Thanks.. everyone.

You kind of scared me with the attention! lol.

I've only recently had the.. epiphany.. I suppose, that this may be whats been keeping me in the dumps for a while. I don't feel "bad" about being male, but..  since I've made this realization it's like I've been on cloud 9.

I mean.. I'm terrified, totally utterly terrified lol, of talking about this, of seeing the therapist (what if she says no? what if I can't afford it? What if she says yes??) but.. I'm happy at the same time, I'd say.. glowing. I don't know that I've ever felt so contented before.

I don't know, is confused still the word for it? I think, other than my fear of the unknown here, I've pretty much made up my mind. Now I'm micro-analyzing every little possible what if.

Hi Darkfox118, welcome to Susan's I never felt suicidal either. I'm glad you had the courage to post and I can see you have done a lot of thinking in regards to what you have learned. Good luck with the therapist once that gets going. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: darkfox118 on June 07, 2015, 08:02:22 AM
I love this place so much. Every time I ask a question to myself or search I find it answered here, and find so many different people here having so much information. It's great!

I'm kind of in a similar boat here.. ish?

I've never felt suicidal because I wasn't female. However, it's something that has.. pained me.. off and on for at least 5 years, possibly 7. (I'm 33 now.)

I've lived as a guy all of my life in public and.. only very very rarely did I do anything in private that was trying otherwise (mostly because of ignorance. I wish I would have known about these things all those years ago!! I might be a different person today!)

Lately, I do feel some dysphoria I think.. mostly with my bottom half. But then.. I've never really been "Fascinated" with it.. if that makes any sense.

I feel kind of like you do right now. I haven't done anything yet. The very idea though.. has made me so much more positive and happy lately, it's unreal.

I'm working with a therapist now trying to setup my first appointment. I think if you're confused at all its worth a shot.

I know in my case, I just keep spinning my wheels. I keep trying to tell myself to stop and give this idea up, but I won't. It's been too long, and the fact that I haven't stopped myself probably means I'm on the right track. But I keep saying "this is HUGE! This isn't a vacation to Florida! This is years of hard work and possibly some hardship.." but.. I keep going. I still want to know, I want to talk to the therapist, I want to know more.

One thing I've learned from lurking here for the last week and from reading stuff all over the web is that everyone is just as different in this as they are in anything else. You don't have to hate your body to be living in the wrong one, I suppose.

Therapists are there to help you. It's true they are gatekeepers, but a good therapist won't hold you back from what you need when they feel you are ready. So if they don't work out then remember there is always another therapist out there. I had that same fear when I started therapy and the anxiety over that went away after talking with her for awhile.  Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: darkfox118 on June 07, 2015, 10:39:27 AM
Thanks.. everyone.

You kind of scared me with the attention! lol.

I've only recently had the.. epiphany.. I suppose, that this may be whats been keeping me in the dumps for a while. I don't feel "bad" about being male, but..  since I've made this realization it's like I've been on cloud 9.

I mean.. I'm terrified, totally utterly terrified lol, of talking about this, of seeing the therapist (what if she says no? what if I can't afford it? What if she says yes??) but.. I'm happy at the same time, I'd say.. glowing. I don't know that I've ever felt so contented before.

I don't know, is confused still the word for it? I think, other than my fear of the unknown here, I've pretty much made up my mind. Now I'm micro-analyzing every little possible what if.