this is impossible. HRT will not change my face, which is all I really care about. My body from the beginning didn't look male or female. Unless I plan to walk around with a mask on my face. I am not happy at all anymore, this isn't even living. This is just torture. I am living corpse walking around trying to change my gender. I was basically born to change how I was born. Fighting to change your fate. No matter how hard I fought today, tomorrow I must fight harder. Then harder and harder. All I am doing delaying the inevitable. This is a bit selfish of me because I know everyone must go through the same and I am behaving out of control. I scared of being brainwashed by therapy and I am scared to hallucinate my happiness. I feel like there is something better out there for me. I would rather be stuck in my dreams or in a game if all I am doing hallucinating my emotions and my feelings. This isn't for me, this whole transitioning thing just doesn't work for me. I might as well sit in a bed and just fantasize and dream my whole life. I get better result dreaming than I do with this.
Again sorry about this, I know this is completely selfish. Expecting unrealistic results. I don't really know what I am really doing here whining to be honest.

Yurihime, I can relate to much of what you said from my first go around at transition. There were certain things that I just wasn't ready to handle and move past. Given time I could have, but I truly needed to mature more and get over the male look I could see in the mirror. The big thing I learned from that was to try and focus on the positive and the things I can change and not so much on what I have no control over. In reality is I'm saying give yourself time and don't rush your transition. you will move from point to point in it as you are ready. If your not ready and feel it's not for you step away from it for awhile and revisit a transition later if and when it is right for you. Several of us have done that and there is no shame in admitting and doing that. Therapists are there to guide and challenge us and never brainwash us. If you have one that is the brainwash type get away quickly because they are not worth your time. A good therapist will you guide yourself through this journey and aid you where they can. You have the rains with a gentle nudge and sometimes push from them. Nothing to be sorry about. It's what we are here for. Trust me this isn't an easy journey. It' plagued with problems and questions that we can't answer without help. Big hugs
Mariah

I talked with my therapist and I found out that not being on my medication for a long time was causing me to become dysphoric. I wanted to yell at everyone "it's not fair"... but I couldn't. I feel a lot better actually and worked out a schedule with my endocrinologist to make sure I don't  go through that again. I feel great but definitely have to work to get rid of my body fat since it does stress me out sitting with so much fat in my stomach. I really wish the medication didn't make it so hard to lose body fat (

It's wonderful to hear that you worked a schedule out with the Endo and that your feeling a bit better. Hugs
Mariah