I live next to a major University and sit in coffee places with mostly students. I'm sitting today looking at the guys from campus and they are well dressed and handsome ( sorry , I do drool) I'm sitting here wondering what the hell happened to me. I went to a catholic grade school and a upper middle class college prep and I'm thinking I should be one of them, but I'm not and never have been. Obviously something happened growing, but I really haven't a clue. 

I've asked myself the same things in the past, but I've given up reasoning about it. I was also raised in a very Christian household with strict gender guidelines that were meant to make sure I grew up "normal". All it did was make it harder for me to accept myself. Social factors can help make life easier (or harder), but they don't really define you as a person.

that upbringing seems to stick around a long time. I was in denial for so long because I thought I needed to stick by the rules of being male.

I always thought of myself as a misfit everywhere I went in life.  Even amongst the misfits...

I think I fooled a lot of people into thinking I was comfortable in my own skin, but nothing could have been further from the truth.  The fact remained that I was never a cishetdudebro and that whole culture baffles me to this day.  I never understood the games, the oneupmanship, the jockeying for alpha status, the whole competitive thing.  And OMG, don't get me started about the vicious individuals who were always ready to pounce the second I let my guard down. 

Now I know that testosterone never agreed with my brain's structure, everything makes sense.  I was born with a female brain and a Y chromosome, and by brain needs estrogen to function correctly.

Susan's Place is exactly where I fit in, and perfectly so.  I may be a misfit, but not here.  This is our sanctuary where we can be among friends who understand all too well what we have to endure.

Stephanie, you are a perfect fit right here.

Take it from Guru  Dena who as spent far to much time contemplating her navel that there is an answer to this question. In our treatment program there were three  possible answers. Genetic, Environmental and something in the womb. The thing I learned coming back into this subject is that the first two have been pretty much ruled out. The presence or lack of Testosterone while in the womb at the right time determines if you have a male or female brain. For a while they were giving women female hormones to help them carry their child to term and it appears they had a higher than normal number of babies come from those mothers who were MTF.
For a long time I ask myself the same question but lately with Bruce Jenner, I am talking more about this to my mother. My first indication something was wrong was at puberty when the chemical assault stated on my brain but the signs where there far earlier. Before age 5 I was mothering younger children. My play was always passive and I was a well behaved little girl even though the body said different. I can see signs early on where I was attempting to learn the rules of what society expected of me instead of being born with that knowledge. I always was out of step with the rest of the world and preferred to stay off to the side as I wasn't really sure what the rules are.
Yes, I think we all were born with it but it just takes some longer than others to figure it out. I also believe that this part of our life was predetermined and nothing can change it if we wish to be happy.
As for fitting into society, I feel better about fitting the longer I live. That is not say I will leave this part of me behind. I can't because it is as much a parent to me as my real parents were.

yes you strike  a chord in my brain it seems we know each other

Quote from: Jill F on June 02, 2015, 02:19:30 PM
I always thought of myself as a misfit everywhere I went in life.  Even amongst the misfits...

I think I fooled a lot of people into thinking I was comfortable in my own skin, but nothing could have been further from the truth.  The fact remained that I was never a cishetdudebro and that whole culture baffles me to this day.  I never understood the games, the oneupmanship, the jockeying for alpha status, the whole competitive thing.  And OMG, don't get me started about the vicious individuals who were always ready to pounce the second I let my guard down. 

Now I know that testosterone never agreed with my brain's structure, everything makes sense.  I was born with a female brain and a Y chromosome, and by brain needs estrogen to function correctly.

Susan's Place is exactly where I fit in, and perfectly so.  I may be a misfit, but not here.  This is our sanctuary where we can be among friends who understand all too well what we have to endure.

Stephanie, you are a perfect fit right here.

thanks, I need a place to rest my soul.

Ditto for me...

Quote from: Emileeeee on June 02, 2015, 01:25:52 PM
I've asked myself the same things in the past, but I've given up reasoning about it. I was also raised in a very Christian household with strict gender guidelines that were meant to make sure I grew up "normal". All it did was make it harder for me to accept myself. Social factors can help make life easier (or harder), but they don't really define you as a person.

Indeed.

Humanity in general is such an unknown to me, that I've often wondered what my real form is.

I was always an outsider and a misfit and I think I will always be to some extent. Some concepts people live by are so alien to me like I'm from another planet and sometimes I really do feel like "I don't want to live on this planet anymore."

Of course as my transition is going forward some pieces are falling into their correct place but I don't think I will ever blend in completely, it is just not in my nature.

I never fitted in even among the misfits.Me too an outcast among outcasts

Another misfit here!   But the older I get, the more I realize that is ok.  It sounds cliche, but I have to be true to myself and what makes me happy and stop caring so much what other's might think.  I concur, that just finding this forum has helped me immensely, to know there are others that feel the same way I do.

I'm a total misfit. Socially clueless and prone to all sorts of gaffes and ineptness.  Always surprised at my own lack of fitting in.

Were poor unfortunate souls... so sad, in pain, in need.

It's kind of funny that I was thinking of this same video and thought it should be posted in this thread. I'm not ashamed to be a misfit either. I'm my authentic self and that's all that matters to me.
Mariah

Quote from: suzifrommd on June 02, 2015, 06:07:47 PM
I'm a total misfit. Socially clueless and prone to all sorts of gaffes and ineptness.  Always surprised at my own lack of fitting in.

Quote from: Mariah2014 on June 02, 2015, 06:25:56 PM
It's kind of funny that I was thinking of this same video and thought it should be posted in this thread. I'm not ashamed to be a misfit either. I'm my authentic self and that's all that matters to me.
Mariah

I remember seeing the RTRNR Xmas special for the first time as a small child and hearing the word "misfit" for the first time.  OMG, did that one resonate with me.  I understood exactly what it was like when nobody wanted a "Charlie in the Box".  Nobody wanted a "Jill in the Box" either.

I think I have something in my eye now.  Scratch that.  Both of them...

I've always been somewhat of a misfit mainly because of my sense of humor. I have my mom's dirty mind with my dad's bs skills. I've seen few people like myself in that regard. I'm a misfit also because of my wardrobe and no one else in the middle of suburbia, male or female, even considers wearing such short skirts out of the house. Socially, I'm getting better all the time. At least I have that going for me.

I prefer the word loaner. I am a loaner.

How could I have ever fit in?

Prior to coming out my wife and daughter would make fun of me about a lot of things. One being a clueless geek.

Today I was in a conversation with two people about fractal math. I showed them a video of a toroidal motor I made using fractal math. It throws a magnetic field in a plain in excess of 100 feet in diameter. I then named the person I studied fractal math from and we all knew the person and the tutorials. Needless to say the three of us are loaners. We had a great conversation.

I've been a misfit, a loner, musician, artist and purveyor of stylish fashion sense all my life, I just don't talk about it much because no-one really cares anyway

I've always been socially awkward until recently.